Hello!

I am feeling depressed and frustrated. I am the WS. D-day was 13 months ago. The first couple of months after d-day went pretty well for H and I. I thought we would recover. Now at 13 months I feel like we will not make it. I probably started feeling we were in serious trouble about the 4th month post D-day. Brief story- I had S 2 times with a “friend” over a week long period while H was out of town. I unfortunately chose to lie to H when he was suspicious after returning from his trip. I told him the truth 1 week after his return. I have told him every sickening detail of what I did. I have not hidden anything from him. I wrote a n/c letter to OM a couple of days after D-day. I have held true to my letter and had n/c. We were fortunate enough to be able to move to another state about 1 ½ months after D-day. I try to do things to make my H happy. He is very depressed (suicidal). I have offered to go to counseling; I have tried to get him to tell me how to help him. He doesn’t want to go to counseling or a doctor for meds. He says he loves me and I do believe him (or he wouldn’t be with me still.) He has no desire to have S, he is self employed but has no ambition anymore.

I have caused him the deepest of pain and I am so very sorry. He tells me he knows, but sorry doesn’t fix the past. I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel selfish to write this, because everything he is going through is my fault. I wish I could take his pain away. I have almost completed reading, “Surviving an Affair.” I guess I feel like not 1 of my EN are being met. I am trying to meet my H's, but he is shutting me out and not letting me even have the chance to get in. Sometimes I think I should leave so maybe he could move on in his life. I really do love him with all of my heart and I just want to seem him smile again. It would really hurt if he found someone else, but I know that’s what I deserve and he deserves happiness. Probably my biggest fear is that if I did leave he would kill himself and I definitely don’t want that. No one will ever know how sorry I am for what I have done. He is not physically mean to me, he is just silent. We just put on this face to our children and others and exist in the same house.

What can I do?

Hi, cantbelievemyself, do you mind if I shorten that to CBM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am not in your situation as my H and I worked very hard on recovery from the day after d-day. I am the FWW. (Former wayward or wandering wife).

I just wanted to welcome you here. It is tough to come here as the FWS but you will find you will have support and help from everyone here because anyone really sincere about marriage building is welcomed by the wonderful people here.

I wish I had advice for your situation but I'm sure someone will be along shortly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny

Jenny,

Thank you for the nice welcome note. I am glad to hear you are doing well. I hope your success continues. I posted once about 5 months ago. People were kind, I don't know why I feel nervous to post, I guess I have so much guilt and feel I deserve the pain I feel. I always am trying to hide it from everyone.

Thanks again!

Welcome!!!

I'm a FWW too! I don't really know what to tell you at this moment but you do sound remorseful for what happened. I wish your hubby would get on some Anti-d's.

Hopefully the big guns will come out, Pepper, JL, ark, WAT, and others. They should have some advise for you. I'm kind of in the same boat as Kiwi where we started recovery right after d-day and it's going well. I wish I knew what to say...

I could do an imitation of Bill Clinton and say, "I feel your pain"! LOL!

Recommend you start counseling with Steve or Jennifer @ MB ASAP. It is done by phone so you can do it withing earshot of your H. Later he may want to join you.

Continue to read and improve. Read His needs/Her Needs and see how to communicate with your H. He has been deeply wounded and don't be surprised if he is thinking of a revenge A. I don't want to alarm you but when one mate is wounded in these scenarios and not seeking help, they are quite vulernable.

Don't hover over him. You need to learn how to communicate security and love for him. Take the EN questionnaire once as yourself and once as him (if he won't take it). Steve or Jennifer will help you make a plan.

Also try the book Giver/Taker. Also by Dr W. Harley.

JMHO,
L.