believer said I should post this here so here I am..

Been lurking for a while as my wife comes here, dont know if she posts, dont much care right now.

Wife cheated about 2 years ago and frankly never seemed too remorseful about it. I have tried to work it out I guess to be fair so has she. She has never explained the why of her affair when I asked except to say it started at a work sundowner and one thing led to another.

I have read here and elsewhere that somewhere somehow both of us must have been in the least inattentive to each other for this to have happened. But I can't think of any period like that, I thought we were a happy family with 2 kids. I have asked again & again if I had let her down or not given her love or commitment and she always says I have done so. Then I ask again why and she shrugs her shoulders and cries.

I just cannot work it out and it has been eating away at my love for her since I first knew. Dspite the initial anger I have really tried not to be a SOB about it and to remain calm when we discuss it.

If it was this only I guess I could work myself around to accepting that I will never know, but unfortunately it is not just that.

Well to get down to brass tacks, the big problem is that I think I just do not love her anymore. Dont hate her but I dont love her. I think.
Been through the pain and hurt, thats over for the most part I think.
I find myself very resentful so it may be that which I am feeling. To add to the problems both our children, girl 17 & boy 16 are aware of the affair and both at times almost seem to hate their Mum.
I am getting therapy, wife goes sometimes but doesn't seem to think it will make a difference in the end, I would like the kids to go but the older girl especially just glares at her mum and says 'she caused all this she should go' . A lot of this has got to a head the last week and frankly I'm at a loss of what to do or suggest.

I dont think it matters who is right or wrong now, way too late for that, we need something to defuse the anger even though I feel bit like I couldn't give a damn what she does, our kids deserve better from both of us I think.

I've read the stuff about plan A & B but think we may be past that

So any suggestions anyone??

aussie -

Hope you will stick around for awhile. The ball is in your court. But if you do your very best to work on the marriage, then you will be able to look back 10 years from now, and know you did your very best.

Your kids are reacting very typically. Their mom has threatened their happy family. Certainly they are angry. But you have an opportunity to show them what love and committment are all about.

thanks believer

I may as well I suppose..tried most everything else .............but as its just about 3.30 in the mornng here - Australia - and I have to work tomorrow I had beter get some sleep.

nothings going to change over night or morning whatever.......

many thanks again

Yep. Time to get some sleep. See you tomorrow, I hope.

aussie, when did you find out about the affair? How did you find out?

I think the important question is: Do you want to love her?

If you do, then there is a plan.

If you don't, and you want to be happy, there is another plan.

Which do you prefer? What is the right thing to do?

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hi Aussie,

Another aussie here.

You sound like you have really lost all hope for the marriage, and that is a very natural feeling in a BS (betrayed spouse). Especially when you do not seem to have gotten any answers from your wife. You are trying counselling, but she is reluctant. I wonder if she realises that the truth, which will hurt you to both face, can also be very freeing, because the slate is cleaned, with no secrets, ready for a new marriage to be built between you.

People will tell you to read all you can on this site, and that is a good start. Read the articles and the books recommended. The books are not all available in Australia, but a dear MB friend sent them to me a long time ago. As I am finished with them I would be happy to pass them onto you. Just let me know if you would like them via the address below.

Love and light,

Jacky
jackinoz16@hotmail.com

Hi Aussie.
I have not posted here before, but I do know that you can buy the Dr Harleys His Needs/Her Needs from Dimocks in Australia & also order any that you think you may need. That's what I do from Down Under. Good Luck

Well to answer the question on how I found out my wife told me. I had an accident when a drunk driver hit me as I was getting off a bus on the way to work, luckily I only got a broken leg and some scratches but I did look a mess. ( Driver came up onto the footpath and hit a pole which probably saved me) Being the rather stupid Aussie male rather than a sensible person I caught the bus back home & limped in on the leg. I really didn’t think it was such a big deal the leg I mean, so I didn’t think how it would look to her as I entered the door. Wife had a shock started to cry and just blurted it out as she was cleaning me up, I suppose in hindsight it was stored guilt.
I really don’t think it was the way she wanted to tell me, just happened.
I can tell you it was not the most enjoyable experience from either point of view. Remember the day perfectly, 23 June last year. Funny don’t remember it because of what she told but the leg.
Still not better by the way.

