Hi,

I'm not happy about my current situation at all. My wife and the OM seem to be running rings around me at the moment and the littlest things they do bring me down big time. (see my other threads.) I feel low and useless at the moment and I really want to change this.

I suppose I want to take the power back.

I need to regain a little control in my life, even at this early stage, if I am to move on with my life. I still want to leave the door open for my wife to return if she realises she wants to be with me in the future but I am fed up of feeling worthless and second best. I really wanted to do a good plan A but it's just not happening. When my wife collected our son yesterday the whole process lasted less than a minute. In and out. She didn't even ask about my sons medicines and whether or not he had taken them. I had to send her an email this morning updating her on the meds. How can I plan A if she won't let me?

I talked with a very good female friend last night and updated her on my situation. I was thinking of going for a legal seperation but a lot of people have advised me against that. I think my wife and the OM are preparing something nasty for me. My wife wants the marriage certificate and my gut instinct tells me they are planning to spring a divorce on me. My friend suggested that I instigate the divorce. It's coming up to 6 weeks since my wife walked away from the marriage and I haven't achieved anything. I've kept my cool around her. I've remained polite and tried to be reasonable when I talk to her. I have stood up for myself and my son on a few occassions only to face the fog in full flow and it's not nice.

I feel that I need to get things moving.

If I ask for a divorce on the grounds of adultery will this kill any love my wife has left for me?

The divorce means nothing to me if I'm honest. I'm not religious and my wife has already broken her wedding vows to love and honour me until death do us part. If in the future we got back together and we were divorced then it would simply mean a fresh start for both of us.

If I instigated the divorce then I could really start plan B. Due to the fact that we have a young child our lives are intertwined but I could avoid seeing and talking to my wife unless an emergency with our child arose and in the meantime I could start moving on with my life. My wife wouldn't have this hold on me that she is abusing at the moment. I want my wifes relationship with the OM to move up a gear. I want them both to make mistakes which can't be traced back to me. Let them stand on their own two feet and not have me to fall back on. They can watch me from a distance and wonder. They can hear about my achievements from my son and mutual friends.

Will asking for a divorce make my wife hate me or will it cause her to slow down and think?

The OM will love me if I ask for a divorce. He will see it as my love for my wife dying. I'll be giving him what he wants on a plate but will it affect my wifes chances of coming back to me in the future? Will it affect how she views my love for her?

Thankyou.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Do you know what your legal options are? You can't even begin to make this decision until you know all the facts. Bottom line is, if you don't want a divorce you shouldn't file for one unless there is a legal reason you would need to do this to protect yourself and your son. Go talk to a lawyer and then once you have all the facts you can make the correct decision.

struggling..

drop the divorce talk...
tell friends that you are not going to be the one filing for a divorce...

keep your legal cousel and seek aggressively what rights you have in limiting sons exposure to OM...see here in the states...certain states from what I understand...in seperation contracts deny either spouse the right to expose to minor children to overnights and things with other PEOPLE...

see what rights you have ...what rights exist...
and what rights you may have to invent...

restraining order for son from OM...if you feel he is being mentally and emotionally harmed from having to "have" him in his life.....

what and how does stress play in to his medical condition.....

go for all of it...

but
but but

do not file for a divorce since you don't want one....

you have got to get grounded that in this universe YOU are not lovable or honorable based soley on your wifes love and honor....

that her dismissing you right now so readily does not MAKE you a dismissable person...

this is where you pull your head up stronger and breathe in and out...and know that in thought and in action you are doing the RIGHT thing for you and your child...and even your wife...

that her path right now is insane...
and she is moving way to fast..which in reality is a good thing...cause all this moving fast..is just of fill and ingnore the lack of noble acts that really exist....

all of this will catch up to them..
it is built on a house of cards of lies
and it will crumble....

you stand tall and true...

they will do all the insane things they choose to..
don't get sucked in to their drama you can't change it...they will have to self implode...

get your son in to counseling...
to teach him how to express his emotions...and thoughts to this great pain...

hold tight..

continue plan a while conitnueing to protect your son....

I would seriously seek counsel on sons exposure to this man....the belief that we can just introduce strange people in to our childrens lives and tell them to deal with it and to like it....
unbelievable....

ARK

Hi kloe, I have seen a solicitor and as I have proof of the affair I can divorce my wife on the grounds of adultery. I don't want to. That's the last thing I want. I have a few more legal appointments lined up but they are mainly to to check out all my options.

ark, once again thank you. I really like your posts. They are very calming and they do lift me up out of my misery.

....the belief that we can just introduce strange people in to our childrens lives and tell them to deal with it and to like it....
unbelievable....

And this is exactly what my wife is doing. My son is expected to 'get over it.' just like that.
This probably explains why he asks to talk to me at night and our conversations are deep and loving, almost profound, whilst he feels that he cannot talk to his own mother.

Unbelievable indeed!