Housekeeping.

I go in bursts. I do nothing for a few days and mope, then boom boom boom, get it all done, then mope again. Don't like the cycle.

I'm a terrible time manager. Any tips for overcoming this awful handicap?

GC

graycloud -

Check out flylady.com. Don't sign up for the email, or you will get 10 emails a day. But they show you how to get your house completely clean and organized, and it is very easy.

Now back to business. I hope that the men here will be able to move on with their lives. I don't mean dating, or moving on without their wives. I mean moving along in their own personal growth.

I spent way too much time obsessing about WH and OW. What a waste of time!

Women don't like weak men. So buck up guys, you will get through this.

Thank you so much for starting this thread.
I'm sitting here right now wanting to have a good cry before I have to go to work.
Some days just drag on and on with nothing but misery.
Sorry to be on such a downer. Just the way I feel today.

I've been married for 18 years now, but separated for the last year. I know my wife has had EAs and I suspect PAs. Can't prove or confirm that. Wish I could. Not to hurt her, I never wanted to hurt her. If I had proof I would feel better equipped to deal with the truth.
If I go to my wife with just my suspicions and what I have learned from snooping I look like the "bad guy". I don't want either of us to be the "bad guy".

I love W dearly. I want to save a marriage that was once beautiful. Our marriage was once the envy of the neighbourhood. Literally.
I accept that part of the problem was my drinking. I am a recovering alcoholic and was in recovery for months before W left. Stayed in recovery since.

I'm sorry, just rambling here.

The problem with email and IMs is, you can't see the tear stains.

dreid - Hang in there with us. Things will get better. It is horrible at first, but does get much, much better. Congratulations for still not drinking. I think you can do this!

Believer you are the bomb! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've been thinking and pardon me for being so how do you say cut n' dry, but as soon as my finances are in order I'm filling for a divorce. My WW is so far in the fog she is chasing someone who doesn't even want to be with her. I've discovered emails where she was telling a friend she would do her best to get the OM back in her life. I questioned her about it and she lied of course. That burned me up, but I didn't LB just asked her not to lie, to be honest out of respect for me and she just kept lying so I told her I read it in her email...and she still tried to lie.

Everyday my son is asking where his mommy is. My daughter is struggling as well. This is ridiculous. My W claims she went to the dr yesterday and was perscribe Lexapro and when I talked to her yesterday she sounded medicated. So I believe her this time, last time she lied and went to plead to OM and apologize for lying to him about being back with me all this time.

My point is:
1. Obviously my W is terribly fogged up and this will take alot of work to overcome. I mean people the guy she left our family for isn't even with her! How disgraceful is that. I would feel better if there was this OM luring her away, its just the opposite He's running in the opposite direction! My W leaves me with our S (6) and D (13, 14 on Sunday) because she's so depressed about losing her EA/PA with a man who is not with her. Believer I know you can't really say I'm right or wrong, but something tells me the best thing to do is start legal proceedings asap and put a fire under her. If she doesn't move quickly, I'm throwing in the towel. What happens if this guy comes around? Look how she's acting with him NOT wanting to be with her, just imagine how she'd act if he woke up tomorrow and wanted her?

Okay guys that's my rant for Friday.

I love her, but I love myself as well and I'm not going to sit back any longer. I don't want to see her or talk to her until she can commit to this M and profess NO CONTACT.

That's how I feel tonight, we'll see how long it lasts, I hope its not just an emotional mood swing. I want to stay this way, I've been too darn nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> See what I mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Believer, it is nice to not be caught up in the whole business of wondering what the affairees are up to any more. I'm just getting started, but I finally feel I'm beginning to move forward on my own, making myself and my home positive and healthy islands in this turbulent mess.

The downside is, I have more doubt about my WW having a change of heart, and I'm lonely. But I have lots of things to fill my time - too much really.

It's funny - I don't see any way my WW could see me as weak, while OM seems uncertain about everything, as if he's made of soft clay. That is appealing to her somehow, maybe because his weakness gives her power she craves. I think she's on a major control trip these days. But I really have little to go on. Just my gut feeling.

