All,

I had an afair with a co-worker a year ago. I tried to break off after a couple of months but kinda dragged. My husband found out and I stoped seeing him. He continued pursuing me so I talked to him and telling him that what happened is wrong and I need to work on my marriage now. I didn't want him to feel that he gets dumped, so I simply told him that I shouldn't be seeing him now b/c of the situation. I figoured that after a while he will get the point. My husband found out this conversation and got very upset and said that I don't love him but the other party. I need help:
1. Did I do anything wrong by not yelling at the other party as my H would expected?
2. We talked about serveral solution including divorcing and those are all his ideas. One moment, we seem to have a plan, and the next hour, he becomes all upset and want me dead. He said he will create a website that contain all the evidence he collected about the afair and send them to my work and my friends and family. He said if we get divorced, I shouldn't get a penny although I have brought home everything I make. I understand he is in pain, and I am willing to work with him. But there seems to be no way. I know it is my fault and I am trying my best to do the right thing at least starting now. Sometimes, I think I should just die and he will be happy. But we have two kids, 7&4. I am aobut to be stressed out. what can I do?

Hi IP2l - Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I am a fairly recent BS so I think I have a fair idea about how your husband may be feeling.
It's natural for him to feel the way he does, especially if it's been a short while since the A.
Like myself he is probably feeling betrayed, angry, confused, depressed, and suffering from very low self esteem. He is probably struggling to comprehend why you went outside the marriage for comfort and not top him or a to seek guidance. As you can see many emotions are hitting on him. I am sure that you to are struggling a bit right now.
I am glad that you have stopped the A but you really needed to be crystal clear with the OM that the A is over. Think about your H's feelings, they are what should be priority no. 1 if you are serious about saving your marriage, not the OP's feelings (no matter how noble).
I would suggest that you get into marriage counselling (together if possible) ASAP. Read all the postings and the books available / recommended via the site, and if comfortable get your husband to come to the site. You don't have to tell him you post here, but it's good that he can come to the site to vent and that understands that there are ways to address and resolve your issues. Once he sees that many others have saved their marriages, then it will give him some confidence that he can too. Keep posting and keep reading things can be resolved if that's what you both really want!!!

Hello,

I am afraid that you are still in the fog. If the roles were reversed, how do you think you would be feeling if your husband continued contact with his lover behind your back because he did not want the OW to feel that she was dumped? You can't be serious. You have totally broken your husband's heart and betrayed him in the worst possible way.
You should have been doing everything to regain your husband's trust but instead you continued contact behind his back because you did not want the OM to feel dumped. You clearly put the feelings of your lover over the feelings and pain of your husband. Your husband gave you a second chance and you continued contact with the OM and lied to your husband about it. It is understandable that your husband wants to divorce you. Your actions demonstrate that you no longer care about the feelings and pain of your husband. Your actions make a divorce almost inevitable but at least you know it was your choice.

Hi IP2L,

Welcome to MB!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did I do anything wrong by not yelling at the other party as my H would expected? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that yelling would have made one bit of difference. What your H is looking for is for you to protect your M. When your H learned that you didn't want the OM to feel like he was "dumped"... That just put another knife in his back. Sorry to be so blunt, but come on, you have an A with this OM, then worry about his feelings??? What about your H's feelings?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand he is in pain, and I am willing to work with him. But there seems to be no way. I know it is my fault and I am trying my best to do the right thing at least starting now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's very hard for a WS to "understand" the pain that they've caused their BS... I say this not to bash you, but your desire to let the OM down easy, is a prime example... You have no idea of how much your H is hurting right now. You still have feelings for the OM. You need to write the OM a No Contact letter. Let your H read it, then MAIL it to the OM. Then don't call, e-mail, IM, write, or have ANY contact with the OM.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Braynp,

Are you always so positive with new WS???

IP2L is asking for help and all you can do is tell her that a divorce is almost inevitable???

I'm sorry that for whatever reason, you are still so bitter.... but it does no good to punish WS that come here looking for help.

I hope that you can eventually find peace in your life.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you all. I now understand why my H is so angry at me with what I did. I obviously hurt him again without realizing it. I stopped contact the OM totally since then. But my H won't believe me anymore. So we are going into a divorce. He said he needs to put an end of this. After the D, if we still feel that we love each other, we can get married again. To me, this is such a childish idea. I suggested that we separate in stead of divorce, but he won't listen. is it possible to get married again aftet the D? what is the big differnce to my H b/w a divorce and separation? How to I talk some sense into him?

Would your husband come here and read?

No. He wouldn't.

After the A, I deparately tried to save the marriage, so I set up counselling with Steve. He went the first time, but refused after that saying the counselling is just looking for execuses for cheaters.

As a matter of fact, for the past serveral years, I know the marriage has problem, at least I wasn't happy about it. He works long hours till 2-3 in the morning. For years I have been going to bed alone and he would wake me up in the middle of the night and ask for sex. I usually wasn't in the mood then so he tell me pretend that I am dead just let him relieve. He always put his work the highest priority...I talked to him many times and he either dismiss me or packed up and left me and kids saying he wanted a divorce (he now saids that he didn't mean it). I begged him dozens of times to go to counselling and he simply refuses. This time, he still refuses because he thinks it doesn't make any difference what other people may think what is the right thing to do, he just wants to get what he wants. Yet, he said I had no idea how much he loved me and he still loves me. I am very confused. I don't understand him.

IP2L,

Your H is hurting so much right now... Usually, anger is an outward sign of something much deeper...

I suspect that your H knows that he can hurt you by telling you that he wants a divorce since you've told him that you want to work on the M.

Until he actually files and the divorce is final, I'd recommend that you keep trying to earn his trust. It won't be easy, but if you want any chance at all to rebuild your M, you must try...

Semper Fi,
RIF90