Faith,

The post you made this afternoon is highly confusing. You seem t/b talking yourself in and out of plan B.

IMHO, this is dangerous. If you want him to think there is a BS waiting for a cakeeating WS to come back, you keep up sending the mixed signals. He will see it.

If you want your H to come back and NC the OW, then you'd better come up with a plan and stick to it.

The fact that you are not returning his calls is good but the fact that you are waffling in our sight is not healthy for you. PlanFait is not a good plan. It has too many holes. Many a BS have done what you are saying. It takes a while but a 1/2 plan B is worse than no plan B. It creates false recoveries that are difficult to recover from. Why? Because the BS tries to move forward but is now blaming themselves and is angry at the Ws. What kind of message does that send the WS?

L.

For you, Pep: ((((( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )))))

Faithinme - I understood your confliction yesterday with your fear that he may not understand you have "left a light on" since he didn't read your letter. Your fear is that he may think you have slammed the door.

Relax.

You think he's thinking that rationally??? A Dork?? HAR, HAR, HAR!!!!

OK, seriously now, ditto Orchid. Plan B can be scary and self doubt is normal. You're normal.

That said, you're currently really in a pseudo Plan B. (Tap, tap, tap - fingers on desk.) This is not unlike Tough Love which has no "formality". So I really suggest you sit tight and dark and bide your time. You can't go backwards into Plan A - this would torpedo your credibility with him.

It's also normal for BSs to get in a hurry. But time is on your side. If you did NOTHING more, time will very likely take its course in its, er, own sweet time.

I won't jump on the FedEx bandwagon. Too much drama and no need for urgency. That pesky "time" thingy again.

WAT

Hi Faith. I hope this is a good day for you and Dork, though I think he is probably in so much gut-wrenching turmoil that it won't be the case for him.

My 2 cents: Even if you send the letter now, he'll send a text message that reads, "got your letter via FedEx. I am not opening it. I will read it with you when I get home."

Don't send the letter. Don't answer his calls. Stop reading his text messages and listening to his voice mails. I know this would be really hard to do, but heck, you are in Plan B whether he accepts it or not. Might as well do your part, even if he is resisting it.

He's in SAT, trying to win this job to care for his "family." That's as far as I can imagine. I can't say whether he is seeing OW as an albatross to get rid of, or hating himself for hurting her, or any of those things. Point is, neither can you.

That is the point of Plan B. To let him know you can't take the uncertainty because it kills your love for him. Look at what it is doing to you now.

Go dark Faith, for yourself. Forward his messages to your intermediary. If needed, she can email him that you are trying to hang on to your love for him but can't have contact with him at this time for precisely that reason. She can let you know when he plans to be home and you can leave the letter then, taped to the door. If she thinks he has met your requests outlined in the letter he never read, she will let you know.

I have a feeling that a "late delivery" of the Plan B letter could be ideal. Don't sweat it. But do go into Plan B for yourself, just as you planned.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

I agree with Snowbelle. I'd wait on sending the letter too, like Orchid said, too much drama.

Sooooo, what is happening, he is getting a REAL good dose of OW in all her childish friskiness and comparing her to you...and although fun and spunky, pales in comparison to your wisdom and mothering and absolute BEAUTY!!!!

It was a Plan B, and recontact with the OW that opened my FWH eyes to the fact that he was in love with a fantasy, and she just wasn't what he thought she was... This trip could be the clinscher the A needed to set this A in reality. Without another meeting the 2 could live on forever always wondering "what if..." Right now she is having to deal with a very forlorn, withdrawing, sad WH. She'll be patient and kind, to a point, depends on how mature a 22 year old she is. It won't take her long before she'll get fed up with that and think "what about me?"

So, stay dark...it seems to be helping the Dork cut through the fog and realize what he's missing. He's is also trying his darndest to get this to work out the way he wants...he wants to be able to visit his GF and have YOU waiting for him back home. He's scrambling because he's not sure you WILL be waiting for him and he's trying all his manipulative, romantic tricks. Don't get sucked in right now, he's gone, he made his choice with actions, he can't undo getting on that plane...

Confronting the OW and WH? Not a good idea now, but I wouldn't put it out of your head, if anything it's great to fantasize about it. If the situation ever warrants it (WH starts calling every 5 minutes on Wednesday until you can't take it any longer) then go for it, but I wouldn't orchestrate the situation. If she comes to visit...by all means!!

You are doing great!! And what a terrible predicament for your H to be in...he's got steak in WA and broccoli in SAT...which will he pick?

FiM,

Did you change the locks yet? When he sees the Plan B letter taped to the door, make sure he can't get in!

Keep taking care of the kids and yourself.

Ronald.

Good Morning. I'm thinking that I may have not been clear in my post yesterday considering some of the responses.

