Lesson learned for others - don't discuss Plan B with the WS before you do it. Don't reveal that a letter is coming.

So, send it to him e-mail and when he returns to "work on things" give it to him at the door and tell him you're not discussing anything until he meets the conditions you laid out.

WAT

Faith,

Forward or fed-ex the letter to him at his location in SAT.

I'm going to be saying a prayer for you, your WH and your family this morning.

I will pray that God will show a you and your WH a way back together to be a family. He has no business in SAT (not even for a job search) when his wife and children need him back home in WA.

You are very strong. I know how much this hurts. Don't hold back. Cry if you need to and it will release some of the tension and stress.

I think in the end, everything is going to be alright. I truly believe that your WH loves you very much.

Kati

Well, that is just plain manipulative...leaving the letter. "If I don't read it, then it doesn't exist..." Very childish, like putting his hands over his eyes to play peekaboo and assuming hte other person has disappeared...

Ugh, take some deep breaths, don't DO anything until after you get to work. Take some time, think this through, he's the best cake-eater I've read about in a while...

There is a way to deal with this that will be the best for YOU!! Perhaps when you talk to him again and tell him how much it hurts that he didn't respect you enough to take the letter that you had worked very hard at and poured youir heart into. You can give him a short synopsis on the phone when he calls and tell him,

"Sorry you didn't read the letter, I wrote how much I love you, how I'm hurt by this situation, how if you left for SA then you would live somewhere else when you came back, and I outlined what would need to happen to restore our family again. I can send it to you in an email, or fax, or fed ex, or you can read OW's copy. But just because you didn't read it, it doesn't change my feelings. This will be our last phone conversation, you can contact ... from now on."

Just a suggestion, you seem to be doing REALLY well on your own though.

Hmmmm,

A rather transparent attempt to maintain some form of control over the consequences of his actions. No points awarded I presume.

He clearly understood [and struggled with] the ramifications of getting on that plane...yet he decided to go anyway. He is now trying to bypass via an alternate route. I would remain in plan B..not even a phone conversation..I would send it certified. No cake allowed. Time to take the gloves off. Good luck--Noodle

How about leaving it up to the intermediary right now. Any further contact with WH you lead to your intermediary. Or ask your intermediary to send an email explaining he will be dealing with her now and ask if he wants her to send him a copy of the Plan B letter explaining all this.

Any more conversation with him will be a leak in the Plan B...kind of like a chink in youir chain mail...somewhere he knows he can get through...if he sees an opportunity for communication, he will use it.

Hi faithinme...I've been following your story off and on and so far I gather that your WS went on a trip with OW or something and he's supposed to come back with a decision that has no guarantees. Now I have been given insight before about Plan A and Plan B and lovebusting stuff, but I'm still a little fuzzy. Anyways my question is why would you let your WS go in the first place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This shouldn't be allowed. I mean you have to know that they are going to be close. I know one in Plan A shouldn't love bust but I don't think that means you can allow anything, or am I wrong? sheesh

X angel X-you need to read about plan a and plan b. You are not married and have been with a cheater since you were 20, 19? Please read here and you will learn a great deal. No one can control another human being. You have to set them free.

Just a note, if you really want to get rid of your man, you just stop contact. Remeber, this is marriage builders.

Faith you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

X angel X-you need to read about plan a and plan b. You are not married and have been with a cheater since you were 20, 19? Please read here and you will learn a great deal. No one can control another human being. You have to set them free.

Just a note, if you really want to get rid of your man, you just stop contact. Remember, this is marriage builders.

Faith you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

Hi new jersey, I know one cannot control another human being, but you can control your own actions. So therefore Faithinme has control over her decisions. I know I have been with a cheater but it's not like he would be like "ok I'm going to spend time with an OW, and come back" If he had said that I would of been "Oh hells no" I know we all do not think alike, but it just seems weird.

Wow...I had a meeting this morning and several times caught myself wondering what was going on there.

It occurred to me that looking from his point of view, he's in quite a fix. I think he truly realizes that it is you Faith that he loves but here is this child in SAT that he's told things to that a married man shouldn't. He knows she's young and the meeting of the former babysitter probably brought that home more than anything. Doesn't God work wonderful miracles-unexpected both in substance and timing!

I think he's going there to end the relationship. He can't just call her up or e-mail her an explanation. Afterall, her family knows and so do his fellow military friends that were there with them. He can't just not show up. He's coming out of the fog but still has the presence of mind to know to do something right.

I think that this could be my daughter as she's in college and near this child's age. I would strongly protest the relationship but what really could I do? I could make threats but if she were really determined, they would fall on deaf ears. They are too immature and naive at that age. He knows that and I truly think he's going there because of her age. How cruel it would be to end it without a full explanation. He does have responsibilities to face because of his actions and down the list of those responsibilities lies this child. If she were an adult with life experience and the knowledge of relationships and their impact, I could see him ending it with a phone call-but she's not. This will devastate her-from now on-and he knows that. He got caught up in the loneliness of military service and forgot about the wonderful wife and children he had at home. These last 7 days reminded him.

