I forgive you all for "threadjacking".

But I did read them all - sounds like "we agree to disagree" kind of a thing.

However, I still need some advice!!!

So in Plan A (which is where I guess I am) - No LBing; be calm and understanding; Don't ask questions; Don't make demands; just sit back and wait....try to be his best choice.

Am I on the right track?

If WH and the OW contact each other, then the A is back on... I'll just judge what is going on by his actions.

Remember, somehow WH had this A going for 2.5 years before I found out (he gave me her genital herpes). He moved to his apartment last November.

So I know how he had this A going while he was living in his apartment. But how did he keep this thing going when he was not living up there?

I know that if I send a letter to HR exposing the OW and the A at work, my WH will be furious! He will probably leave me.

The way things are going right now, it would almost be a relief to Plan B him, and let him spend some quality time with OW.

He thinks she is a moral, honorable woman. He just hates hurting her. She thought they were going to have a "life together"!

I know that he doesn't know the real her!

Like my daughter said "I don't care how much she hurts! This was all her choice!" I agree... moral, honorable people don't get involved with married people.

I guess that WH hasn't really made his choice yet, am I right?

Someone please help!!! (No threadjacking this time)

Oh K...I feel for you so much! did you read my response and my H's response to you? Please read it and re-read it! I honestly believe that he is still in contact with OW...I know how much it hurts!

As I said in your last thread, I was going to kick my H out last night for the exact thing...I did...He hates to be on his own...

You asked how they can have an A while still at home? They rent hotels rooms for 1/2 hour, they meet on the side of the road...they have lunch together! I cant tell you how many times my WH would call me to cover it up and say "I have a patient to see, I'll be home a little late" "OH, Ok dear, I 'll keep dinner warm for you" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Please be careful! Plan A does not mean you should not show your hurt and tell him how you feel, just do it in a non LB'ing way. I have gotten real good at this one!

Thanks Momto3boys

Yes, I did read your post. And I do believe he is still in contact with OW.

As I posted before, when I went throught his apartment, and found the "adultery" cell phones OW gave him, I looked and saw that he had "recieved" a call from her the night after he supposedly broke it off with OW. He was drunk... he had just called me and talked for one and a half hours, crying. Apologising.

But what do I do now?

And how do you let them know that you are hurt without LBing?

If I say anything about my hurt feelings or my pain, WH says "I know you're hurt! You don't have to keep bringing it up!"

This is the most mixed up thing I have ever been involved with!

HELP!!!!!! K

Does this letter sound okay?

Dear Human Resources:

My name is >>>>>

For the past 3 years ...... and my husband ..... have been having an affair.

My husband has tried to break it off with ....., however ....... has continued to contact my husband.

We are trying to reconcile our marriage.

These continued actions by ....... are destroying our family.

I also fear that there may be sexual harrassment charges brought up against my husband.

Sincerely, K

Is this a good exposure letter?

I know that if I send it and a copy to OW, she will let my WH know, and he will leave me.

AAAARRRGGGHHH!!

Bump to the top....

Need help please!!!!!!!! K

Hey!

I'm doing all the posting to my own thread?

This is by the way.... I have signed up for phone consultation with Steve Harley.

Hope it's soon! This has me spinning!!! K

Hi K! If you have signed up for phone counseling with SH, then get your money's worth and get his advice about contacting HR. Let him assess your situation before you do anything. I think contacting him was an EXCELLENT decision. You will love him!

Thanks Mel...

Hopefully my appointment will be this Thursday.

I will do nothing until then. I will just keep on being the most wonderful Plan A self that I can be!

Thanks to all who reply. Your support means so much to me.

K

Dear K,

The HR dept may not care about your request unless you include something to the effect that a serious illness has been brought to your home as a result. I know you don't want to say but it will tell them that they now have an employee who is a liability. You could also insinuate that you are not sure if there are any others at that place of employment who have been exposed to her illnesses. Hm...... that should put them in a quandry.

Make sure you have proof of your diagnosis. This is not something to be taken lightly.

You may want to consult with your lawyer & Steve H 1st.

Just a suggestion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by k72172:

And how do you let them know that you are hurt without LBing?

If I say anything about my hurt feelings or my pain, WH says "I know you're hurt! You don't have to keep bringing it up!"

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me try and set you straight.

Your H knows you are hurt by his actions. He has told you he does not care to hear it again.

Your hurt has ZERO effect on creating a desire in him to end the affair. ZERO. You can be hurt all you want ... he's going to continue to do what he's doing. He admitted this with his own words.

Now, this is what I want to know....

What other emotion do you allow your H to see in you besides hurt?

Aren't you angry about the affair? Doesn't this abuse of your good nature make you mad? Does your hurt ever morph into anger?

Let me tell you why I ask... your H can tolerate your hurt and it's fine with him ... and he has nothing to fear if you are hurt! NOTHING!

He's aware you are immobilized with your hurt. Yes, you are afraid to do anything except feel hurt because you FEAR he'll leave you.

He knows you are not going to do anything to put an end to this affair except hit him with your hurt time and time again.

Stop doing that. it hasen't worked so far, and it's not going to work in the future.

Your hurt has created a hole for yourself. You stand in a fear-hole. You wait for him to care that you hurt. It's important in your mind that he knows you hurt. .... WHY? He knows! He does not plan on changing his course based on the fact that you hurt.

Why is he not afraid you might leave him? Hmmmmmmmm? Why is he not afraid that his actions will cost him his wife? Hmmmm?

You don't need to LB to create some fear in him. But you do need to create some fear in him .... NOT with words... but with your plans .... start looking into living on your own. Just begin to nose around for some way to make it on your own. And start doing things without him. Go places. Spend the night away if necessary to put some fear into him. He's counting on you're being afraid.

What can you do to improve your chances of putting some fear into him for a change?

Your fear is hurting your marriage. If you ever make it to recovery, your fear will KILL recovery. Dump your fear today . Replace it with a new attitude.

This makes me sad... you said "Just sit back and wait" ..... as Dr. Phil might say: "How's that working for ya?"

Pep

Thanks Pep..

That's the kind of thing I do need to hear.

I have already split up our financial things, and have gotten my own checking account.

Two weeks ago I went to his sister's house....after I made him leave when I caught him calling her on his cell phone while we were running.

His sister would love for me to move up there (about 4 hours from here). She has even told WH how much I like it there, and how easy it would be for me to get a job there.

I have been angry over this whole thing. And I'm to the point where I've just about had it with the whole thing.

Need to get done with work now....am starting Yoga classes right after work tonight.

Thanks guys, I'm glad you're here to talk to. K