Having a rough day today. Been feeling down since I got up this morning. My son has been a great distraction and I've kept myself busy helping my parents do their gardening but the same question keeps going around and around in my head....

What have I done that is so bad that I deserve this?

I thought I was a good man. A good husband and a good father. I've always been honest and loving and helpfull to my wife. I've looked after her from day 1 and provided her with a good home and financial security. I've nursed her when she was ill. Why has she done this to me? How can she treat me like this, hurt me so very badly and not feel anything for me. If she was unhappy with me why oh why didn't she talk to me. I'm so approachable and I've always done my best to help her with any problems she's had in the past. We were best the best of friends. We've experienced so much together that she seems to have forgotten. I've got a good sense of humour, I've never hidden my emotions and I've never stopped loving her. I've never hidden the fact that I am still so in love with her.
And she leaves me for a man she chatted to over the internet for 5-6 weeks and met twice for coffee!

What have I done that is so bad to deserve this?

She left me so quickly after I discovered the affair. She seems oblivious to the fact that she is causing so much hurt, not only to me but to a 7 year old child and her family. She seems so determined to follow this through to the very end. Selling the house, getting a divorce.... Why can't she see this is wrong? This is not the lady that I have known and loved for 10 years. I understand the concept of the fog and being replaced by an alien look-a-like but why her. She would never do anything to hurt me in the past. Why is she throwing me to the side to live her life with a man she thinks she knows but doesn't. I know she knows he has lied to her. Why is she putting up with this. Why the risk?
And the sad fact is the only reason she has given me for all of this is boredom. My wife was bored. I'm dying inside and all because my wife was bored. I still don't feel angry towards her, just the sadness remains. I wish somebody could sit me down, hold my hand and tell me her relationship with the OM will fail and at least I'll get a second chance.

All I really want is a second chance.

Sorry about the rant but it's been building up inside of me for the past few days and I can't keep pushing it down. Sorry.

Hi. I am no expert but I thought that I'd reply because I am feeling the very same theng as you are. The pain is terrible--I feel like there is a flat frozen sea inside of me and it is truly terrible.

I was thinking the very same thing as you this morning and I was crying in my car about it. I wish I knew something to say to help but I can't. I send you a hug and prayer that you will get through all of this...I try to remember that there are people out there who would think that someone so loyal and devoted would be like riches beyond imagining. Unfortunately, my H doesn't even notice it. Your W is the same.

Take care,

Sandy

Thankyou Sandy. I'm so sorry to hear that you are in the same boat and I send you a big hug and lots of prayers back. It's such early days for me yet and I'm terrified of the long road ahead. I'm making baby steps, going to see the doctor monday morning and I've got a couple of legal appointments lined up but I can't stop thinking of my wife. Where have her feelings for me disapeared to? We were so much in love. Can a person just exorcise their feelings and memories for somebody that they have loved for 10 years. Somebody once told me that you can't forget 10 years of bad marriage let alone 10 years of good marriage. Is this true? My wife has admitted to me that she has had to make herself colder and harder to get through this. Why? Will she be able to achieve this and hide her feelings for me forever. She has also told me that sometimes she misses me. Why won't she just come back. The OM must be something special if he has got this much influence over her. More special and powerful and exciting than me.

here's the lighthouse post for you to mull over..

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

Ark - I've read this before but it helps to read it again. I truely hope this is true for all us lost souls out there.

STMS,

I know how you're feeling and I'm so sorry that you are in such pain... I've been there.

Try to read all that you can here and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... Our MC gave us this book and it really helped explain many of the feelings that I went through and that you've mentioned here.

Ark's lighthouse post is so right... be strong for your wife and son...

You and your family are in my prayers...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thankyou ark for the lighthouse post. That is how I want my wife to see me but I'm getting no opportunity to show her. Simply, at the moment I think she needs to see me as the shark, hovering below her in the depths, ready and willing to pull her under with me.

I'm getting used to saying this but a lot has happened since I last posted.

Last night my son and I watched a shooting star burning up in the night sky. My 7 year old boy immediately clasped his hands together and started praying out loud.

