I'm still very new to actually posting. I joined earlier today and have been "lurking" for 2 weeks. So much help here. I hope I can find clarity with this one. Briefly, my WW opened up a little and said she still doesn't know what to do. I now know she is "fogged". I've followed Plan A and hid my hurt. I read a couple of weeks ago from a FWW who responded how she felt during and after her A. I told my WW tonight that (during semi-emotional discussion) I realize the pain she's in and I told her of my pain (w/o LBing). I told her I've been reading about other W who have been through this. She asked what the outcome was. I didn't know what to say other than "they are recovering and appear to have the same sort of butterfly relationship they had early in their marriage". I was hoping to be optimistic and let her know that I will be here for her.

I guess my question is should I offer her Dr. Harley's SAA for a better understanding of how affairs start, the affect on everyone involved? My "fear" is she'll read about Plan A/Plan B and think the last couple of weeks have been a charade.

You are doing well. I would not try to instruct or teach her right now. You have done fine to have sympathy for her pain. This will take some time, don't rush it.

I added my first posting hoping it would help if someone can shed some light. My only two escapes from this enormous hole in my chest is my DD and reading/learning from MB.

This is my first posting. I have been reading every post that appears. I apologize for "lurking" for so long but there is so much help on this website. I now find myself doubting my efforts and this roller coaster ride is tearing me down, little by little. I'm actually nervous about posting as I'm not sure how to ask for help. The postings I have read continue to bring me hope and I'm in tears hoping to find some more guidance.

I should briefly tell my story (it helps the pain subside when I write and I'll try and use the MB acroynyms). My wife and I have been together for 19 years. We have a DD (7). I thought (until reading His Needs/Her Needs) that our marriage was fine. I returned after being gone for three months (nothing special about this one, we have been through many separations without any problems) and I almost immediately knew something was different about this return. The "reunions" have always been a little tricky, but we have become experts after so many years "planned" separations. My world was shattered on July 18, 2004 when she told me that she had went out with OM when I was away. I wasn't angry, upset or hurt by that because it was prefaced with "he's just a friend". (Something I have learned from many wise MBr's to be common). She told me should would like to see him again (as friends) followed by "I'm not sure I want to be married right now". Again, the devastation is only known to those who have experienced it. That week we had three very painful conversations which didn't result in much. I wanted her to have NC (well before I found the MB website). She could not agree. The next week (and all of that week) I became a member of the infidelity diet club. Depression set in and still continues today. OM is 24 yrs old and I have not even considered speaking to him (don't know him, don't want to).


My question for the wise and experienced is this: Do I add the 180 with the Plan A? I want so desperatley to see if she is ready for NC and to start re-building our marriage. Everything that I read (SAA) doesn't describe how to approach this. I started Plan A and have not waivered from the concept and my emotions are tearing me apart. Please help.

Thank you Believer. I have read almost all of your postings and you appear to have the knowledge and strength of entire countries.

sailor - We posted at the same time. Did I read that right - OM is 24?

Believer...You read it right. OM is 24 yr old who works with WW (not every day; travels throughout to different places). OM is single and lives with his family.

Okay, so you know this can't last. Everything is in your favor, the ball is in your court. Stay with Plan A.

Thank you Believer. Deep down I know this can't/won't work and to have someone else think the same thoughts really helps. I will continue to Plan A and allow "time" to help. If you'll endulge me, I have one more question (for you or anyone who can help).

Should I expose the affair to the workplace?

I do not "fear" the anger, but I "fear" the possibility of Plan B being accelerated. I so desperately want this to be done with only Plan A and I have set a deadline.

Yep. Expose the affair to everyone - the workplace, his parents (if you can). A little light shed on the affair often ends it.

Hi LS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are doing well. I would not try to instruct or teach her right now. You have done fine to have sympathy for her pain. This will take some time, don't rush it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second Believer's advice!

I tried to rush things with my W and it only set us back... Right now, she's not going to be very receptive to anything that you say to her... The best thing that you can do for her right now, is to love her.

This is going to be hard. It's hard to truly love someone when they are hurting us... but if you are a Christian, it's what our Lord calls us to do, especially for our wives...

