I have been married 6 years. My husband is very difficult to communicate with at times...he has a temper, but for the most part, is not violent - he has never hurt me, but he will throw things at times and always raises his voice to a disburbing level when he gets angry. I do not fight or yell. I sit quietly until he finishes his tyrate. He spends most of his "down" time laying on the couch with the TV on and sleeping. We don't really talk that much because I don't want to set him off. Our interests are very different...we can't even watch TV together. He seems to carry a chip on his shoulder's most of the time.

I have a very outgoing personality and many, many friends. I find my conversation elsewhere and have pretty much pulled away from my need for my husband to fill that part of my life. It has been this way for quite some time.

We are in a business together. It is pretty successful and I know I could not do it without him nor he without me. We have an individual who has been working with us for the last 3 years and we've recently made him a partner. I have always had strong friendship feelings toward him, but recently we have been spending more time together and I find those feelings growing deeper. He is not married, but lives with a woman whom I know he is not emotionally attached to. We have the same interests and get along extremely well. He is very even tempered and I enjoy his company very much. He has never made a pass at me, but I know he has feelings for me. The thing that worries me the most about him is the fact he is a heavy smoker (I do not smoke) and drinks more than he should - although his drinking has never interferred with our business. I could never allow smoking in my home and I don't drink at all...but still, I am finding myself thinking about him a lot more than I ever did before. I would never dream I would be attracted to someone with his habits. He is a vital part of our business too.

So, the three of us need each other. My husband really likes this guy too and they get along well. If I were to say anything to either one of them, there would be major problems and our business would be effected dramatically. The "partner", as I'll refer to him, means a great deal to me and I don't want to lose him in my life. I force myself to think about the good qualities that attracted me to my husband in the first place and that helps...but my delimina is why am I even thinking as much about the "partner" as I am???

I am a mess emotionally...I haven't gone head-over-heels yet for the "partner", but I know it could happen and if he were to ever make a move toward a closer relationship, I don't know today how I would react. He is finding reasons to spend more time with me, and truthfully, I enjoy it so much. Nothing has happened, but I'm concerned.

It's the same ol' story isn't it?

Thanks folks,

DHDW

1. He is not married, but lives with a woman whom I know he is not emotionally attached to.

So, you are describing a man who is a bit of a cad. He is using this woman.

