Although the romantic feelings I once had for the OM are diminishing, I still feel the need to talk to him.<P>Before the OM and I had the affair we were great friends...I really miss talking to him.<BR>Well, I thought I'd give him a call...so I did and our conversation led to talking about "us".<P>Now I'm wishing I never called him. He asked if we could be friends and I told him it hurts too much...it's not like we can just forget what happened between us. <P>So, even if I have no intentions on ever leaving my husband for the OM...how do I get over the fact that I can never talk to him again?<P>Things have been going really great with my husband and I...why would I jeapordize that by calling the OM and by wanting to be friends with him? <P>I could never imagine being with the OM instead of my husband. I'm really starting to think that my husband is the right one for me and not the OM.<P>So why do I still have this tremendous need to talk to him? How do I stop? What do you think it is I'm looking for?

Holly - <P>New_beginning posted a few days ago to someone who is in the throes of withdrawal that it is NOT POSSIBLE to maintain contact with the OP let alone remain "friends". You must END all contact with him NOW!<P>Your H is just starting to recover from the pain you caused him. If he finds out your desire, let alone the fact that you acted on it, he will be permanently scarred...as will your recovery.<P>For the sake of your marriage and your H's emotional health, please do not contact OM again.

Holly/Pam,<P>Oh honey, why do you do this to yourself?<P>Posting this is gonna get you a load of flack, you know that. You also know that we were friends with our OM before we became lovers, because they met our emotional needs. Plus, let's face it, it's flattering to think that someone other than our H's think we are funny and neato and all that crap. <P>That said, I sometimes feel the same way as you do. Since my sexual experience with the OM was culminated in one hotel visit, the attraction isn't purely physical. It was emotional, most of all. That's what I miss too. I miss it because my H and I are struggling, because my H is NOT meeting my emotional needs yet, because I have pushed myself into a little corner with no friends to talk to and the only one who knows my pain is.... you guessed it... the OM. That's why I come to this board. There are others here who know my pain, my heartache, my embarrassment. <P>You know this, but it bears repeating... do NOT call the OM again. It will only cause you pain and heartache and make you long for the things that he gave you that your H could not. Believe me, I understand. I HONESTLY understand. My OM tried talking to me last week about "us" and I about freaked. I yelled at him - at work - to STOP, said he'd DONE THE RIGHT THING trying to work it out with his SO. I cried all the way home because I wondered if I really believe what I'd said. Know what? I DO. You and I are doing the right thing in trying to put our marriages back together. TRY TO REMEMBER THAT. Nothing else matters. Nothing.<P>As an aside, even if you and your H don't work out, do you really think you and the OM could be happy? I've given that some thought too. I don't think so. OM are not usually "nice" men, they are men who use married women. We have responsibility too, not saying we don't, but they knew our vulnerabilities, they preyed on them, and ignored the needs of their W/SO. They would cheat on us just as easily. I wouldn't want my OM anyway. Keep that in mind. YOu have to for your sanity!<P>Hugs, Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited September 17, 1999).]

Whoa, Holly. I cannot believe you posted this today.<P>Been feeling the same way. I want to talk to OM ... for right or wrong, he was my best friend for a time, and I trusted him with everything (yeah, MY mistake). I so enjoyed talking with him, and he seemed to want to hear what I had to say, like it was the most important thing he was going to hear that day.<P>Gave me the impression he cared about me. Of course we KNOW that's not true now ...<P>No I won't call him though. He's over me and on to other conquests. <P>And this ticks me off so badly. I want to understand WHY, AFTER A YEAR, I still am drawn to him. What was it about him that was so ..... attractive .... to me? I know he lied to me, I know he's already had other women (while still married) .... and yet ... I still feel like this.<P>And yes, Holly, we're going to take a beating for this post. But just know that I'm feeling that too. I'm here if you wanna talk.<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited September 17, 1999).]

