FIM,

Don't pursue him with too much of yourself. He is going to pine for the OW and be in withdrawal.

IMHO what he needs to see is that his pining for the OW is not as much fun as his family. So you don't need to entice him but let him see what he is missing. Big difference. Have fun with you and the children. Go out be friendly, be the new and improved you but don't beg for his attention or affection. I think this is where some BS fail. They go into recovery and are still doing the bulk of the recovery work.

This means when their ws is in withdrawal (note: still WS), the BS plan A's themself into a doormat. It tends to create guilt on the WS and makes them want the OP even more.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks for the advice, Orchid. That makes a lot of sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We're going to Disneyland today with the kids....driving.....from Washington State. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'll update when I get back.

Right now, things are going okay and I'm hoping for more.

In the meantime, best wishes to everyone over the weekend.

Take care of yourselves and your family:)

Wow.

Hope you have a wonderful, very l o n g drive and spend lots of quality love building time together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>hI have chosen, right now, to still not tell her CO until my H is out of the military. I have to look at the very real possibility that he would lose his clearance if he is pulled into this. I would LOVE to see them both squirm under the scrutiny of their CO's. Trust me on this. But I am concerned about his ability to continue to provide for us. I worry that if everything is brought out before his exit date from the military (which is coming up) that he may see dire consequences.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FiM,

I am mainly a lurker, but had to comment on this. Myself and my DH are both ex military both with top level clearences. Affairs are a dime a dozen, the military makes it easy. By not going to his commanding officer and confessing his affiar he is more likely to lose his clearance. Even if it was found out about 10 years from now in the civilain world. It means he has something to hide, to be ashamed of. Something he could be blackmailed over. Or if you send a letter, as long as he confesses when confronted he will be okay. It would only be a problem if he lied about it that he would have to worry.

While they hiding thier affiar from the military, or civilian job requiring a clearance, they are both a security risk. That is highly frowned upon.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Just_li'l_o_me ]</small>

lil 'ol me - That information makes sense. Thank you.

I'm going to post an update tomorrow, but I wanted to write this before I forget it since it's 1 am and we just got in.

About an hour ago he told me, "I know I could be happy with her. But I'm not sure I can be happy without you."

So, I'm hoping that about wraps up the progress this trip has accomplished.

Goodnight, or rather good morning everyone. I missed coming here everyday!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I'll have to amp it up tonight as originally planned.

After I left for work I picked him up a coffee and pastry, dropped it off to him and left my "Ten Reasons I Love You Today" list on his computer.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you are trying too hard to impress him! Remember he is still fogged out and he wont respond to much if you force it! Also, men dont respond much to the little notes, love letters, etc..like woman do! I read that in one of my infidelity books, cant remember which one now!

I think you should just be yourself and continue with your Plan A. He is oging to have to withdraw and it sucks! I am afraid that you might push him too far if you try too hard. Just let it be natural! JMHO!

Don't you just hate the way the WS will blurt out what is on their mind as though we should be SO proud of them for being honest? I guess he's giving you an update about his feelings, good to know, but how do you take it? Actions speak louder than words. Was he able to get his hot little hands off the phone?

And about your Plan A? I think you are doing a STELLAR job, you have been getting nothing but praise. I think you have excellent intuitive skills and have been right on with your praise and attention...not too much, not too little.

Finally! We are back from our trip to Disneyland. We had a great time while we were there and we had a lot of time from here to there and back in the car for talking.

The kids absolutely loved going to Disneyland..of course:) Our older DD had been twice before, but our younger DD had never been so it was exciting to see her reactions to everything. There were a lot of looks between WH and me. You know, the ones where you just look at each other, smile and have that connection over the joy of your kids? WH loved Disneyland as a child and quite a few of his best memories revolve around him being there with his parents. His being there now with his own kids and with me really helped to show him what he was going to be walking away from.

He was affectionate and talked quite a bit about a future together. But then, the DORK would backtrack to what happens if we get a divorce. I could practically see the smoke coming out of his head he was trying so hard to keep the divorce as a reality in that brain of his.

