Isn't this supposed to be the honeymoon period?

This is my first post and first time ever having to deal with an A. My new H just came clean last night after so much probing and sleuth work on my part that I am thinking of submitting my resume to the FBI. I am not even sure I have the full story. And definately don't trust his word that I know everything.

Apparently his A was with a co-worker in 02/04 (3 months before our wedding) and lasted for 6 weeks. The A was "purely sexual" and "did not involve intercourse". I was actually more privy than I thought to the OW by coming across a provocative email that they had exchanged back in March/April. When confronted he swore that they only flirted and that he knew it had gone too far and would stop it. I asked him several more times before we married to please tell me if there is anything more than what I already knew to the whole A. He swore up until last night that absolutely NOTHING had happened.

Last night I told him that I still felt very unsettled about his interactions with his former (thank god) co-worker. And eventually the story unfolded into being a six week SA that he predominantly initiated that entailed several instances of getting together for coffee and ending with manual sexual contact in his car and once in her house when he left town for a bike race.

He says by the time I found out about the emails, they had pretty much ended the A b/c the OW boyfriend found out and ended the OW's relationship. However the details are still coming out and he has most recently confessed to calling her several times over the last month. A few weeks ago when visiting his old job, after he announced that we married and are expecting our first child, they somehow met privately and arranged to plan to have dinner to talk at a later date.

Clearly this is all very confusing and dually componded with the emotions and hormones of pregnancy. I missed work today and have read so many infidelity articles, I am numb. I have followed MB advise and WH and I have sent an email to the OW ending the A. He is very angry with me. I feel so betrayed that he had an A and repeatedly deceived me. He has every reason why he thinks he at least showed some restraint. But I feel no differantly than anyone other BS. He kept telling himself that he would stop and when we married it would a clean cut off, but I am not getting the impression that he is any less inclined to re-initiate with the OW or even another OW.

I am scared and confused. I always held fidelity as my ultimate boundry. And now this...

Any one out there like me that has some perspective. I am thinking of leaving him and asking him now to sign away rights to our unborn child.

Lonestar,
Welcome to MB. I am so sorry you have to be here. This is one message board we would all like to avoid but when we need it, it can be a great source of comfort, strength and advice.
There isn't a lot of traffic at night from the ones most qualified to give you advice. Be patient and I'm sure you will hear from some of them tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I just wanted to let you know that someone heard you and is thinking about you.
MM

Thanks so much marsmom for the quick reply. I will hang tight and keep reading all the stories. SO GLAD TO HAVE FOUND MB. This is too humiliating for me right now to discuss with friends/family and too painful to hold in.

lonestar,

Glad mm gave you the MB welcome. Sorry you have to be here at such an early stage of your M. There is never a good time but you certainly should not have to deal with this now (newly wed and pregnant).

How long have your known your H? R u sure you want to deal with this issue in 3, 5 ,10+ years?

Please read the concept section above, get with a good MC, do phone counseling with Steve Harley here @ MB if you can, get checked for STD, read the books: His need/Her Need and surviving an affair.

Your H sounds like he has deep seated issues. You have to make sure you can deal with this. The real reasons may not have even come up yet.

Take the emotional needs questionnaire. Both of you. If he won't take it once as yourself and once as him. It c/b revealing.

Take time to care for yourself. He needs to be caring for you not visa versa. When the WS wants to be an Xws then a spouse, they s/b doing all they can to be allowed back into the family. If they are not making the BS feel safe and secure, then the BS needs to be strong enough to put the WS out (that's the plan B part). Plan A is done at the beginning before the WS becomes the xws. Learn about POJA and radical honesty. The book His Needs/Her Needs will be helpful.

Hope this helps.

take care,
L.

lonestar, this is no way for your M to start.

There are some men who are philanderers. There is a personality profile for this type of individual. You should take a good hard look at your H and see if that's the type of person he is.

I recommend Pittman's book Private Lies for learning about philandering.

Oh, philandering, by Pittman's description, is the "once a cheater, always a cheater" kind of cheating.

GC

lonestar,

I am all for M. I have a very difficult time with D. I have done countless things to try and keep mine together.