Take care of yourself... get some exercise... spend time with your daughter... You can make it through this! Take one day at a time and don't try to push the rebuilding process. It's going to take some time for your W to de-fog... once she does, I think you'll see that your efforts at Plan-A will start to take hold...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

lostsailor,

Do not feel bad for lurking for a few weeks.
Heck, only 2 weeks....I "Lurked" for a whole year before registering and then posting.
Amazing that I was able to cobble my own recovery from other persons questions and responses. (That is in addition to the books and articles....thats where most of my own information and instruction came from)

In any case, I agree with believer here as well.
YOU yourself are still very new to the principles.
In fact you've really just begun your journey.

IMO Now is NOT the time to be trying to "teach" or inform your WW of anything.
That will come later. (But Only AFTER the actual A has ended). Anything you try on that front now, will be a waste of your time and energy. Sadly, it will most likely fall on deaf ears and then get twisted into something negative by her (just as you feared).

YOUR focus now is to end the A.
You keep reading and learning. Keep asking questions and posting to vent as needed.

Lastly, exposer IS needed in almost (say 99%) of cases to get the A to wither and die (or at the least to speed up its demise).
Exposer is crucial to end the fantasy and have some "reality" force its way into this otherwise idillic (to THEM) world.
Don't be afraid of going to plan B as needed. In cases of continued contact, it many times has the effect of a cold bucket of water.

Excellent that you have a time frame already in mind. Having a sound plan is crucial to getting through this. Good man.

However, even if you choose not to expose while in plan A (although you should)....you MUST expose once you do go to plan B.

I waited to expose and its the biggest regret I have (that I controlled) in this whole mess.
I in effect became a coconspirator to the last thing I wanted to be a party to.
Really consider exposing them. Its really one of the only wedges you have to drive between them. Make it more trouble for this guy then its worth.

Also, Good move in reading SAA. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
There are others..."Torn Asunder" by David Carder is another one worth the read, especially where you are in this process.
Wishing you success

sailor, in addition to the great advice you got above, I would suggest doing some super sleuthing to see what is going on here. For example, put spyware on your computer or a voice activated recorder on your phone or in her car. You will need to do this to find out what is happening and for future checking to see if the affair has ended.

Also, if they see each other at work, she will have to leave her job eventually in order for your marriage to have any hope of recovery. But just file that away for future use and work on ending the affair via exposure and Plan A.

I agree with the others about trying to educate her. It will only work against you right now if knows that your strategic plan to end her affair.

First and foremost, I am thankful for the responses received from all of you (Believer, RIF90, Top Rope, ML). All names that I have become familiar with over the last few days and postings that I read and re-read. They really have helped me today.

Today was "almost" a good day. WW does allow me to meet some of her EN's. We've been talking more now (primarily about our DD and little things). Today I read a great letter from Ark about implementing a "good" Plan A. I found it at 2:30 this morning and implemented as soon as I woke up. Things were going well and I could sense everything Ark described. We had a previously planned "hail/farewell" (military going away party) and all was well until OM called during the event. I knew it was OM when I returned from the bathroom and she was talking and smiling. As soon as she realized I was there, the conversation quickly became more toned down and "professional". I did what I learned from so many - I bit my tongue and acted as if nothing was ripping me apart inside. WW does know that I know and I could tell it was bothering her too. Or at least it appeared that way because WW had a "concerned demeanor" on and off for about an hour.

I did take Believer's advice and decided against WW reading/seeing MB website. Almost. One thing I did was find a letter posted by BetrayedinJersey which was originally written by Trueheart. I was so impressed with her knowledge of how the WW feels and what she is going through that I printed it and left it in the printer so WW could read it. It sat there all day until I was outside working on DD playhouse. I didn't acknowledge that she was sitting on the couch reading it, but when WW was done, the 1000yd stare was there. I could see concern in WW's eyes. I wanted her to know that other's have been where we are and the letter was so well written that I wanted to use it to plant a seed. A seed that A's are basically all the same and what the WS and OP are doing to everyone around them is known. I hope the seed is planted deep and based on WW's reaction, I believe it is. Thank you Trueheart and BetrayedinJersey. I am being extremely careful to not let the "Plan(s)" be known.

I've decided to expose the A. I was going to wait one more week to see if Plan A had a quick reaction. I now know that this is something that cannot be rushed and that it takes time. I've decided to expose the A to the workplace tomorrow in an attempt to "assist with the A to wither and die".

I have another request. I believe I know how to expose it. I plan on visiting all the various places WW works (places which directly involve her and OM) and tell them face-to-face.