WAT, you ask the $60,000 question. Do I want to love her? Right now I am ambiguous on that question. I really don’t know what I want. I feel empty and washed out. Bit like a pair of jeans that have gone through the wash a few times, faded but still recognisable.
If I think about it we have been together for a long time, 18 years - I’m 35 she is 34, far as I know no other issues, again not really sure if she has told me all the truth there, but don’t think I will get anywhere shadow boxing. Maybe having kid so young might have been an issue??? Never has for me but I was not stuck home 12 hours a day until she could start work again.
She is working in child welfare which can be very stressful as well.
I mean I have been tempted in the past and I suppose she has too. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and swallow, hard as that can be. Well I did, If she says no then its no.

My feeling is that once, twice or 50 times, does it matter? What’s wrong once is wrong no matter how many times. If it happened before then it was likely the same reasons which caused the time I am aware of. Well thats an issue, the times I know of by itself, I am so sure it was more than the one sundowner because she will not answer he questions I still have. I have tried so hard not to be aggressive but maybe of late my frustration may be leaking through. This is definitely related to my leg recovery as I was having a lot of anger issues with that. I mean I had sudden intense flashes of anger that I had to consciously nail the lid on. That could not have helped but I kept that out of any discussion, went for a walk or coffee to make sure the family didn’t cop it.
That’s gone now.


Jacky and eyesopened thanks for your info and offer.
I actually did try Dimocks here in Perth and they are getting some of the books for me. Have read all that’s here as well. Also read some more research from Australia and the US on the latest data re affairs and reactions etc. Some helpful some just confusing, at least to me. Therapist is very good and specialises in relationships. Said wife MUST be prepared to at least come and listen if that all she does for a while for her to do any good for both of us. Otherwise she is just really doing IC with me. Well at least she helped with the anger re the leg.
Yes I do feel as if I have given up. Cant understand why she will not give me the details, I mean what more can she say, that she had more then one A, that it went on for ages, that she cared for the bloke, I mean it really doesn’t matter does it. All she seems to want to do is say its over & has been for 2 years and lets move on.
Mmm yes all very nice………..for her.

I think imagination can be worse than reality at times. I feel if she can get pass the this first admission, whatever it is, then maybe , just maybe we can work together for the kids and ourselves.

Speaking of the kids had a problem with the boy tonight, he & mom had a small difference of opinion on keeping his room clean, nothing major just to keep clothes in the washing basket in his room and not the floor. Well he called her a Sl*t .
So I had to have a talk with him to try to get him to understand that angry as he might be, he needed to understand that she loved him ALWAYS no matter what happened between mum and me and that he could hurt her very easily. ‘GOOD’ wasn’t the answer I wanted.

Just seems we are spiralling out of control here. I wonder if the kids are also frustrated that she doesn’t seem to understand that an explanation will help?? I really wish we could have kept this to ourselves for a while. Afraid big ears have heard every nasty bit when I first found out.

Sorry for the long post but it seems to help just to type it out, better then yelling at someone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussie2:
<strong>Do I want to love her? Right now I am ambiguous on that question. I really don’t know what I want. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds like an honest answer.

If we told you that by following some simple guidance you very, very likely could rediscover the love for her that you once knew, would you think that giving that a try would be better than not trying at all?

WAT

Hi WAT

must have gone to bed so didn't get to ans until now.
Had a good think about your question. I have to say I am sceptical about my own ability, internal strength maybe a better way to describe it to do much more, but on the other hand I think I would regret it to just run away from the issue as someone has already told me. of late maybe I have done that.
Just not good on the touchy feely stuff. I do think that is both a inherited thing as well as a cultural thing, probably get a lot of agreement from any Aussie girls who are here.
So if you think there is a way that I can improve where we are, then YES please go ahead and I will try.