Could these be the facts:
he left the letter there might be that he already knows what it says
he said he'll be back to work things could mean that he's going there to end it as it should be ended
or
he's going to fence sit and cake eat

I tend to believe (and hope) the former is the case.

Faith, bless your heart. The day has come and things have changed greatly-one way or the other. Don't make the mistake I made and not understand the importance of counseling..either way. I look forward to see what's coming for you and know that I'm praying for all of you...yes, all.

fim

Batton down the hatches
drop the sails...
all hands on deck...

uh err...something like that eh WAT ?

When he gets the letter
and then when he "gets" the letter

be prepared for a barrage of attempted contact that will turn the blame around on you..

you made me
you forced me
you pushed me
you don't listen to me..

be ready
be prepared...
he's gonna rant and rave and escalate..

and your job is to not respond AT ALL
no matter the ridiculousness of his absconding responsibility for HIS actions...

ear plugs in

get ready...

ARK

I wouldn't try to second guess a WS's motives. You have no idea if he was in or out of the fog when he intentionally decided to leave the Plan B letter. Although, I do lean toward avoidance as a way for him to remain in denial of Plan B.

Question: Did you not send a copy to OW/child as well?

You sound consistently strong and resolved to follow thru with Plan B. We're here when you need us.

I know there is some degree of hurt in you, understandably. But you ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! And so well too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,
Jo

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Faith...look at xangelx's post and it clearly demonstrates what I mean. They just don't have the life experience or understanding. Everything seems simple and revolves around them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> Thanks!!

AACCKK! I am going to be SO late this morning!

Just called and said to look on the patio table.

I go out and he's left the letter, unopened, outside on the table with a note.

"I think I know what this is going to say. I love you more than I thought and have faith that I will be coming back to work things out. I'll call you later this week."

I'm taking deep, cleansing breathes and digging up his email addresses. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">change the locks on you house ... ya never know when a rash of home invasion roberies might take place ....

fed x the letter.... make sure he has to sign for it ....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pep

I too believe that he may have gone to really see about the job and to break up. The problem with that is that you don't know how the fog will affect him-so I like peps plan too. I really don't like that he went, but the ball is in his court. Be strong faith-he'll be back.

Quoting JPH

Faith...look at xangelx's post and it clearly demonstrates what I mean. They just don't have the life experience or understanding. Everything seems simple and revolves around them.

Wrong...your stereotyping. Not all 22 year olds are alike...I for one would never sleep with a married man thank you very much. Going back to my original post. It was just my opinion that she should of not put up with the whole allowing him to go see OW...I think there won't be closure..it's like throwing more lighter fluid on the fire..How is WS being with OW going to help him get off the fence. She should of gone straight to plan B once he said he was going. I know I'm young, so what we can all learn from each other regardless of age. I know I've never been married, but in my heart we were and lived like married people...I don't need a piece of paper for that, obviously judging by the problems on this board..it means nothing to most(talking about cheaters)...

I too believe that he may have gone to really see about the job and to break up. The problem with that is that you don't know how the fog will affect him-so I like peps plan too. I really don't like that he went, but the ball is in his court. Be strong faith-he'll be back.

Hey there XangelX,

Saw your picture on the photo thread, what a cute baby.

From what I understand Faith has moved to Plan B, that was the letter she gave WH, but that he left behind...unopened, grrr. Now what? Hard to go to Plan B without a letter, although I think she gave him plenty of warning before.

This situation is tough, nothing like infidelity to let you know you have NO CONTROL over the situation... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

xangelx,
I think that FIM going to plan B upon his departure was a fine plan. She shows she isn't allowing it.

Up until he left she didn't know he really would.

That little piece of paper is sealing the vows, like a covenant, which confirms the commitment. As humans, we are all capable of failing to live up to our promises.

I commend you for being firm about not being with a married man. It shows you have some respect for that piece of paper.

I have a daughter about your age and have tried to teach her the wisdom of doing things in there proper order: date, marriage, (sex)....then children. Kids do best with both a father and a mother.

I agree that we can all learn from each other, no matter our ages.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

angelx....

what other option does she have...

she can't force him not to go...
she can't force him not to anything..

all any of us can do..
is plead our cases
speak our peace
make our wishe and hearts known...
and let the other person do what they will do...

only other option would be chaining him to a wall in the basement...though tempting.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
won't work...

I realize it's a hard concept to understand...
but all choices and path are his alone to choose..
the consequances are what they are...

and closure is a joke..
closure is pop-psyche babble term..
for continued contact ad-nauseum
it stands for beating the perverbial horse...

real closure is it's over...
no contact
the end...
now that's closure...

stillheremakinit...

your signature line..schmile schmile schmile..did just that...
now I'm walking around the house and in a funny twangy voice saying...

schmile schmile schmile...

angelx..life would be grand if ultimatums work...but they don't...

ark