You are in a really though situation further complicated by your pregnancy. This should be the happiest time in your life (and will be very special no matter what when you're holding your baby in your arms).

However, in your situation I agree the other posts you've received. This is very important issue and you need to take a hard look at what your WH was like before your M and decide, given what has transpired over the few months you've been M, if it is worth staying in and taking a chance that it may continue.

I say this because I'm looking back at my own M and even to the 4 years we dated prior to M and I see patterns now with him that were there before we were M that I should have picked up on (mainly lack of commitment and respect).

{{{{{lonestar}}}} hugs to you!

LL

Lonestar - I am so sorry you are here. Physically, how are you holding up? I lost 13 lbs in 10 days right after D-day and couldn't sleep. Eventually it did get better. Taking care of yourself during this time needs to be your number one priority. Emotions are running way too high for you to make any rational decisions right now. So focus on taking care of yourself and the baby right now, you have plenty of time to figure out what you will do in the future. Have you told your doctor what is going on? If not, that is a must.

There are some veterans here that can give you great advise, and I can give you the pregnant BS view. Unfortunately, there are a few others just like us: SadMarylandLady and Durham come to mind. Start by reading everything on this site and asking lots of questions. Everyone here is great and will be a huge source of support.

Hi Lonestar,

As you can see from my signature line, my W had multiple A's during our first three years of M.

I've never really told our "full" story, but your post struck something in me and I thought that some of what we've been through might help you. I'll spare the "gory" details, as even now, they are very painful for me if I dwell on them...

My W and I married in December of 1986. She was 18 and I was 24 (yeah, I know, I robbed the cradle) Also, she was pregnant with our oldest daughter as well. I went off to my first military school in January 1987, and she had her first A in Febuary 1987. I never learned of this A until December 2000, when she confessed several other A's that I never had a clue about...

After our oldest daughter was born, my W stayed home for a year. We were stationed overseas at the time. She had her second A 6 months after our daughter was born. She had her third A 6 months after that one. Basically, these A's were all ONS... I found out about the third A from some friends of mine that lived nearby.

After learning of her "first" A, I had many of the same feelings that you've described. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anyone to talk with, didn't know what books were available, and hadn't even heard of the internet way back in 1988... I chose to remain married, but we never dealt with the real issues and acted like her A never happened.

I suspected her of one more A, but never could confirm it... We eventually moved back to the states in 1990. Our M seemed to be better. We were away from all of the OM... away from the stress of living overseas, and our daughter was now 3. But deep down, I always felt that something just wasn't right with our M.

I learned to be a better H... still didn't know about MB, but I guess I was implementing Plan-A without knowing about it... and it worked.

In December of 2000, my W confessed to two additional A's and confirmed the one A that I suspected. I was devestated... but I was determined to work through all of our issues this time.

I've shared all of this with you to make this point...

Don't bury your feelings and act like your H's A never happened. Unless you really deal with your H's infidelity, it will continue to tear at your M. I'm not saying that your H will stray again, but I am saying that I suspect that there are some deeper issues with your H that caused him to stray...

We both learned through strong Christian MC, that my W had deep childhood issues with her dad, and she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It wasn't easy dealing with all of the pain and hurt or with my W's past, but we both committed to working through our issues... and we have a better M today because of it.

Take the advice of the others here, find a good MC and start going. Even if your H doesn't want to go with you, you will need some professional help to guide you through all of this. Another good resource is the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. This book does a very good job of explaining many of the feelings that you are experiencing right now.

I hope that your H is willing to go to MC with you... if he isn't, or says that he doesn't need it, then you need to seriously consider whether you want to waste any more of yours and your child's precious time with him. If you don't deal with this now, it WILL come back at some point in your M if you decide to stay with him.

You can recover from this and have a better M than you've ever dreamed of, but it's going to take lots of hard work from BOTH of you to get there...

