Faith Hope and Love, and Wasstubborn.<P>Think I'm needing extra help on delicate detachment. <P>Delicate detachment is when we do not engage in the inferior/superior equality game (See Forgiveness Workbook #5 by Faith Hope and Love.)<P>Can we discuss how we can go about this?<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>3. Practice Delicate Detachment. (Here is that detachment issue than confused us in bounderies in the context of marriage, but here it goes.) When you remain in the inferiority-superiority struggle, you remain attatched. When the wrongdoer persists in rejection or is not fully repentant, this attatchment results in emotional turbulence. When a person persists in holding themselves superior, resist temptation to respond in kind. (Of course it would be challenging to try to achieve intamacy in marriage when this is the situation, therein lies the confusion.)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 17, 1999).]

attach: 1) to fasten by tying, etc. 2)to join (often used reflexively) 3) to connect by ties of affection, etc. 4) to affix(a signature, etc.) 5) to ascribe 6) Law to take (property, etc.) by writ<P>detach: 1) to unfasten and remove; disconnect; disengage 2) to send (troops, etc.) on a special mission 3) aloof; disinterested; impartial<P>***<P>How do you do this in marriage? By controlling your responses, taking the fuel away from the fire so to speak... But how do you do this without building resentment?<P>How do you "not play the inferior/superior game", see your self as equal? By seeing how the game is being played and not keeping score? <P>This is still pretty cloudy to me. I think I need help!

hi tnt, i gave this some thought last night, but may be terribly misguided! As i was sorting thru this I assumed that to do this in a marriage one would have to be sure not to take on any problems that the other should bear. That would fall into the rest of this lesson as well. The superiority that the betrayer (in my case) may exhibit is really his issue-not mine. So if I refuse to play this game, and let him keep his own problem to deal with, then I have detached myself from this particular issue. <BR>Now putting this into practice may be hard, as you saw last night!! I need to work on this area.....there is a balance that I think must be attained. I want to be there for him emotionally but need to detach in order not to take on his problems and issues, therefore decreasing any guilt I feel as a consequence of his choices. <BR>

to the top tnt!!<BR>

Sorry Ladies!<BR>Computer problems (among others)!<BR>I think you have the idea started.<BR>Two steps here.<BR>1. NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!<BR>I think that is very important because we want things to happen but we have no control over our partner's actions. So we hope but don't expect. Heard that somewhere.<BR>2.Cease persuasive communication.<BR>Don't try to convince or plead.<P>In other words we have to take care of ourselves and not expect anything. Don't try to persuade them into thinking our way. Know that our values are good but we can't force them into believing. Accept that we have limits. <P>We do not reject them. We just don't play the game. If they act superior we do not respond that way.<P>I think I did this early on during the affair. Discipline of the kids was a big problem. <BR>We used to have power struggles. I recognized this and when H would say something about the kids I would answer "You could be right" or "You have a Point" or "That is between you and them". I repeated these phrases over and over. It took the wind out of his sails. He wanted a struggle and I wouldn't give it to him. I ended up taking care of things because all he was really interested in was getting a rise out of me. Make sense?<P>cl<BR>Great minds think alike. We posted at the same time.<P>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited September 17, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited September 17, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited September 17, 1999).]

Both of you make sense. Real good sense..... And I generally try to do that. But I guess the real winner here, learns how to do it in the areas that really matter.<P>I mean, I wouldn't mind feeling superior over doing the laundry - letting him feel inferior - because I do it better than him...But on issues of conflict ie: infidelity, discipline for kids, intrusive family..... It is much better to just say "hmmmm." <P>Or if SD blows it and makes h mad, I should just say, ahhhhhh...<P>And watch those facial expressions. I need a mirror. Somebody want to make me mad, and then let me practice watching myself in the mirror? If I want to do something, then I want to do it right. <P>If I can learn to fix myself - then I guess I've won the game.... Because the game is about me, not us.<P>Do I get an A for today?<P>***<BR>WS - glad to see you, hope your feeling ok

tnt<BR>Did you get my e-mail earlier?<BR>Yes you get an A!!!!!<BR>It might be a good idea for a while to say the MMMMM! or Ahhhhh!<BR>I really didn't do it long before the reins were handed to me with the kids. I still practice it sometimes.<BR>The facial expressions. So improtant. I have been told throughout my life that my facial expressions are very intense. My H tells me, my college profs told me.....<BR>something that is very hard to control if it is habit.<BR>So now we have something else to work on!!!!<P>I'm okay! A few sads. The odd mad. and a lot of trying to make myself rest in between trips to town! Thanks for asking. Sorry I wasn't herelast night.

LOL, you guys finally did it...got me laughing tonight!! <BR>I can just see tnt sitting on the sofa holding mirror while shes practices hollaring at sd and H!! Get the little one to do the critique...he would think of it as a pretty interesting adventure? Would this then be grounds to say mom is crazy? :0<BR>Someone once told me my life was visible in my face-meant as a compliment from that culture as they talk with the body not with just words! He also said that it is considered sensual...was this a comeon or what?! <BR>So while you have to watch the 'looks' it can be a great quality!! <BR>I have trouble with no expectations WS. I keep saying I have few, but when I really look in my heart I have an entire laundry list. And I am wondering if this is good or bad. Expectations give me goals, make me seek out what I need. But they also allow me to feel sad and disappointed-the big letdown. <BR>Maybe I have confusion with separating self expectations with expectations of others?

cl<BR>Separating expectations is good. Separating ourselves a little from the situation might work too.<P>So does this mean that if all three of us have such expressive faces, we are all sensual according to your acquaintance?