Here is a link to my situation:

Husband admitted PA but now denies everything

DDay was 4 days ago. Husband is staying with parents.
He is still denying that he had an A - although he told me that he did on DDay! He says that he said he did because he felt like he didn't care anymore, he wanted the marriage to be over, and that I wouldn't have believed him anyway. This is driving me crazy - its so implausible (and so cruel) that anyone would do that, yet I am doubting myself and all the signs that are there. I wonder if I'm being paranoid... and I want to believe him. Why would someone admit to a fling and then deny it?
Now after telling me he wants to divorce and that he doesn't love me, he has said he wants to go to marriage counselling. I'm not sure if I want to work on the marriage without him coming clean... any advice greatly appreciated.

Is anybody out there?

My husband is still very contrite but says he hasn't done anything.

How can I move forward? At this point I don't see how we can work on the marriage when I feel that he isn't being honest with me.

Hi M,

You don't have to work on it if you don't want to - remember you have choices.

There needs to be a starting point. I think you may have that. Quite often the WS won't come clean up front, but after working on things for a while they realize it is needed and spill it all.

I think it would be a good idea for you to make a decision about what YOU want, and work for that and see if HE comes around in time. TIME is usually one of the things needed to make it work.

We do care about you, but weekends are slow on MB because of all that goes on in our lives.

God be with you.

SS

Merenia,

First off....Im sorry your put in the situation of confusion that you are in right now.

I think IMHO it is very plausable that there are H's / W's who lie and say they had A~~~ Some A's are called Exit A's. When a S is wanting to be caught to end the M..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So to lie thinking the outcome would be the same....it's possible!

I have on occasion thought that possible in some circumstances.....

What can you do now? He told you that the worst thing he ever told you was a lie? Why, what motive would he have to do that?

All our R are so varied. What past experience do you have to draw on from your H? has he been a big story teller all his life? Have you seen him make up lies about other important issues?

You have a much better view of this and for me to say anything for sure...........would be a total guess! I guess may be you might try getting him to take a lie detector test? lol j/k I don't know! I just didn't want you to sit here waiting for a response.....wish I could help you!

Blessings,
Atruheart

Hi Still Seeking:

I think you're right about there being a starting point. He would never agree to marriage counselling before, and we have communicated more honestly about the many issues we have in the past few days than we have since... well I don't remember since when!

At this point I don't know what I really want. After being with a husband who has been emotionally shut down and unavailable since the very beginning of our marriage... I am somewhat reluctant to continue the relationship. I'll give it some time before coming to any decisions, and will keep those channels of communication open with my husband.

Thanks for your response. It really helps and has given me some perspective on the situation. God bless you.

Hello Atruheart:

It helps to hear that it may be possible for someone to lie like that to end a marriage. I've been almost inclined to believe him, but worry that I would be a fool to do so.

He has a tendency to lie about details and small things, and often changes his story.

He lied to me at first about the woman in the picture with him, saying he had never met her before. then he said it was this particular woman he had met before. Then he said that she just showed up by chance. then he said he had invited her earlier by email because he was angry with me. then he said he had sex with her after the show. Now he says he never met her until that night and didn't sleep with her - after all these lies I find it difficult to believe him now.

I believe he has lied to me before about going to a 'fashion health' club which is a dodgy type of sex club very prevalent in Japan. The attitude towards sex is very different here, and Japanese women are supposed to turn a blind eye to what their men get up to.. its accepted that men will cheat. And he has never admitted to me that he went there although I found he had members only access to the clubs website. He lied about what type of place it was several times to try and minimize it, yet still never 'fessed up to going. Actually I asked him to consider a polygraph at the time but he was completely insulted and said that I was treating him like a criminal.

He says he lied about the affair because he just felt he didn't care anymore about our relationship and wanted to destroy it. Now he has mixed feelings, and is confused. He is saying that he hates himself for hurting me and for not being loving towards me over the course of our marriage.

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your kind words.

Merenia

Merenia, I suspect that he did tell you the truth about sleeping with her, but had second thoughts, after the fact, because he doesn't want to face any consequences. He is used to successfully lying his way out of consequences.

I also think that your problem is much greater than these dalliances. This is a character issue with your H. He is not honest or seemingly committed to your marriage. That is a much bigger problem than an affair and marriage counseling cannot fix a character issue.

I would be talking to my H about his character problems and ask him to go to individual counseling for that. Because until those problems are acknowledged and addressed, you can look forward to a long future of more of the same.

Melody,
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
You're absolutely right.
He is not honest or commited to the marriage.
Whether he did or didn't sleep with her, either way the fact remains that he lied about something very serious with complete disregard for the pain it has caused me.
We have been talking alot and he does admit that he has a problem, and that it has been the root cause of all the unhappiness in our marriage. He says he is selfish and immature, and that he hates himself. He also said that he doesn't think he is cut out for marriage. I guess it gets in the way of all that international partying... He knows he has been emotionally distant and resentful toward me, he said he felt pressure from my 'expectations' but doesn't make it clear what he thought those expectations are. I'm reading a book now called 'Men who Can't Love' about commitmentphobic men and I'm seeing alot of the patterns described in the book, in my husband.
He won't come clean about the cheating and I doubt he ever will.
Thanks once again for helping to shed some light on my situation.

