OK, I threw myself a pity party. I let my depression and frustration get the best of me. I gave myself a weekend to pout and now I think I'm out of my own type of FOG....where I did my own version of rewriting history and dwelling on the wrongs I've suffered in all of this.

The fact is I am doing everything I can to save my marriage bar....MC. That's a big part of recovery and to throw in the towel now would be throwing away everything I've done thus far and there's still the small fact that I love my H very very much.

So here's my plan. No LB's, no more pity parties, MC...NOW!...even if my H can't go. Prayer, prayer and more prayer.

As the 1st anv of the A is fast approaching I now know that I have to be prepared for the date triggers and I cannot allow myself to focus on the past but I need to focus on my future and learning from the past...not being stuck in the past.

I know that I need to get my H to open up to me more about his feelings and learn to meet my ENs. I'm not sure how to do that but I am hoping MC will help.

Things could be worse....right? (The topic line is a quote from The Jerk...that's how I would sum up my actions...as a jerk.)

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: heroswife ]</small>

Good girl.

Anything less and I'd have to get rough with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have two beautiful daughters and they need you to put in your best effort.

I wish I could help more with the recovery aspects. Maybe this is of some help: be thankful you have a chance! That's something I didn't have (even though I'm better off now).

WAT

Ah WAT....

If I read this last week (The Jerk Heroswife) would say...what if I'd be better off?!?! That's the first question I ask myself when the pain sets in.

But I'm over that and I know that I could convince myself I'd be better off for only a few weeks....then I'd realize that I would have been better off if I finished what I started and that's saving my M and building a better one.

I have to focus on the facts at hand and I'll need help reminding myself of these moving forward...I'm famous for FOG'n them out of my mind:

The A is over.
My H is very very sorry.
My H assures me of his love on a daily basis.
He is here with me now.
He exposed Sua Sponte to his chain of command.

That's not a bad place to be in recovery.

I read another thread where you were mussed up a bit...it made me angry. I read a retraction by the musser upper a few posts later. I wondered why you let him off the hook so easy. I wondered why you didn't ask what was so unique about the situation. I guess I should have posted that topic myself but the fog on that thread was so thick I was afraid of being attacked myself.

Vetrans like you deserve respect and admiration. The pain you have endured would have earned you a million medals in the war on A.

"...and this lamp, and this chair." I haven't seen that for such a long time, I probably don't even have the right sequence.

The grief has stages and is a process, you probably just went through the depression stage.

I no longer note the anniversaries of the PA starting, the D days, separations, or the day I served divorce papers. Since I still post frequently, I'll sometimes realize I'm on or near one, but, for me there were so many that it would be exhausting to keep track of them...so I've let all of them go.

I think everytime the date comes to your mind you should answer it with "I don't need to remember that." You will probably remember this year, but in a couple years hopefully it will slide by.

Lor - who cares about the sequence...you got my meaning and that's all that matters to me.

You are right. I did go through a depression stage. I think it might be helpful for me to track these times because I'm seeing a cycle. If I can get a handle on the cycle there are things I can do to prevent it. When my dad passed away I found that once I realized the cycle of my depression I was able to work through it by doing simple things to distract me enough to avoid depression. That's the approach I'm going to take now.

So today instead of cleaning my house I went to the gym and did 3 miles on the treadmill knowing I'm going back tonight to do free weights with my H. I work from home and have recently started house keeping during my lunch hour....another reason I may have been feeling depressed lately. Working out makes me feel better and it's something I let go pre-A because I felt guilty for being away from my family. Now I know I need to do it for me and it's OK to take some time for myself.

I need that Moms need that!

So thanks for posting Lor and letting me know you 'got' my topic line. I thought it might confuse some people.

HW,
Oh yes, I got your reference...I might even go look for The Jerk to rent, I doubt my kids have seen it.

Good for you getting back to exercise. I skipped a couple weeks and the next thing I knew I was needing 10 hours of sleep and a nap if possible.

Now I've set a goal, my H has deployment leave at the end of Oct and I want muscle definition to show him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> and I've exercised in some way 8 days in a row (the gym with stairmaster & weights, other days walking, lawncare).

It is important, especially if you can cope better, that helps your kids too.

Taking control of your thoughts, emotional triggers, and your actions is a great thing to do.

I went to IC when my H wouldn't go. He later joined me for MC, then did some IC on his own and we finished with 8 months of being in the C's couples Bible study. You might find if you go without your H, if your H sees you making improvements he'll be more interested to take part.

I think most BSs have enough issues to go to IC.

Lor -

That's an excellent idea. I think I'll rent the movie for my kids. I'm sure my oldest would love it. She loves Uncle Buck and I think The Jerk is similar comedy. It'll be a good Friday night date at the house.

So yesterday I went to the gym twice. Once during lunch to get away from my desk....3 miles on a treadmill and abs. I went again last night with my H...2 more miles on the treadmill, thighs and abs. I felt like a million bucks this morning. I'm going to do the same today. It's like working out is a cheap anti-d. I hadn't been to the gym in a week or 2 and I'm sure that allowed me to get to my depressed state.

H and I talked again last night about our future. He leaves next month for at least 4 weeks. If he passes the physical tests he will be asked to go to another 6 months of training. If he does well he will be invited to join the unit. That means we would move from here as early as November.

