Ok heres whats going on.
I am a man who thought he has been happily married for 15 years but I come to find out about 3 weeks ago that my wife had been having an affair with a co worker for the past year.

I feel that I can forgive her but it is very hard to forget what she did. All of this is compounded by the fact that she still works with the guy and really doesn't have plan's to change that. She wants to stay and work things out with me but at the same time she really doesn't seem like she wants to end that relationship . She even refuses to delete his name from her IM list.

Im just really hurt and confused about what she really wants. I think about the affair all the time . I think about the ammount of time it went on for all the time. I think about how I was at home taking care of our kids while she was out doing what she was doing all the time .

Is there anything I can do to help me get through this . I know the wounds are still very fresh but it is still crippiling me almost daily . I just can't get the images out of my head .

Any help would be greatly appriciated.

Welcome to marriage builders. We can help you get your marriage back on track. Keep reading and posting here. Read my signature link to Plan A.

TOHM,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here and dealing with this situation. You are at a critical point where you are still being allowed to meet your wife's EN (emotional needs).

There is a lot for you to do.

1. Read the concept section above.
2. Learn about plan A/ Plan B
3. Take the emotional needs questionnaire (located in the concepts section). Take it once as yourself, ask your W to do it, if she won't then you do it as if you are her.

4. Get a good MC. Or better yet do that and call Jennifer C @ MB. She is quite good at working with WSW.

5. If the A is both EA and PA, get to the doctor to be checked for STD.

6. Get ahold of the books Survivng an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both are by Dr. W. Harley. If it gets worse, then also get the book: Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson.
READ READ READ!!!

7. Keep posting here. There are several H's who are the BS (betrayed spouse). They will help you understand what you are going through and from a husband's standpoint, help you deal with it.

8. Create your personnel support group. C/b your children, pet, neighbor, workmate, relatives (even in-laws), etc.
You don't have to tell them all. Just enough and ask they respect your decisions.

9. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Pray for patience.

10. Learn what reverse babble means. Learn the 5 stages of grieving. (see the links in my sig line).

Do you have children? Reassure them of your love and support. Take theirs when they give it to you. It will really help.

This is just the start. Your W babbled when she said she wants to work it out but will not relinquish the OM. Her actions are saying she does not want to work on her M. She wants both. R U going to do it her way or the best way?

L.

Thanks for the help.

I have read plan A and B and am really trying to work on plan A.

The main problem is whenever I try to have a discussion with my W about a plan to end her relationship with the OM she throws a fit. She really comes at me like a cornered animal. She says the OM has been her safety net and support for so long she just can't drop him. She wants to try to slowly remove herself from him but offers no plan to do this. Should ijust give her some more time or do I need to press for a real plan?

You do plan A for you. Not her. Right now you can't control her feelings or actions. She is not your W but rather a WS. Very different animal, one capable of inflicting great pain to all who love her (family/friends, etc.).

Plan A is for you to learn how to better yourself and show what improvements you are willing to make for you and your family's relationship.

She will continue to be an a$$ for now. She will be very hurtful, with lying and coniving ways.

Please read the items suggested and work on that list of things I posted. Others will come to help you out.

Work on you. Fix you. You are not broken but very hurt. You are not t/b the doormat for her. Learn your boundaries and stand by them.

One step at a time. The time to help her fix herself will come. When she is ready, she will be more than willing to cooperate. In the meantime, keep your distance. The sooner you show her that her actions are not acceptable to your family and show it by your actions (as hard as it will be), the sooner she will see that she can not have her cake and eat it to.

L.