Holly,<P>(me getting up on the soapbox)<P>Your H must be one understanding kinda guy. Take a look at him and try and imagine how he would feel if he knew you were talking to the OM. It would hurt..alot.<P>Now ask yourself; is it worth it?<P>When you talk to the OM it may all seem innocent at first, but like you said in your post you eventually get around to talking about "the relationship." And that's what got you in trouble in the first place. Wouldn't it be better just to leave it alone? Admit it, don't you get a "little charge" talking to him? It's like a little escape from the pangs of recovery/withdrawal that you're going through. Talking to him give you a biochemical serotonum boost. It feels good. <P>Just like quitting cigarettes, your only one puff away from going back to being a full-blown smoker. It's about feeling good. <P>It this same thing that is keeping my W and I from fully reconciling. No contact means: NO CONTACT. (Now I'll get down from my soapbox.)<BR>

New beginning...I was afraid for getting flack for this thread, but I wanted answers...so I thought what the hell!<P>I guess new beginning is right about the reasons I want to call the OM...because of my emotional needs.<P>We did have a great friendship...like Maya said he always hung on every word I said, which at the time I took as me enjoying his company but now that I think about it I probably just enjoyed the way he treated me.<P>What makes me think I can be friends with him, when it hurts too much to hear about him and his wife. We can never go back to the friendship we once had.<P>Something he did say that sort of brought me down was that he went to go visit some family members last week and they were all trying to convince him that it would be best if he divorced. Apparently his sister, who was always fighting on my behalf, told the rest of the family about me. How could the whole family want him to be with me, but not him?

Holly,<P>As you know, I feel very much the same way you do about my OW. We were very good friends before I had any kind of romantic feelings for her. I so wish that I could still be friends with her. We talked about all sorts of stuff. I always want to talk to her.<P>But there are many reasons why this can't be. First and foremost, even if I could get over my feelings for her - my wife would definitely object! Which means, the friendship would have to be secret. What kind of friendship would that be? Secondly, what if the feelings started coming back? Then we'd be in the same mess all over again! Ack! So then if we wanted to "just be friends" then we'd have to keep each other at arms length and the friendship would end up being shallow and distant... what's the point? And even if I got a divorce, she's gonna be married anyway (she's engaged right now), and I'd be stealing a married woman away from her husband...<P>So basically, it's never gonna happen! *sigh*... And it's the same for you.<P>--andy

I think it's just my pride that's getting in the way of my recovery at this point. I hate the fact that he decided to stay with his wife...it hurts to be rejected...it hurts that he's moving on easier than I am!<P>So, airheart...how's your new job?

Holly:<P>I know exactly how your feeling. My OM was there to meet my emotional needs as well, i wanted so desperately to get back in touch with him even though him nor his g/f wanted anything to do with me. They felt i needed professional help. No what i needed was to feel loved by my H and for him to meet my emotional needs, plus of course some spiritual healing and personal healing, that's exactly what i've been doing too. Everything was blamed on me, even though it was partly his fault too. So many times i almost called him or emailed him, but couldn't, cause knew it would hurt too much to do so. The only time, which was a joint effort, that we emailed him was for our final email to them, expressing ourselves and being done with it.<BR>I have talked with friends about the way i was feeling, cause didn't want to bog hubby down with the emotions of withdrawl, even though i'm sure he knew they were still there. So what i finally had to do after several friends telling me to do this, but last night one friend had me do this to completely let go, was to type him an email. I addresed it to him, typed out all my feelings and thoughts, good and bad, put it up in prayer than let it go. Deleted the file didn't send it after typing it and signing it, cause it was for my well being to get it out of my system. This one friend in particular who had me do this, knew that although things were alot better with H and i, that it was still eating me up inside. So he said to just let it free from within me, so i could be completely happy with myself. After doing this it felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders and still feels good today... : ) So each time i start to drift back to those thoughts, i'm gonna give it back up to God and think of the more positive things in my life. This is something i'd encourage you to do too, cause you will feel so much better, just write or type as long as things keep flowing to get it all out of your system. Things will turn out cheery in the end .. : )<P>------------------<BR>Alliy