GC

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a few days, sort of feeling hopeless, maybe I'm giving up, I don't know. I do know how everyone feels though.

After WS moved out 1 week after D'day for 5 months, she called me to have dinner. That turned into being 2 months of what I thought was the beginning of recovery. 2 very wonderfully intimate and emotional months, filled with lovemaking, communication, and a closeness that I haven't felt in years. We were even planning to sell our house and get a fresh start in a new home. Literally, we made love on a sunday morning, and she was off again on thursday.

This seemed even more devistating than D'day. My heart had now been fed to me. That was 2 weeks ago, she had flown off to be with OM that friday and hasn't come back yet.

I keep getting bits of information that are only making me feel more hopeless. WS calls her mom everyday and tells her how happy she is, and how wonderful OM is. Her mom is supporting her now because if she says anything against WS wishes, WS won't talk to her and that hurts mom too much.

She's been telling mom that this guy is everything she's ever wanted. And this guy is laying it on heavy, you see, I spoke to OMW and half of the things he's telling my WS don't seem to add up to reality.Still WS believes him.

She believes in a man who would cheat on his wife and walk away from his wife and their 1 year old child? She believes that this guy is family oriented and down to earth? She believes that waiting for possibly 1 - 2 years for his divorce is a promising future? sHE IS IN A FOG.

My 2 months with WS were incredible. She said it wasn't anything I did that made her leave. She said that for 2 months she really tried to feel that spark that we used to have, but couldn't get OM out of her head. She said that she is in love with him and had to be with him. I never saw it coming. I guess that's what she was feeling when she gave me a card that said " I think we are rediscovering ourselves and our love for each other in a new, stronger and better way. It's so wonderful, Ilove you".

Yeah, when I read it I THOUGHT IT SAID SHE LOVED HIM. I don't get it. Was she feeling nothing when she wrote that? Is she fooling herself?

I haven't heard from her since.I think she's coming home ( to her place anyway) sunday. I don't even want to speak to her. I don't know if I should send Plan B letter. It seems like she plan B'd me. I so badly want to beg her and tell her I love her, but I won't. She will call to find out my plans about the house. Whether or not I will buy her out or sell. I don't want either one of those choices. What to do?

I wonder if WSand OM will ever spend enough time together to actually see the truth about each other. The facts don't point to them being compatible. Still, she thinks OM is Mr. right for her. MAN THIS HURTS!

Sorry for babbling

While wife and I were separated I still had our 11 yo son to care for. No big change, however – just one less to cook for and less cleaning and laundry to do. I sure was lonely though. Missed her like crazy. But housework was actually easier. I kept busy cleaning the house every night when I couldn’t sleep. (This was before I found MB).

GC: I spent months wondering what was going on. I knew she was seeing the scumbag again (still) but had to look hard for enough evidence. IC finally told me to just confront her, plain and simple. I had to tell her I needed the truth or I couldn’t stay in the M any more. Three days of more lies later she finally admitted it – sort of. Still took four more months for about 98% of it to come out. The last 2% is maybe unnecessary now, but the secrets still bug me at times.

Believer: Trust me – I have been trying and trying to eject their movie. Not as easy as it might seem. But I am getting better at it. It just pops back in at the most awkward times. Like when we hold each other.

FM: I understand your frustration at your WW pursuing the OM. Mine did the same thing, at times. He would go dark for months, tell her he needed his space and never really treated her well in general. He was obviously having other A’s all the while he was with my W. Yet nothing kept her away. She always ran back when he got bored and wiggled his little finger at her. He claimed to his own wife she pursued him relentlessly until he just gave in out of exhaustion. Not likely – he’s a first string player. Current W is the product of an A on his first W, even.

Have you talked to your W’s OM? I did to mine and he was pretty adamant it was all my wife’s fault and he was glad to be out of it. Once confronted, he turned tail and ran. Perhaps yours will also.