First, thank you to everyone for the support. The last 12 hours were more difficult than I expected as I sat back wanting him to try to make contact so I could not answer him and then after he did try, I couldn't stop wondering if going down there has changed his mind and imagining what he was doing. I'm much better this morning though.

I'm not going to send the letter yet. He is aware of what going on this trip would do and although the formality of having the letter would be ideal, it didn't work out that way. Our middle-lady can give it to him when he comes back. In the mean time, I am not allowing contact. When he text messaged me last night, it sent me to into somewhat of a spiral so I'm blocking his number. It's just not good for me to read it or to sit around waiting for it to come.

The locks haven't been changed because he doesn't have a key. I know this because I accidentally locked him out the day before he left and he ended up across the street at a friends house again until I came home. He won't be getting in here.

I received a call from a friend of his who WH was going to contact for a place to stay when he comes home. His friend had called to get WH cell number and told me he had told WH that he can't stay with him. Hmm. I wonder where he's going when he comes back? It's not my problem right now but it kind of made me laugh.

I'm off to work. The kids start school tomorrow so it should be a busy day to keep my mind occupied. I pray it is anyway.

I can only offer my own experience. It was not until I went dark that my H understood that not committing to NC was a decision to end our marriage.

You've done a good Plan A. Now do a good Plan B. I do not believe going to SAT will do anything for your H other than to confuse him. Contact confuses. The fog rolls back in. I remember with clarity my H's ernest explanation of how he couldn't go NC because he needed to help OW through the difficult time of ending their relationship.

Recovery, if you get there, is no piece of cake. You are a bright, committed woman. But even if you get what you want, your H back home, you will have many emotions to deal with (betrayal, loss of self esteem, anger) that right now are taking back seat to the primary goal of saving your marriage. And trust me, unless you are a saint or your H turns into one those feelings will come and will have to dealt with before you and H are "recovered". Plan B keeps you out of the chaos. Plan B reduces the post-crisis thoughts of "how could I have let myself be treated like this?" that can taint even the most sincere efforts at recovery. Plan B makes sure your H understrands he must chose and must take responsibility for living that choice. Plan B makes sure that if your H chooses OW there is still plenty of you left to live life.

The roller coaster goes up, down and sideways. I pray for you.

Hey there faith,

What are you doing to keep yourself sane? Go to movies? Get out of the house? I felt worse when I sat around the phone. Go out (even grocery shopping) and 'forget' your phone.

I think this is turning out VERY well. Although it is a natural turn of events that when he left you should move to Plan B...it didn't turn out that way (at least according to him).

Just wait for those magic words..."what do I need to do to make this right?" Then he'll be open to reading the PBL.

I think he left the letter because he knew going was wrong, but didn't want the guilt, didn't want to face the consequences...

To be clear...Faith is IN Plan B, her WH has just REFUSED to read the letter. She is not in this limbo by any choice of hers...

You've gotten great advice, again, whatever you choose to do we are here for you. Many Hugs! Jersey Girl

It is always darkest before the light.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> To be clear...Faith is IN Plan B, her WH has just REFUSED to read the letter. She is not in this limbo by any choice of hers... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do agree with this. For my part, I am going to be living in PLAN B.

He may not have the letter, but he knows what is needed to move forward. It's not a secret. And although he is about as foggy as they come and will be much more so as a result of this visit, I personally believe that he does understand that. Should there be any misunderstanding of it, he'll get the letter when he comes home. He can't pursue the NC and commitment to the marriage requirements of the plan while in SA anyway. As long as he is there, the dark is where I sit. Once he returns, I remain there until he reads the letter and lets our middle person know he is taking action.

The 'dark' is where you sit BUT the dark is truly the light. The light to a better place for you given the circumstances.
I know the painful days will open to very, very wonderful ones, no matter what Mr FIM does!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Inandout:
I remember with clarity my H's ernest explanation of how he couldn't go NC because he needed to help OW through the difficult time of ending their relationship.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really *CLASSIC* fog babble!

How did you keep from giggling?

Pep

OH PEP! I just squirted dr. pepper out of my nose! Thank you for the giggle!

Sorry to threadjack, FiM...you are an inspiration to many, you know.

((((((FiM)))))))

- Kimmy

Do you think he though those were divorce papers in the envelope? If he did, I truely don't think he wants a divorce because then he would have been looking for an excuse to divorce. He is right on schedule trying to have his cake and eat it too. OW must be LBing from here to high heaven-he he...seriously, the child is out of her league and has no idea how horrible a situation it is. Hope her parents are giving her hell. Jersey Girl-more prayers and hugs. Remember-it really is all about the kids-stay strong.

Okay. I have realized that I do a WAY better PLAN A than PLAN B.