In the "good old days" when we were still virgin innocents learning about friendship and love, once a "promise" of friendship or love was given, it was "eternal." Hence, our best friends from High or Middle schools are still good friends today, years later. When old friends get together after a long separation, or call each other up after years of silence, it is often like no time has passed at all. We are capable of loving and caring for more than one person in our lives, the nature of the caring is what makes the difference. It is natural to want to keep elements of the "friendships" a person has developed throughout the years. It is natural to want to get as many "Positive strokes" from as many sources as possible. The threat does not lie in our feelings for other people, but in what actions we take because of our feelings! <BR> If my H were to continue contacting the OW for any reason, even if years have passed since the last contact, I would feel very threatened. What I would/could do with those feelings, the actions taken because of the real or implied threat, would be instumental in the whatever path results from the contacts made. (Does that make any sense?) I know that my H will ALWAYS love the OW. Your SO will ALWAYS love the OP, too. There is no getting around that! You will always love your kids. You will always love your pet dog that died when you were 12. What you or your spouse does, because of these feelings that will ALWAYS exist, the actions taken, will determine the directions your paths for today and those for tomorrow, will take. If, you have agreed to take actions using the POJA as a guide line, then it would suggest that any contact with the OP would only be made with the spouses agreement and participation. If you still want to be friends, which may or may not be possible after total withdrawal and recovery is achieved, trust rebuilt, yada, yada, then the friend ship could be viable ONLY with the enthusiastic agreement of both partners in the marriage. Some affairs happen with family members,for goodness sake. (sisters, in-laws, etc.) and contact is inevitible.<BR>I wonder what Jesus would advise in a case like this. We are admonished to make all decisons based on love, not fear or anger. We are told to love our neighbors as ourselves. Having loved, do we withdraw all actions used to express that love when our loving actions hurt others that we love? Hate the sin, love the sinner? Can we separate our sexuality from expressions of love with persons who should just "be friends" in order to keep the friendship?<P>Just some thoughts, probably not well thought out, but I always seem to be in a hurry! :0 Maybe some of you guys can clarify my thinking for us!

Alliy--<BR>Funny you should say to write down my thoughts to him...I've been doing that all morning! The difference is that I want to send them to him. I think you right that I should just write them to heal myself because if I send them to him I will always be waiting for a response.<P>Another thing I should do is get rid of all the things he ever gave me or that remind me of him. <P>Thanks for the advice...

YES!! Get rid of EVERYTHING! It was difficult, but I did it. Of course, it helped when my H came across some things, including two pictures, and burned them. <P>If we really want our marriages to work, we have to have NO REMINDERS of the "love" with the OP.<P>I talked to my H about it,and he said I could keep one thing, which I did for about two weeks. Then I decided that it wasn't worth it and tossed it away. Now I have NOTHING that the OM gave me. <P>

Nothing but the pain ...........

Pam,<P>Well, my new job didn't get off to an auspicious start, as I was telling Sheryl (new_beginning) in a different thread. I still don't have a PC yet. I'm right now working at one of the other guy's desks (he's out of town right now). Also, the first day I got here (Wednesday), the office I was supposed to use was still being used as a storage room. So I didn't even have an office for the first morning until they cleared all the stuff out.<P>To make matters worse, I caught a cold the day before I started, and my wife and I got in a fight the night before, so I had hardly any sleep...<P>Well, at least I'm good friends with the guys I'm working with since they all used to work at my old company. So I feel pretty much at home here. Nevertheless, I've been feeling pretty blue the last few days. <sigh><P>--andy

Holly-<BR>I always appreciate your honesty and willingness to consider other's opinions. You are READY to grow and get beyond this...I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.<P>One comment about his family. While it is flattering that sis and family prefer you, any contact w/them or consideration of their opinion should be avoided. Consider this, if they always thought he should be w/someone else, why did he choose her? Also, their opinion of her may have some influence on the problems in their marriage. You have enough to deal w/in your marriage, please try to steer clear of his baggage.<P>Good Luck!<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited September 17, 1999).]