Sorry this was so long, but I really feel for you and wanted you to know that even though you and your H haven't been married for a year, that you CAN rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you all for the welcome. I really thank you all for your thoughts and support. I have to say I honestly didn't expect that many warnigns to come from the posters. Gosh, I feel so naive right now. I guess I expected everyone to say he has so much ahead of him that this is the best time to stop the destructive behaviors and establish a strong M. While I know that was an undertone in many of the posts, I also saw a HUGE "are you sure you want to continue with this guy"!!??? And honestly I am not sure. His father was a philanderer and he was sexual abused by his mother's boyfrined at a young age. I have always suspected that he has an over-deviant appetite with sex and porn coupled with a potential hidden depression (which also is rampant in his family). With the four years we known each other I have supported him in so many ways. Right now he is workign from home trying to start his own business, so am also financially supporting him and our lifestyle. (THIS IS SO HARD IN SILICON VALLEY)His family loves me and both friends and family say they have never seen him more stable. Why do I feel like I can't take that from him? Should I? What if something terrible happens to him? He seems very regretful and ashamed for his A. He swears there no more secrets between us. He says he is committed to me, the marriage and our child. But he also has this overwhleming personality that tells him that no matter what, he will fail so why even try. And that is with all aspects of his life...career, recreational sports, marijauna smoking, angry outbursts. Guys, am I really a fool to stay in our M given all his history and past behavior patterns????

He has written his end of the A letter to the OW. He is more expressive with his feelings in the last two days than ever. He is more than willing to go to counseling together and seperate. He is finding internet resources to see if he may be a sexual addict. Do any of these initiatives help predict outcome in someone like him? OR should I assume he will stop trying at some point like most other issues in our marriage like marijauna and anger and fall off the wagon???

Any insight is so very appreciated. In the interim I will take all the suggestions on what to read and do to heart.

THANK YOU ALL!

Lonestar,

Good to hear from you. You have a lot on your plate right now so determine your priorities and it w/b easier.

You mentioned you are from the Silicon Valley.... so am I.

Here's my e-mail address: mborchid2@yahoo.com

I will be moving soon but there is a group of us here from MB in this area. They have been of great support to me.

take care,
L.

My God Lonestar! I am sorry to hear your news. I can't believe what people are capable of doing. If you decide you want to keep him you should try to get into counseling together ASAP.

Well, I made it through a full day's work today. Barely. I called him at least 5 times while I was at work and he was at home. He asked if this was how I was going to be forever. I think he thought I was checking in on him. I was really just trying to connect. He has broke my heart and I want to connect. He made dinner for us tonight and over dinner became annoyed that I was talking to a frined over the phone when I came home from work. He wanted me to tell him what I was talking about. I told him I was talking to her about how sad I am that I may be going to my baby check-ups alone and thru birthing class alone. He just doesn't get it. He was shocked and angry at that thought. YAH, SO AM I! i was clear with him before we were married that fidelity was my strongest boundry. he choose to not only be unfaithful but to conceil that from me for fear of the consequences. So in my logic, he knew all along that his life with me was to be jeopardized if he went outside our relationship. Is this not clear? I told him that our first step is to agree to stay connected, then he has alot of ground to cover on his own with only my support. My life, which now includes the life of the child inside me, is not completely open to him. I will be open with him about myself and support him and agree to stay connected, but I have to take care of myself and my child. Would he honestly be comfortable sitting in the dr.s office while I have to tell my OB that I have significant stress induced by severe marital strain anyway?

I knwo I have much ahead of me. I thank you all for your continued thougths and encouragment.

The pompous arrogance of some cheating spouses never ceases to amaze me.
They turn our lives upside down and then act as if WE are the bad guys in the relationship for standing up for ourselves and reacting in pain.

I honestly think the level of regret and remorse that a WS feels and shows post Dday, as well as their eagerness to rebuild and seek help, is the the proof in the pudding as they say.

If my H had been as insensitive and downright brutal as I read some of the WS have treated their BS on this board, I'd be on my own right now.

You are obviously an intelligent, capable woman who is not only taking care of one life but about to take on the responsibility of another.
Even if he chooses not to go to counselling or doesn't seem remorseful or willing to be accountable for what he's done, by all means for your sake and your unborn child, you should go to IC, in order to help you decide if this is worth it.

I am all for trying to save a marriage but it takes two to do that.

Best wishes for you and baby.

Lonestar (in Silicon Valley?)

MC therapy is a very good way to communicate with each other through a third party. Get a good one that believes in M.

