Hi all,

Well, my wife went to jail today. Had a warrant out for her for missing a court date. Its never boring around here! She called me from jail and told me pretty much everything I wanted to hear. She says she really loves me and has strong feelings for me. Two days ago she didnt know if she wanted to be with me. She said that she told me that because she has been scared to get close to me and hasnt known how to do it. She is intimidated by me and feels Im too good of a person for her. So she pushes me away. She said her head is clear now. She will do anything to make me happy. She was begging me. I tried to be strong but I kinda gave in. She knows Im not to happy with her and alot is going to change.

She agreed to quit her job. That is probably one of the biggest problems we have. And she is going to counseling every week by herself. Its hard to believe that she knows what she wants just after a couple of days. Maybe her sitting in jail will do her some good. She could be just scared right now and telling me whatever. Im just so tired of going thru all this Im about ready to give up. It was starting to set in that I was gonna be alone for awhile. Then she called. Should I stay away for awhile and see what happens?

Cynical tonight ... if you read my recent post you'll see that I'm in a bad place. Yes, they try to snow-job you ... tell you the things you want to hear. Believe what you want to. Know that they lie when it is convenient and tell you what you want to hear when it is convenient.

Just my 2 measley cents .............. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear Daddypop,
I think H for H had a real point! Probably not what you wanted to hear. It's about boundaries (yours) and how much you are willing to withdraw them !
What I have found in my own life, (my partner even admits it) that the "Taker" seldom surrenders anything once it has obtained what it wants. It's rather like "temporary taxes"......Right ! So the "Giver's" boundaries just keep shrinking until there is nothing left. In the best case scenario a negotiated outcome that is respected by both parties is the ideal, but if it isn't adhered too, we have to draw the line or settle for a further receded boundary........and the story goes on.......... What we negotiate is so individual. There is no one that can tell you what is best for you, no one is in your shoes, but at least try make your decision based on good odds, open eyes and self respect.

Are you talking about bailing her out of jail?? If that is the question.......I vote for your conscience!! Whatever you think is what you could feel about good about doing.....

Blessings,
Atruheart

I think your wife has lots of issues and you should be a husband to her, and get her to some counseling. And yes, she must quit her job.

If you read about sex addicts, it is usually not about sex at all. It comes from having a horrible childhood.

Your wife needs you. Be the leader in your family, and get her some professional help.

Thanks for the posts. I cant bail her out, she has to stay until monday. I think it will do her some good. Its really hard to believe everything she is saying since she was totally opposite a couple of days ago. And now she knows that she has always had strong feelings for me and wants to make me happy.

I talked to the guy she has been screwing around with. He said that she was cool with him at the beginning of the night, then when some of his female friends came in she got mad. My wife said that he had some girls come in and just left his job dj'ing to go screw around with some other girl outside. Her and all the other girls got mad cuz he was treating them all like crap. I really dont know what to believe. She said she was angry cuz she couldnt believe she messed things up again between us and didnt know why she would chose a guy like that over me.

Still, seems to me like she realized that he doesnt want her and now she has to come and kiss my a$$, Tell me everything I want to hear. Im sick of all the lies and wish she could be a good person. She says I make her want to be a good person and she wants to make me happy. Dont know if it would do her better to make her do it on her own. Not give in again and show her she can get away with this for the 6th time or whatever. Never any consequences.

Okay, your wife will be out tomorrow, and that is where the rubber meets the road. She will need to quit her job. Talk to her about that.

Yep, she says she is done. Never going back. Even tho its gonna be really bad financially, it has to happen. I just always feel like the safety net. Always second best. Its not a good feeling.

I have no idea what your financial situation like, but she needs to quit. Maybe you can file for bankruptcy. What you have been doing is not working.

I really dont know what to do. I think I can be without her and be ok. I dont want to go thru this again, ever. It hurts more with her than without. She has cheated on me so many times its sickening. Is there any way in hell that she is going to change?? Will counseling even do anything? She always talks a good game, but eventually she does it again. Over 2 days she went from not knowing if she wanted me to wanting to make me happy and do anything for me. She has some serious mental issues and Im starting to think she wont ever change. This has gone on for 7 years. Is there any way we can have a real marriage??? I sometimes feel that the only way is to just end it, start off new with someone else. There is so much lies and betrayal. I really dont have any trust at all.

Somebody tell me that this can ever work cuz Im about to let her figure herself out and eventually find someone that she doesnt want to do this to. We can both actually have a healthy relationship with someone else, no bull$!t.

daddypop, that's going to be up to you.

If she doesn't quit, get to work making preparations for plan B. A couple of nights ago you seemed quite sure you wanted to do it.

She's in jail and needs you to be her island. Be the island, but vote her off if she won't quit her job. The dancing, the serial cheating, the (maybe?) abuse years ago, the lack of a good father figure, it's all part of the same equation.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were therapists around that specialized in women like your WW. I used to listen to Howard Stern, and when he had porno stars and strippers on his show, he'd ask them about their childhood now and then. They always had rotten fathers and stepfathers who sexually abused them. Always.

I don't know about the term "sex addiction". I don't know anything about it, but that term sets off my B.S. detector. It makes it sound like a person is simply hooked on the physical sensations sexual activity provides. And philanderers are so much more screwed up than that.

GC

daddypop, what was the warrant for?

She got pulled over without her license awhile back. The DA told her that if she got her license back, they would drop the charges. She got her license back and thought everything was ok. They sent her a letter telling her she had to go back to court, and she forgot about it. So they put a warrant out for her. Nobody at the jail even really knows why she is there.

Gray,

Im just so worn out. I dont want to do this to myself. After so many times this has happened, its like Im asking for it. I just want my wife to give a damn about herself. Then maybe she can care about somebody else. Even if she changes, there is still so much crap. Will I ever really feel better about it? I dont know. I would like to think that I could, but if it happens again, its really gonna make me bitter.

I really love her and my kids more than anything. If I let her go that might show her I love her more. She can get help by herself and it will show her that she cant just walk on peoople. If she doesnt care about doing this to me at times, then she really isnt my friend. She probably doesnt have any real friends cuz she treats everybody like this eventually, in different ways. I think that is one of the reasons I keep trying. I want her to know that somebody does love her.

Dear Daddypop,
Your situation seems so full of pain and confusion. Is there a way for you to get some counselling for yourself? As sad and frustrating as it feels at times we can never make another change if they are unwilling or unable. I'm sure you know this. If your W understands how unhealthy her behaviour is and what it is doing to you and your children, do you think she would get professional help? The very first requirement for anything at all to change on either side (after awareness) is willingness. Without that you have only to look at what you personally can do to help you and your children. No matter how great our love, sometimes it isn't going to be enough to help someone over some types of hurdles. For example, no matter how much you love someone, they will die, if they don't have an inflammed appendix removed. You can take them to the hospital, be there for support,engage the best doctor, but........if they say no thanks ??!!.......That's the end of the line. THEN you have to preserve you and all else that is important to you (i.e. the chidren). This must be very, very hard on them too! I can only imagine. How old are they ? What do you think may be "going down" for them ? GC's thought on Plan B may be the only loving thing to do. Sometimes we believe loving means destroying our lives with the person we love. (Remember Romeo and Juliet?) You have children who need you, they don't have the choices open to you. Ask for Guidance,(try to be patient) and you will surely get it. Not always from where you expect it, but it will come !!!