You seem the local expert regarding A exposure, so I'd like to ask you what you would do in my situation.
My H had a PA 10 months ago. He left home for a month and on DDay returned. Since then he has tried to leave and had on and off C with OW.
I really believe that he now understands that NC is my bottom line and I won't take anything less in this M. He tells me he understands and doesn't want to hurt me any more. On most occassions when NC was broken it was OW maaking C but my H couldn't/wouldn't turn her away. I am fairly confident that she will try C again at some stage.
My question regarding exposure:
At the moment there is no A (as far as I know). And if C was made he will tell me it is only two friends keeping in touch (nothing E or P). he will make out as if I am exagerating and I am just crazy.
Also who to expose to?
They met through work but do not work for the same company. Other than she C him on job time and computers I am not sure that anyone would care. I think it would only ruin my H reputation in a very small field.
His family, I am sure, would side with him and think I only brought it on myself.
My family would never be able to forgive him - in case we were able to rebuild our M.
Those of our freinds who already know are very judgemental - some can't face him, others think I'm crazy to stay with him.
OW tells me her mum already knows and is not judgemental. She also has a common surname so finding contact of her family would be hard.
What are your suggestions?
S

Arty, I am not WAT, but I will take a stab at your question. Often folks try to second guess the reaction of family and friends in exposure and it is a big mistake and largely irrelevent. It is usually a fruitless exercise that misses the point entirely.

The point of exposure is to eliminate the aura of secrecy that faciliates the fantasy, NOT to elicit a specific response from your friends. It is not to punish the WS, but to aide the marriage by helping to end the affair.

The affair usually looks quite different to the WS when he realizes that others see it as what it is, a sleazy affair rather than a beautiful little fantasy. Your H is very deluded right now and exposure will splash some much needed cold water on him. Exposing the affair helps the WS come to this realization when he is put in a position to explain his little fantasy to others. It causes great discomfort and embarassment and makes the WS realize it isn't as "pretty" as he has made it in his deluded little mind.

In your case, I don't think I would expose at work right now, but I would expose it to your family and friends. By not exposing it, you simply HELP them continue their affair by facilitating the fantasy.

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I'm still so confused! He says there is no A and NC so what is the point of exposure.

Last night we argued over a small issue (I really think he is looking to LB). When he and I calmed down he told me that I am not the only one in pain. I asked what his pain was from and he told me that he now loves two women, neither of which fulfill all his ENs (he has started looking at this sight) and yet he knows he must live with out one of them. Is this fog, or is it that he allowed her to meet needs he wont even share with me? Or maybe that is really how he feels and we are both just damaged goods now?

When I tell him how valluable he is to me, he tells me I never tell him. That he is so sure I don't value him. That isn't true, I may not tell him every waking moment but isn't that why you choose a partner and spend a lifetime creating a family, a home and a life? Do I need to be constantly telling him his worth and if not have I done a bad job? Or is he just unable to hear it when I tell him how I feel?

I am so despondant and want this nightmare over. It is our anniversary next Monday, I wonder if he will remeber and any way of what significance is it now?
S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arty:
<strong> I'm still so confused! He says there is no A and NC so what is the point of exposure.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, lets call it a baloney sandwich then! My point is still the same. It is real important to expose the baloney sandwich because exposure takes the shine off the baloney sandwich and helps END baloney sandwich eating. It really doesn't matter what you call it, arty, it is all the same. It doesn't matter if he ADMITS it is an affair or not. What matters is that IT IS an affair.

In the meantime, you can work hard to meet his needs so you can attract him back to you. But, it is all for naught if the affair doesn't end. And the affair won't end unless you get to work here and start exposing the baloney sandwich!

Arty,

LISTEN to what Melody is telling you on exposure. Like I said on another thread, I waited 12 weeks to begin the exposure and things are finally moving. My WW for the first time went to a counseling session. Now that may be because of the exposure or she may be starting to manipulate those people that were told by making a "token" try at counseling.

Whether this is in response to the exposure only time and a truthful WW will tell. I am extremely regretful that the exposure did not begin the day of our false reconciliation.Her family is going bonkers because they either now know about the A or even worse have to deal with it from friends and neighbors.

Also do a search on member Noodle. Has some great posts on exposure

" Never shelter anyone from the reality of their decisions" Noodle

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

I am confused, Arty. I just reread your post and you said:

"And if C was made he will tell me it is only two friends keeping in touch (nothing E or P). he will make out as if I am exagerating and I am just crazy."

Are they still in contact or not? Because any contact is only continuation of the affair. HE can call it what he wants but he can't go backwards from lovers back to "friends." Nor are "friends" in love with each other. If she is really JUST a "friend" you can have her over and you can ALL be friends!

I don't know how to explain it to you since I am only watching from my side. He tells me they are no longer in C. I am unsure whether it will be maintained and NC reagreed to only since Friday. I am absolutely confident that I have made my position on NC crystal clear. He also tells me he is in love with both of us yet neither meets all his needs.
So that is the life he is now offering me. I walk around with a constant ache. My heart wants him to stay and to keep plan Aing him but my head tells me if he didn't have me maybe he would miss me. This way he just pines for OW.
S

Arty, I gotcha now. This information changes my advice. You should expose him to family and friends IF the affair is continuing. BUT... if he has stopped contact, there is no reason to do so at this time. I would keep a close eye on him and see if it resumes.

I should warn you, though, that often WS' do continue contact so just be prepared for that eventuality. Just stick to your Plan A and do the best you can.

Hi arty - didn't see this post until now.

I agree with Mel's advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arty:
<strong>He says there is no A and NC so what is the point of exposure.

I asked what his pain was from and he told me that he now loves two women....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm, no affair, but in love with two women.

Maybe it IS a boloney sandwich!

Contact, if not currently in progress, will likely resume. Until he sends a no contact letter, consider the affair, er, boloney sandwhich, still around. Even after a NC letter is sent, another bite at the sandwhich can easily happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW tells me her mum already knows and is not judgemental.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't believe this for a minute. Nothing OW says should be believed.

It's possible that your H intends to have no contact and he's experiencing withdrawal. You should validate his pain, despite how counterintuitive it feels. Help him maintain NC by showing your loving side. Don't lash out at him for your pain. Your pain is absolutely justified, but he is not in a place to validate you.

If he's started looking at this site, print out the EN questionaire and ask him to help you help him by pointing out the ENs you're not meeting.

Ask him to post here to seek help and understanding. He'll find it unless he wants to try to justify his affair.

WAT

Mel and Wat,
Thanks, I think it is starting to sink in for me. I can see that lashing out does not help him to see things from my position, it only pushes him away.

He has sent NC letter it was unsuccessful, to say the least. I know C will start again but I will ot give him an excuse- cos I am sure he is looking for one. I am also sure he is experiencing withdrawal and it is so hard to watch knowing he feels someone else can take his pain away. I will help him maintain NC by showing my loving side!!!!!

He says he is not ready for MC or filling out Ens Q, maybe cos he is in to much pain, maybe he is unsure whether he wants to work on us, maybe he can't hear what he knows people will say. So many maybes, I hate that his mind is such a dark place for me.
Thanks again
S