Good Morning.

Well, it's Saturday morning, the day he was originally supposed to leave and he's downstairs excersizing. I'm about to go to Starbucks and we have a bunch of stuff planned for the next two days.

He is still leaving on Monday.

I'm still going to PLAN B once he leaves. He knows this and is trying to negotiate his way out of it. Because we've talked so much about what is going and and will happen if he leaves, he's aware that if he goes he needs to have somewhere else to stay when he comes back.

We've had quite a few heart to hearts and he has fully admitted to not letting himself really try while here. Yesterday I found out that OW had met him in Arizona while he was debriefing and they stayed at her hotel until the day before he came home on Aug. 8th. Supposedly, he hadn't seen her since mid July. It's only a few weeks difference but when I got really pi**ed about it we had a bit up a blow up. I told him that it felt like he had superbly set up our reunion and attempt to reconcile to fail. Since she left Cuba at the end of June they have not gone more than 3 weeks without seeing each other and talk and email everyday. If he had given a quarter of the effort to our relationship that he is giving to that one while deployed, we may not be at this point. I told him it seemed he was protecting himself from me.

He agreed. At many times during the conversations yesterday he seemed to step out of the fog and really look at how he has set things up. He admits that he has felt a lot more than he expected to. At one point, a few weeks ago, he told me that all he needed was something he grasp onto and he would run with it. I reminded him of that comment and told him that he's had those things, he wouldn't be feeling more than expected if it wasn't the case. The problem is that he keeps throwing those things back at me expecting something bigger and better each time. He's so busy protecting his OW and that relationship that he refuses to open his eyes fully to what he has. Keep squinting and it will always remain blurry and distorted. Really open your eyes and see what you have. You know in your heart what's there or you wouldn't be so resistant.

That's part of the conversation anyway. We took the kids bowling last night and had a good time.

This morning, he came to me and said he really wants to talk later. He said I really do have to go to SA on Monday. I have to be able to pay the bills and these jobs are ones I can move with. I won't stay in SA if we are able to work things out. And right now, I actually want to give it a shot. I've just been waiting to see what happens. But you were right, I have been undermining it. I've got some things running through my head and I want to talk to you about it later. I think we can figure out a way for me to go to the interviews and maybe still find a way to work things out. I don't know if you'll go for it. You may tell me to screw off. But, at least listen. Get a babysitter and we'll talk about it tonight. I really think we may be able to do this.

Well, I'm gonna listen. I'm pretty firm on the PLAN B though. He knows it's not punishment. I'm not worried about that. He realizes he's pushed me right to the edge of where I can be and is actually accepting of that. I'm interested to see how he thinks he can stay here for the next few days, continue our SF's, leave on Monday and think he's still coming back. Should be interesting.

I'm revising that PLAN B letter and will be updating it here soon...like within the next 24 hours!! I do plan on giving it to him when he leaves on the shuttle to the airport. He already knows where I stand if he leaves so it won't be a huge surprise as to my wishes when he returns. We've joked around that I MAY give him 12 hours after the plane leaves to realize his horrible misttake, frantically arrange a return flight and get a ride home to be standing on the porch.

Attagirl, faith! He's sittin' on the fence with his cake, and no doubt he believes you will follow through.

GC

Is there a compelling reason not to expose OW to her superiors right this minute?

Why not toss that grenade now. Blow the fantasy out of the water. POW!

Don't say anything about "money" being the reason to delay ..... coz your marriage is at risk way more than your H's ability to make a good living in the future.

Pep

I'm planning on contacting the CO while he's down there...... hand in the cookie jar!!

He is trying to get his cake and eat it too. He's trying to figure out how to keep both. You are doing the right thing. He needs to know you are at the end. How nice-he goes off to a nice hotel while you are taking care of everything (mine did the same thing-weekend at a beautiful resort).

Make sure you tell him you are not his mother. Sometimes they start to think of the wife as mother ie he can always come back-that you'll love him no matter what. I am so proud of you. You're terrific and in the prime of your life. The OW child relationship doesn't stand a chance in he!!. If you are ready then be strong. It is time for him to be a man, not a selfish boy. HUGGGGS. I am cheering for you. I know this can work out. Good luck.

Remember-he needs to feel unsure about you being there-men need to chase. I agree with your plan. I think you are doing the right thing for you and the kids. More HUGGGS-Jersey Girl

One more thing-mine wanted to go break up with her XOW in person, that was the "purpose" of the last trip that I said you go it's over-remember-he can say good-bye over the phone just fine-he's married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VERY FOOLISH CHILD OW-I believe in karma and it is going to bite both of them.

Stick to your guns. Mine had to break up with his OW in a motel room. Yuck. It was just one more foggy reason to keep seeing her. That was a year ago, and they are still living together.

