Spoke to WW Father (FIL) on Friday. He has been asking to speak with me so I finally returned his call. He said that he doesn't see WW and I getting back together (how does he know?). FIL asked me if he could get WW and I together and talk about separation/D. FIL said he does not want WW to stay with them (FIL & MIL) forever. FIL said that WW tells him that I will not talk to her (i haven't >2 months). I told FIL ok, but after thinking about it this seems like he is pushing the issue with WW. Is this good that WW is getting to feel what it is like to deal with making up her mind about us? Or is this bad that she maybe getting pressured about our relationship by someone else other that me?

After this conversaion with FIL I slipped up bad and called WW to tell her that she needs to cover her car insurance since I will not be paying it anymore. I had sent her a note 3 weeks ago about it but for liability reasons that thought I better confirm with her verbally. This was a big mistake, since I now feel very depressed again. At the end of out conversation I told WW that I loved her and hung the phone up. Right after I hung up WW called. I didn't pick up the phone. She left a message asking me to call her which I did not do, should I, I wonder what she wants to say??????

thanks to those who read this long venting post!

I assume you sent her a Plan B letter so she knows the conditions under which you will speak to her again? I definately would cancel that meeting with your FIL. Tell him you are not interested in a D and will not discuss one with him. If he does not want WW living with him that is their problem, not yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder what she wants to say?????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only one way to find out, isn't there?

I don't know your story, RPositive, so I feel a little weird making observations, BUT....

You seem to want a reconciliation, but you're unwilling to talk. As I said, I don't know your story, but it would seem to me that you need to make up your mind about what you want.

If you want to reconcile, then talking is required. It's like the blood supply to an organ...without it, the organ/relationship will whither and die. Do you think that by NOT talking to her you will somehow force her hand? Unfortunately, that will probably work, but not in the way you want it to.

As to the FIL, it's none of his business, nor is it his place to be talking about the D, or a pending D. If he doesn't want his DD to live with him, then that's an entirely seperate issue. She can live somewhere else without being D'd. Don't automatically accept that the two have to go hand in hand.

~sm~

kloe72 & sm,

thanks for the input!

I did send her a PBL in may '04 with the NC with OM stated in it. WW actually told me it was a nice letter?

Yes, i have to agree with both of you.....not meeting with the FIL. I think I was glad to talk to someone so close to WW that i wasn't thinking clearly. Just like when I told WW that i love her at the end of the phone call, needy, very needy.

How do you know when it is safe to speak with a WS? In PB shouldn't contact WW, true? Part of me agrees w/ SM that you need to communicate with a WS but, maybe i am avoiding conflict by not speaking to her which isn't good ether.

My Story:
M = 23 yrs Aug 22, 04
Kids: 2, 20 yr and 14 yr
DD: Aug. 23, 1999
EA & PA w/ coworker
Plan A Nov 99 - Dec 03
Plan B May 04 WW moved in w/ parents

thanks!

Hi rpositive,

When you are in a Plan B,no contact with the WS is important.As many here can attest to,when you do contact the WS,even for a moment,it can set you WAY back emotionally.The only time you should be discussing anything with the WW is if she follows your Plan B guidelines.You have kids that are older so you can still parent them separately without much interaction at all.An intermediary can help with relaying information about the kids.

Also,if I may say so,you did Plan A way too long.Two years is PLENTY of time for your WW to figure herself out and decide what she wants.All she has done is string two men along for her pleasure.What Dr.Harley recommended in his book SAA was 6 months of Plan A for a WW and then 18 months of Plan B,if the WS didn't change their selfish actions then a D was the next step.Some people can go longer than that I suppose but IMO I really do not see any benefit whatsoever.

So,in essence you should not talk to WW or even her family right now and explaining to them why can possibly help them understyand and not pressure you as the FIL might attempt.

You've been at this for a long time now so if you really want any chance at recovery,you have to make your WW miss you.You have to look like you are moving along with your life and are not crushed by her painful actions.

Simple Minded's suggestion isn't quite along the lines of the philosophy of Dr.Harley.You can talk to your WW when she agrees to PBL recommendations.You have already given your WW your time,attention,energy and ears,among other things,for the past 2 years.That could go on forever if YOU let it.She has NO reason to change if the situation remains the same.

O

rpositive, Octobergirl is right, you shouldn't break Plan B to talk to her or you just defeat the entire purpose of Plan B. If you break Plan B, you just give her the fix she needs to continue and ruin your credibility.

Hopefully you told your W that contact would only resume once her contact with the OM ended. You really need to stick to that if you want it to ever happen.

Plan B means YOU DON'T CALL HER ON THE PHONE!

Outsiders that say they don't see you and WW getting back together have been breathing from the fog machine themselves. They don't know the situation as deeply as you do, and they accept what WW says at face value. Once they give up on your M, you have to dismiss the things they say just as you dismiss the things the foggified WW says. They are trying to help her end the M for their own convenience. There is nothing good for you in this proposed meeting. Say no way Jose.

GC

Octobergirl, MelodyLane and graycloud,

Thanks for the kick in the #@*.

O, "even for a moment,it can set you WAY back emotionally". True very, verrrrry true. after speaking to her i've been down. u think i'd learn after all this time. but....

ML, i think i will send her the NC letter again, since i didn't mention it when i talked with her. this car insurance payment issue really seemed to stir-up the bottom.

GC, "been breathing from the fog machine themselves." this made me laugh, thanks. i agree that will tell FIL and any others no thanks! it's all WW about facing the music no matter who's singing it.

r