<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

2B,
this is a dreadful position to be in. There isn't anything H can do, except listen and comfort you. It all has to come from within you.

Time will be your best friend. I wish there was a magic wand to wipe away the memories, and replace all the triggers. But sadly enough there isn't.

This is a place you'll struggle with for awhile. I'm in no position to tell you it's all about your mind set. I falter fairly often myself.

It's all about the here, today, now... if you put your energy into these things, you're triggers will be less, your pain will be replaced sometimes with hopes for the future.

The best advice I can give you is be patient with yourself, talk to your H, and let him know you WANT to get past this. Tell him that he's doing all he can right now, by just realizing you're going through a difficult time.

In time, it will get better. You are going through very normal emotions, don't fight them, it won't do any good. Just work through them.

This is all babble, I know. Read the success stories, 3, 4 years out, they are doing wonderfully. Make that your goal. Accept you aren't "there" yet, but WILL be.

. I've hidden my feelings him because I know he doesn't like to talk about it and I try to spare his feelings.

This is not your appropriate attitude for recovery!

You have no business trying to manage or control "his feelings". You cannot "spare" him from the truth. That is not doing anyone any favors. I'll bet when your H was becoming involved with OW he did not tell you because he was trying to "spare her from this hurt".

Nope!

The consequences belong to him. If you stuff your fears, pain ... you will (eventually) feel deeply resentful

Last night on the phone I broke down on him, I felt horrible because I know it makes him feel bad and that isn't what I want to do.

Don't feel horrible. It is what it is. He needs to be put to the fire in order to become the man you can trust!

He asked what he can do, and my response is always I don't know.

"I don't know" .... Singularly the least useful response in marriage building. Instead try ... "Hold me, I need you. And also hold on to yourself when my emotions become a flood. I need you right now. Don't back away from me when I am in pain, it frightens me."

He said he wants to be able to do something but what I want him to do he can't, noone can.

Nice work at emasculating your husband.

Let him help you.

Ask to be held.

THAT is marriage building... asking for help instead of isolating yourself.

I want the pain to go away, I want the visuals, the triggers, the feelings, the thoughts, to all just go away. But he can't take those away, that's something I have to do, and have been working on.

Do this ... write EVERYTHING down in a journal, and ask your H to read it weekly .... and then come to you after he's read what you've written .... and to HOLD YOU and to CUDDLE with you. That's "it". He needs to know what you're going through, you must let him in. And he needs to be able to help you through the pain .... usually NOT BY TALKING .... but by his physical presence and his willingness to be with you even when it makes him uncomfortable.

He would like to "fix" this for you. But he cannot fix your emotions any more than you can fix his.

Allow him to be there with you and to hold you when you need him.


Next month is when that dreaded line was crossed not to mention our anniversary. The up coming months are filled with horrible memories, our anniversary sucked, Halloween he spent the night with her, Christmas he got me absolutely nothing, and New Year's Day he left me (after making love in the morning) to be with her.

And THIS is a huge line up of pain year after year.... there will come a day when these triggers are very very small .... but it did happen this way.... and you cannot expect it of yourself to completely forget reality....





Then to top all of this off, his uncle is coming into town next month also which means to see him we will have to see his mother, long long sorted story, but there is no relationship there with his mother, she's a very evil person.

If this is true, she's evil ..... then put her up in a motel during her visit ... NOT NOT NOT in your home.

Through our whole marriage I have always been the one to have to get over things, before my H realized what his mother was trying to do, I had to get over everything every time she did something, with his ex, I've had to get over all that crap, now this, I am the one that has to get over this. Doesn't seem fair, and yes I know life isn't fair.

You know, your communication skills are being affected by your tidal wave of hurt. Please allow me to suggeast something...

Set up boundaries regarding your H's relatives .... POJA the visit with your H before they get there.

Hours they can be with you should be limited. Pre-set planning.

What your H will do if your MIL becomes critical or rags on of either of you ( a code word between you to indicate "WE MUST LEAVE NOW")..... I suggest you may say to each other something like ... "My back (neck, head, feet, whatever) just went into spasm .... sorry, we need to leave."

Get this all arranged between you , pre-plan.

I want my H to help me through these "tough" times, I just don't know how to let him. I've thought about letting him read my journal, then maybe he would have an idea of what I go through day to day, but I just don't know.

Obviously I vote yes... but give him something to do to help both of you with recovery. Have you ever read his journal? have you ever asked him about his hurt? His loss of self-esteem? His self-loathing?

He wants to help. You aren't allowing it.

Equal time my dear.

Pep

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: 2B Us Again ]</small>

anyone else dealt with this and how did you overcome it?

Slow down.

That is my only real advice.

Of course he doesn't want to talk about the affair. There are very few former wayward spouses WS that do. I sure as hell didn't.
It is hard to look the woman, that you made all those promises to . . . love, honor, foresaking all others, etc., in the eyes while you explain what you did with another woman. It is not fun at all.

Your job is not to make him feel better about having an affair. Your job is to decide if you can trust this person again and to decide if you want to continue being married.

You are still so close to D-Day. This will take time.

Good luck.