There is no rational reason for him to go to SA. I would make it my bottom line, that if he goes, that's it. Also be sure to have him take his stuff and make financial arrangements.

Well, his GRAND plan is this:

Go to SA, stay with OW and see if he still feels like he should work it out.

Acknowledges he hasn't really tried as much as he could/should but isn't sure he wants to try that much.

Wants to call while he's there and let me know how he feels about trying. If he wants to he will come back, only contact her about once a week per email just to see if she's okay and allow me full access to emails and phone logs. At that point he will be giving his "full" commitment to seeing if it can work for about 30 days.

Are you laughing as hard as I am while I write this???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whatever. Plan B is hitting and hitting hard Monday morning. I wonder how he plans to tell me what he wants when he CAN'T CONTACT ME????? He's so very proud of himself for coming up with this compromise. Lord help him, no one else can at this point. He's as foggy as a good northwest winter morning. I just can't get over how he thinks this is such a great idea. It's like looking at a kid who just fingerpainted all over the wall and doesn't get why he's in trouble when the picture is so pretty and he painted it just for you!

I just looked at him, took his face in my hands and told him he needs to do what he feels is right and he knows where I stand. I kissed him and softly said, "really think about what you're willing to live with as a result of your choices, honey. I love you and you know I'm here until you go to SA. We both have to live with the consequences of whatever happens Monday morning."

He actually looked at me and said, "Just think about it. I think once you do you'll see just how much I'm willing to give and that it's a good compromise for both of us."

The master plan here is to keep with the happy family stuff until Monday morning and hand him the letter on the way out in an envelope with pictures from his trip here. I'm fed ex'ing a copy to OW. She should get that about the same time her CO gets the copy of info about their A. So, all around, everyone gets a little something from me:) I'm planning a BIG 'OL SF Sunday night too. That should give him something to think about when he gets there.

WHAT A DORK! If nothing else, I'll get a laugh every time I think of how proud he looked over his plan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Any takers on him coming back and wanting those 30 days anyway? I feel he's hoping to have his little vacation down there and come back again and keep his little place here too. He knows RIGHT NOW that's what he's going to try and do. He's not even trying to stay on the fence. He thinks he's big enough to hop from side to side and not be impaled. hehehe....we'll see.

I couldn't help but laugh at his "PLAN". Good lord <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, how are you feeling about all this, FiM?

And, I have a few questions for you:

1. You mentioned a revised Plan B letter. Will we see it to review?

2. Since your H is planning on returning, he may not take all his stuff. Are you going to forward that stuff to him in SA once a reasonable amount of time has passed?

3. Do you have an action plan for what to tell the girls once he departs?

4. If/when he leaves, what is your support system aside from MB?

I have more, but will post them later.

Jo

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

oops

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I couldn't help but laugh at his "PLAN". Good lord <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, how are you feeling about all this, FiM?
This really didn't surprise me. It would have been nice to have him declare his undying love and devotion, but I didn't expect it to happen. I'd also like to win the lottery, but ain't quitting my job on the hope I do. I feel somewhat neutral. Mostly because I was expecting it I guess.

And, I have a few questions for you:

1. You mentioned a revised Plan B letter. Will we see it to review?
Absolutely. I'm going to work on it when WH takes the kids to the store.

2. Since your H is planning on returning, he may not take all his stuff. Are you going to forward that stuff to him in SA once a reasonable amount of time has passed?
He's coming back here for a while no matter what .... he'll just be staying somewhere else. I'll let him come over with my parents to get his stuff. Although, I may send a box down there just on principle while he's there.

3. Do you have an action plan for what to tell the girls once he departs?
They know he's going and not coming back home.

4. If/when he leaves, what is your support system aside from MB?
I am blessed with a huge support system of friends, family, co-workers and church. Support is not something I lack.

I have more, but will post them later.

He's not going to like it when you take his toys away!! You are doing great. I give him less than a week or whatever the original trip was for him to be begging to come back.

Start thinking about what you will require from him when he does come back (and he will)

1. No, none, zip contact with the OW ever.


You may actually not want him back if he goes though. He's going to have to earn his way back with you. Be firm-he requires tough love. What's the difference, now or months from now. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be. Let him go and follow your plan. IT is perfect. Many hugs. You have pulled me out of lurking mode. I am praying for you.

Faith I just read this whole thread like a diary. I am truly staggered. MB seems to be ingrained in you, instinctive. The responses which are so clumsy for me and contrived just drip from your magical fingers like dark honey.

When ( not IF) your situation is resolved as you want it to be , can I PLEASE urge you to train as a counsellor ? Or at least become a barefoot doctor on this site? I can only watch in awe as you work and I wonder how much further my own situation may have advanced had I your instinct and resilience.

