I'd like to know anyone's thoughts WS and BS on the BS expressing hurt. Does it help? Does it hurt? Does it cause the WS to feel more guilt and hinder the healing process?

We are in recovery...approaching the 1st Anv of the A...not D-Day but when I believe the A started.

My H still works with/for FOW. We are in the process of getting a new duty station but it will take a few months.

Right now I'm suffering because of his contact with FOW. He tells me or says he will tell me if FOW ever approaches him to speak of the relationship. So far she hasn't.

I'm worried now that she will try to talk to him about it now that we are leaving. I know I can't stop that from happening and I do not trust my H to tell me about it if she does.

He is trying very hard but gets upset...angry...anytime I try to talk about anything regarding the A. I don't mean the A itself but the things that lead us to the point we are at now.

I'm terrified that he still thinks of FOW and still has feelings for her. Is this normal?

When I remember something or see a date on a calendar that reminds me of this time last year I am paralized and become immediately depressed. I try to hide it from him and play the happy wife but that's not always what comes across.

I still cry at night sometimes and I know he hears me.

Should I continue to hide this or continue my attempts to hide this or should I just let him see my pain? Sometimes I feel a sense of release when I'm able to just say 'it hurts'. I don't want to make him feel guilty. I want us to be better but being better isn't going to happen if we pretend like this never happened.

Hi,

I think expressing our pain does make them feel guilt and sometimes lash out at us. I would just tell your husband that you are hurting inside and that you need somebody to talk to about your feelings. Tell him that he needs to pick at time when he is not feeling stessed to sit down and talk with you. My husband once stated he did want me to come to him with my hurt. I told him I was holding stuff inside. But I do know they do not want us talking about it a lot because it does make them feel guilty because they know they caused the pain we are feeling.
Yes your husband is going through withdrawal. I think my husband went through that too but would not tell me. Yes it is painful to think husband would go through withdrawal over somebody esle's love. But do not think of it as love. Think of it as lust and as an addiction because that is all it is.

I think what you are going through is normal if NC is not established, yet. It is *always* in the back of your mind. Some of us don't know how to handle our partner's feelings and we get angry when we can't do anything about it. Perhaps you can tell him that you feel bad because they are still working together, but you are very grateful that you are making plans to leave. Tell him that sometimes you just need a hug when you're down. If you tell him specifically how he can help you, you have a better chance of him actually doing it.

Thank you both for your responses. I feel, at times, like this is normal but at the same time I think it's not helping anything.

Why do I still feel like this? He assures me that it's over. He has never really talked to me about it at all and will not answer my questions so I think the picture in my head is worse the reality. He has never admitted to a PA but I know that is not true. Sometimes I think if he would just talk to me I could deal with this and be certain there were no other facts that might pop up down the road.

I'm always terrified that this could happen again. I can't do this a 2nd time.

He wants to avoid the discussion and sweep this under the rug. For him it's over and there's not need to discuss.

I'm wondering why I'm at the point I'm at today.....when he's doing everything he can think of to make this better for me.

Maybe I too eager to heal and need to just sit back and give it more time.

I'm sick of being depressed. I have good days. The roller coaster ride just won't end. I'll have good days...for weeks at a time and then I'll hit a dark spot and I feel like I'm back at square one wondering if I can live with this. I keep hearing the saying...once a cheater always a cheater.

Hi,

If you think he is haveing or had a PA then he does not want to talk about it because he is protecting his secret. I think the only way you can heal is to expose his secret. I hope you can figure out how to do that. That is a tough one.

He won't talk to me. He just says....I'm not going to make something up just to satisfy you.

That's the usual WS response. I know that because I've read it in all the books and on this site multiple times. I know it was a PA.

Heroswife,

I am feeling the same way as you. I still need to express hurt and anger but I hold back because I don't know how my H will take it. When we did talk he answered all my questions but since then, new questions have surfaced. AND
I want to know if there has been any more contact with OW. Maybe I am afraid to ask because I don't want to know the answer.

I just had a baby a week ago so there is little time for conversation. I am exhausted at the endof the day after all the kids are in bed. When I am nursing in the middle of the night, my H's EA's are all I can think about. Then I can't get back to sleep. If we talked, maybe it would help.

Let me know what you decide to do and how it goes. I know the hurt and anger are terrible to live with. And you don't want to jeapordize any progress you have made. It doesn't seem fair that we are trying to protect their feelings when they are the ones that started the whole mess to begin with. I am willing to accept any role that I played in causing my H to turn elsewhere but the bottom line is that I remained faithful and he didnt.

Keep in touch.

Wish I could offer something, but I never went thru this. Hang tough.

WAT

heroswife-
I've been following your story since you started posting and have been so impressed by your strength through all of this.

I believe the pain and fears you're struggling with are completely normal for ANY BS to experience, but the fact that your H still works with the FOW must feel like complete torture to you!!!! It's unfortunate that NC has been dragged out so long...I can only imagine the relief you will feel when your H is transfered and away from her for good.

