I read your post about not leaving the house. My H left to go live with his brother. I tried to talk him inot staying at home and sleeping in the guest room. He swears that he is having no physical contact with OW but has talked to her on the phone. He says she's in pain also and is just being a friend to her now. I don't know what to believe. He says he just wants to be by himself and clear his mind and think about what he wants. What does all of this really mean???? He says it's not in his heart right now to be with me. I am so hurt, lost and confused. Any advice????

This "FOG" thing... It just SUCKS!!! And the "FOG" for me was both ways, it was toward my M and the OM!
I can tell you that "NO CONTACT" has got to mean "NONE!!!" No phone calls, no e-mails, NOTHING!!! If I had been able to leave my house, even my bedroom for one night I can not truly say that my H and I would be together right now. I'm not telling you that to hurt you, god knows you are hurting enough. And I feel it for you.
The day I "came clean", you know what shocked me the most? My H slept in the same bed with me that night. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror, but he slept in OUR bed with me. (SLEEP)
I'm just saying, if you can, and as hard as it is for you, try and stay close to your spouse. I promise you (I know) they are not thinking clear in any way. They will swear that they've never been clearer about their feelings. They have never felt so strong. Believe me it is BS!!!! The truth is the emotions are whirling around so fast, they don't know what to feel. I didn't.
Like I said... I wanted out, to get away. I didn't care where, I just wanted to run. For a couple of reasons. I didn't want face my shame, and I wanted a fix from my lover. Even if it was just a phone call or e-mail. Some kind of contact to keep me going.
I don't know if this helps or hurts. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Thanks for responding. I've asked my H to come home but he refuses. He says he needs space so he can miss me and is trying to create a void for me. Is this BS? I just don't know what to believe anymore. I want so badly for him to come home so we can at least begin to work on things. He keeps saying he can't love me in the capacity of a husband. We've been married 14 yrs. and have an 8 yr.old son. I don't know what to do. When he comes around how should I act? What would you suggest?

My H just called and talked to our son and is coming to get him to take him ice skating. Once again I am left home alone. I'm trying to plan a girl's night out (last minute). I just can't take one more night eating alone.
My H has a pretty flexable work schedule and he's still not here yet. It makes me wonder where he is. He swears up and down that he is not 'seeing" her. He tells me that he hasn't called her that she keeps calling him and when she does he tries to help her through all the pain she's in. What about me??? I'm left to deal with my own pain. UUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TeeReich
I am so sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I hope you're doing well.
Couple of things... He needs to STOP trying to console the OW! That is crap! It truly makes me sick when the "other person" uses pitty to hold on to the affair. His loyalty needs to be with you and his family!
You said that he thinks he needs space to miss you. MORE CRAP! He needs to focus on his family. This is just a guess, and I hope it doesn't offend you... But, I would say that he has been missing you too much already. What I mean by that is that he has missed out on the day to day caring of each other and that has taken away from his marriage.
I tried the same thing. I told my husband I needed space to figure out what I needed. But you know what... At this point it's not so much about what HE (your husband) needs. It should be more about what OUR marriage and family needs.
So, what happened this weekend?
One other thing... The girls night or dinner would be a good idea. But keep it simple, and keep it at one of your houses. And I would definately keep the drinking to a minimum. For one it's just going to depress you, and two you need to have a clear mind right now. Enjoy a glass of wine, but don't let your emotions get in control. (Of course, I don't know you... and you may not even drink. It's just that I've been there and it AINT NO FUN)
HTH...

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: sakari ]</small>

I totally agree with what you said. I told my husband that he needed to be here with me and our son. He said that I am trying to force him to love me and to be married.
When will he come to his senses??? I didn't see him at all yesterday. He sent me an email but I didn't respond. He said he had been looking forward to spend the day together as a family...but the night before we got into a huge fight and I told him goodbye. He said he needed space and now he wants to get together to spend as a family????? I guess this is all fog talk huh?
How can he say that after he just hurt my feelings the other night by saying he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married????

I wish I could answer that for you, but some days I still feel the "FOG" It's to the point for me that if OM pops in my thoughts, I say out loud, to my self "It doesn't matter, I don't care, He's out of my life" Then I focus on my H and family.
Yes he sees you as forcing him to do something that "HE THINKS" he doesn't want to do. But what you are doing is trying to hold it together for both of you. Loving him when he "THINKS" he doesn't deserve it. That is a GOOD thing, and takes a very strong person.
For the record, I told my H that I didn't love him the way a W should. That I had married him because he was a good man, but that I felt no passion for him. I actually told him that I wanted him to find someone else and start a new family, have children, find someone that could make him happy. "Oh yes, WHAT AN IDIOT!!!" (and for the record... BEING A GOOD MAN IS A VERY VERY GOOD THING!)
Guess what... Thank God he is a good man, a strong man. I never stopped loving him, I see that now, but I couldn't see it through the "fog" at the time.
I don't consider myself in the least able to give advice. Lord knows I've done my share of STUPID things. I guess if I could share one thing with you it would be "Don't forget to breathe"
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PEACE

Thank you!!! Your advice has helped me believe it or not. My H said the same things you did. I do feel that deep in his heart that he loves me. I will continue to be strong!!!

It's hard to get through the days sometimes but I know that one day all of this pain will go away and that's what keeps me going. I just pray and do the best I can.