On the way home yesterday I realized that today is Sept. 15th. When he first returned in Aug. his plan was to be gone back to SA by today. I thought that was interesting. And hopeful.

Next Tuesday is the day he can go to court to get the date for our final divorce decree. That would, in theory, happen on Oct. 6th. He still plans on going to get the court date. That one really bothers me. But then again, I can really see the difficulty he is having right now with the idea of actually leaving. Time is getting shorter for him to make up his mind since that divorce date is creeping up. I just hope he is coming around as much as he seems to be....most of the time.

We have ended up with a problem concerning work here too. His previous employer, pre-deployment, has refused to take him back. He was planning on going back there for a while until he figures out where he's going to take a job (if it's in SA or not)and what is happening with us. So, now he feels pressured to take the sure thing down in SA or go back to Cuba as a civilian contractor to pay the bills. This is NOT helping. In the long run, things will be okay since the Department of Labor and the military are going after the employeer for refusing to take him back. It's the short term that has him (and me) worried. Just one more thing to add to the mix <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

All in all though, I am feeling hopeful about the outcome. As long as WH stays in the house with the kids and me it is going to be pretty hard for him to walk away. He seems to be finally realizing what he has here in comparison to what he would have with OW.

I'm glad you all had a good trip to Disneyland.

It is too bad the job thing is in the mix. There must be another alternative to find to focus on. What if the job in SA didn't exist......what the heck would he do? There is ALWAYS an alternative.

(Hoping your wifely love is more and more powerful each day in his eyes and the 'other' is less and less)

Contact?

WAT - So far I have no proof of contact. Do I think there has been?

Yes.

She's been in the field since Friday and won't be back until this Friday. So, at least for that time I know there's no contact. Outside of that, I can't guarantee a darn thing.

This weekend though we are supposed to go on a Marriage Encounter and he doesn't get to bring his phone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good job Faith. You are doing great. Don't worry-he is reading from the WS handbook.

Good Afternoon! I've got to warn you, if you're reading this, I'm feeling wordy....a surprise, I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I made an appointment with SH today for tomorrow. We weren't able to keep the one I made for last week, so I'm pretty excited to finally be doing it.

I have been thinking a lot about my M this last week. Our trip to Disneyland was great and I am feeling closer to WH. I truly don't see myself getting a divorce, although that could still happen.

But, I have found myself having to talk myself into staying here more and more. At one point on our drive back, we were sitting in a Burger King with the kids. They had gone off to play and it was just WH, baby and I sitting at the table. He was watching the kids and I just sat there looking at him. REALLY looking. You know how sometimes you look at a person and you really SEE them? I don't know how to explain it, but I just saw my husband. The father of my children. It wasn't like I see him all the time. It was deeper.

And then, it occured to me that another woman looks at him just like that too. She looks and sees HER man. And he has allowed that. In fact, he looks at her the same. HIS woman. Not in a possessive way, but in a this person is a part of me way. I am not that person for him right now.

That hurt. Deeply. The pain was absolutely physical.

And it made me question my desire to go through this. All along, I have felt that it is worth the pain and trials that will come to really revitalize our marriage. I figure the next year or two will be hurtful and hard no matter which way we go. So I would rather have a great marriage to show for all that pain instead of a divorce decree. It has seemed worth it.

But, oddly, as things start to look more positive in terms of his deciding to stay, I am questioning my resolve more than ever.

The very idea of walking the path towards true reconciliation is more and more daunting. I don't want to feel that pain I felt at Burger King over and over while we work back into love. I know that no matter what happens, be it divorce or moving forward, there will be pain.

But looking at him and knowing he has given his love, his dreams and his innermost thoughts to another woman...while married to me...while I was home taking care of his family and supporting his goals, just rips something out of me.

To know that even though he came home to his family in July he could still file for divorce...

To know that he has left my side TWICE in the last few months to see her...

To know that while he has been at home these last six weeks, he is still considering leaving to go back to her...

leaves me wondering if I have the "intestinal fortitude" (one of his favorite sayings) to go the distance.