He was upset when you came in the house and were talking to your friend....about the A? Have you told friends and family about the A? That could be a reason your H is upset.

NO ONE knows about my W's 2 1/2 year A except the OM and his wife (and whoever she told). and our therapist. We are trying our best to reconcile and decided we didn't need extra noses in our business. For what it's worth.
k

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Hey K- I have told one close friend and he is aware. Mainly b/c she is D and a single mom so I wanted to know the other sides perspective particularly with regards to parenting. We did not agree ahead of time though. So I get your point. Thanks for bringing in a new perspective. So can I ask if you only talk to the MC about the A? Absolutely nobody else? What about when you just really need someone else's perspective late at night, where do u go? How long have you been dealing with the A?

Lonestar,

I go here!!

Been dealing since Memorial Day 05/31/2004 when I found emails on her aol account.

She met him on the internet 2 1/2 years ago (EA) and became a PA (physical affair) 1 1/2 years ago.

She told him no mas on Dday. He called a couple weeks later and she told me. I called him, told him to F off and no contact since.

Absolutely no one else knows. She was VERY discreet and I had no F****** clue until discovery.

Other people knowing, if reconciling is the objective, would be very complicating. Enough stress and tension between the 2 of us.

k

lonestar, there are some good signs then. Your H is interested in learning about himself. But he's also doing what I think are typical WS things, like judging you for your mistrust when your mistrust is completely reasonable and understandable.

Your H must realize that accepting that he is a "sex addict" (I know nothing about this thing called sex addiction) is only the first step. It's like AA - "I am powerless against alcohol" is only the first step. Your H needs to delve into the deeper problems, rather than just casually exploring the question of whether he can call himself a "sex addict". In fact, such a thing, if approached in a half-assed way, can actually serve as a justification down the road. "Honey, I'm sorry I cheated on you again, but as you know, I am a sex addict, and you knew that when you married me."

So approach the exploration of your H's problems in a loving, constructive way, and see if he is enough of a grownup to go along with you.

But as in all things like this, be careful you don't make yourself vulnerable. If you are sure he's learned enough not to cheat again, that's good. If you're not sure, and worry that he might, then you've got a problem.

GC

I actually spoke to the OW at the end of last night . My WH agreed to not only write and email the OW an end of the A letter. He also agreed to my wishes that he contact her with me and tell her that he has told me everything and now I want to hear her side of the story. Basically I have no trust left for my H after his continued lies, and don't believe his version of the story. I am sure he left details out to spare himself some face. Well, she returned our call last night and agreed to speak to him over speakerphone while I just listened. I wrote out a list of questions and he asked each of them to her. It was perhaps the toughest things to hear from another women what my H and her have done in their dirty little secret. I hate him. I hate her. He kept telling me it was for the excitment of doing new things we haven't done, however trust me there was nothing "new" if they are both telling the truth. So I can confirm that he got his kicks not necesarily from the acts themselves, but from being with someone new when he knew it was dangerous and taboo. The silver lining is that she did coorborate almost exactly what my H has told me about the affair (correction: what I forced out of him). I wish I could move on even just a bit. Thsi si a sucess right? I just don't feel he is any more trustworthy. He may have even coached her responses prior to the call behind my back for all I know. I just have little faith I guess that he is worthy of any praise whatsoever now or in the near future for trying to right his unforgivable actions. I did however swallow my tears and anger, I listen to her and thanked him afterwards. I know this is progress for him. I am relieved that he is at least trying for now. I cried all night alone in my bed thinking about what she said & why in the world he did this to me while he slept on the coach. Moving on to day 3...

I am sorry for your pain. I really don't know what to say...I am dealing with so much right now myself but just know that we are all here to try and help.
Does he want to save the marriage? If so then I would say for you to make an effort for your unborn child. My H says he doesn't want to work on our marriage and that is very hard for me. Hang in there and keep posting...you will get some great advice!!!!

Lonestar,

Given your present condition, you took on a highly stressful task and performed well. Kudos to U! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are right about suspecting the coaching but their future actions will tell the truth. Now you need to be patient, rest and sit back a bit.

Very proud of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.