You're absolutely right that being better is not going to happen if you pretend like this never happened. I can't remember if you said you and your H were in MC or not but I sure believe that this, just like NC, is a VITAL part of recovery. Are you and H in MC right now?

Kab -

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I have so many questions that he will not answer. Things have happened in the past few months that are hard to explain away if everything he is telling me is the truth.

If I confront he gets upset. I avoid confronting him to avoid upsetting him. I am in a cycle.

For instance...if the A ended when it did then how did she get to my house so quickly when I exposed to her H? Why did she call and hang up on me while he was at home on leave if she wasn't calling to chat with him? I know it was her because I called her back and she laughed and made a comment about how the phone was messed up and she didn't mean to hang up. When she had a co-worker call back he said he didn't know what she wanted and that she didn't need anything.

So why did she call? Unless it was to chat with him....he can't explain that.

The A started while he was a student of hers...now he works at that school..for her. I have emails and phone calls that go back to his time at that school to prove the A started then. 3 weeks after he returned from this school he had to go to a conference and she was there. He stayed out one night until 3am and lied to me about it. He said he was in his room at midnight which I know was a lie because I had been calling since 10 pm. Then he comes home and tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. OUt of the blue...just like that.

Then I find all the emails and phone records from her and to her. The emails were intimate, "I want to hold you, I can't stop thinking about you, You're all I think about, I've never felt this way about anyone before and I really mean that. I wish we were stuck on an island together. It's cold out I wish we could lie in bed and cuddle. Are you going to Ft. **** Monday I'd like to meet up with you because I can't wait until January to see you again., Don't worry about how I'll act at work because I like to be disiplined ha ha ha."

How am I supposed to deal with this? He brought me to her house. With my children...to meet her, his new boss. He moved us up here 2 miles from her house....all the while planning to continue this relationship.

I can't do this anymore. I want out. I CANNOT do this anymore. He is a liar and a cheat and doesn't deserve me or my love and devotion. I tried.

Jill -

We stopped MC when we moved here. My h has no faith in MC at all. Our MC before pretty much told me to get over it or leave him. I didn't want to leave him but didn't know how to get over it. Then I found MB.

I've mentioned MC but he doesn't want to go. His job has him on the road 80% of the time so that makes it tough. I guess I could go by myself but I can't fix the problem by myself. He won't read the books, or come to this site. He just wants it to go away. He's helping me by trying to meet my needs...but I have to tell him every little thing that I need. I can't just say be more loving or talk to me more...I have to draw him a picture.

I'm frustrated. I've tried to be strong. I've read all the books, prayed, pretended to be the happy wife, focused my life on meeting his needs, I've worked on myself and continue to do so but at the end of the day I'm in bed with a man who crushed me from the inside out...and in the morning (when he's here) he goes off to work with OW.

I've even told him that I was considering not going to the new duty station with him. His response was "make up your mind, I can't keep going back and forth on this. I can't do this without you. I need you."

So I'm supposed to do this because he can't do this without me. I wanted to say...maybe you can do this with OW. You didn't seem to need me so bad when you were walking on my heart.

Right now I've stopped praying my daily forgiveness prayer...now I want to pray for the strength to get in my car with my babies and get on the interstate. I deserve better.

We stopped MC when we moved here.

Wrong choice.

My h has no faith in MC at all.

Too bad. Tell him to "get over it" when he says he doesn't want to help the marriage.

Our MC before pretty much told me to get over it or leave him.

Wrong MC

I didn't want to leave him but didn't know how to get over it. Then I found MB.

MB is NOT enough.

I've mentioned MC but he doesn't want to go.

Then how commited to recovery is he?

His job has him on the road 80% of the time so that makes it tough.

But marriage is worth it, right?

I guess I could go by myself but I can't fix the problem by myself.

Go. You are beginning to sound weak. Build your toughness and strength back up to where you are willing to stand up for what you know is right.

He won't read the books, or come to this site.

He's not commited to recovery.

He just wants it to go away.

Like Osama or the Taliban? Get real.

He's helping me by trying to meet my needs...but I have to tell him every little thing that I need.

Meeting your needs is OK ... but you need to recovery from INFIDELITY which is a brutal form of abuse commited within your marriage.

I can't just say be more loving or talk to me more...I have to draw him a picture.

He's a guy .... draw the damn picture. That's a guy thing.


I'm frustrated.

No kidding. He's not committed to real recovery. You ~should be ~ frustrated. If you aren't going to do this the right way ... the chances of full recovery are slim, indeed.

I've tried to be strong.

Strength that helps you the most right now is not strength to endure more pain, but rather strength to draw boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate, and stick by them.

Say what you mean, and back your words up with necessary actions.

I've read all the books, prayed, pretended to be the happy wife, focused my life on meeting his needs, I've worked on myself and continue to do so but at the end of the day I'm in bed with a man who crushed me from the inside out...and in the morning (when he's here) he goes off to work with OW.