Any advice from anyone who has exposed the A to the workplace? I've found alot of postings regarding the OMH/W but nothing when OM is single.

Hi Sailor,

Is the OM in the military as well? If so, I'd go straight to his chain of command. Then sit back and watch what happens... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Adultery is a UCMJ offense and his C of C will have to do something about it...

If he's not in the military, then I'd ask to speak with his supervisor in private. I don't think it would be approriate to go through his & her workplace telling everybody... You want to expose the A, but at the same time, you don't want to needlessly 'hurt' your W by doing so.

Hopefully his supervisor will take the appropriate actions without making it known throughout the workplace. Again, you want to end the A, not punish your W.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90....Unfortunately, OM is not in the military. I know the efforts of the C.O.C. (20+ years of experience helping others - sadly or funny, now I'm the one who needs help).

My exposure plan was to tell the three different supervisors that work closely with both WW and OM. WW is more or less "front office" and OM is more or less "lower level employee". I'm kidding myself by saying "I don't fear the anger, but I fear the early Plan B possibility". I fear both but I know now from the responses to expose the affair. I'm just a bit confused about how to do it. I'm amazed through this depressing time (lost 21.5 lbs in 3 weeks - heck of a diet) that I haven't shouted the A all over the place.

My emotions are following the stated roller coaster and I could use some help understanding how others had exposed the A. I took the advice so far of some of the postings. I have all the phone numbers in my pocket right now. My hands are shaking and today is not a good day so far. Anyone have some advice for a lost sailor. Reading Pure Bob's posting today shows there are so many BS's going through the same. I feel the pain of so many and my pain has almost taken over my being.

I never "exposed" my W's first A... I could have, but I was so embarrased about it that I just hid everything as best I could.

I struggled with the fear of "now everyone will think I'm a failure as a H because my W had an A..." I confided in my CofC, and my CO, the BN Cdr, and the Chaplain... they all told me to "dump" my W... After that bit of advice, I decided to just bury everything and act like it never happend.

I really don't have any advice on how to go about telling... but looking back on my situation, it would have helped to know that others were going through what I was going through at the time... Back then, I thought that I was the only one in the world that was dealing with infidelity.

I'm sure that some others here can help you out... Just wanted to let you know that I'm pryaing for you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

lostsailor - submarine service? Just a guess.

Please see the thread I just bumped up for you, "Affair Exposure 101."

I believe workplace exposure should be the exposure of last resort - unless both affairees are military.

Have you exposed to her family? This should be a higher priority than workplace exposure, I think. But there are many variables to consider.

What kind of workplace, i.e., business is this? There can be big differences in the reactions. Do you know if this business has a policy that addresses work place affairs? Is one of them the supervisor of the other? This can make a HUGE difference in the way a business reacts because it may be considered sexual harassment, even if it's consensual.

Regarding 180 and Plan A - they're essentially the same thing, in my opinion. If you're doing a good Plan A, you're doing a 180 in the process.

RIF90/WAT....Exposing to her family is pretty much a non-starter. She only has one sister who lives out of state. I've exposed the A to one family friend but I'm not sure if that matters. Understanding the work place as the last resort, I really don't have other family/friends that are able to make an impact. All out of state or deceased.

The company is a drug store chain. WW is a "former office supervisor" who now visits various stores to assist. The OM works in one of those stores. He does not directly work for WW but considering her position and pull within this region of the company, she is viewed as one that works for the Regional Manager. My plan was to contact OM family (I have the number from her cell), OM Manager, and another Manager that WW supports in the same area. I overhead a conversation that may imply a transfer to the other Manager's store for OM (more interaction with WW). The workplace all seems to be intertwined.

I have been implementing IMHO appears to be a good Plan A. My heart sinks and I have to "disappear" for moments to ensure I don't create any LB'rs. Is there a time to expose or is sooner better?

My roller coaster continues to go up when I read/learn from those who have endured.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsailor:
<strong> One thing I did was find a letter posted by BetrayedinJersey which was originally written by Trueheart. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sailor, do you have a link to that letter? I'd love to read it.

Nemo16....I apologize for the delay. I will post a link momentarily. The letter really helped my understanding of the WW's "fog".

WAT....Thank you so much for the link. I have gathered even more information needed for the strength to expose.