'...I wish that Mummy and Daddy will get back together.'

When we went to bed later he made asked me to pray beside him. He asked me to pray out loud for what I wanted. I closed my eyes and said;

'I pray that Mummy will one day realise she loves Daddy and come back to me so we can be a family once again.
If Mummy decides that she doesn't love Daddy then I pray that Mummy will be happy and healthy and safe with ****. (OM)
I pray that (Son) will have a happy, healthy life and will always love and cherish Mummy and Daddy because we will always love you.'

He clapped his hands and replied with his own wishes, repeating what he had said earlier and also praying for the health and happiness of the family pet.

As we turned off the bedroom light son asked if we could talk. In between talking about Superheroes and toy talk he told me that he couldn't talk to Mummy like he talks to me.

I believed him. Mummy is under the influence of the OM. His own mother is putting him second to a stranger she met on an adult internet site.

Something grew inside me last night.

Something died inside me last night.

In the morning my wife collected him. The OM was standing at the bottom of the front path. Previously he had waited in the car. I caught a quick glimpse of him but hid out of sight as I briefed my wife very quickly on my son's cough (He's developed a chesty cough during the past 36 hours.)

And then my son was gone.

I realised that my wife had forgotten the money that I was paying her for my son. I texted her and told her but recieved no reply. Later I recieved a text from my son saying that he had left his glow-in-the-dark spider at our home. Could I drop it off at my in-laws (where my wife is currently living.) I phoned him back and said no, wife and OM were more than welcome to collect it and the money I owed them.

Emptiness for the next 3 hours.

The first twist of the knife was when I opened my email inbox. I had a message from the OM. Or so I thought. It was from my wife explaining that she was having difficulty with her old email address. Could I send all new correspondance to her new email address....

****(OM)and*****(My wife)@yahoo.co.uk

B******S.

What are they trying to prove?

I went out to visit friends. I had a 3+hour talk with a close female friend (I look upon her as my patron. She is a lot older than me and has been through what I am going through and her advice is invaluble.) When I finished talking to her I went back home. When I arrived back home I basically found the house had been ransacked and I found the following note;

Hi,
Thanx for leaving ****(Our son) spider out. I left the money as think maybe it's easier if I do it through my benefits. Thanx for leaving it anyway.
*****(My wife)

My wife had taken a lot of personal stuff (CD's mainly) that belonged to both of us. To be honest I feel like I've been raped. Was the OM here when she was doing this? I suspect so.

At this moment in time I despise my wife. She is planning something terrible for me.

What do I do now?

Just keep on hanging on. This is a long battle, and not easy. Your marriage didn't get this way in a day, and won't get fixed in a day. We will help you through this.

Hi there STMS...

I am so sorry that you are going through this cr*p. The first thing that pops into my mind is to change the locks on your house. She is gone, you need to protect your home and son from her just coming in whenever she wants and doing whatever she wants. Did she ever say she wanted the stuff that she took? It's the ignorance and nastiness of the fogpeople. They are absolute [censored]! Don't try to figure her out...it's futile.

And PLEASE do not blame yourself for her stupid hurtful choices. You sound like a wonderful man, husnband and father. Shine your light and she will be back when the "romance" fizzles, as they usually do. I love the lighthouse post, thanks Ark!

Thanks believer and What AmIDoing.
At the moment I am just confused. I'm being pulled one way and pushed another. I feel like I'm being ambushed at every turn just for the hell of it. Sometimes I wish I had been a B*****d in the marriage. At least then I could understand and justify why my wife is doing what she is. All I can do at the moment is hang on, post questions and read other peoples storys and replies. I'm seeing my solicitor this week to update her on my situation. Don't know at the moment how it will go or what I will do.
Can't change the locks as technically this is still my wifes home. The solicitor advised me against doing that.

I'm not looking forward to fighting the fogpeople. They are ignorant and nasty and they see me as their mortal enemy. I guess they need to see me as the enemy to justify their actions. Before this started I've never had any enemies. Everybody spoke highly of me and said what a good example I was.