2. he is a heavy smoker

He's got an addictive habit of which you do not approve


3. and drinks more than he should -

charming ... alcohol abuse too.


~~~~~~~

I think you are not seeing clearly. Go have your eyes examined. The grass is NOT greener with this man, that's for certain!

The grass you are looking at is brown from tobacco, wet from sloshy alcohol, and stale from lack of care.

He's the wrong turn in your life. Don't go there.

Pep

Welcome to MB. You will find a lot of people on here that have "been there, done that" and can really give you some good advice. If you do not get a lot of responses, it's the weekend--don't be discouraged. Also, be prepared to hear some heart-truth--no smoke screens or b***s***. (Pep, believer, et al how'd I do in the welcoming committee?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DHDW:
So, the three of us need each other.

Pull the reins back, DH. *HOW* do you need each other???? You say you are in a business relationship with this OM. KEEP IT THAT WAY!

I am a mess emotionally...
He is finding reasons to spend more time
with me, and truthfully, I enjoy it so
much. Nothing has happened, but I'm
concerned.

Is it marriage or a "closer friendship" that you want? I will assume marriage, since you are here. At all possible, avoid the "spending more time alone" part with him. That's just for starters.

It's the same ol' story isn't it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, yes. I am one that thankfully didn't let an EA turn into a PA. Keep "spending more time alone" with him and you'll really be a mess emotionally, among lots of other things (i.e. your business and your marriage in general.)

I can relate to what you are feeling (weirdly on both sides) as both my W and I played tag-team with the emotional emergency shut off switch. But you need to communicate. I lost so so so many years not communicating with my W. I am so sorry for that. That is the key to any relationship. Also "just for starters", the way you are descibing your husband, it sounds as if he is in the near stages of, if not already in depression. Just some thoughts. I'm sure you will have more feedback to think about from some of the other elder Mb'ers--er, uh, "seasoned" MB'ers!

Good luck, God bless, and listen to what these people have to say!!!!

Gosh dang it, Pep--you still "beat me" to the first response!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

PS My quotes are still a little off--sorry.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Thanks Pepperband...

Your nailed it right on the head there. Like I said...It makes no sense for me to be attacted to someone with his, let's say, "problems". I also think the reason he has the woman living with him is because of her disability income she has coming in.

I have sense enough to know that his addiction problems won't go away with "the love of a good woman" so to speak. (He's 50, I'm 45 and my husband is 55.) I guess, for the life of me, I can't figure out why I am feeling an attraction to him KNOWING in my mind all the things you posted are absolutely true.

I have asked my husband to go with me to marriage counseling to help make our relationship better. I still love my husband and want to be with him...I just hate the distance that's between us most of the time.

Thanks,

DHDW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I sit quietly until he finishes his tyrate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think about this comment you made .....

What do you think this does to your marriage? (Not your H's tirades, but your passive response)

What do you think might be a more honest, a more pro-marriage-communication response to his tirades?

You are not communicating with honesty in your marriage if you sit and passively accept tirades. I suggest you get up and leave the building, say

"I will no longer allow you to disrespect me and our marriage relationship with your yelling. I will listen to whatever you have to say when you can speak in a calm voice." Then exit.

Developing a crush on smarmy OM (partner) will do ZILCH to improve your relationship in your marriage ---> it will make things WORSE ... MUCH MUCH WORSE.

Don't go there. It's a detour off the road you need to travel to improve your own communication flaws.

Pep

PS ... LINY ROCKS!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I still love my husband and want to be with him...

I know. It shows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just hate the distance that's between us most of the time.

Then challenge him. I think you've been perhaps too passive and to willing to accept crumbs.

Shake his tree a little.

Pep

DHDW,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he has a temper, but for the most part, is not violent - he has never hurt me, but he will throw things at times and always raises his voice to a disburbing level when he gets angry. I do not fight or yell. I sit quietly until he finishes his tyrate. He spends most of his "down" time laying on the couch with the TV on and sleeping. We don't really talk that much because I don't want to set him off. Our interests are very different...we can't even watch TV together. He seems to carry a chip on his shoulder's most of the time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am wondering if your attraction to this man is not just a cry for help. You don't have a satisfying relationshp with your husband so you find yourself fantisizing about someone else. I think this is common but it is also a strong indicator that you need to change your relationship with your husband immediately.

Could you let your husband know that you need more from him as a friend and companion? I bet if you guys fixed that then you would find your attraction for this man disappearing.

For years before my husband's affair he behaved as you have described your husband. He would explode and yell and break things (never touched me) I used to hate coming home sometimes because I couldn't stand the pain of coming home to someone who seemed so miserable. He spend all his spare time in front of the tv and we did nothing together as a couple.

Turns out he was feeling unwanted by me and we each built walls protecting ourselves from the other. It almost cost us everything. Our family, our marriage, our love and the affair is something that has damaged us so badly that I wonder if either one of us will feel "safe" again.

