First I want to apologize that I'm unsure of some of the shorthand used here. I can't find a legend or something that tells me what some of the acronyms mean. I'll give it a try.

I found out about my WH on March 25, 2004. April was a rough month, but I felt as though things were better. Then one day in May we had a long talk and agreed to stay together and rebuild our relationship but that he needed to talk to OW to end things. OW is a coworker and still is. I do believe him when he says that he has not been seeing her except at work. And the few times he has asked to "help" her. You see, my WH was raised in a broken family and for some reason "feels" her plight in life. She is divorced with 2 children and has had a hard time. BTW we have two beautiful boys who are most definetely my main concern. He wants to be her friend and has given her a ride to work when her car broke down, helped with a chore at her house (while she wasn't home), and rescued her when she had a flat tire. All, btw, with my approval. He did call and ask me if he could help her. I know he needs NC, but he has been unwilling to look for a new job. He has the job that he has wanted all his life, and it is a great one. He just reached a level of which I am very proud. This should be the happiest time of our lives.

We have had "I thought" a wonderful summer of rebuilding things between us. I had become preoccupied with being a mom and managing home and a part-time consulting business. I have been giving him tons of love, expecially sexual and more care and attention. He says I shouldn't try so hard. I say what else can I do?

Now, here is my problem. I have sensed his dispair even though he won't really talk about it so I have been asking if he wants to talk that I'm here, etc. He has seemed happy but depressed at the same time. And I know how hard it is for him to see her everyday. I have been pressing lately for him to find a new job. I think I have pressed too hard. He has turned cold and distant again. He says he loves me, but that it is not fair to me when he still thinks about her. He wants to go away so he can think things through. He is so torn and lost. I love him and it is an awful thing to see. He won't talk to anyone - keeps everything bottled up inside.

What is my best approach now? I've reminded him how devestating his family life was. Which I think he is now trying to rationalize that it wasn't all that bad. But for years he has told me how bad it was. His mother and his two sisters have been married more times that I can count. He and I always thought that somehow he had turned out different. I think that he is having trouble forgiving himself for something he swore he would never do. He says that no matter what he does there will be total chaos. If he leaves - total chaos. If we move away - total chaos.

I'm devastated again like I was the first night I found out. He seems so fragile. What should my next step be. BTW, we both read "His Needs, Her Needs" during April and May, and I think that is what has got us this far.

BS (me)-38
WS - 38
Married 10 years
2 DS (8 yrs and 4 yrs)
OW - 40 something divorced 2 kids

NG,
You're not going to recover as long as he is still in contact with OW.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants to be her friend and has given her a ride to work when her car broke down, helped with a chore at her house (while she wasn't home), and rescued her when she had a flat tire </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He should have been her FRIEND from the beginning, but those boundaries have been totally disregarded, he doesn't get the "reward" of her friendship now.

He won't go withdrawal from her until she is OUT OF THE PICTURE.

Right now he seems to be in his own pity party. He wants everyone to believe he has no choices and is destined to lie in the bed that he made.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has the job that he has wanted all his life, and it is a great one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, if his job was so valuable, he wouldn't have enlisted himself in this A in the first place. You know the old saying...you don't SH#T where you eat ?

This behavior and attitude with him will continue as long as he is still in contact with OW.

No Contact means No Contact. She's still apart of his life, every day.

Start reading more here, you'll find a lot of the same answers and replies.

NC is NC. <----THAT is your issue...period.

With NC, the rest will repair in it's own time.

Thanks for the support. I know that he needs total NC. I've tried and pleaded with him. He knows it too. I guess I've got to wait for him to decide what he really wants. He wants to leave, but doesn't want to leave. I guess he is in the fog I've seen talked about here.

I guess I just need to continue to make things happy here, but it is almost like he views my efforts as annoying. And I'm such an emotional person. It is hard for me to not show my feelings. I think this is what has started these last 2 days of his fog. Before that he "seemed" to be doing better. But I know we were just fooling ourselves.

Thanks, it helps to vent these things and to read that I'm not the only one.

Naivegirl,
Tell your H that he needs to stop being this "Woman's Knight in Shining Armor" It is doing nothing but making your chances for recovery very low.

It definitely sends the OW a mixed message. He needs to be very clear that his marriage, his wife and his kids come first. He needs to send a NC letter immediately. If possible he should look for a new job. If not feasible he should have NC with her at work unless in the poresence of a unbiased third party ie not OW's best friend at work.

BTW, was it a PA or had it only developed to the EA point?

Mac

The A had been going on for a year when I discovered it in March. I had no idea and was completely blindsided one night. Without going into every detail, I found out quite by accident. I figured it out because I knew about the initial incident with this woman. He had an encounter with her that he stopped before it went too far and told her that he loved me. Then he came home and told me about it. So, stupidly, I forgave him and didn't really mention it again. And, regretfully, I did not try to work on being a better wife. We both needed to work on taking care of each other's needs. I wish I could have found Dr. Harley's book last year. My WH has a hard time expressing feelings. And I have always bugged him about it, but I know now that I was going about it all the wrong ways. Anyway, he was confused about that encounter but instead of talking to me about any mixed feelings he was having, he goes to see her and of course you can figure it out from there. One of his comments about her was that he could talk to her about stuff at work, which is highly stressful. I always try to ask him about work and the only answer I get is "Busy. Just the usual. Nothin special." On occasion, he will really talk to me and unload months worth of problems/feelings. Also, he says that this is not about me - It is just something that happened. I say - How can it not be about me if it effects me in this horrible, wretched way?

BTW, this is a woman that for years he did not even like. In fact, he almost quit his job she irritated him so much.

He would love for me to talk to her and be her friend (how funny is that!) He knows that won't happen. It is a classic case of wanting us both.

I do truly believe that he tries to have as little contact with her at work as possible. But he says that it is awful because they just try to ignore each other.

I really believe he needs to talk to someone other than me (i.e. Priest (I am Catholic - he has issues with organized religion) or a counselor). But I don't think he will. He keeps saying he'll think about it. I advised him this morning to call his sister (who left her husband and 5 children for another man several years ago) and see what advice she would give after that horrible ordeal. I also told him to call his mother. She is the only other person who knows any of this.

Thanks for the support.