My WH is starting to come around and see the mess he has created. I am confused as ever and know I need to focus on only the baby and myself. It is just very hard.
I believe he tried to call me on Saturday night but blocked the call on caller ID so I am not sure. I told him I was regretting delivery and having to deal with him in a response to an email he sent. Then he came over and said he wanted to see me. He hasn't seen me in a month. We talked for about two hours. We both cried quite a bit. The bottom line is that I think he is so confused about what he wants. He wants to be a full time father and still has feelings for the OW. He stated things like I didn't want to start the divorce proceedings until after the baby was born. I don't know how I am going to feel.
I don't want him to come running back once the baby is born. I don't know why their is such a pull for the OW still. I think if he hasn't discovered by now that he wants to be with me then forget it. Do I stay in my plan B? I feel like he is coming around but am not sure. I don't want to begging ect. Should I keep NC until the delivery which is any minute? Thanks for your help

what do you think you need in order to reduce your stress and feel safe? Him w/you while still in the A or pining for the OW or plan B?

Whatever you have been doing it has brought you this far through your pregnancy. Now you will deliver full term, so you did good. You made it!

I don't think you will know how you feel about him until you see what happens after the baby comes. You won't be thinking about your husband too much when you bring the baby home. You will be way to happy, way too tired and in that miracle frame of mind that babies bring.

I can't wait until this baby comes home with you, you have no idea how happy you are going to be after all this horrible pain. You're almost there, Durham!!!!!

Weaver

I strongly recommend that you go back to dark.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B.

As I predicted last week, he's crashing. DO NOT deny him this needed therapy!!!

Please simply send him another copy of your Plan B letter with a note stating that what you said in this letter still stands. "DO NOT contact me again until you are ready to meet the conditions in this letter."

Others may disagree, but I advocate not allowing him into your baby's life until he comes out of the fog. If he doesn't, he remains NOT the man who once had the potential to be your baby's father. You nor your baby need him.

JMHO,
WAT

WAT - I have to step in and disagree. The plans here are great but they just don't apply the same when a baby is born. Durham is about to be a mother, which means it is no longer about her and no longer about WH. For the next few months it is all about this little miracle. One way or another a child needs two parents, a baby can not be used to get what we want. Just because someone is a lousy H does not automatically mean he will be a lousy father.

I understand, kloe, that's why I predicted others may disagree. This is the value of this forum - multiple, sound opinions.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just because someone is a lousy H does not automatically mean he will be a lousy father. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, but this guy left his wife while she was carrying his baby! Odds are he's not going to be a good father. So, not automatically a bad Dad, but I've seen NO evidence that he'll be a good one, or even an adequate one. What's he gonna do at the first sign of parental stress?

There are plenty of good men out there.

WAT

Do I stay in my plan B?

Well, you're not actually doing a Plan B right now, are you. You've never stopped him completely from contacting you (and upsetting you in your delicate condition). I wonder how much faster he'd realize his consequences if you had actually stuck to a solid plan B ?????

Pep

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Kloe - you may want to check your thinking as far as the bad husband/good father myth goes.

As far as I'm concerned, babies need to see their fathers respect and honor their mothers - and the converse is true as well. It's an essential part of fathering/mothering to model healthy happy functional relationships to their children. Giving a newborn baby anything less is selfish - and I could let loose a whole stream of disrespectful judgments as well.

But this baby is not getting a fighting chance at having a healthy father in his life. Durham needs to use tough love on this juvenile delinquent who got her pregnant so he can grow up and be a MAN!

I agree with WAT, stay dark

You don't want him to make a decision while he is caught up in the moment..if he presses the issue, you will not likely legally be able to refuse him visitation..but that doesn't mean that he gets to play house without paying mortgage. An infant needs to be loved and nurtured, it doesn't care about the moral compass of the person who is doing it...this will change. Your baby will be a child and then an adult, it is better to have no father in it's little life imo than a bad one. A man who abandons his child is already demonstrating that he doesn't have the necessary skills at this time to do the job. Part of what makes this situation so tragic is that this should be a time for celebration between the two of you. I know that you are vulnerable right now..but try to think past the emotions of the moment. He is crashing..let him, do not console him until he is ready and willing to commit. Do not believe him to be above any action, no matter how disgracefull [I know of an example where the FWS called his old wife from the hospital that his new wife had just delivered their daughter in and begged FW to come back..said that the experience [of his own childs birth!] just wasn't as exciting for him this time as it had been with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ]

See the thing is..your WH is still making decisions about his life [and consequently your life and baby's life] based on how he feels at any given moment. He is still on the seesaw..he needs to get off and come be a grownup or he is no use to you and your child at all. Having an adequate sperm count does not a father make. At present he is a liability, allow him the necessary discomfort to be motivated to seek real change in his life..then and only then, whether you are able to reconcile or not, will he be able to be daddy and father to his child. I have to disagree with Kloe72..it isn't about the child for the next few months..it is about the child until the child is an adult..everyone likes to play with puppies..but when you commit to the puppy, you commit to the dog as well, unfortunately irresponsible people tend to abandon the puppy when it isn't cute anymore..this is far more damaging than to have not been attached in the first place.

