I just got off the phone with my H. He says he just doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage.
He said that he sees lots of oppurtunities for himself with OW. He says he can't grow in this marriage with me. I aske him if he was going to file for divorce and he said no becasue he hasn't yet accepted that me and our son would be out of his life. I just don't understand!!!!!! I feel the lowest that I have felt in 3 weeks. He said he wishes he could be here to comfort me but he doesn't want me to think that he's here out of anything more than just a friend. How do I go on???
I love this stupid man!!! Why do I love him? Why am I even bothering to try and salvage our marriage. He says it's too late. He's still talking to Ow. She called him today about something. He said he doesn't call her or see her though. Yeah right!!! He says that he doesn't love either of us...he has a wall up around his heart.
I am sitting here crying my eyes out feeling so lost and so alone. I just don't kknow what to do. I've decided that it would be better if I didn't see or talk to him for a while...but that is going to be so hard. I miss him. I wish he loved me!!! My son was so upset before he fell asleep. He asked his dad when he was coming home and he told him that he didn't know if he was. My son cried himself to sleep. My heart breaks for my poor little boy. How do I get past this???? Will my H ever come home????
God, plese help me!!!!! Somebody help me!!!!!!

TR, my heart aches for you tonight.

Your H sounds just like OM in my situation. He says things like, "I don't know if I should be with anyone right now." But there's probably about a 50/50 chance he's in bed with my wife right now.

Be strong. Know that you will be happy again. I'm so sorry you have to hurt this way. After you get through some of this pain, you will be in many ways so much better off, regardless of how things turn out.

But for now, your H is still in the M. Plan A! Good night - I'll say one for you.

GC

One more thing, TR:

Don't give up hope. Protect that little lump of hope with everything you have, and protect your love for your WH. You might have to let go of it one day, but on the other hand, there's a good chance you won't.

Dismiss your WH's fog talk, and preserve that hope. Night,

GC

hey TR,
sorry to hear things arent going so well.it seems to me like GC said, he is still in this marriage. he sounds a heck of a lot like my h though. my h told me a month ago he wasnt on this love bull**** anymore. think we married the same man? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> well, my h eventually came around, hard as it is, and believe me i know, try to give him some space. if you dont call, he'll start to wonder whats up? why hasnt TR called me? you sound upbeat when you answer the phone. he has to know that life is still good without him. no crying, or asking him when he will be back. and like i've said before, try to keep yourself busy. praying for you.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

{{{{TR}}}}

Oh my dear! My own stomache just did the pre D/D roll!!! I so feeeel your pain. It is awful. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I just will pray for your H k? I pray that he finds no comfort or peace accept thru God!

Only then..........will he "see the truth" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TR.........have FAITH my friend. God works all to our Good. He promises he loves us and his love is sufficient for us!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Give the little guy a HUGE hug!!!

I so pray that your H is convicted in his heart that what he is selfishly doing to you and your child is reprehensable!!!

Blessings and prayer,
Atruheart

TR?
i wanted to stick around for a while to see how you were doing tonite, but i have a craving for pancakes so its off to IHOP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll check back when i get home.

TR,

Your H is babbling again. Do you see the illogic? When you do, then your pain will lessen and you will begin to focus on how to use his words to help your cause and be able to move forward.

L.

Dear TR, you and I will look back on this darkest place we are in and laugh together about it one day.

Our WWs don't deserve us for the pain they are causing us but our love for them remains unfailing even through this horror. Can you see TR ? At the heart of both our desolation there is LOVE. Unbreakable love that can carry our WS through their pain, and hopefully ourselves too.

Be strong TR, and I promise I will try to be to. Deal ? ((( TR )))

Hey TR

How did your night go? I know how hard this is.

Everyone here feels your pain. I'm like Shelly3... are we married to the same guy? My WH has said almost those exact words to me. Has even talked about D before.

There is always hope for the future... with or without WH.

Right now my anger toward WH and OW are keeping me above the pain. But I'm trying to do the best Plan A that I can.

Even though he said he broke up with OW, I know that they are still in contact. He's just a little too happy about everything. Doesn't seem like someone in withdrawl.

{{{{{{TR}}}}}}

Hug yourself, hug your son. He's the most important one here.

Standing right beside you..... K

I go to bed for one night, and you already slipped back into the twilight zone with your crazy @ss husband.

He says he just doesn't love me and doesn't believe in marriage.

Translation: I am trying like hell to justify what I am doing, so I can sleep at night, look in the mirror when I brush my teeth, and avoid jumping off of cliffs.

TR, this is mother ship propaganda if I ever heard it. This is practically their slogan. They all say it.

He said that he sees lots of oppurtunities for himself with OW.

Translation: I am trying like hell to justify what I am doing, so I can sleep at night, look in the mirror when I brush my teeth, and avoid jumping off of cliffs. Because, if I have set off abomb on my marriage and family for nothing, for no fanatasy of a future with this homewrecker, than that makes me nothing more than a grade A loser.

He says he can't grow in this marriage with me.

Translation: I am trying like hell to justify what I am doing, so I can sleep at night, look in the mirror when I brush my teeth, and avoid jumping off of cliffs. So, I will continue to spew total and utter nonsense. Because, it is completely illogical to think I will grow as a human being, a partner, a father, and a friend by initiating and fostering a relationship based on lies, betrayal, and evil, like this affair.

I asked him if he was going to file for divorce and he said no because he hasn't yet accepted that me and our son would be out of his life.

