H says he plans to move out. Has discussed some practicalities with me - says he wants to buy a small place near by for when the kids are over, rather than rent. Wants custody every other week. Wants to work up a spreadsheet to figure out finances. None of this has yet come to pass - just talk. Seems to be facing everything other than what OUR relationship will be. Says he wants "nookie night" and doesn't want me to date others. Don't know if this means he still loves me or just doesn't like the idea of me with other men.

He is up at our cabin this weekend with married high school chums. Has called me a couple of times a day and every night before he goes to bed. Tells me what they have been doing, is affectionate, funny and tells me he loves me before he hangs up. No mention of the current
"crisis".

As previously mentioned, after talking to my H privately in one individual session, our C told me during my individual session that my H is having a midlife crisis, thinks I am too old for him and wants to find someone else to spend the rest of his life with that is more age compatible. H feels that this is his last chance to find someone while he is still young enough and have the best years of his life ahead of him. H has never said he would eventually leave me because of my age, has said that his reason for leaving is that he just doesn't want to be monogamous for the rest of his life, which I guess is the same as saying he doesn't want to be with me the rest of his life, if he can't screw around.

So we seemed to be fine - happy, having a good life with our kids etc, until OW came back into the picture for a couple of weeks. H went off the deep end and was prepared to run off with her to try a life with her. She opted to stay with her H, but this episode seemed to convince my H that now is the time to leave me and find someone else more his age. His dad, who he is very close to, said that my H has never mentioned that he has a problem with my age.

I know I have posted all of this ad infinitem during the past week or so, but I guess posting is the only thing keeping me sane these days _ I have to keep on posting to feel like I am doing something to get my feelings and fears out there.
Everyone has already given me great responses. Seems like H's mind is made up although he hasn't made any physical moves to go yet. I still can't believe he is about to walk away from our happy home, our two great kids and our wonderful family life as we have known it for the past 13.5 years. Guess I am still in denial, but its just so darn painful to face the truth.

Thanks for listening...

Your husband reminds me of my friend's exhusband. She is 12 years older than him. But they have always gotten along very well. He went through the same thing, and they ended up divorced. They lost their beautiful home and got separate places.

Well guess what? They have been divorced for 2 years and he is at her house constantly. I mean constantly, nights, weekends, all the time. I have been trying to hook her up with a guy I work with. But they can never get together because her husband takes up all of her free time. Strange.

OK - I am answering my own post - gotta keep talking this morning or I will lose my mind!

The thing is, if what my counselor tells me is true, H has decided in a matter of 6 weeks to destroy his marriage and family, devastate his wife and kids, to make himself available to a younger, more appropriate woman who would be a more suitable life partner.

How can you treat people this way? Is this the ultimate act of selfishness? It would almost be easier if he were leaving me for another woman, as then at least I could rationalize that he was in love with someone else.

Then again, he WAS ready to leave me for the exOW just weeks ago, after a 2 week rekindling. Told me he was still in love with her. So is he now out of love with her, or just waiting to see if she will leave her H and be with him? Remember, during the first A, she told him that they were perfect for each other, no man could ever make her happy, including the then boyfriend who is now H! Maybe H's ego is so big that he still believes once he is free, she will make good on her original statement that "this is the kind of love that only comes along once in a lifetime" He even reminded me that she thought he was "it" for her, and maybe his ego never let go of the fact that no woman has ever made such a "love you for the rest of my life" fuss over him. The reason she is staying with her H is that she wants kids, and my H doesn't want anymore. And, she doesn't want him to leave me for her - such a scandal! So maybe he is moving out to make it look like he is leaving for other reasons, and their master plan is to hook up after the dust has cleared.

H tells me I don't have anything to worry about regarding her. (great - what a relief under these circumstances!) says that he is glad now that she didn't leave to be with him, that she is probably not right for him anyway, they are just friends. Our C says he barely mentioned the OW in their session, it was more about my H's desire to fulfill this "image" of himself with a woman closer to his age. Our C also said that OW sounds like the exact opposite of me, and that is probably what attracted him to her in the first place. He also said if they got together, his life would be very unstable.