How old are you? Your H? Do you have any children?

If you are both young and have no children together, I suggest you cut your losses and dump him. Period.

It does not sound as if he is serious about anything other than himself. You can do better.

Hi there,

Sorry, I know I should make a profile but I still don't know for sure whether to call myself a BS and him a WH...

I'm 30, he's 38 going on 13.

I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The fact I have already have a child has weighed heavily on him.

I'm thinking about whats best for my child and my future and its looking like he won't be in it.

Please evaluate the wisdom of trying to save this marriage.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Worthatry -
Could you expand a little bit more on your last post? Its just so decisive and final.

Forgive me for being naive... I guess the picture I've painted of him is pretty bad... he can be charming and kind at times, but admittedly thats pretty rare these days. Basically he was lovely until we got married, and then his attitude towards me practically overnight.

What does it say about me, that I would let him treat me this way? We have been married for 4 years.

oh - I see you edited your post.

Thanks. I will do that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Merenia:
<strong>I'm 30, he's 38 going on 13.

I'm thinking about whats best for my child and my future and its looking like he won't be in it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a portion of what you said previously.

Given this and your description in your other post just gives me the impression that he is not permanently interested nor worthy of having a family with you. He will continue to be in tempting situations and has not demonstrated the desire nor capacity to change.

You are young enough to find a real man, other than a part time jerk who can be "charming and kind at times."

"at times"????????

Why don't you expect this all the time?

If you don't, it does say something about you.

Please do not act on my words alone. This is the opinion of one guy only.

WAT

WAT,

You are absolutely right. He is a jerk, and he sees me and my daughter as a huge burden.

I worked so hard to help him establish his career.
I feel so stupid.

I haven't wanted to face the truth about the situation and have made excuses for him and blamed myself over the years.

Thanks for the reality check.

Please get some more opinions. I could be dead wrong. All I know is what you have written here. Precious little for you to act on.

OK?

WAT

Hey Merinia!

Have you read the MB concepts yet. Why don't you keep reading, learning and talking to everyone here for awhile. You don't have to decide right now if he is a jerk or not. Read everything you can on this site, and the books that are mentioned, and then you can make a decision if you want to stay with him. And he will surely pick up a few things from you about MB and having a good marriage. You've been in it this long, why not give it your best shot for a few more months and see where it leads.

Weaver

WAT,

I'm just taking one day at a time, and will not make any hasty decisions, don't worry. I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride this week, hating him one minute and then loving him and wanting to work things out the next.
I'm giving myself plenty of time to come to a decision.
Thanks for your concern and your impressions on my situation. It all helps.

Weaver,

I've been lurking on this board off and on for the past two years. I was desperately unhappy in my marriage mostly due to the neglect I felt and wanted to work on myself and get some insights on the situation. I was feeling very vunerable to an affair at the time and reading the information and posts here helped me realise that that was definitely not an option. I am familiar with the concepts but have not introduced them to my husband as he has not been receptive to anything like this in the past. Its possible that he may be now. He has contacted a marriage counsellor which he was totally against doing before. I didn't allow him in the house for the past week which I think has shown him I mean business. In some ways I think he is scared to get a divorce because it is seen as very shameful in his culture.
Thanks for writing.

I didn't realise that you had been around for that long. I'm glad that you found this site when you were vulnerable for an affair your self.

I hope that your husband is sincere with wanting help for your marriage. It's so hard when your feelings are vascilating between love, hate and confusion, I know. I just ordered the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson, because I think I have "taught" some people in my life to treat me with disrespect. Anyway...

The best of luck to you and your husband in what ever you decide.

Thanks Weaver for the encouragement.

Although I've been lurking everynow and again for some time, I posted for the first time a few days ago.

I continue to be amazed at how articulate, reflective, and wise so many of the people posting on this board are.

It helps to be able to get some of this stuff off my chest with people who have been through similiar painful experiences and can relate.

Merenia

I let my husband come home last night. I have been meeting him often to talk about the relationship over the past few days. He is sincerely sorry and looks absolutely miserable. I felt sorry for him and let him come home. I've been missing him too.
He said that now he feels so much closer to me than he has for a long time. I feel this too, as he is actually trying to express his feelings and listens to what I say without getting angry as he always did in the past. Before all this blew up, he was always so distant.Now the communication is the best it has ever been, and has been what I've been longing for this whole time.

He is still adamant that he didn't cheat on me. I'm very confused about this. I want to believe him, but I also don't want to be a fool. I wonder why he is so sorry and apologetic if he didn't actually cheat (although lying about it is cruel too). I also wonder why he is finally opening up to me, is it because there is a good chance I will leave him?

He keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do.
I don't trust him now after the lies he has told me.
How do you rebuild the trust?

Does anyone ever accept their spouse's denials of an affair and try and work on the marriage even though they are not 100 percent sure they can trust them?