See the thing is..your WH is still making decisions about his life [and consequently your life and baby's life] based on how he feels at any given moment. He is still on the seesaw..he needs to get off and come be a grownup or he is no use to you and your child at all.

YES!!!!!!

And another thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Please do anticipate the possibility of having to deal with some post partum depression..make arrangements for support and help. Women are subject to it under the best circumstances, under circumstances like these...I'd say that if you escape untouched you are in the blessed minority. You will be exhausted, broke, and very much in need of emotional and domestic support. Do not allow your WS to fill these needs at this time..please! You will be very tempted to, but ultimately you are better off staying dark and seeking help elsewhere. You are making an omlet..don't worry about breaking a few eggs. I promise..absolutely promise that your baby will not know or care who is feeding him or her and changing nappies. Refraining from encouraging bonding with your WS at this time will not cripple his ability to have an excellent relationship in the future if and when he is ready. Congratulations in advance of the event in case I miss it [sends ballons and candy]

Noodle

Yes, Pep - I agree, very wise words by noodle.

And an apt description of WSs in general - making short sighted decisions just like any other adolescent, addict, or dopamine controlled brain does: based on a sensation that feels good at the moment.

WAT

Here's to noodle. Turning to him at this time will simply set you up for more hurt, since he's is vascillating and unstable. Turn to those you can trust now.

Here's to noodle. Turning to him at this time will simply set you up for more hurt, since he's is vascillating and unstable. Turn to those you can trust now.

Hi Durham,

The fog may be lifting.

But really, nothing has changed. He says he feels bad, isnt sure what to do, and is still with OW.

Nothing has changed. He is not asking to recover his marriage. No one is saying he should not have his parental rights, but if your thinking about him strictly as a HUSBAND, nothing has changed. These are two seperate issues.

Keep up a real, good Plan B and see if any more fog clears... then you'll know. Please, please take care - Dru

durham - Well thank goodness you have made it this far. Whether WH is there or not during delivery, it won't make a bit of difference to little durham. So just go with what feels comfortable for you.

On the eve of your delivery, I want to give you some support. While you are having this child, think of all of us supporting you - Saying go durham, go, pant, pant, pant.

I had both of my boys naturally with no medication. The first one (12 hours in labor) was easy, the second (only 1 hour in labor, but induced, was hell). So don't hesitate to ask for whatever you need.

You are about to have the most wonderful experience of your life. You will be stunned by how much you love your little one. You will feel like no one on earth ever had a baby like yours. It is just so exciting. I stayed up all night, just looking at the baby.

So now you are the queen. Do what you want to do, and don't accept anything less.

Hi durham!
I was thinking of you and here you are posting! I hope your delivery is peaceful and wonderful. Please heed the warnings about postpartum depression. You should start on meds in the hospital before you are discharged! I REALLY mean it, sweetie! If you are going to breastfeed, you can take pretty much any of the A-D's very safely (don't worry, I'm a lactation consultant, too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree with WAT, et. al. Please stay your course if that is what has been working. He has not changed. Of course he doesn't know how he's going to feel. He's about to embark on a journey of fatherhood, with a fogged up brain that cannot think straight right now! Actions speak louder than words, durham. He is still an alien with no promises AT ALL.

Durham,
When the baby is born, the mother becomes like a she-wolf and will protect the child from all threats with her very life.

It will be you and the child. You may totally wig out on your H when he comes around and drive him away with your fangs barred and your claws glistening in the moonlight.

(I have been reading to much Noodle lately.)

I think your attitude will change 180 when that beautiful, innocent, baby arrives.

You have all of us with you and praying for you.
k

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Dear Durham,

What are your conditions for ending Plan B? What were the conditions you stated for ending Plan B in your Plan B Letter? Have you decided that H's contact with OW is OK? Has H indicated that he is now willing to agree to NC with OW? Do you have a plan that is better than Plan B, except for vistation talk? What is the new plan? It sounds like H wishes to continue his cake eating.

Have you asked H to stop eating cake? What are your best approaches to have the difficult conversation, and considerately confront H with his cake eating?

Is H asking you to feel sorry for him because he decided to eat cake? What have you gained by listening to H? What can you tell H that will get your true message across? How can you keep repeating your one line message?

Blessings

Oh Durham- I just get so pissed reading your story. So much like my own. Listen, you can't help him make the right decisiosn this will only cloud your ability to evaluate his own progress from that which you have your hands in. PLUS- you have too much going on with your baby to divert any attention to anyone else besides your baby. My friend told me today somethign that really struck me. She said that while she was pregnant her H relapsed with alcohol. She paid so much attention to coaching and supporting him she missed much of her pregnancy. She thought that all would work out if she tried her hardest to help her H, and there would be more kids to come that they could both enjoy. She is divorced an is not able to have any more children beyond her first. My point is she missed it for nothing!

I am completely new to this , so I can't really tell you about if your WH actions be indicative of anything. But please please please focus on you and your child. Your child needs all of you right now. WH needs to make his own path. I do hope that his actions lead him towards you and your child. It sounds like you are very smart and strong for coming this far so let him lead.

So here is a huge HUG form me to you and the baby. Good luck with the delivery.