I sure hope the romance fizzles out of their relationship. An evil part of me wants the romance to fizzle out just so my wife and the OM can see what they have left together. Just so they can see each other truely through clear eyes. I hope then that they will see each other as two ugly, damaged, ammoral people who have caused nothing but hurt.

Wishfull thinking maybe?

STMS, I utterly agree with you. I am in the same situation. The advice here is the same as I have received. It is a hard road to stay loving and giving when we receive only spite and madness in return but know that an affair of this type is more about temporary mental illness than 'love'.

I am learning I must let the A do what it will and be a 'lighthouse'in my own right for when my WWs fog clears. I am advising despite not truly believing this right now.

But what choice do we have if we want to rescue our marriages ?

Good luck and God Bless you.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 03:46 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Hi Bob.

What choice do we have if we want to rescue our marriages?

One thing I'm finding is how easy it is to lose sight of the fact that I DO want to rescue my marriage.

I DO want my wife back.

I DO want to reunite my family.

The opposite of everything my wife wants at the moment.

I hope this is temporary madness on my wifes part. How can she truly 'love' the OM when she DOESN'T know him? How can she truly love a man that has snuck up and ambushed a happy family, ripped it apart and is systematically trying to destroy any trace of the past 10 years. If my wife recovers from this 'mental illness' then I pray that she can look back and see that I was not her enemy, the OM was. Thank God for the love of my son and my own sense of right and wrong. It will be these things that will pull me through this and it will be these things that will also help my wife to recover and blossom when she sees the error of her ways.

God bless you in return Bob.

STMS this is the most loveless and hopeless thing a man can experience. Three weeks in since d-day and our lives are no better. I am still dying inside and hurting badly enough to not care if I live or die BUT my instinct says that my kids and even my WW need me. Giving up is the easiest thing, but it is the wrong thing for everyone involved, I firmly believe.

I agree Bob that giving up is the easy way out. Trouble is that I haven't even got that option yet. Maybe it's because I'm so family orientated but whenever I even think about throwing in the towel my natural protective instincts take over.

The OM gave up on his family. I don't know all the details but my wife told me that him and his partner just drifted apart.

Drifted apart.

Not ripped apart like what I am having to experience.

One of the most callous things my wife has told me since I discovered the affair is that the OM feels my hurt because he knows what I am going through. B******T! She said it to make me feel better I think but how dare she compare my situation to his. The OM and his partner just drifted apart. What the hell does that mean? I know for sure though that it says more about his commitment and how he views and works in a relationship than it does about mine.

Keep trusting your instinct Bob. You want to live for your children and your wife.

Take care.

Collected my Son from the in-laws yesterday. He was so pleased to see me that he couldn't wait to get the door open (it was locked!) Whe he got outside I picked him up and hugged him. My wife came out with his stuff.

I lost my voice.

I couldn't even look at her face.

We didn't make eye contact and we didn't exchange a single word during the handover.

I so desperately wanted to look into her eyes and ask her how she was but I went to pieces. I didn't cry or start shaking but it was so difficult being in her prescence.

I heard the OM laughing inside the house with my former MIL's husband.

Perhaps they were sharing a joke.

Me?

I got out of there PDQ.

How did my wife view the handover? Did she see me as weak? I so desperately want to do this right that I find myself analysing every text, email and meeting with her over and over again in my mind.

One thing I know though is that the transformation is complete. OM has now been completely accepted and intergrated by the in-laws. The last 10 years with me have truly counted for zero. I can understand them standing by their daughter, their own flesh and blood but to cast me aside for a complete stranger.... a terrorist of families as he has been described in the past is just sickening.

I sent my in-laws a letter asking to meet regarding my son. Did I get a reply back. No. My concerns for my son count for nothing in their eyes.

One good thing is that my son and I are bonding like some sort of SUPER-superglue. We talk openly and honestly about my wife, his mummy, and how we are feeling. I am proud of myself that throughout all of this pain I have still shone a light for his mummy and not said one bad word against her. My son understands how much I love his mummy and in my own way I am fighting for her. He told me that mummy still cries sometimes when they discuss daddy in bed at night. What gives? I'd like to think that my wife is not finding it as easy as she expected to just walk out on me.

