Hi all,
Fisrtly I should tell you I'm premenstral. I can't stop crying and I can't stop LB.
I feel like it is all hopelesss. How many lies can one person take. How do you wake the next day to think today he will be dependable, today he will put my needs over all else. How do you stop the tape in your head that reminds you of all the awful things he has said and done. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Each time I want to believe him and give him and us another chance but he always dissapoints me. I am so sick and tired of trying to pretend I am not devestated by what he did,does and says. Plan Aing real does have its down side. I think he knows I will never give up on us because of the kids and that opens the door for him to do what he likes. But as he tells me constantly, he hasn't slept with her for months doesn't that count for something - I think he would like me to thank him. When he tells her he loves her he is still telling me too-doesn't that count for something. He is at home with me holding me, sharing with me -doesn't that count for something.
My answer yes it does but it doesn't take away the hurt of him continuing C woth OW telling me he has enough place in his heart for us both. It doesn't make up for the lies that there wasn't C when there was. It doesn't make up for him able to hurt me but not her. It doesn't make up for his feeling that making a choice is living with me, not supporting me through this mess he has created.
I feel sooooooo sad and sooooo alone. Give me strength to go on, to make healthy decissions that I can live with.
S

Is anyone out there?????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It's not what counts but the value of what counts.

Ok arty, what are you doing on your end? MC, reading, EN questionnaire, personnal support group, plan A, etc.????

Do you know when he is babbling?

This stuff can keep you pretty busy.

Orchid2,
Thanks for reply.
He has great values but weakens everytime OW calls or e-mails. Tells me they shared something specaial and even thougn he chose me, he won't hurt her. Not the values I am searching for!!!!!!
We are each seeing our own C, H refuses to go together or read together,or fill out EN questionnaires. I have read SAA and have been plan Aing (inbetween his lies and my anger) for over 7 months.
Yes I know when he is babbling but I am so emotional and it is so not what I need to hear that I am enraged. I just want him to fix this like he use to fix everything for me.
S

Arty,

From what you posted, your Ws does NOT have great values. He may have when he was a faithful H but not as a WS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to point out his babble:


1. When he says he doesn't want to hurt the OW, that's classic babble.

2. We are each seeing our own C, H refuses to go together or read together,or fill out EN questionnaires.

3. he tells me constantly, he hasn't slept with her for months doesn't that count for something -

4. telling me he has enough place in his heart for us both.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now here is what is really happening:

a. I'm premenstral. I can't stop crying and I can't stop LB.

b. I feel like it is all hopelesss.

c. How many lies can one person take.

d. How do you wake the next day to think today
he will be dependable, today he will put my needs over all else.

e. How do you stop the tape in your head that reminds you of all the awful things he has said and done.

f. Each time I want to believe him and give him and us another chance but he always dissapoints me.

g. I am so sick and tired of trying to pretend I am not devestated by what he did,does and says.

h. Plan Aing real does have its down side.

i. I think he knows I will never give up on us because of the kids and that opens the door for him to do what he likes.

j. When he tells her he loves her he is still telling me too-doesn't that count for something.

k. He is at home with me holding me, sharing with me -doesn't that count for something.
l. It doesn't make up for his feeling that making a choice is living with me, not supporting me through this mess he has created.

m. I feel sooooooo sad and sooooo alone. Give me strength to go on, to make healthy decissions that I can live with.

n. I have read SAA and have been plan Aing inbetween his lies and my anger) for over 7 months.

Orchid: You want him to fix it all for you but he can't fix it even for himself.

Take a long hard look at how I broke down your post and give me your feedback. Do you see a different picture? Given that the facts have been rearranged, please post your comments on how you think you should act from this point forward I have to run out for a while. Will checkback later tonight.

take care,
L.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: orchid2 ]</small>

Orchid,
I'm not sure I know what your getting at. It makes me so mad that things seem so much clearer to others than they do to me. Yes, I am sad and dispondent. Do you think I haven't ben plan Aing effeciently? I don't know how not to get angry when my H says one thing and does another. Tells me he is 100% committed and lies about C. Tells me he lies to protect me. I just don't give myself hope of doing any better.
And yes now after Friday he spoke to OW again and said C must end again (lost count -maybe 5th time). So I should be plan Aing big time, but once bitten twice shy. I don't believe him any more. I want proof, substance something!!!!
Or do you think I should plan B. I have tried that but I can't convince him to leave our home and H tells me things will be better. Lets face it I don't want him gone. I am out of control with confusion.
I know outsiders see H as trying to save the M and me the angry, sad W who can't move on. But they don't know of half the lies and the continual contact all be it benign (spelling?) as my H puts it. I just over react to his kiindness to a fellow human being!!!!!!!!!!
Please enlighten me - I am too frail to work it out.
S

Orchid2,
Are you there?
S

How do you wake the next day to think today he will be dependable,

wake each day knowing that today your spouse is NOT dependable...but you remain to be so....