My advice is to try to fix your relationship before you do something you will regret. The problem is that it will probably take you going out on a limb and putting yourself emotionally out there. If I had done that and not been afraid of rejection, I probably wouldn't be here on MB today. It is worth a shot isn't it? Before it is too late?

Cathy

Hi DHDW,

Welcome to MB.

I think there is some kind of payoff you get when around the OM at work.And,it probably looks good to you in some way,maybe the attention you get,that fuels a desire to be around him.Which presents a huge problem.Someones gotta go.It should be OM.The situation is a bomb waiting to go off and it's already crossed the line since you now have "feelings" for him and they are growing deeper.Not good.

Well,unfortunately you will have to be open and honest now to your H because you are in trouble,your marriage is in trouble and the object of your feelings is not your H right now.So there will have to be a discussion about letting him(OM) go.There will be no way the three of you can work safely and comfortably from now on.

I think it's time to have a serious one on one with your H.

O

If you could see into the future if you chose to dump your H in favor of this partner, you would find that you have traded in one set of problems for a whole other set. The partner/OM's problems would probably turn out to be more painful than your communication problems are with your current H. Most hints at negative behaviors only get more pronounced after you are with eachother and the honeymoon wears off.

You may benefit from reading His Needs Her Needs available for sale on this site. Then share it with your H. Or better yet, see if you can read it together and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire. There are tools out there to improve your communication.

There are also seminars from Harville Hendrix book 'Getting the Love You Want' and Imago therapy.

There's also the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott's or Gary Smalley that teach similar communication techniques through books or seminars. Be pro-active. Make an investment in your marriage.

The grass isn't greener on the otherside.
If you continue in the direction you are headed you will only create lots of pain and heartache for all concerned. It isn't worth it.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses to my post. I have talked to NO ONE about this...not even my closest friends. I never talk about my marriage to my friends or family. I think that would be wrong. In a forum like this I can express myself safely...similar to talking to a counselor in that respect.

My husband brought home flowers for me today from the grocery store...very nice. I do love him, but I miss the companionship and sharing. The "Partner" has filled that need for me...I realize that...he is really not my type by any means and, even if I were free to date him, I would nag him to death about quitting smoking and drinking. I am re-thinking my feelings about him and trying hard to put aside any imaginations about us as a "couple". It's not sex that is my motivator here, it's the sharing and closeness of friendship that I am enjoying the most from him. He is a very sweet guy. I don't want to lose him as a friend and business partner...we all have achieved so much by working together.

Regarding my passivity. Yes, you all are right to a certain degree. I grew up in a home where my parents fought violently and I vowed to myself to never be like that. I have not. I have told my husband that when he gets angry he does not have to raise his voice. That's the part that disturbs me the most. I have told him that when he calmed down I would talk to him as an adult and that he is showing disrespect to me by yelling. I remember the first time that happened when we were dating...I nearly walked then...I told him that I was going, but decided to stay because the good in him outweighed the bad. I knew then that that was not the last time I would be yelled at. He has gotten better over the years, but I have noticed the change in myself by pulling away and not sharing with him in order to protect myself from uncomfortable situations. He has noticed it too. I'm sure that's a big part of our problem.

We have talked about taking a "honeymoon" trip together to get away from the business, people, the town we live in, etc. I think that would help.

Do you all think I can remain friends with our "Partner"? I have a very soft place in my heart for him. I talked to him this afternoon...both me and my husband...the first thing he said to me when he answered the phone and realized it was me was, "I have been thinking about you all day"...so there you go.

Thanks again everyone...your words are helping me more than you know.

DHDW

Hi again DHDW,

I have just one more quick response before I go to bed.

First of all,there is no way you can continue to work with the OM.He is a temptation that will always be there for you no matter how hard you try to deny it or think you can get over it.Also,if you are going to be honest with your H,then he most likely will not be comfotable with the OM working alongside you both either.In our experinece here,it's just not possible for 99.999% of couples.

Lastly,it is nice to think about going away with your H for some time alone togehter but you probably already know that it's not going to solve the big problems in your marriage.It is only a temporary reprieve.All your problems,including the OM,will be there waiting when you return.

O

If you tell your husband that you have been feeling vulnerable to an affair with the partner, that your feelings for him have grown and you enjoy his company a bit more than is appropriate, then you can decide together how to resolve this...whether the OM needs to leave or not. You are lucky that you haven't completely crossed the line by each confessing to each other your mutual attraction. It sounds like it is pretty clear to both of you without the speaking the exact words that your feelings have been mutual.

Radical honesty would have you confess these feeling to your H and POJA =Point of Joint Agreement (read about these concepts elsewhere on this site) a solution....if that decision is that OM needs to leave the business then so be it. The safety of your marriage is worth more.

You need to be honest with yourself and your H about whether or not you can even go back to having just a professional relationship with the partner. In most cases it would be a problem.
Octobergirl may be right that OM may have to go.