Its hard to be a beacon when the kids are noticeing Mom's odd moods and when I am so loveless I could cry. I tryu to concentrate on the positive :

WW is in my house and my bed right now
She is not planning to move out AFAIK
She LMBINILWM
She is making small plans for our future
all indicators are she will de-fog at some point

But Lordy its so vry very hard. I have notr been without the love of a good woman in 22 years. Its so hard but I must do it for all concerned.

God bless you ( and me) with the strength and skills we need STMS

Hi Bob :-)

I wish I was in your position right now. I'd give 10 years of my future life to be at the point where you are right now.

Think POSITIVE!!!

You say;

WW is in my house and my bed right now

My WW is in my in-laws house sharing a bed with the OM with their blessing right now.

She is not planning to move out AFAIK

My WW moved out 4 days after I confronted her.

She LMBINILWM

My WW said this to me within the hour of me confronting her. It's fogese talk but she took it to heart and left me.

She is making small plans for our future

My WW is making plans for HER future with the OM at the expense of me and our son. I stand to lose my home, a home that me and my wife have built up over the last 10 years together and a home that my 7 year old son has told me he doesn't want to leave. And I can't do a thing to stop her.

all indicators are she will de-fog at some point

I pray that my WW will defog but I've accepted that this will simply not happen in the near future. She still has feelings for me.... I am sure of that, but the allure of the OM is just to strong at the moment. I pray with all my heart and soul that she will stop and THINK about what she is really doing, about who she is hurting. Not an option at the moment I fear.

I don't know what I'm trying to tell you Bob but I'm scared for you. I want you to survive this turmoil. You have the opportunity to overcome your situation and I don't want you to blow it.

In 6 months time I sincerely hope that you and your wife will be in a position to offer me advice. I'm new to all this and such a novice.

I'm useless at the moment.

It is very hard for you at this moment but know that what you do now and how you act during this crisis could help and inspire countless other people in a similar position.

I feel for you Bob.... I really do. Thankyou for replying to my post and keep being yourself.

You are being a beacon.

You're being a beacon to me even if your wife doesn't recognise it at the moment.

Take care.

STMS -

Can you see your doctor about getting on A/D's? ...if you haven't already. They will help so much with the depression and anxiety attacks.

Many, many people here are on them, and the Harley's recommend them for people dealing with infidelity.

Please hang in there, my heart goes out to you tonight.


Weaver

STMS, your post places my situation firmly in context.

I am too new and weak to offer advice, friend.

What I did was dug within myself to find out what I really felt about this, having stripped away the pain.

DO I love my WW enough to do almost anything to get her back ? YES

Is it a good thing for anyone if she persues this A ? NO

Does this reptile OM deserve the love he has stolen from my WW ? NO

So am I going to do all I can to fix this mess for everyone, my WW, my kids and myself ? YES< dammit !

I feel AWFUL, and although my situation seems more positive than yours right now, it feels pretty bad to me.

Dig deep STMS, deconstruct what you believe about this situation. And know that MOST WSs return to the Marriage. You need to make the marriage an attractive place for your WS to return when the fog lifts.

Post here often, and see your doc about A-d meds. Its is NOT failure to resort to meds for a while when this, the worst shock possible, is thrown at us.

God Bless you STMS.

Thankyou for the replies guys.

Well, this morning I am in shock. Postman just delivered a letter from my wifes solicitors. Not much substance but it confirms that my wife wishes to resolve matters by way of divorce proccedings on the grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour.

I don't deserve this. I have NEVER been unreasonable to my wife or anyone else for that matter.

Why is this happening to me?

When I talked to my solicitor at the beginning she almost predicted this is the way my wife would go. In this country if you want a quick divorce then you can site unreasonable behaviour and it can mean almost anything.

I will forward the letter to my solicitor and see if I am entitled to legal aid.

What do I do next?

I feel so shocked at the moment.

Please advice me. Is this normal for a WW to file so quickly? Are my chances of ever being with her again diminished?

Help.....