When he tells her he loves her he is still telling me too-doesn't that count for something.

illogical babble is what that is...
and you should give not credit...
no bonus points...
no value...

babble back..
my dear what an interesting definition of love you have....

telling me he has enough place in his heart for us both.

that's nice dear...I'm not thinking about your heart though...just as you don't think of mine..

or
that's nice dear....I don't have room in my heart...

set your time limit for plan a...and plan on plan b...otherwise it you choosing to be part of a triangle and choosing to be spectator to his insane chaos...

you have lots of choices
you have lots of power...

this guy has no understanding of the meaning of the words love etc...he gets no warm fuzzies for babble...

read orchids titled post on babbling back to fog babble...

you need to learn how to do this..

expect lies
expect undependability..
it will free you..

ark

So, if I except the babble for simple fog and learn to ignore it, or even better give a light retort.
How do I except the C and hiding the C from me. Do I confront him, keep snooping, keep asking? Cos he sees that as love busting. I just hate the fact he still feels for OW and cares more for her pain than mine.
S

arty...
how DO you accept it..

when is enough enough...for YOU
when will YOU have had ENOUGH

how long will YOU be part of a triangle...

how much can YOU take...
when enough IS enough...
go to plan B...when YOU answer those questions
and be done with the chaos..

ARK

Ark,
I don't accept it! I never chose this and I have certainly had enough of being part of a triangle. But he tells me he wants a life with me. He tells me they are not in C (since Friday).
How do I go to plan B when he says he wants us to work it out. Yet I feel his heart is not in it. And even if I do snoop and find out that OW has Ced my H what do I do? I can't throw him out of his own house if he does not choose to leave. I sometimes feel like he has caged me in a room of dispair. He will not make me happy yet he will not leave to let me find my own happiness.
S

Arty,

U can't control what u can't control. That is very hard for most BS to learn. I know it took me a looong time. Got beat up many times here @ MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> In a very loving way, of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pay attention to what ARK posts. She is quite good with her words and wit.

When you have done your best plan A and the A is still ongoing, then plan B a good plan B is your next viable option. It does come with risks but so does a delayed plan A. Enabling the A is not healthy for you or your WS.

Read what Lordslady is going through. Her current situation is now pushing her H to threaten the living conditions of herself, her children, her home and even the home of her parents. I am sure you don't want to be in that predicament.

Read up more on plan B and follow through with the steps previously outlined. Remember posting here is only part of the process. It does not take the place of good counseling, seeing your doctor, talking with a lawyer, securing your finances, or creating your personal support group.

Pray for that clear mind and the calm heart. You can't go to plan B without it. You also can't rush or push yourself into being ready for your heart and mind to sync up.

This is a hard road but if you do your part, you will secure recovery. For yourself 1st and then if your H chooses to participate and you allow him to return, then your M can work on the recovery. Personal recovery must come first. It is key critical to being successful.

L.

Thanks Orchid,
I know I have a big problem with trying to over contol things in my life. This whole episode has helped open my eyes to my failings - anxiety and overcontrolling big on the list.
I will continue to do my best plan A and if I find any sign of A, I will plan B. It's just that I sometimes feel that I am to blame for us being on this rollercoaster for so long. If only I could plan A better he wouldn't keep C OW.
Do you think sharing with H my low or sad days is a LB? I am the sort of person who wants to share with H everything on her mind. But if I have a low day he feels as if I am blaming him and attacking him. I have no one I really want to share my moods with other than H. Is it unrealistirc to excpect him to be emotionally there for me now and is it putting too much stress on our M?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Personal recovery must come first. It is key critical to being successful.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I often feel if he could only be more giving and understanding of my needs and show more remorse for what he has done I could recover faster and be what I want to be. Is this passing the buck and asking him to heal me instead of healing myself? Where do I turn for personal recovery?
S