This morning the kids called him while I got ready for work. Fine, great and dandy. They want to talk with him each morning and each night. After he talks to them, the kids come in and say they are off the phone and daddy sends a hug and kiss to me. They also tell me they have told him they want him to come home and not miss their first day of school, they don't want us to get a divorce and that they miss him so much. It broke my heart.

Then, I start thinking about how he hasn't text messaged me as much as I thought he would. I wasn't going to read them, but I wanted him to be sending them anyway. Just for my own little thrill of knowing he was thinking of me while with her.

Then, I was starting a load of laundry and checking the pockets - lost too many loads to an errant lipstick - and I came across a receipt for a leather coat purchased the night before he left. Hmmmmmmm. I went to their web site and punched in the SKU number to get a look at what he bought. It was a leather jacket that really could have gone for either a man or a woman.

Right about now, I'm shaking inside and getting really antsy. Total anxiety issues rearing their heads. For some reason my mind starts going through the "I wonder what he's doing" crap that is SO pleasant to think about <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My mind then goes to him telling me not to worry too much about him spending time with her because she has to work every day and has to put in extra hours anyway. I become convinced in my head that he's lying and spending the day with her (at this point, I'm completely UNREASONABLE and not telling myself it doesn't matter since HE'S THERE ANYWAY!!!!!) So, me, and my brillant mind come up with a plan to call her work to see if she's there.

TA-DA! First dumb move of the day.

She is. Whew. I feel a bit better for a nano-second until I start to come down off of my neurotic high and realize I'm playing right into OW hands.

Off to work I go. I decide to put this incident behind me and take a nice little tranq. to go with my AD today. Should work, right. Uh-uh.

When I get to work, a number I don't recognize comes up but I answer it anyway. Guess who.

WH.

Do I hang up? Do I say I can't talk to him? No. He's so darn happy and surprised I answered that I listen to him.

I welcome the 2 x 4's across the forehead. I'll just stand here and wait a moment.

Okay. So, he tells me he misses me and that he is leaning towards breaking things off with her for at least a month to really try here. He tells me he couldn't feel comfortable with her and couldn't touch her last night.

Now, if I believed him and was happy, I would be stupid. But you know what, I DIDN'T believe him and was STILL happy that he was at least telling me that. That's just demented.

I told him that I couldn't sit here and listen to that while he's still there because he is breaking my heart by telling me one thing and living another. He told me he understood that but couldn't help but try to call even though he know I wouldn't take the calls.

And to know that I could have him right where I want him right now - worrying if I'll ever speak to him again!!!!!!! That hurts. Self-inflicted damage is somehow even worse right now.

And it didn't stop there. I went on to say that the girls and I cried ourselves to sleep. I went to bed missing him and woke up missing him. The girls keep telling me they think he may be surprising them and showing up for the first day of school. I told him that and that I have to be the one to say it's not going to happen and take that fantasy away while pushing away my own fantasy that I'll wake up to him standing above me while I'm sleeping saying he just had to come home. I said, I can't do this and have to keep to the no contact. Don't call me again. But he does. He says that OW traced the phone call I made earlier and he knows it's my cell. DAMN. So, I admit it. I told him I knew I couldn't call him, but I needed to know if he was with her. So, I circumvented my rules thinking no one would ever know it was me that called and asked if she was in. I hung up when they went to transfer it. Problem is... she works in an MI unit. They trace those. Point for OW. AND I GAVE IT TO HER.

Okay. We're restarting PLAN B. Right? Hmmmmm.

Ten minutes later I'm walking out of work for lunch and get a call on my cell. I answer it. It's him. Did I hang up? No. I said, "You're breaking the rules! No calling." He says "I just wanted to tell you that I've seen all these little purses similar to your LV, but none just like it. It made me think of you." Did I hang up then? No. I said "Thank you". Then got off the phone saying, "No more breaking the rules!" But I was smiling when I said it and I'm sure he could here it.

NOW, I'm starting over.

Except the kids called him again this afternoon and the older one ends up running to her room crying and the younger one comes out to tell me, with tears in her eyes, that I need to call daddy. I can't get through to my middleman. So, I call.

I've admitted I'm not good at this plan. But I never thought I'd find something I'm quite so BAD at.

I ask him what the hell is going on. DD apparently said she doesn't want us to get a divorce, he says it's between adults, she says I don't want to talk to you anymore and runs upstairs to slam her door. (She's almost 10 - in the past 2 months this is not so out of character actually when she's mad). Younger D gets mad that big sis is crying and hangs up on WH. Ugh.