Holly:<P>That is how i felt too wanting to send it until last night when i wrote it, i knew it was better to just write it out for the healing process. I got rid of the one file i had from him that included some poems and such the other day. When he sent a rude email lately, the one i sent him way back when we were together, that was when i got rid of him in my email addy listing cause i knew that he had done so too. So i figured why should i keep it there as a reminder everytime i was looking for someone's addy? Especially after this rude email he sent i knew what i had to do, so i did it. Its gonna be hard at first to get rid of some of these things, but once you do later on you'll feel so much better about doing so. H even took the link off of my website when he did some updating on it. The only thing i have to do in regards to that is not go to his website, cause i know it off the top of my memory. I'll just visit other people's websites who i know are friends.<P>Take care .. lots of luck to you, just keep thinking positive and all will be just fine.. : )<P>------------------<BR>Alliy

Hey Holly....a suggestion from someone with the other shoe on, but might help you too. How about setting up another email address - yahoo or hot mail or something, and mailing your email there? Only for yourself to access of course....that way, you can send your thoughts somewhere but not do any harm. And you can delete them when you are in a stronger frame of mind. I always feel there is a lot of satisfaction to be had by typing something, and then pressing the send button ...but once it's gone, you can't get it back. This sometimes happens to me when I get hurt or frustrated by my H, but I usually regret it. Thought I might set up one for myself to send all those angry thoughts about the OW + my H to.....I would feel some satisfaction getting it off my chest, but no-one would get hurt. Just an idea. (actually, my H suggested it....hmmmm...guess I've been sending him some angry mail lately...) <P><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited September 17, 1999).]

sosad--<BR>Funny you should say that...I just did the same thing last night! I'm going to keep reading the letter over and over until I get it out of my system!<BR>Thanks.

Holly,<P>How are you feeling about this today??<P>I'm in a different place than I expected, and am feeling totally confused and guilty.<P>Today brings a renewed hatred of myself as the other woman. I've caused so much pain. I had a bit of an epiphany last night. I realized that I've had 9 months of unhappiness. Nine months ago I realized that I hated my life. Six months ago, I made a choice to ruin my marriage. Three months ago I tried to find my marriage and forget about my emotional needs - because my H isn't there to provide them for me, and hasn't been for years. Last night I tried to rememeber why I did all these stupid, idiotic, insane things. Dam*ed, if I know. <P>I'm in a bad place lately, and it scares me.<BR>And, as you know, this is what brought me to the arms of the OM in the first place. God, I hate the mystique of the OM. They know how to get to us. I hate it.<P>I guess it's just something we have to get through somehow... and it isn't easy. Not by a longshot.<P>Take care...

new_beginning--<P>Sorry you're feeling so down today.<P>I don't feel the OM can get to me anymore...he's selfish and non-caring towards me, so why should I give a sh*t about him! He has only stopped me from moving on by not giving my a definate answer. If he really wants his wife and not me he should tell me that it will never happen between us...instead he is all wishy washy, saying call me and if I ever get divorced it might be too late for us. I can make a list of all the "nice" things he has said to me. How can he say he is working it out with his wife when he asks me, "how are your boobs?" What a di*k. He needs to get some b*lls and tell me like a man that he doesn't want me in my life...what a whimp!<P>If this is how your OM is treating you...maybe you should feel the same way!<P>Can you tell I'm pis*ed? Try writing down your feelings...it might help. I wrote a long letter to the OM and might post it on this thread instead of sending it to him. Maybe it would help if we started a thread called "closure letter to the OM."<P>Don't forget about your needs.