Whatever - why am I trying to rationalize and analyze this situation? To keep myself from totally breaking down today. I have to take our daughter to a soccer tournament in a while, and would like to be able to keep it together.

The bottom line is rejection I guess, but he is not only crushing my hopes and dreams of continuing our family and marriage as I have known it, but getting ready to bring tremendous upheavel and pain into our kid's lives forever, to pursue his own happiness.

I'm a pretty live and let live, type of person, but this is not right, is it?

More venting to come later today, I'm sure. Thanks to all for listening.

Dear EH,

Sorry for your pain. The one repetative point that stands out is 'he wants'..... Those statements over and over yell out loud and clear that he is in his selfish stage.

The reasons for calling you? Bet it is to show his friends what a great family guy he is. Good H and father picture. It is a facade.

Maybe a crying episode when he calls you and you know there are others around may help others see you are in crisis. See if he can escape from the fact that he is out there playing and you are home in tears.

How well do you know the ones he is with? Will you be seeing them when they return?

Exposure maybe what you need. As for his MLC, well you may need to let him go out there and hit rock bottom. He can go buy a house, make sure you get your financial security and then do what it takes to make his transistion more difficult. As for living near the kids, well he has to realize his kids are not stupid. As seen right here on MB, the time a WS moved in with the OW and it was right next door to the BS and family, even that hurt.

Something to think about, eh?

L.

We posted at the same time. See? You're not talking to yourself after all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Says he wants "nookie night" and doesn't want me to date others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you reply to this?

Here's my opinion. You are his wife, not part of his harem. I think you should make it clear to him that if he chooses to leave, sex with you is not an option.

He's planning to be a slut, you really don't want to expose your health to him.

In some states it is possible to write into the custody agreement that neither partner will have overnight opposite sex guests. If he wants the kids for full weeks, I'd mention that this is your expectation for the visitation times.

It sounds to me that he doesn't want to lose his family time or even intimate times with you even as another part of him wants to pursue EMRs.

Don't protect him from the consequences of his decsions, including your unavailability to him.

Believe, I will NOT be having sex with my H after he leaves, nor will I "date" him. I have already make that clear, he just doesn't like the sound of it. In fact, the way I feel now, I am going to steer clear of him as much as possible once he leaves - it will be too painful to see him. I know I will see him once a week at soccer games, and I plan to be friendly, but leave it at that.

So after my deep funk this morning, this afternoon I am at a place like this: he is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of how it affects his family. My main priority at this time is to take care of myself and make sure I do whatever I can to make this impending trauma as comfortable as possible for them.

H's weekend has been planned for over a year - its his annual boys retreat with his highschool buddies. I know 2 of them really well, as long as I've known my H. One used to confide in me about his girlfriend problems. I don't think he is calling to put on a show, cause the phone in the cabin is in the bedroom, and he has been calling late at night when they would already be in bed downstairs themselves.

Anyway, today I came to the realization that all though I will miss his fun company and the companionship, I will not miss alot of other negative qualities that I have been putting up with for years, the worse being his infidelity and the heartless way he carried out his A. Plus his dishonesty. So I guess I am coming to grips with the fact that I will be alright, maybe even better.

I think my biggest problem is feeling so terrible for my kids. They are about to have their whole world shook up - go from many years as a "whole family" to the second phase of their childhood being in a split up situation. So sad for them - I really need some professional help to do this the least harmful way. I will say that H is determined to stay a "good" dad and be very involved in his kids lives.

Anyway, all of this is just "talk" still, as we plan to spend the next 2 weeks including our family vacation as if things are normal. He has another counseling session next week and so do I, so maybe we will see things clearer after that. More later.....(and thanks for the support and advice)

EH,

You know one of the things that makes me the angriest on your behalf is how he is totally disregarding your wellbeing, and the wellbeing of his children.

It's all about him and his needs. Has he always been this selfish????? I can't help but think like you he is making an enormous mistake. However it is just talk. With everything so right with you as a couple; will he really throw it all away?

Has he taken any action? Said anything to your children?

Really if he does actually leave, then you truly are better off without him. This decision for the reasons he states - society, his friends, and family will lose respect for him. You deserve far better than you're getting.