I am envious, but also resolved to study more, think more, pray more and shut up and read more stuff liek your thread. I can't do as good as you, but you have shown me I can do a whole lot better.

PLEASE keep posting FIM.

PLEASE. You are a unique inspirational person on a MB full of inspirational people.
BP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> Well, his GRAND plan is this:

..... I'm planning a BIG 'OL SF Sunday night too. That should give him something to think about when he gets there......
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, a passionate woman in the throes of sexual ecstasy just might leave a 'sex mark' behind. Some back scratches, a hickey or a strategically placed bite mark or two.

I wonder how he would explain that to the OW.....

Just a thought.
Gimble

faith..

between now and monday..
don't discuss plan b too much more with him..

let the letter do your talking...

babble back when he pressures you infor about what YOU are going to do...

be non committing to anything....

be wary of his attempts to say you are forcing him to choose,..
forcing him into an ultimatum..

no pressure from you
no powerstruggling what your plan b will be..
little talk about what YOU will do monday if/when he leaves....

smile
nod
say
"hhmmmm I see"

batt your eyes...and smile some more...

but don't give him too much info...

he will do what he will do regardless of you..
and that's what you want..
then you will do what you have to do as well...

ARK

new jersey - Thank you for all your support. I certainly hope this works for the best!!

Bob Pure - What a compliment coming from you!! You are inspirational to many of us who follow your story daily!

Gimble - I love the way your mind works!! Between a little love mark and the soup I'll be making Sunday for dinner, compliments of Resilient, things should be lovely for the two of them:)

Ark - Good advice. I'm using it!!

WH has asked, oh, about nine or ten times since he proposed his little plan, what I think. Nervous little school boy, is he. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I wanna giggle like a little school girl watching him squirm. Not giving him a straight answer on it either. "I'm just not sure." "I really have to think things through." "Hmmmm." Lots of smiles and quick kisses before jaunting off to dust.

He's getting a bit antsy and I am just loving it. Maybe that's bad. But it feels good.

We've got a babysitter tonight and I'm taking him on a date. I text messaged him asking if I should wear my little sexy getup under my clothes. Damn. That boy responds quickly for a guy out shopping at Costco with three kids!

We're going to a nice little restaurant we went to on our 9th wedding anniversary and then to another personal history restaurant for an after dinner drink. I may just have to take advantage of him before we get home. Something he can think about after going to dinner with OW.

Funny thing happened...... we had a surprise visitor. It was our first babysitter. She stopped by to see the kids and say hi. This girl used to go with us EVERYWHERE! She babysat for us from the time she was 12 until 19. She also had a crush on WH that we'd all tease him about. She went camping with us, on family trips, everything. He used to get embarassed by the obvious crush she had on him.

Anyone see where this might be going?

She was telling us about her birthday party in July. I asked how old she was. She said 24! WH just looked at me with big eyes and looked away. (OW is 23 - last week. WH is 30)

I swear to you, I thought I'd pee my pants I was laughing so hard. No one but WH got it. He didn't seem to find it as funny.

Oh, those little gifts from God. Gotta thank him for that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>She was telling us about her birthday party in July. I asked how old she was. She said 24! WH just looked at me with big eyes and looked away. (OW is 23 - last week...

Oh, those little gifts from God. Gotta thank him for that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, maybe you didn't pee your pants, but I sure did. I love it when God plants those little zingers. What a great straight man God makes, eh? Leaves the punch line ringing in WH's head! LOL!

~ Snow

He's weird.

In addition to everything else posted today, he left for the store and before he left he made sure to ask me if I was going to be okay for the next two days as they may be our last together.

Now, he calls me because it took him longer than expected (I wasn't even watching the clock or noticing) and he wants to make sure I didn't think he was talking with OW because he had to make two stops to pick up a surprise for me.

He's an oddball. My interpretation.... he was talking to OW, stopped to pick up a present and is covering all of his bases.

After so many years here, I shouldn't be surprised at the bizzaro behavior of a WS, but alas .... THAT was too odd FiM.

He's totally conflicted. He doesn't know if he should whind his butt or scratch his watch.

LOL ...

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>Now, he calls me because it took him longer than expected, and he wants to make sure I didn't think he was talking with OW because he had to make two stops to pick up a surprise for me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely concur. Of course he talked w/OW. I thnk he's trying SO HARD to keep his status as resident fence-sitter........and it's becoming increasingly hard. He knows you are "done" with all this, and the ante is rising on his game.

His state of confusion should continue to become more and more bizarro in the next few days.

Who's got the popcorn? This is going to get g-o-o-d!!!

Keep up the good work, Faith. You've got him on the ropes........it won't be long now.

OW doesn't stand a chance against YOUR BRAINS (and God's plans)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />