Hey everyone,

For those of you who don't know my story, after a good 7 months of Plan A (way too long, I know), and NC between my H and OW for about 3-4 wks. as far as I know, my H says he still doesn't feel what he wants to for me and will be moving out since he can's say that he doesn't love OW. He says he has nothing left to give me and he's given our M enough of a chance to see if he can feel anything again. So he apparently is moving out very soon....he's also said this before.

My question is, do I go directly into Plan B when he moves out? I get the impression that he thinks he will be able to come and go as he pleases and everything will be all hunky dory between us.

He confuses the crap out of me constantly. Just yesterday am he and I were intimate and he was very passionate...his feelings showed...I know he loves me. Do you think he's doing this out of pity or some idea like "this is going to be the last time we have sex." I'm trying not to even make sense out of it. Then today as he left to go out of town on business (OW is here, I actually saw her today, yuck!), he kisses me, embraces me, and then blows me a kiss as he walks out the door.

What the heck does this man want? What is he looking for? I'm so tired of trying to understand what to do. I just want him to go and maybe he'll figure this out on his own. Is it bad that I don't want to give him but a few months to decide what he wants? I'm just so tired of this limboland...

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

Are you sure you don't want to give him several more months of limboland? I think that you have done a good Plan A, but I also think [and have said this before] that he has no reason to end the affair. As long as he can get his needs met in two places, he will. And he is.

So yes, for what its worth, I do think you should go into Plan B before its too late.

That's what I thought. Is it realistic to allow him a wek or two to get all his stuff out and settled?

He still hasn't found a place? I sure wouldn't throw him out into the street, but I would give him until the end of the week. That should give him plenty of time.

Have you started on a Plan B letter?

No, he hasn't found a place yet. Yes, Ihave written a plan B letter. Do you want to read it?

I don’t know your story, but I will assume that exposure is done and all the other basic steps have been performed in plan A.

I too waited too long, even with WW being clear who she wants, but I decided on waiting until the separation agreement was signed. That’s another story.

Make sure he has all the stuff he needs upon exit. Secure your finances, liquidate all joint accounts and give him half. Close joint credit cards and get another in your name only. Consult with a lawyer. Notice I said consult, not talking filing here. Get information from him/her and look up other sources so you are educated on the laws where you reside.

Post the plan B letter here so those “in the know” can help tweak it. Give it to him that same day otherwise he eases himself into the new lifestyle. You don’t knock them out with a string of soft punches; give it to him all at once. Do as I say, not as I’ve done.

He doesn’t sound like consequences have caught up with him yet. Like my WW, probably thinks he can rip out your heart, push you to the brink of sanity for his own selfish indulgence and then you’ll be pals.

Plan B letter examples

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong> No, he hasn't found a place yet. Yes, Ihave written a plan B letter. Do you want to read it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you want to post it so others can give you feedback? I can't read it until tomorrow but others could help you. Binder has good experience writing Plan B letters and could be a great help!

Here's my letter:

My Dearest H,

This is the hardest thing for me to do, something that I have put a great deal of thought into. Please know that every word I am writing is with a love that only a wife can have. Over eleven years ago we promised to each other and to God that we would be true to each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and that we would love and honor each other for all the days of our lives.
We have both broken the promises to be true to each other and to honor each other, but I know I will love you all the days of my life. I do not want to give up on you, on our marriage, on our family.
I cannot change the past H, but I have learned from my mistakes and I apologize to you from the depths of my soul. I know that you have been unhappy for a long time. I realize that my behavior has contributed in part to your unhappiness and our emotional estrangement. If I could take back every mistake, if I could erase all the hurt, if I could do everything differently, I would. But it isn’t possible to change the past. I can only change the here and now, and hence our future. You know I am trying, but I do and will make mistakes. But I am becoming a better person and I know I can be a better wife. I am learning ways to be the wife you always wanted me to be. I want to build a better life with you and our only son. I know this is possible. Remember that S has only us, no siblings to talk to or to lean on. You and I are all he has in his family.
The past year has been an eye opener for me. It has been so difficult to know that you no longer want to be with me. Things have been such a rollercoaster. At times I felt so much hope and love from you, and other times I felt like I no longer knew who you were. The thought of not having you in my life any more is the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. But, thankfully, God has given me strength and I am allowing myself to put my life in His hands and trust in Him. He loves us both. He brought us together. He gave us our beautiful son. He is showing me the way and I know what I must do.
I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. I know the things I must do to correct my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to create a life that will meet both of our needs. I think I have been trying to do that, albeit sometimes not very well. I cannot continue to make these efforts until you end your relationship with OW. I love you with all my heart and I want our marriage to work, but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until you are willing to have NO CONTACT with OW. While she may not be the cause of our failing marriage, her presence will ensure that it will indeed fail. I know you believe that this has nothing to do with her, but as you said in your own words, “She is a thorn that must be removed.” It hurts so much to know I don’t have your heart and soul and see you sharing it with another. If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and when you are ready to end all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.
I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call S any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through email, unless it is an emergency, then call. I am torn with asking you not to speak with me, but it is too difficult for me to go on when I know you are not able to commit to our marriage.
I want us to be a team, as you always have wanted, and restore our marriage together. With God’s help we can begin to heal. I have been looking inside myself and asking for God’s help so that I may find the strength to endure and become the wife you want and need. I hope that you will seek God’s guidance as well.
I love you more than life itself, I hope you know that. There is no one else I’d rather spend my life with. I do not want to end our marriage. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to love you, talk with you, laugh with you, comfort you, and share in the joy of raising our son with you.


With all my love now and always,

WGUY

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

Binder and Melody thanks for your replies.

Binder, there is no legal separation in our state. But I have written up who is going to pay which bills and he has agreed to pay the bulk of ....how noble, seeing as he's the one doing this and he makes a s***load more money than I do. I will have my paychecks go into a separate account and I will continue to pay all the bills using the joint account with the exception of the few bills I have agreed to pay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He doesn’t sound like consequences have caught up with him yet. Like my WW, probably thinks he can rip out your heart, push you to the brink of sanity for his own selfish indulgence and then you’ll be pals.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its funny how similar they all can be. Maybe that's why he's been so nice lately...he wants to remain pals. I believe he is in for a rude awakening.

Mel is flattering me, must be a Texan thing.

The letter covers the required basics, just would soften the “we made mistakes” aspect and keep it strictly about you.

More “I promised” and “I have broken promises” you can address his contribution in recovery. Leave out the part about how he made you feel.

You say you have contributed to the state of the marriage, be specific with how rather than unclear, ambiguous terms and that you are attempting to address those very aspects.

Apparently brevity is a virtue when it comes to these letters, so try and state the principal ideas in a straightforward manner. There is some redundancy so edit out some of the sentences that repeat a concept already stated.

I suggest the following to shorten it a bit and remove the “I wants”. His clouded mind may sense those as demanding.

Dear WH

This is the hardest thing for me to do, something that I have put a great deal of thought into. Please know that every word I am writing is with love. Over eleven years ago I promised to you and to God that I would be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and that I would love and honor you for all the days of my life. I know I will love you all the days of my life and I do not want to give up on you, on our marriage, on our family.

I cannot change the past H, but I have learned from my mistakes and I apologize to you from the depths of my soul. I know that you have been unhappy for a long time. I realize that my behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and our emotional estrangement. If I could take back every mistake, if I could erase all the hurt, if I could do everything differently, I would. But it isn’t possible to change the past. I can only change the here and now, and hence our future. You know I am trying, but I do and will make mistakes. But I am becoming a better person and I know I can be a better wife. I am learning ways to be the wife you always wanted me to be. I want to build a better life with you and our only son. I know this is possible. Remember that S has only us, no siblings to talk to or to lean on. You and I are all he has in his family.

The past year has been an eye opener for me. It has been so difficult to know that you no longer want to be with me. The thought of not having you in my life any more is the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. But, thankfully, God has given me strength and I am allowing myself to put my life in His hands and trust in Him. He loves us both. He brought us together. He gave us our beautiful son. He is showing me the way and I know what I must do to correct my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to create a life that will meet both of our needs. I have been trying to do that, albeit sometimes not very well. I will continue to make these efforts but cannot be with you until you end your relationship with OW.

