i am so sick of this trying to be nice bull****. i am starting to get really angry at being treated like crap. here i am all nice and supportive while h in fogland gets to do whatever he wants. what i want to know is when is it going to be MY time to have a loving honest relationship? i feel as if im dying, going numb with pain and grief. the girls i work with tell me you can only be hurt and disappointed so many times before you finally quit caring. is it wrong of me to wish that time would come? we got into a argument earlier and he never came home last nite. im so tired of this. but when i try to leave him i find that i cant. so many mixed up emotions. is it love or hate? how do other people deal with constantly being hurt?

Shelly,
I know exactly how you feel- and it sucks. I am not always great at this but the theory goes like this:
H is not solely to blame for A. You need to appreciate that for what ever reason you did not meet all his EN. Even though he is the one hurting you, if you want a M that works for both of you something must change. If you wait for WH to be what you want him to be you will watch your M go out the window. So, it is about taking control, being the best you can be so that what ever happens you will have no regrets. You also give him no excuse for his bad behaviour so that he becomes accountable and doesn't blame you.
I know it is hard but when you are successful even in small ways you will feel empowered.
Hang in there
S

Hang in there Shelly!
I sometimes feel the same way you do! Why should I have to put up with this?? I'm in Plan A and some days I really see it working. My H expects to see me upset and angry. I'm trying to show him something different than the "old me". It does work. Keep trying!!!!!

hi, and thanks for your responses.yes, i have been plan a ing my a off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and had been having some success. he was spending more time with d and me. we were actually having fun again. then he calls me last night to tell me he was going to be really late and he did not know when he was going to come home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> well, nothing makes me angrier than him staying out all nite with his loser friends, so i had told him why? are you going barhopping? well, he started yelling so i hung up on him. he tried to call back according to him 10 times, ( i counted 2 ) and then he didnt call all nite. so i broke into his voicemail and when you do that thru the company, you have to change the passcode. well, at about 9:30 this morning he calls me up hollering and cursing that its HIS phone i have no right to be in it, that he cant take all my questions, (i dont have a right to know where my own h is?) if i kept this up he would pack all the rest of his crap that i didnt throw out the back door the last big argument we had, and leave.by the way, up until last night, i had his passcode, but he changed it on purpose to piss me off. well he just called a half hour ago, a lot calmer to see what i was doing. i kept it neutral and just answered whatever he asked. he said he would call back later. i guess now is not the time to tell him i ordered detailed billing for his cell phone this morning. now ill be able to see for myself who he is calling and text messaging once and for all.i feel a bit better now. maybe i am going to go totally numb soon. i cant stand being hurt, im tired of it.

How long have you been in Plan A?

God do I know how you feel Shelly!!!!! I also can check my H cell phone bill. It makes me feel so sick that I have to be so snoopy with the person that I love most. I hate feeling that way and hope that one day it won't be like that.
The thing that is really bothering me lately is that mY H comes to get our son and takes him to do all these fun things but ignores me and then when I tell my son he can't go becasue he has homework, etc. I look like tha bad Mom. Not fair!!!
I'm in the same boat so don't really have much advice but to just hang in and we'll all try to help. Good luck!

i am going to go totally numb soon. i cant stand being hurt, im tired of it.

You may have stayed in Plan A too long... that's what Believer is trying to find out.

If you're going to spin out of control in Plan A ... it's time for a change.

Do you think you have done a good Plan A where you have demonstrated what a great marriage is possible between you?

If you are going to love bust or go insane, it's PlanA over, begin Plan B time.

Where are you with your
energy
love bank
sleep
eating
weight loss
crying


in other words.... what is the state of YOU right now?

Pep

ive been trying to do a good plan a for about a month and a half. the problem i keep having is i keep messing up. i have been doing real well for about 3 weeks. i just have problems controlling my temper. i know its my fault as much as his. but i have a real problem with all this giving and he still acts like a jerk when the mood strikes. i feel like a doormat. something inside me just SCREAMS that this is not right! dont you have ANY self respect! why do you let him get away with his bull****!? sometimes i feel peaceful and that voice is not there. but it builds up and i explode. then it calms down and it will be longer until it builds up again.

I feel the exact same way!!! It's a rollercoaster ride. I jusmp from feeling angry and wanting him to know about it to wanting to hug him and have him home. I guess it's a normal process. I'll be glad when this is all behind me. I guess we have to make them see us for the woman they married and show them that we love them unconditionally. Hang in there..I'm right with ya!!!

Shelly_3,

I feel for you. The staying out all night activities I remember from when I was a younger wife. staying up all night worrying, then being lied to and then eventually fining out he was out with an old GF or OW.Years later after those incidents look where I am. I am kicking myself all of the time for letting things go on and for beleiving he would make the changes neccessary.

Your H does not respect you, Do you have children? You are probably better off getting out when they are small.

Here I am years later...thinking that things had changed...they were just in storage in the attic. Because it seems things always start up again in a different shape or form, now that he has decided to get his games out to play again. It is emotionally exhausting.

Good luck Shelly Keep your head up...You are worth more...I think you should go with plan B too. I know it is hard. I haven't got there yet.

thanks TR. it really is a rollercoaster, i know that, i was thinking that myself. but isnt my anger normal? i mean, do vows mean NOTHING to these ws? i also feel like beating him up. someone else on this site mentioned that they also went thru cycles like mine. build up, blow up, then peace. build up, blow up, peace. you know after 2 day i may not blow up again for a few weeks.

Shelly,

The best way I have found to cope is to simply choose to forgive the other person in my heart. (Even when they have not yet repented).

When I do ,I have found that the hurt heals quickly- kind of a side effect of forgiving if you will.


There is a link here about forgiveness:


http://www.bible.com/answers/aforgive.html


Shul

Shelly,
I know about the cycle you talk about. The anger comes from nowhere and it leaves you feeling like you have let yourself down. That's the part that I hate, he is the one who is destroying everything and so often he blames you and you start blaming yourself. Even though it is better not to show you anger, remember-YOU ARE ENTITLED TO BE ANGRY.
I also think (and this may not be MB philosophy) but you must also havea bottom lines. Things that you won't except, things that protect you from feeling like a doormat. I would sit my H down when you are calm amd explain your need for eg honesty, telling you where he is - even if you don't like the answer. You need to find a way to save your sanity and not lose your H. I think my H will only stop C because he may lose me if he keeps it up. Sometimes drawing guidelines is not LB it is just telling them what you will and won't put up with.
See what others further down the path suggest.
If it help at all -know that you are not alone -and even more importantly your responses are normal. You are travelling the rollercoaster of betrayal- not a nice ride!!!!!!!!!
S