I have a doctor who is very unwilling to prescribe anti-d's for me as she feels that I am "handling" everything pretty well and that I am almost "through" the worst. Here is where I am--

My H has committed to no contact, has quit bands with OW in them, is doing more with my family (going places, doing more family things) is open to working on us (going out together etc.) but the problem is me now.

I feel numb. I feel like I am acting happy but inside I feel flat and numb. Like I am watching my life passing in front of me...I hear myself talking confidently and happy and I feel weird about it...like it is someone else. I feel like crying all of the time...Like I just want to be alone..I am so afraid of being hurt again.

I try to talk myself out of this feeling, stay very busy and positive, but deep down I am very unhappy. I keep thinking that I am with a cheating liar who lied to my face and that I cannot trust him. It has been since October (first DDAy) and Mothers day (intercepted an email telling OW he still loves her).

Maybe I am expecting to be feeling better already but I am not. I am feeling better that I know the boundaries that I will accept now and I am fully prepared to stick with them...but it feels like I am waiting for the shoe to drop rather than feeling comfortable and relaxed about things. For being married for 18 years, I feel jittery and desperately unhappy even though my H appears to be working hard at making me happy/being affectionate etc.. I just don't believe what I see any more and i feel bad about that. By not caring, I am pushing him away so that I won't be hurt when the pain inevitably comes. This is not a good way to think when you are rebuilding your marriage is it?

I am afraid to admit that my feelings for him are gone. Maybe they are buried? I'm sorry to be going on about this so much. I don't know if meds will help me. Can anyone give me some advice/thoughts about what I should be doing now to be more involved in my marriage. A 2 X4 wouldn't hurt either if you think that is needed.

Sandy

Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? They might have a different idea on things. What you are describing sounds so familiar - it's just like me. And I do take anti-D - wish I ahd started years ago. It might have been a different thing fo us.

Anyway - If your DR absolutely refuses than see about a referal to a psych. They will listen to your symptoms with a different ear.

Sandy honey, you are going through a normal recovery. This is all textbook recovery from a trauma and is absolutely necessary to heal. I know its hard, but its much better to face it head on and get it over with than it is to make it go away.

The one thing that helped me more than anything was throwing myself into exercise. It helped my mental outlook tremendously and for that 1 hour I could forget my pain. That, and TIME, helped more than anything. Go to the store and buy The Firm's Super Cardio Mix. That will definitely take your mind off things for a while.

My recovery process went in cycles: build up, explode, peace, build up, explode, peace. Then around 8 months it was VERY BAD. After that my cycles got farther and farther apart until they went away all together. So hang in there, girl, it will get better, I promise ya!

Thanks for your responses--I will be seeing a IC on Thursday and will check out the local video places for some workout tapes/cd's. I appreciate your thoughts, support and comments. It means a lot let me tell you. I just want to feel happy again and I hope that it happens.

Sandy

SandiGirl,

While antidepressants are a wonderful adjunct to most of the symptoms that we see on these threads, NO medication is without side effects. If you know my story, I fought going on ADs because of my fear of those side effects. When I finally started the Zoloft( I am NOT recomending any specific med) it seemed to help after the 2-3 weeks of onset.

But I also had a sneaky suspicion that my mental condition was improving of its own accord and I stopped the med. One of my Psych friends gave me some advice that resonated with me. He said that like death, traumatic personal trajedies(Affairs) go through the same series of steps, denial, anger....etc. His feeling is that while AD's are invaluable in getting some people to stabilize important symptoms like sleep, concentration, functional abilities, THEY ALSO DELAY the natural progression of what we most all go thru in the healing process.

I am not trying to make a diagnosis or recomend treatment, just trying to give the doc's perspective on his refusal to give you these meds. Now his is just one opinion and I would STRONGLY ENCOURAGE TO GET ANOTHER from either a psychiatrist or a psychologist(even though they can't prescribe meds in most states, they often have an MD colleague that will take on your case if meds are felt to be necessary).

Best of luck and keep posting. You have a lot of VERY WISE friends on MB

Sandi-

There are 2 philosophies in medicine. One is that you need to work out all your problems on your own. You can go for counseling for years, and years, go thru the misery, etc.

The other one is that your brain chemicals are messed up. Take the anti-D's and VOILA! everything is good again. I subscribe to the 2nd one. I am on anti-D's.

No one can tell me that I need to go to counseling for years and years. Yep, I'm sure I could use it, but it won't help my sit. WH was madly in love with me, and suddenly left. He ran into OW, who, by the way is 20 years younger than me.

Now I could see a counselor and go round and round. But the plain truth is that WH is going thru a midlife crisis. He had a good life with me. Yes, I was not the perfect wife (although he still tells me I was).

We had 8 kids between us. When we married, he needed a homemaker. Now that the kids are out of the house, he needs a younger, wilder woman. So he has that. No amount of counseling will get me over this. But aaaaaawwwwwwhhhhhhhh, the drugs work.

My opinion only:

A/D's aren't a miracle cure for all that ails you. Maybe they completely turn some peoples' moods around--they don't for me.

I've been on and off them for several years (am currently on) and am living proof that one can still be depressed or anxious even on the drugs. (I also have a coworker who keeps switching from one to another, and to another, and is still depressed--I think part of it is that she expects the drugs to "fix" her.)

However, that said... I would be nuts to go off mine right now. I have an issue not so much with depression but with anxiety (depression also runs in my mother's family). Things can be good and yet I can see something or hear something (or maybe nothing happens at all) and I get a sick feeling in my stomach and can't eat and the bottom falls out.

A/D's don't fix that problem. They don't fix my mood on their own. But they level me out so that I am able to think rationally (or as rationally as I CAN think), and then I'm able to get better.

I have been very depressed at times during this A of my WH's. I've cried. I've been numb. The A/D's haven't fixed that. But they've kept the mood swings more level so that with God's help and the help of people who care about me, I can remain functional.

Just food for thought.

LL

I really appreciate your thoughtful replies everyone! I can't seem to find a way to feel happy--every now and then I think--HEY I feel pretty good, kinda "happy" and then I slip back--I am normally a pretty happy person--mostly positive etc. and I just can't stand being miserable any more.

How the heck can I change this? Is it an act "as if I'm happy" kind of thing? SHould I compartmentalize things a bit? Is being happy or at least feel good, a concious choice? I'm afraid to think that I may actually be choosing to be unhappy. Whoa--now that's an idea to chew on. I mean, I have my health, my kids are OK even though they have been through a tough year too, I have a great teaching job, my bills are under control, I look pretty good after the infidelity diet--the more I think about it, I may actually be getting something from being so miserable. But what? Why would I do that to myself.

Man, I had better stop analyzing myself too much. Thanks for listening to my blathering....

Sandy