It hurts so much to know I don’t have your heart and soul and see you sharing it with another that in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until you are willing to have NO CONTACT with OW. While she may not be the cause of our failing marriage, her presence will ensure that it will indeed fail. If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and when you are ready to end all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call S any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through email, unless it is an emergency, then call. I am torn with asking you not to speak with me, but it is too difficult for me to go on when I know you are not able to commit to our marriage.

My wish is to be part of the team you always have wanted, and restore our marriage together. With God’s help we can begin to heal. I have been looking inside myself and asking for God’s help so that I may find the strength to endure and become the wife you want and need. I hope that you will seek God’s guidance as well.
I love you more than life itself, I hope you know that. There is no one else I’d rather spend my life with. I'm not trying to end our marriage, but preserve my love so one day you will allow me to be the wife that will love you, talk with you, laugh with you, comfort you, and share in the joy of raising our son with you.

With all my love now and always,

WGUY


Just a suggestion.


Bump this up in the AM for some more input.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 12:54 AM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Thanks Binder. That took a lot of time and effort for you to do. I truly appreciate it.

Hey, I'm in Texas too!

Check out Genia's thread. Chris -CA123 is helping her, he has some great suggestions to give there.

bump

Just waiting for anyone else's input on my letter.....

It is VERY IMPORTANT to tell him to contact you WHEN he has ended contact, not when he is "willing." Willing won't cut it, Nid. And you can't let him contact you AT ALL, except in an emergency. Email contact is contact and it will set you back.


I think Binder gave you some good pointers. The only thing I would do is trim it down somewhat so that the POINT stands out more clearly. For example, you could easily combine the first 4 paragraphs into ONE paragraph if you were concise. I think you have good points, but you take away from them by repeating them too much.


Then move on the the MEAT of the letter, which is:

I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those.

[remove this-------->I know the things I must do to correct my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to create a life that will meet both of our needs. I think I have been trying to do that, albeit sometimes not very well.]


I cannot continue to commit to our marriage until you end your relationship with OW. [remove------->I love you with all my heart and ] I want our marriage to work, but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until you [remove--------> are willing to have NO] HAVE ENDED CONTACT with OW.

[remove------------------------>While she may not be the cause of our failing marriage, her presence will ensure that it will indeed fail. I know you believe that this has nothing to do with her, but as you said in your own words, “She is a thorn that must be removed.” It hurts so much to know I don’t have your heart and soul and see you sharing it with another.] If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and[remove---------------> when you are ready to end ]YOU HAVE ENDED all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.


Something like this:


I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. Your continued contact with the OW has eroded my love for you and caused me deep despair. It is because of that that I must end contact with you until you end your relationship with OW. I want our marriage to work, but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until you are have ended all CONTACT with OW. If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and YOU HAVE ENDED all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.

Until that happens I would insist that you respect my wishes and do not contact me except in the case of an emergency.


Please feel free to call S any time and set up visits.

I want us to be a team, as you always have wanted, and restore our marriage together. With God’s help we can begin to heal. I have been looking inside myself and asking for God’s help so that I may find the strength to endure and become the wife you want and need. I know that we have the potential for a wonderful future together.

With love,

XXXX

Thanks Melody. I will make the necessary adjustments. I will post it again once I get it revised.

Thanks again!

Here is my revised edition:

My Dearest H,

This is the hardest thing for me to do, something that I have put a great deal of thought into. Please know that every word I am writing is with love. Over eleven years ago I promised to you and to God that I would be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and that I would love and honor you for all the days of my life. I do not want to give up on you, on our marriage, on our family.