During the conversation, I start crying because my heart is breaking for them. He gets mad because he's feeling guilty for them. He sounds (and did from the beginning) more distant and I think OW is standing near him anyway. I tell him, THIS is why I can't talk to you while this is going on. You're with another woman, you chose to walk away and I'm here picking up the pieces of the hearts you left on the floor. This was said softly, but I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING WITH HIM ANYWAY. So, he says when he comes home he'll see the kids the day he comes back. No mention of me. There goes my neurotic mind again. "What about me?", I ask. He says, I haven't made up my mind yet. DAMN DAMN DOUBLE DAMN. I've let him take control of this again. He's got to be feeling pretty smug now. I'm emotional over my kids and feeling vunerable over him. This is NOT a plan b success story. To get to it, I'd have to DO IT PROPERLY!

So, now once again I say I've got to stop this. It's been 24 hours since you arrived there and I have to move forward. You know what needs to be done if you want to come home. I can't play this game anymore. You need to break up with her, sign a NC agreement with me and send it to her, pull the divorce papers and try to make this work. That's what the letter you left said. He says, Thank you for telling me that. I need to talk to you about it then.

I told him I have done a HORRIBLE job of protecting myself today and of keeping to my own word. I don't like how that makes me feel about me or about us. I have to ask you to talk with x. I will not go through another day like this. You knew what was going to happen when you left and I have allowed this to break down today. I won't make that mistake again. I love you and want to be with you. But it is your choice right now to do that or not. I know what I want and I want you to also. X will call me when you're ready and I will gladly be here. Until then, I have to be strong and true to me. Goodbye.

I blew today, big time.

I'm going forward from now though hopefully smarter and more prepared to do this.

I wasn't going to share this because I don't like to admit when I'm wrong, let alone when I've muddled something so badly. But, that's one of the problems I had in our marriage. It's also something that I hope someone can learn from.

I know sitting here that I would be so proud of myself had I kept to the plan. I would also know that he would be sitting with OW wondering what he is losing. I'm a whole day behind on that now and there is no telling how far reaching the lapses of today may be. How much respect have I lost by not following through on my own word?

All I can do is move forward. I hope that one day, someone may read this as they venture into plan b and learn something. If so, good.

Fortunately for me, I have a feeling my WH is close to breaking and I can recover this. But, boy, I wish I could start today over. Actually, I wish I could start over with yesterday and slip that letter somewhere so he'd get it on the plane and THEN have a good PLAN B day today.

Not going to look back. Hopefully I can recover from today and start fresh on the blocks tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

Pray for me and our family. May we all make it through this with ME at the helm of the plan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sweetie -

Don't be so hard on yourself. You did a spectacular Plan A. And you hardly had any time to do it.

You need to go dark in Plan B, and will find it is very pleasant and peaceful. But lots of us fall off the Plan B wagon. Zizzy and I both had SF during Plan B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So let me pick you up and dust you off, and set you back on the Plan B wagon.

Believer - Thanks so much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm a little more emotional today than I've been in a month! A little? Did I say that? A LOT more! You're encouragement brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks for the dusting and lift back up.

Yup Faith.
You're a human bein'!

You did what most would have done given the situation of today.

You will now see how plan B will be your ticket to less suffering. It CAN be enjoyable (I say this though I haven't had to implement it myself, I admit....I am in plan A still)

I do go dark in my own way (which isn't good in plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

STRENGTH to you. CLEAR HEADEDNESS to you too!

faithinme -

Look at all the posts that I have done - over 5,000. I was miserable at first, but happy now. WH is still living with OW.

After I got on a fairly good Plan B, things got much better for me. WH doubled up his efforts to contact me. But he never could get the no contact part.

So stay dark. It gets easier the longer you do it. You really don't have to do anything right now. Just let him continue wallowing in the mud.

Also reassure your children that you have a plan, and they don't have to worry about things.

I am quite sure that your husband will be back. Make him get all of his needs met from OW. Don't help her out by talking to either of them.

Hi Faith --

I haven't posted to you before, because you've been doing spectacularly and many more wise veterans have been helping along the way.

But I couldn't let this one go! I echo Believer. Please don't beat yourself up! It's the first day -- a terrible, anxiety-ridden day. Nothing you did today will make or break your marriage. So, you didn't stick perfectly to Plan B -- but I think you rallied quite nicely. You didn't scream, curse at him, or threaten him. You regained your balance and restated your position in what sounds like a reasonable, loving way.

Do something nice for yourself and your girls. Comfort them and you'll be comforted too. You and your girls will make it through this hideous roller coaster ride and be stronger for it.

Try to distract yourself -- easier said than done, I know, so that you don't do that obsessive-thinking thing. I'm like that too. I like being right and strong, so I understand, but cut yourself some slack. In the year I've been here, no one has done perfect plans, although your Plan A ranks up there with the best of them.

You're going to be fine! Hugs.
Shellybird