I am about the most broken I have ever been in my life, it is difficult for me to even write about this without crying. I don't know what is going on with me but I am a mess.

A few years ago I read Dr. Harley stuff...and periodicaly since. I recognized the struggle my h and I were both in and the patterns that had set up in the marriage. We weren't meeting each other emotional needs...which led to distance, resentment, withdrawal, etc. However, I did engage in plan A seems like forever, but really about 6 months before any change began to take place. We grew closer for a while but not enough to eliminate or encourage a cooperative policy of joint agreement. Hopefully I continued with plan A while asserting my boundary lines and discussing my needs again. He did start addressing some of my needs but often it felt as if it were on a duty list for him. Usually I could sense his disatisfaction with spending time with me... He would rather have been playing cards...fishing, hunting, four-wheeling...basically antything. Conversation dwindled and quietness began to enter me. I could feel myself giving up. Any attempt to address why I was quiet would end in a lovebusting session for us both, especially the last year. But I still had hope...
This past March I found out (he travels with his job)he and his boss had numerous calls to escorts, supposedly for a :modeling" position they had started using during the shows. The traffic volume doubles when they use a model, thereby exposing the products, etc.

Next I found out they had also been visiting strip clubs, which was a very well-known line crosser within my marriage. I am utterly devastated...depressed...just very lost and hurt.

He swears he has never betrayed me, but in my heart he has. He is on his knees now, with his hat in his hand begging for another chance to win me back. To regain my trust... Saying and doing all the things I needed him to do over the past 15 years. I'm so hurt and distraught by all this I feel like I'm doing good if I go a day without crying, but I'm a mess. I want to believe him but I'm scared to death. I have been hurt by his lack of attention over the past years and exhausted with plan A. I can't give him very much right now although I want to. Part of me wants to jump up and down because he is here now. But then the images I have in my head and my continued search for what exactly has taken place...it just hurts. Can anyone offer some ideas or thoughts on overcoming the pain of it all? Thank you.
nothingleft

Call Steve Harley and get phone counseling ASAP. There are also MB programs you could both benefit from.

Ques: Why is he changing now?

All the best.
L.

I think your marriage is very salvageable. Look at all the people here whose spouse does not have any interest in saving the marriage.

Would your husband consider posting here?

Orchid,
I don't know why he is changing now... He knew if I ever found out that leaving him would be an almost inevtible response of mine. In fact, I told him on several occasions I would consider a strip club the same as an affair. He swore he would never go there...never had been...and had no desire to go there. But he did...and he lied about it on many occassions...denied it, etc. I begged him to tell me the truth so that I wouldn't hear from someone else. I begged him to not humiliate me this way, after I found out about the models and phone calls to the escorts. This alone was devastating to me...it literally crumbled me. I was hospitalized two weeks after I found out due to dehydration... Just shocked out of my mind. These behaviors are so out of characteristic for him, but no way around it, there is a reason he went.

I've thought about my physical attractiveness and sexual desire... I have three kids but have worked my guts out to maintain my figure. I am always at my best when he comes home, not so much for him but for me. My sexual desire has never been higher. We both enjoy our sexual relationship...it's incredible. I never turn him away...instead, I am always more willing than he.

Part of me feels like he has just woke up. That is what he says anyway. He says he didn't realize how much I meant to him until he thought he was going to lose me. But I have always thought about what he means to me...never once considered engaging in a behavior such as strip clubs. I have been as loyal to him, even when he was not to fun to be around. The week prior to me finding out, I had ask him to leave because I couldn't take being nothing in his life anymore. I was of no concern...but now...I'm his only concern.

I am afraid...I can't bare the thoughts of being this crushed again or reminding him everyday that he has hurt me. If someone loves you...they just do. I shouldn't have had to jump through all the hoops I have jumped through, just to get his attention. If he really loved me...I would have always been important...He would have always needed to spend quality time with me. Now his behavior is just confusing. I don't even know what is real anymore... Only God can help me because I don't have the strength any more to do anything.

Believer,
You are so encouraging...but I don't think he would consider posting here... I tried once, a long time ago to talk about MB, but it was met with a very negative attitude. I suppose because he was still in denial that he wasn't as committed to this relationship as I was. POJ would cramp his lifestlye quite dramatically. I feel sarcasm seeping into my thoughts... Anyway, thank you both for responding. I guess in a way, I have been running from this for a few years myself. Always thinking and trusting the bond and love we once felt, now look at this mess. Thank you.
nothingleft...

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: nothingleft ]</small>

Read the 5 stages of grieving link in my sig thread.

L.

Orchid,
I read the five stages thread and cried for quite a while after. I agree I am experiencing the death of this relationship and realizing I wasn't what he had told me I was to him. I drew such strength from believing when push come to shove...he would chose me and what we had was real. I am so lost... Thank you for your kind support... I am hurting so so much.
nothingleft