And he is still not committed to doing the following:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to repair our marriage."

You are doing all the work.

I've even told him that I was considering not going to the new duty station with him. His response was "make up your mind, I can't keep going back and forth on this. I can't do this without you. I need you."

Again, uncommitted. Definitely WRONG ANSWER!


So I'm supposed to do this because he can't do this without me. I wanted to say...maybe you can do this with OW. You didn't seem to need me so bad when you were walking on my heart.

That is not the problem (the past) the CURRENT problem is your H's ambivilance to doing "whatever it takes for as long as it takes" ... which means MARRIAGE THERAPY .... why? Because YOU are hurt to your core! He should CARE about fixing this hurt ~with you~ via MC.

Right now I've stopped praying my daily forgiveness prayer...now I want to pray for the strength to get in my car with my babies and get on the interstate. I deserve better.

And your old man better get his [censored] in gear because his family is about to come apart at the seams.

YOU fix your mind on what your bottom line is....

Express this .... and wait... it he cannot meet your bottom line .... get on the interstate and head toward your family of origin.

Pep

bunch of bull sh** excuses makes me grumpy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

heroswife-
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I can truly see how damaging his reluctance to talk to you is.

Naturally you want (need) to have the truth completely put out there concerning what, exactly, happened (and when, where, WHY etc.) Since he is not forthcoming with this info. you are left on your own to try to 'fill in the blanks' and try to make some sense of it all....all the while doubting and wondering and questioning and re-thinking, etc. etc. I think it's hard to move forward in recovery when you're still stuck back at square one trying to figure out what your reality is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

You are so good, Pepperband!

heroswife

I think your FWW will maintain his posture until the upcoming move. As long as there is continued "contact" with him working for OW, his healing can't really begin.

I believe you will see his position soften when there are miles and time between he and OW. The constant exposure to her at work does not allow him to fully "get over it", as he is asking you to do.

Withdrawal is hard. Beating an addiction is hard. Waiting on someone to beat an addiction AND withdraw is deplorably hard.

Your patience here will be the key. You will have to look at the time between today, and the day you leave for FWH's new job as "in limbo" time. It's just so very difficult for withdrawal to take place when even casual "workplace" contact is taking place.

You have the strength to make it through this time. I believe your FWH's position will soften, as withdrawal becomes "complete", and he will begin to open up to you.

That's my 2 cents worth. Hang in there, heroswife!

SD

uuuuggggggghhhhhh!

I want so badly for this all to be over. I know we need to get into MC. I've decided to go for myself. I know he can't join me but I need to do this for myself. I am just so frustrated with all of this right now I want to give up.

This weekend we had a blow up. I should say I was ready to blow up Friday but it didn't happen until Saturday morning. I told him exactly how I was feeling and that I was ready to give up. He yelled at me saying that he was sick of this and if I wanted to give up to 'hit the road'. I just cried. I was hard. I told him that the pain so was bad sometimes that I would rather go to sleep and never wake up again then to have to feel this way anymore. I didn't say another word after that. I just shut up. After a few minutes he reached over and grabbed my hand and said 'I'm so sorry. If I could go back and take it all away I would. I'm sorry I hurt you.'

I don't know what to do. It's like he's sorry and he wants to make it all better but it's not getting any better. I'm crushed and I don't feel the same anymore. At times I'm numb. At other times I'm just happy he's here with me now because I remember what it felt like when he wasn't going to be here....then there are the times when I hurt so bad that I don't want to go on.

I feel like I'm never going to get over this and I will resent him for the rest of my life. I feel like I've tried since March...when I exposed to FOW's H. That's really why I consider us in recovery because that was when my H really opened his eyes to what he had done.

I just thought that by now I would feel better and less depressed. Maybe I'm just suffering more now because we are fast approaching our 1st D-Day anv or the 1st D-Day of when this all happened and I'm starting to see the timeline of how things progressed into the A.

Would my efforts be fruitless if I asked H to sit down and share with me how it started and the details? I've asked but he will never give me answers or details to anything. If not, how do I let that go?

i don't know what to say.

{{{{{{{{{{heroswife}}}}}}}}}}

continued prayers to you, RR

Oh Rough...I'm a lost cause. You shouldn't waste your time posting to me.

Like Pepper said I can't say I'm doing all I can if I'm not in MC...I shouldn't be able to post anymore. I was doing so good for so long but now I feel like the house I built recovery on was built on sand.

You can't get over this kind of betrayal if your WS won't meet you half way in recovery.

Heroswife,

I have been absent for awhile - we have a newborn and two older children (5 and 3) so I have been crazy busy. Are things going any better for you? Has H showed any more effort?

I am still struggling with the hurt. My H has been wonderful since D day but I just don't know if I can trust him again. And I am not sure I know the whole story - do I really want to? I replay the phrases they wrote to each other in emails over and over again like I think you must do too. It is sooo damn hard.