This is something that weaver wrote in another post and I wanted to talk about this because it really hit home for me:

<Herein lies the real destruction done by an affair...not the fear of being alone, not the overwhelming ache for them and the hate for them at the same time, but in the destruction of knowing what the truth is.>

My husband and I are in recovery and things are going well, but I have this deep seated fear that I cannot let my guard down and that if I believe the truth the way it is now again and fully open myself up again, that I may get disappointed and hurt again. We have talked about this with the counselor and both agree that in order for healing to take place, I need to let go. I fully understand this, but it is so hard. I really try, but I have build this safety net and little life for myself and it is extremely difficult to venture anywhere where I fear that I might get hurt again.

I do know that I will eventually need to learn to get over this if this marriage is supposed to work out and if we are supposed to have children together. I love my husband and I have forgiven him and I am committed to this marriage. I have developped a sense of trust in him again, but like weaver said in the statement above, I feel that the "truth", our foundation together, has been badly shaken and I live in constant fear that any of life's stresses or crises, could turn into another nightmare. This EA has brought out the worst in our relationship, but it has also shown us where the 'soft spots' were. Things that we did not deal with that were toxic to our marriage and things that were swept under the rug instead of dealt with. All that came out in the open and it was good.

I just wonder if I will ever feel the same again.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Kati:
I just wonder if I will ever feel the same again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, neither of you will ever be the same again. This experience has profound long-lasting effects.

You will find, that you do have control over how you grow from this experience. How will you use this experience to mold your future?

Pep

PS ... the term "get over this" is not appropriate to infidelity.

There is a going through it, and surviving, and thriving, but there is no "getting over" ... as if it were a viral infection.

Pep

Pep,

Last summer when I found this board and posted my story, you were one of the first people who replied to me. I had mentioned our intimacy problems and you said that I sounded like a scared little girl and that it was time for me to let the tiger in me come out. Those words really stuck by me and it changed our sex life. I don't want to go into details, but please rest assured that ALL issues that we had in the past are non-existant now. I'm a new woman who has discovered her sexuality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It still took months afterwards for my husband to let go of the EA and remain in NC. It is over now. I do know that he loves me a lot and he shows it every day.

In one of your recent posts, you wrote that you learned how to make your husband yearn for you again, want you again. This is what I have learned to do, too. It took for me to completely remove myself from the relationship to discover myself and build my own life to feel better and when I did that I felt that he became more interested in me again. In your posting earlier, you also wrote that you had to figure out if you wanted HIM again and sometimes I wonder if I may be going through this same struggle myself.

I have learned so much about myself, my relationship with my husband, intimacy, love, needs throughout all of this and technically I should feel confident that I am capable to make things work with all the tools that I have been given and that I have shared with him.

Maybe it's just a matter of time...

Thanks!
Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> [QUOTE]

How will you use this experience to mold your future?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

In your posting earlier, you also wrote that you had to figure out if you wanted HIM again and sometimes I wonder if I may be going through this same struggle myself.

Yeah, that's true for me.

I need a man I can respect and look up to. It took awhile for me to grow a great deal of respect for him.

This seems a pretty good situation for you actually.

Pep

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I guess it may take a while for this feelings to return? I used to really look up to my husband. He was my rock, the one person that basically knew everything about me, my deepest fears/secrets etc. and those are some of the things about me that he told OW. I find it so difficult to share things about me with him again. He gets really sad about it, but right now I cannot help it. I feel vulnerable when I'm with him. It's not that I do not enjoy being with him, but I guard my heart carefully.

Do you believe that there is ever a chance of it actually being better than before and to get back the feeling like he is my rock?

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Yeah, that's true for me.

I need a man I can respect and look up to. It took awhile for me to grow a great deal of respect for him.

This seems a pretty good situation for you actually.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sure it's possible... but it's earned on his behalf.

Try finding something that you admire about him every day. Write it down and pass it to him like in a note, or whisper it in his ear.

If he's anything like my H .... he'll drool all over you once you do this...

And he will want to keep the compliments comming.

Pep

Hey girls, great thread. The first time I went out of town by myself after H came home, he couldn't sleep. That NEVER happened before. Ever. And last weekend when I was gone, it happened again. I said, "Why now? Why not before?" And he said it might have been that way before, but he didn't notice. He says he appreciates me and holds me more dear now than he ever did before. Hmmmmmm. . . I like that!

Anyway, Kati, Pep, I am worried about our SadMarylandLady. I know it is a process she must go through on her own:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It took for me to completely remove myself from the relationship to discover myself and build my own life to feel better and when I did that I felt that he became more interested in me again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">as you put it so wonderfully, Kati. But she is pregnant, and that complicates everything, in my mind. I don't know. Pep, a couple of your posts to me, along with some from ark and star*fish, have really stuck with me all these months. I am hoping soon someone will be able to say something to SML that will really ring true with her as well.

We have all learned such profound lessons, through such intense pain. Hmmmmm . . . Perhaps those are the best lessons.

SS

SS & Pep,

My husband just got back from a long business trip and he called me several times a day. I think he really missed me. I feel that the more I withdraw from him, the closer he wants to be with me. I guess, it's that ol' chasing mentality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I don't think men ever grow out of it...

Regarding lessons learned, I do feel that I've become a better person throughout all of this. I've really learned to listen to people and I think this has made be a better friend as well to people. I also think that working through something like this has immensely heightened my intuition and I'm no so easily fooled anymore. This does not just pertain to my husband and my marriage, but to people in general. One learns a great deal when emotional pain is involved. I truly feel like an adult now, eventhough being an adult really sucks sometimes... Especially on days like today when it sunny and 75 degrees outside!

I truly understand where SML stands, but it must be a lot tougher being in this position when you are pregnant. I will try my best to continue to post to her and I hope that things will work out for her.

Kati

Hi K,

I have not been where you are, and I don't knonw exactly how you feel, but from my reading here It seems to me that most of the worried feelings you describe go away somewhere between two and three years.

There are reasons it gets better and they are largly a result of what you both learn.

Communication improves. Both of you should be able to speak up when things bother you. You should be resolving problems using POJA, and finding ways to have win/win situations, not win/loose.

You should know how to stay in love - following Dr Harleys rules of time together and protection of one anothers feelings.

As you go along you will both do better at avoiding LB's, and the result will further increase your love for each other.

I think you understand about the time it takes, and why, but it's hard sometimes as you go along.

SS