As to your children, my son went through similar agony. He is still very mad at his mother and keeps asking if she is going to leave again. One afternoon when I picked him up from school he said, “dad, I figured out what mom did. We studied the Ten Commandments today (Catholic School) and mom committed adultery and did the opposite of covet thy neighbor’s wife.

I really worry this may skew his outlook on women for the rest of his life. He is in his own IC now because of all this. IC is working up to a confrontation between the two of them so DS can feel like he has some control over his life. As an aside, IC had DS confront me with his anger too. Interesting – he was most angry that I did not stand up to WW more. He thought I was acting like a wimp and it made him mad.

T

Hello!

I am the ultimate loyal husband. Have only slept with one woman my whole life---- my wife of 30 years.

Here is my story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=004545#000006

Hi guys, back again.

dreid - I know all about misery. I spent many months staying home miserable, waking up in the middle of the night, lonely as he%%. But I decided that I wasted enough of my life that way. And I finally figured out that my WH was not going to do anything to change, it was up to me to change.

So I got busy. Started exercising, organizing, painted the house inside and out, started my own business. went out with friends. Now when WH comes by to babble, he sees that I am doing great without him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FM - You have been doing so well, I hate for you to have to file for D. Your wife is behaving just like an addict. Sometimes filing for D wakes them up, but sometimes you end up divorced.

But look at all the good things you learned here. It will help you no matter what the outcome.

JoeC - Affairs are built on fantasy. My WH is just like your WW. He tells me what a wonderful mother his OW is. Yikes! She has completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter and doesn't spend more than an hour a week with her.

He also tells me that he doesn't feel guilty for boinking this guy's wife (while he was fighting in Iraq), because they had a miserable marriage. They have been together for 16 years, and had a good marriage. But OW has rewritten the history of her marriage.

Thos - Sounds like you are doing all of the right things. It is difficult to go through this, but lots of men have, and ended up stronger and with better marriages.

It is hard to be strong when the person who was supposed to love you and be your partner rips out your heart and stomps on it. It makes it easier for me to see that they all say and do the same things - almost like they have a textbook. Really crazy!

Joe C.

I'm not familiar with your whole story, but your last post struck a place in me.

I haven't had any recovery chances false or otherwise. But I know what you mean by that card. My own WW told me all kinds of things that I believed were true. How great things were getting, how much she looked forward to seeing me, things about our future. That I was the only man she wanted. I don't know if when she said those things that they were lies, or the truth. I don't know if she knows it now.

I also fear WW will never spend enough time with OM to get to know him for real. It is all internet chat and phone conversations, with an occassional visit. I'm sure many more are planned when the DV is final.

The fear I have isn't even about WW coming back to me. It is that she will never be able to have a "real" life, with or without me. She hangs on this man's every word I believe. She will never be open to a new relationship as long as she is continuing this fantasy fling with OM.

I still care for WW and don't wish her any harm ever. But I don't think she can get what she wants, whatever that is, in a long distance fantasy relationship.

If this is her "happily ever after" prince charming she needs to find out for real and not believe in an illusion she's created in her head, with OM's help.

Stanley -

Sounds like you are doing well. Your dear wife is probably in withdrawal, which may last for several months. But her feelings for you will come back.

I don't think the trip without you is a good idea. Not at this time. Is there any way it can be postponed, or you could go?

Seems like your wife may have gotten mixed up between sexual fantasy and reality.

Tom-

Is your wife still reading here, or did she give up? I think she needs some anti-D's, but she probably won't consider it.

Has anyone heard from Juke? Last I knew someone had mentioned that there were 20,000 single women his age looking for a good man. Then he just seemed to disappear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Oh believer, I hope the comment I made about there being lots of women his age didn't inspire him that way. It was meant to be a comfort, but perhaps I should be more careful with my fragile brothers.

Phantom8088 has vanished as well.

GC

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

GC, what about me?

Was out to lunch with DS yesterday, and he thought the waitress had the "hots" for me. It was funny, we did some real guy talk. <wink wink>

Near the end of lunch, he says.
"Dad, you know ... there's nothing wrong with still being in love with Mom."

graycloud - I know you were trying to comfort and encourage him. Who knows, maybe he is busy. It just struck me that he disappeared right around the time that the 20,000 women count came up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And remember he was working out and looking great, and someone even said he was a real stud! Yikes!

