My WW is absolutely mad right now BUT the shred of rationality she has left has her living with me and the kids under our roof in a civil but affectionless and tense-ish atmosphere.

Now reading SAA and this fine Website along with other folks' help and assistance I worked out that theres every chance of plan A working for us.

WW has done her best so far to mainbtain NC ( I beleieve) BUT she doesn't know she's on Plan A. She just thinks shes hanging around pining for OM while we wait for feelings of 'love' for OM to disappear by magic while feelings for ME are rekindled.

In truth I have a slender hope that plan A will work and WW will drop out of the fog BUT my WW has no hope at all of anything other than she is certain that she needs to see OM at least even non sexually and that she will always be just as frustrated, sad and missing him, and unloving of me as she is now. she doesn't seem to know or value NC. I have pointed out that if she wants to be with him, she should go but she wants to stay for now and 'try to work on our marriage'. Poor girl doesn't know what that means - aliens have her brains remember.

How does plan A work when the WW doesn't know they're in Plan A ?

It may be plan A to US but to WW it is hanging around with me being unusually nice and attentive when she absolutely doesn';t want me to be without any great onjective.

Do they start to de-fog at some point as part of plan A even if they don't know they're in it ?
Any help gratefully received. Thanks

Bob - she isn't on Plan A - you are.

She's either still in the affair or in withdrawal.

Don't try to control or manipulate her. She's likely still beaming back and forth to the mothership and as a result is unpredictable and, as you stated, has only a shred of rationality left at the moment.

Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

WW has done her best so far to mainbtain NC ( I beleieve)
If the affair is over, then Plan A should end.

BUT she doesn't know she's on Plan A.
Not something she should “know”. It’s just something you do.

Now is when you should be using MB and the POJA to start to identify needs and how to meet them.

I have pointed out that if she wants to be with him, she should go
Why in the world would you say this? Don’t you want to be married? Or is it okay if she continues her affair?

she wants to stay for now and 'try to work on our marriage'. Poor girl doesn't know what that means - aliens have her brains remember.
At least she is saying it. Have you both discussed what it means to each of you?

How does plan A work when the WW doesn't know they're in Plan A ?
Plan A is the elimination of Lovebusters as well as negotiating an end the affair.

Have you read, “Surviving An Affair”?
Have you read, “His Needs, Her Needs”?

Thanks WAT. ts clear now that plan A dictates MY behaviour, not WWs.
So does that mean I sit back and let her attend these tournaments where OM will certainly be at the end of the month ?I want to tell her that its a bad idea because if she intends to go I will have to expose the A to OM GF and her 'hero' Karate coach whose disappointment will be stern, despite him being no moral example.

Is that a threat ? Hard to sit around and wait for this crazy woman to decide NOT to stick a knife in my heart. I just can't believe she would even consider it right now. Doesn't she THINK how it will hurt for her to be with OM in public?
My instinct is to have a blazing row about this OR to drag her off on a forced "vacation" for the weekend but neither make any sense at all.

Your sage advice appreciated WAT & others.

Thanks all.

On D-day I asked WW what she wanted to do - leave me or stay. She said she didn't know. Within 24 hours she told me she wanted to try to make our marriage work. She avers that she has been in NC since then, so does OM. She says the A is over but she thinks that just not having sex with him is an end to the A. She can't countenance making the huge changes to her life required to avoid ever seeing OM again. She is heavily involved in sport and OM is sort of the "King" of her sport in the UK. She would need to give up any 'senior' participation to avoid him and right now she doesn't value our marriage enough to commit to that. 'sides she doesn't know how A's work like we do and she thinks she's met her soul mate and will never stop loving him. She's in a hopeless place my poor WW an she can't be taught anything yet.

So from that I assess that my W is in withdrawal, I am in plan A and I need to avoid LBs at all costs while also trying to ensure NC.

Tough gig, this BS thing....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>I want to tell her that its a bad idea because if she intends to go I will have to expose the A to OM GF and her 'hero' Karate coach whose disappointment will be stern, despite him being no moral example.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait a minute!

You haven't exposed it yet?

What are you waiting for?

Besides that, you cannot control whether she goes anywhere. You can state your pain and hurt, but you cannot prevent her from going. Don't try.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't she THINK how it will hurt for her to be with OM in public?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. She's only thinking of herself, and that's very near sighted.

Remember, you're not dealing with a rational person. Don't try to use normal rational thought when evaluating what she's thinking. It won't work.

WAT

WAT I have tried to expose to the OM GF today but all I have is a first name and their home phone number so theres a lot of 'click ! brrrr', going on.

I haven't exposed to WW sports coach yet because he is a serial amoral womaniser who would certainly not be any help in preventing contact. As a great friend of OM he may even provide a cover. The threat of exposure is more useful as WW really values his approval.

I have exposed to family & selected mutual friends.

If I knew better how to contact OM GF I would do that right now. I am trying to get a way to do this. Its hard though, OM is long experienced at As remember.