Hello, I'd like some input on this. You guys have been really helpful in a spiritual way, and i'd like to hear from anyone really who can explain this, if possible!!

I'm confused. F? WH, well I guess the initals say it. I'm not sure. After all, he could still be seeing her, I don't know. He says he isn't, and I'm not questionning anymore. But I've come to the realization that that is really his choice, his decision about how he wants to live his life. It is wrong, and he knows it, but he alone will face his "maker" on this. It is all on him. I can't coerce, convince, him on how to live. That isn't now, and was never my job. I don't care what his feelings are telling him, he is wrong.

All I can be is a marriage partner in how I think marriage should be. I see now it isn't about "feeling in love", all the time. If that is what he's seeking, he may have found it elsewhere, of course how true it is, well it isn't. Because she got a liar and a cheater. And so did he. That's all they really have shown each other, I don't care what they claim to feel.

I've stayed true to my vows, to the best of my ability, I've stood by him at his absolute worse.

Anyway, my question here, is whether I am in denial or whether I've achieved acceptance. I've struggled w/ giving this to God. I've asked that He take it, but then I know I've taken it back. And tried to figure out a situation which is I will NEVER be able to figure out.

I'm just trying to live, and enjoy the small things in my day to day life. With or without him. We are not communicating very well with each other. We are still emotionally disconnected. I am letting go of questioning "who was that on the phone?" etc, because let's face it, he can just lie about it anyway. If there is a will, there is a way and nothing I question will make that stop. Stopping it and being right, that is all on my H.

I do not want my head buried in the sand. I do want to know the truth. I pray that God will reveal what I need to know.

Is this part of recovery process? It has been a long long road. Dday #1 was 19 mos ago, #2 was 9 mos ago. Deep deep fog on his part. Claimed he's "in love".

I still struggle with should I divorce or wait and see.

I do want to add, a family member is experiencing an illness right now. We are all hoping the treatment will work, but we don't know. She is 19 and has cancer and is very very ill. First I'd like to ask for prayers. Second, it has made me see what a gift health and our lives are. It makes my H 's actions seem, well, to be such an incredible waste. It puts it in perspective to me.

This situation is tragic, and no one could have prevented it. It just is. What my H has done, well, it was all his doing and preventable. He knew better and should have acted better. It is so much more black and white to me now. All that gray has dissipated.

I'm rambling now. I guess it just helps to put it out there,,and get other ideas and perspectives. Thank you.