I'm sorry for your kids' pain, Tom. That reeks.

Judging from the responses I've gotten to the variations on "other fish in the sea" I've put out there, I'm more interested in this kind of thing than most BHs and ought to shut up about it. It might not give others as much comfort as it does me.

GC

WOW! This thread moves faster than GQII.

I go off to work and when I come back, it’s grown 2 pages and I can’t remember what I thought I was going to reply to yesterday morning.

I’m not as bad off as some of y’all; FWW realized she wanted me within 7-10 meetings with OM. She was looking to have EN met; he was looking to get his rocks off. On D-Day, she came to me broken, apologetic and pregnant.

She’s mine all mine, but when I need her she’s pukey or in bed early or sleeping late. Then there’s the boys to look after and housework. Kinda like someone stole my truck but returned it wrecked.

I feel cheated! And for what? She didn’t even enjoy her A! If I was gonna cheat on her I would at least make sure I had a helluva party doing it!

I’m not going anywhere though. I’ll take care of her and raise another child. Just need to vent alittle.

AAARRRRRGG!!!.....

That’s a little better..

Tom and Gray -

While the ideal thing is to build a better marriage, I don't think it is wrong to realize that you could be happy with someone else.

I think when you first come here, your self-esteem is so low that you think you will never be happy again. But as you heal and work on yourself, one day you realize that there are a lot of options.

I used to talk to one guy who absolutely did not want a divorce. His wife insisted, and dragged him kicking and screaming through the D. Someone he worked with introduced him to a young lady, and now he is happier than he ever dreamed he would be.

Hopefully you guys will stay the course, and work on having a healthy relationship and better marriage. Usually WS's do come back.

Hey Believer, you told me to come over here so here I am. Took me long enough.

Brief update, appears we might be in recovery, getting very positive vibes from WW. My only problem, and I'll bring this up in counseling this week, is for the last couple of nights, right about the time I would normally say, well, it's time for me to get to bed, she's suggested I head to bed. Now with everything that's happened, and that she's never ever suggested I go to bed before, I'm kinda suspicious. I don't want to assume anything, but at the same time, I know she was up late chatting. I've asked her to cut back on the amount of time she spends online and she has to some extent.

Sigh, I just don't know how to bring up in counseling that any chatting with any guy makes me uncomfortable. She has guy friends, and doesn't talk to OM anymore that I'm aware of.

We've been sleeping in the same bed for the last 7 of 8 days. Now, I don't know if I'm reading anything into this or not, but before we entered this "recovery" phase she absolutely did not want me in bed with her. Now she says it doesn't matter if I sleep upstairs or not. Of course, I want to feel she WANTS me in the same bed with her. Guess I need to take a deep breath and be more patient. With that said, it's not like we sleep in different zip codes either.

Things have felt really good since our last counseling, I've only got those couple of things I mentioned in this post that make me stop and think. Maybe I'm over analyzing, I don't know.

Oh, hey everyone! I think it's going to be hard keeping up with this thread, but believer has us all in one thread at least. Now she doesn't have to click throughout the whole board looking for our threads.

Painter - Oh, another wonderful man! You're wife has not returned like a wrecked truck, please don't say that. She has returned to her family. Also with a new little life in tow.

I have to tell you about my son-in-law. His wife cheated on him and got pregnant. They are not together anymore. The boy's dad has never seen him. My son-in-law, God bless him, has become the only father this boy has. He coaches him in baseball, has visitation with him every weekend, and loves him like his own.

Where do men get the strength to do something like this? I admire him so much, and love him dearly. If I ever win the lottery, I will give it all to him.

RW - Gosh, it sounds good. We still have to get her off the computer. Encouraging you to go to bed is not going to help your marriage.

What has happened to her job prospects? She seems to really need you, and has made some strides. Encourage and appreciate her for that. Gosh, you're in the bed guy - you're almost THERE!