I think now that I am feeling more secure in his staying here that I am not so much in that fight-or-flight response. My instinct to fight at all costs is wavering before the pain I don't want to feel. I've felt pain throughout this. Much of that has been due to uncertainty and the inability to "do" something since he was gone for so much time after I found out. Now, I am able to eat again and I am sleeping better than I have in months. The physical reactions to the stress have, for the most part, leveled out. So I don't have the adrenaline of the fight running through my veins every moment of the day. When I don't have that, I'm just plain tired. And being tired, I want to walk away from that pain and that work. It makes me question...everything I've worked so hard to accomplish.

Now, me being who I am and knowing how my own mind works, these feeling are no doubt just a dip in the road. I know myself well enough to know I'll get my grit back here soon enough. What scares me though is that these feelings are beginning to come more often than the good ones that tell me to fight. What happens if they just replace the good ones? That scares the heck out of me.

I honestly believe we are close to getting to a place where we can look at recovery. He comes a little closer to being the wonderful man I love each day. I will be very, very surprised if he follows through on getting a divorce. I'm leary of getting too optimistic, but I can look and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I just have to be sure to keep walking towards it. I know I love that man. I know we can both make a better marriage than we have had. I absolutely believe we can be happier than we imagined possible.

In the end, I know the work and the pain can be worth it. But having to fight my way back to knowing that each day is wearing on me.

See! I've done it here in this post even. Ugh.

Well, I guess what writing this has done for me is to reaffirm the idea that I'm just gonna keep coming back to the hope and faith I have in this M and in my husband. The questions and doubts are normal. That's what I would tell anybody else and what I should keep telling myself.

In any case, having our session with SH tomorrow is a great step. WH is all for it and thinks it will be good for us. So... once again, I'm back to knowing my marriage and that guy inside the affair alien are worth the fight.

Faith - Your feelings are perfectly normal for someone that has gone through all of this. Please check out this link.
read here

You are not a bottomless pit of energy and drive ... you do feel empty sometimes. You do have limits.

This might come up in your counseling session.... he may ask "How is your energy level?" ... be honest if you get asked that question.

If your H breaks the NC promise .... and you are out of steam yourself, that might be an indicator that Plan B time has arrived... when you feel your love bank draining ... flooding out really, then it is time to condense your world and exclude all the Plan A energy requirements....

let's be honest... Plan A is exhausting. You are emotionally holding the bulk of the marriage on your shoulders...

Just wait and see how much fuel comes out of the counseling... you might feel energized.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do have limits. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AH-HA!! That's where I was going wrong... I have a tendancy to forget that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think you are still very early on in this process. If he chooses, at this time, not to D and stay with you, then you will still have a long road on the path to recovery. You may want to check out the recovery road and read some of the ongoing struggles as well as the successes.

There are different stages in recovery just as there have been in this stage. There will be times when you will feel like you were at the Burger King.

There will be times of angry outbursts, remorse, forgiveness. Of course, with MB you may be able to avoid some of the angry outburst, DJ's and LB's in general.

The process of recovery can take a couple of years, and that is if NC isn't broken. This isn't an over night fix but a commitment to let the process work.

It is great that your H is willing to councel with Steve Harley. I will look forward to read how it goes.

OK, do not forget what I am about to say.

The next time you look at your H and have doubts about having "intestinal fortitude", glance at your children - if only one of them.

Imagine all of them gone part time.

Now, imagine one of them being gone - permanently.

Working on a marriage now seems trivial, huh?

Whatever happens, as you said, will be painful and lots of work.

That feeling of not being sure its worth it to put in the work is, I believe, a positive thing to feel sometimes. It makes you realize that you will be fine either way (you could just as soon have it the way you dreaded and you'd be relatively okay). That takes the intense stress out of the situation to help you think more clearly at every juncture about what YOU choose to do given this situation.

It puts the choice back at you as much as him. You choose whether you want the relationship just as he does. You both are at even keel.

I think that is good.