I cannot change the past H, but I have learned from my mistakes and I apologize to you from the depths of my soul. I know that you have been unhappy for a long time. I realize that my behavior has contributed to your unhappiness and our emotional estrangement. If I could take back every mistake, if I could erase all the hurt, if I could do everything differently, I would. But it isn’t possible to change the past. I can only change the here and now, and hence our future. You know I am trying, but I do and will make mistakes. But I am becoming a better person and I know I can be a better wife. I am learning ways to be the wife you always wanted me to be. I want to build a better life with you and our only son. I know this is possible. Remember that S has only us, no siblings to talk to or to lean on. You and I are all he has in his family.

The past year has been an eye opener for me. It has been so difficult to know that you no longer want to be with me. The thought of not having you in my life any more is the most painful feeling I have ever experienced. But, thankfully, God has given me strength and I am allowing myself to put my life in His hands and trust in Him. He loves us both. He brought us together. He gave us our beautiful son. He is showing me the way and I know what I must do.

I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. I cannot continue to make these efforts until you end your relationship with OW. I want our marriage to work, but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until you have ended all contact with OW. It hurts so much to know I don’t have your heart and soul and see you sharing it with another. If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and when you have ended all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.

Until that happens, I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please do not contact me unless it is an emergency. Feel free to call Blake any time and set up visits. I am torn with asking you not to speak with me, but your continued contact with OW is eroding my love for you and has caused me deep pain.

I want us to be a team, as you always have wanted, and restore our marriage together. With God’s help we can begin to heal. I have been looking inside myself and asking for God’s help so that I may find the strength to endure and become the wife you want and need. I hope that you will seek God’s guidance as well.
I love you more than life itself, I hope you know that. There is no one else I’d rather spend my life with. I do not want to end our marriage. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to love you, talk with you, laugh with you, comfort you, and share in the joy of raising our son with you.


With all my love now and always,

wguy

I think that is much much better, but can you change the action paragraphs to something like this for the purpose of clarity - I think you need to have the sentence about "eroding love" in the first action paragraph because it is sort of buried further on:

"I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. Your continued contact with OW is eroding my love for you and has caused me deep pain.

It is because of this that I must ask that you not contact me until you have ended your relationship with OW. I want our marriage to work, but I must do this in order to preserve the remaining love I have for you.

When you have ended all contact with OW, please come talk to me.

Until that happens, I ask that you please respect my decision to have no contact. Please do not contact me unless it is an emergency. Feel free to call Blake any time and set up visits."

Can you shorten the last 2 paragraphs into 2 sentences? You already told him you love him and I don't think you should tell him this: "I hope that you will seek God’s guidance as well." It sounds condescending. Whatcha think?

Good idea Mel. I copied only the part I changed from the 4th paragraph on. I wasn't sure if that's where you suggested - the first action paragraph. Sorry, I couldn't quite shrink the last part into two sentences! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Here it is:


I am committed to our marriage, but it must be based on honesty, openness, and mutual respect and care for the other’s well being. I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those. Your continued contact with OW is eroding my love for you and has caused me deep pain. I want our marriage to work, but in order to preserve my love for you I must ask that you not contact me until you have ended your relationship OW.

It hurts so much to know I don’t have your heart and soul and see you sharing it with another. If you decide our marriage and family are what you want and when you have ended all contact with OW, then please come talk to me.
Until that happens, I ask that you please respect my decision to have no contact with you unless it is an emergency. Feel free to call S any time and set up visits. I am torn with asking you not to speak with me, but it is what I must do in order to preserve my love for you.

I want us to be a team, as you always have wanted, and restore our marriage together. With God’s help we can begin to heal. I have been looking inside myself and asking for God’s help so that I may find the strength to endure and become the wife you want and need. There is no one else I’d rather spend my life with. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to love you, talk with you, laugh with you, comfort you, and share in the joy of raising our son with you.

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

ok, that is good, but this sentence must go:

"I am torn with asking you not to speak with me, but it is what I must do in order to preserve my love for you."

I don't want him to sense ANY hesitation on this point. He needs to know that you are RESOLUTE. Because, Nid, he will most likely try to test your resoluteness in any way he can. Better to not let him see any hesitation on your part.

And are you prepared to be tested on this? Because I can almost guarantee you that he will look for ways to get you to break no contact. He NEEDS to have his Nid fix in order to continue his affair.