Never ye fret though, he has a back up plan. If, for whatever reason, he does not do well, we know 100% that we will leave here. He confirmed that yesterday with his boss (FOW). Our back up plan is that we will join a unit in Hawaii. He has friends there in the same field and they have offered to help him come there if he does not make the unit he is trying out for.

That's good news. I don't think there would be anything better then to put an ocean between my family and FOW. I'm going to hope that he makes the unit he trying out for because I know that's what he really wants to do but either way I will not be crushed.

So Lor your H is coming home in October?!?! That's wonderful. I'm sure you are excited. I know how it feels to be seperated and I'm sure the fact that you are recovering from an A has to make it so much more difficult. Do you have a Family Support Group through your H's unit where you get information on what he's doing?

You know, I say "I'm better off." You met my new love. She's a gem. I marvel everyday at how fortunate I am to have her in my life. I really believe I personally am better off.

But my son isn't.

He has been irreparably harmed. He spends half his life living with two alien abductees. Two liars and cheats. He cannot possibly benefit from being around those two - until he gets wiser and learns from their mistakes.

I wish I had a chance to prevent my son from being in this situation. If it meant me struggling through recovery and possibly being unhappy for a long time, I'd do it without hesitation for his sake.

I know you're gonna hang tough because you see your daughters full time and you know what's best for them.

WAT

WAT -

I completely understand. I will say that your new love is a gem in every sense of the word.

When it comes to your son I can tell you that your goodness will shine through. He may not realize the impact all of this is having on him but I can promise you that when he comes out on the other side of this (adulthood) it'll be his father's strength that he will remember.

My parents are divorced. My mother tried to get me to hate my father. She swore to me that he was a drunk and only wanted me to love him to hurt her. She made me feel guilty for loving him. It was very confusing. I did not find out that my father didn't start drinking until after my mother left him...taking me and my sister. I never knew that. I found that fact out the day my father died. I had no reason to believe my father wasn't always a drunk...that's all I ever knew of him.

When my H had the A I thought of my dad and how he must have felt when my mother walked out on him. She had several boyfriends and I'm sure he knew that...though I never really talked to him about it. He couldn't fight for us or fight for custody because he couldn't read or write and knew no judge would give us to him. So fast forward 20 years...he drank himself to death living in the house he built for my mother. The floor had rotted out and he had no electricity. He slept in his truck in the front yard mostly but would go inside on the really cold nights.

Having said all of that I can tell you I now understand how my father got to the place that killed him. He might as well have died the minute my mother left him. I loved him so much and made sure he knew that. I never let my mother's rantings change the feelings I had for him and I never doubted the love he had for me.

So, you see WAT, it doesn't matter what your ex-W does now...your son will never doubt your love and will respect you for your actions no matter what. I would be willing to bet that you are his rock. The aliens will no doubt have some influence on him but once he's old enough to understand the circumstances reality will set in and there will be nothing your ex-W can do to change that reality.

She may not feel it now but regret will set in and she'll have to deal with that sooner or later. By then I hope you and "Gem" are sailing around the world with your grandchildren in your arms and your son at your side.

I don't doubt for a minute that you are better off! Maybe I jumped to the grandchildren too soon...you and "Gem" are far too young to be grandparents! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks, HW - but my baby brother already has a grandchild! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WAT

Heroswife, read my posts on recovery and you might notice the pattern that both you and I have been going through. I am trying hard today to get defogged myself.

Wat, I needed to read what you wrote about doing whatever you would have had to endure to recover for your son's sake. I have been in a very selfish mode, pretty much sabotaging any progress made, and definitely not thinking about my boys. Hopefully the damage done can be repaired. I also am trying to be kind to myself because I think these stages we BSs go through are part of the process. Thanks! CV

CV and HW - I know I can't fully appreciate how hard marital recovery is. I bet it's a LOT harder than an individual recovery like mine. I frequently consider myself fortunate that I DON'T have to go thru what you're doing. End the end, all things considered, I got a really good deal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But outside of our selves, I know you know this: your children are precious. You do not want to know what it's like to miss your child, knowing he/she's under the influence of people of abysmal integrity.

WAT

I know the kids are better off with us together WAT! I actually would sometimes have the evil thought of the torture OW would have had to endure being with 2 angry teenage boys if H had ended up with her. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have been too fond of her. I asked Steve Harley once, "Why should I stay with H? This man who has caused me so much pain?" His answer, "Because he's the father of your children." They are probably the main reason we are here together still. They were a huge influence on H to not dive into his fantasy world with OW. And for me, when I have really wanted to chuck this whole M, I realize what it would do to them. I just have really lost my focus. Thanks again! I'll try to remember your words during this nutso phase I'm going through. CV

glad you were able to get focused again, counseling even if it's just you it will help you find clarity. there are many of us throughout the various stages of this "race" who are just going to counseling ourselves. i'm sure you've heard the old saying that if what you are doing isn't working then time to try something else. just don't forget the best counselor of all, God. he's always available, he's free, and he's always right. start and end each day w/prayer and talk to God, he knows your heart but sometimes wants you to tell him anyways.

stay the course, you are capable of more than you ever dreamed of, do what you can, when you can, and for as long as you can and have fun w/your paddle game! continued prayers to you in your recovery, RR

PS i really think that once you (both of you) are away from the OW things will change.