Well the last 48 hours have been a wirlwind of activity. OW is gone! Hubby and I ahve been spending a lot of time together and while it is slow at times - we are mving on the same path again.

No longer wants a D and looking forward to the future.

Some of you may wonder what happen -

So here goes. You must first realize that this EA began as a friendship 6 years ago. It wasn't intil 2 years ago when I had a one night stand with an old flame did it become more. The have not seen each other and it has been an extrememly satisfying relationship for DH. The probelm with our first two attempts to recover was that he wqas rushed into gonig NC for me - he did because I demanded it. He felt lousy - having become a dear friend to this OW. He didn't do it to return love to me or to work on our relationship - he did beacues I cried and pleaded, threatened, igonored - what ever I did it and he gave in - just to get me off his back. He wasn't really desiring to continue marriage - he just wanted me to leave him alone. So for months we have struggled - him resenting me, me angry becasue I didn't get why he wasn't all lovey dovey,. Couldn't understand his emotions and when he tried to talk about it I would get so hurt he would stop.

So we ahve never really been in recovery. Until NOW. What had too change? a couple of things.

1. I had to change - learn to listen and understand him,put away all those LB that I was SOOO good at. And be accepting and loving towrads him - even when he was pushing me away. And there is so much - but it hjad to be a complete and total rehaul of who I am - and I am loving ME!! And I also got to a wonderful point - as much as I love him - I accepted that if D was going to happen - then I was not going to just survive - I was going to THRIVE. And I got real comfortable with me - something that I Have avoided for years. And it happenend quickly - I call it a miracle.

2. He had to see the change - it's what he always wanted to see in me - kind of the girl he married - only I lost "her" about 16 years ago. And as soon as he say it - he was so excited. It was like he finally saw me and realized that everything he thought he saw on OW was right here in his own home.

3. He told OW this yesterday - how very much I had changed and grown. And that he was proud of me - and that I did ALONE - he didn't have to hold me up or prod me along. I finally reached an emotional independence that I ahve never had from him (lets just say we met the day my old flame - yep the same one - dumped me - again). And I quickly warmed to his sensitive nature. And I hav ebeen leaning on him emotionally since. He told me that as he was telling her all this - she saw the light and began to cry. My DH has been donig the same thing for her that he use to do for me - hold her up. She will not change - her living situation is unbearable, she is starved for attention and has very little self - confidence. He fed here enotionally - she responded joyfully to his attention - and what man doesn't like to know that he's number one and so good at making her feel loved and special. And when you ahve a cold, angry wife at home - I certainly see where I was at fault. So there entire relationsghip changed very quickly - and HD is ok with that. Why - cause he knows he has the real thing at home.

SO what makes it different this time? We make it different. We are two very different people then we were he last time. And he came back because he wanted to - I was very clear that was the only way I wanted it. I was ready for a D - and I wanted to be sure he was here because there was no other place he would rather be.

And all of a sudden - he is back.

I know we don't follow the marrqige builders norm. DH will still go through withdrawl - it will not be like the last time. He willing let her go this time. And he says it's right and he feels good about it.

Plus - remember - everyhting that changed in me - I DID by myself - no relying on him. And after years of leaning on him - he just didn't want to be that for OW. Nothing has changed for her - despite all the talk - she is still the same. Refuses to change her situation and make a better life. And even if she showed up here tomorrow having left her H - I know where DH would stay - with me.

I am not stupid, naive, living in a fog. I know what has happenend here - and i have no doubt that it is over and that healing in our lives has already begun.

And how - really - did it happen - it's what I call a mioracle -

Thank GOD!

And so tonight - I scrapbook!!! - somehting that I haven't been able to do for months.

Thank you so much for your post. It took me many months to realize what you said. I cried, pleaded, begged and argued with my husband about ending it with the OW. He now in a way resents me and does not want to continue the marriage. I realize I cannot make him stop with the OW. If he does this just for me it will not last. He has to realize himself what he is doing and stop. Also I want to work on myself.

I didn't get married till I was 25 and before that I never really depended on anyone. I had my own things, bought whatever I wanted, answered to nobody, and raised our son alone for 8 months. I now realize that I have become so dependant on him for my happiness. I lost myself. I don't have any hobbies, friends, or anything. I pretty much depended on him to make me happy and take away my boredom. Which he didn't and I shouldn't have expected him to.

I now realize I need to work on myself for me. I won't LB which like you said I am good at. If he wants to continue to call her fine. But I know eventually he will wake up and regret a lot of things. But by then I may or may not be there. Because if I work on myself and he continues this EA then my only choice is to move on without him.

I am so happy for you. And really thank you for your post. It pointed out a lot of things that I have thought about today.

SML

JF...I'm not offering advice or giving opinons--you didn't ask! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I just reread *all* of your posts (and I wanted to be in bed early tonight!) and just wanted to give you some support.

Just let us know how you are doing. Everything seemed to move extremely quick in your situation and as you say, "And then all of a sudden, he was back." Regradless, JF is back, right???

Please take care of yourself, K?

I am truly happy for you. It makes me scared because I do not know if my WW is maintaining NC only because I have asked BUT I have not demanded - just asked. I have said many times that I cannot make WW do anything, only ask. She wants to meet OM at a sports tournament on 22 Aug. I have asked her not to but she insists. I can do no more. Its heartbreaking though.

God Bless you and maintain your happiness.