Translation: I am saying I do not want to be with you, but I really do, because look at my actions. I keep calling you. I keep "checking in on you," under the guise of being a good, upstanding guy, but it is really because I love you, and I am being an A1A cake eater, fence sitter, and playing both sides because I get the most needs met that way.

He said he wishes he could be here to comfort me but he doesn't want me to think that he's here out of anything more than just a friend.

Translation: I am saying this to appear distant and disconnected, but just like my previous statement, I am feigning concern so I have a reason to stay in contact with you, because my life is incomplete without you meeting my needs. Because you have been meeting them for countless years, and as much as I say I can, I cannot just easily walk away from that. So I am a class cake eater.

He says that he doesn't love either of us...he has a wall up around his heart.

TRANSLATION: This is probably the most truthful statement I have made. Not that I do not love you, necause you can not just turn off your love like that. But the wall around my heart part. I am numb. I am out of touch. I am not allowing myself to feel anything real and true and pure. This is the true essence of the fog. TR, can't you see how lost, how addicted, how messed up I am. And I am putting up a front to appear strong and in control, but I am really lost, scared, and so messed up.

You are trying to salvage your marriage because it is the right thing to do. You are trying to save your marriage because you owe it to your son...no matter how much it hurts you, TR. You are trying to salvage your marriage because it says in the bible that God HATES divorce, and you do not want to especially do things that God hates, at least without showing Him and yourself that you have tried everything.

You are trying to salvage your marriage because you want to be able to sleep at night, look in the mirror when you brush your teeth, and want to avoid having reasons to jump off of cliffs.

TR, have you hired the Harleys or Penny form SaveYourMarriageCentral? I wonder if you are a good candidate for Plan B. But, I think a customized approach is in order.

You seem like you want control. Get the money together, make the phone call, schedule a phone counseling session, and take charge. Take your life back. Increase the odds that you will reclaim your marriage.

Oh, and go find the 180 list.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TR))))))))))))))))))))))))))

WOW Serendipity!!

Thanks for that post - you have hit the nail on it's proverbial head!

These are all things my WH has said, and you have put them into perspective. We have to listen to what they say with the "translation of foreign language" part of our brain going.

This has really made me think... when my WH talks, I will know how to translate what he says.

Fogspeak is a new language to me....

Thanks, and hang in there TR. I have an appointment with Steve Harley tomorrow. I think it will help me a lot. Think about trying it too.

{{{{{{{{TR}}}}}}}}

DipiT, you make me laugh. Good post.

GC

SDT that is an inspirational posting that has jump-started my heart with hope. Thank you.

TR,
all normal..I know I keep telling you that...but it's true.

Listen to EVERYTHING SerendipiT SAID.....it's all perfectly true.....nothing I could even add !

Has anyone given you the 180 list ?

It worked wonders for me.

What's the 180 list? Could someone point us to it?

Thanks, K

Tree, DipiT was so "right on". You have to start looking at this fogged out H of yours as a total alien. There is hope. He is not saying he wants your M to end. Pick up the phone right NOW, and call Steve Harley! I'm not kidding. He will help you to gain some clarity.

Start putting on the academy award performances I was telling you about. Act like you don't "give a SH&&". You can tell him you love him and you want to be married to him and recover. But that will not happen with OW in his life, period!

I wonder if it's time to shed the light of day on this A. What do the experts here think? Let your H see how wonderful the A is with it out in the open. Just a thought.

Finally, are you on an AD yet? Are you in IC? It's awful, I know. The pain is unbearable. But you have to be strategic now. I wrote a post early on in my ordeal called "The Recovery Game." I don't know how to retrieve posts, but some people here got into playing that game. If any one here knows how to pull it up, and thinks it might help, feel free.

Hang in there and lots of hugs to you. This sucks big time! I have learned just how evil these As are. Hold your head up and realize you have your integrity. CV

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her/him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


Some of it I agree with...some of it i do not. Like soliciting help from Family. That is step one in Plan A. You need them to help with exposure and to be that solid support system during this difficult time.

But the whiny, waa waa, I love you please do not do this crap that we BS's indulge in is so not attractive (unfair as it is) to the WS, and this lists attitude of getting busy and not looking so damn needy is really effective. I was a pathetic, blob of sorrow when it all started, and I did notice an immediate change in my WH, though short lived in my situation, when I got up out of bed, put some make up on, and had this attitude that no matter what I was gonna be ok. With or without you, WH, I WILL BE OK. CAN YOU HEAR THIS MESSAGE, IN MY BODY LANGUAGE, MY APPEARANCE, THE WAY I AM MOVING ON??? I am strong, I am smart, I am sexy, and I will move the hell on...with or without you.

He even commented on the "changes in me."

Get up girls and boys...time to start trying to pick back up the pieces of your life...no one will do this for you!

Thanks for all the responses!!! I had a really rough night last night. I hear what all of you are saying and I know it's probably true but it still doesn't take away the pain and hurt when I open my eyes in the morning. I still feel lonely and not loved. I just want my family back!!!!
I am going to try my best to think positive. I'm trying!!!!! I'm going to call a therapist today and do what I can.
I don't have the 180 list...if someone coud give it to me or show me where to get it I would appreciate it.
How do I overcome feeling so lost? Time? I can't even think about the night ....how can I make it through another day?
How??? How do all of you do it?
I wish my parents were here. I would go home if my son wasn't in school. There are alot of othr reasons why I can't go but it would be nice.
I just need a hug!!!

Bob...how are you this morning?

Visit www.divorcebusting.com for info on the 180. It is not consistent with MB principles.

If you are doing something and you are seeing a negative reaction or no reaction, do the opposite (turn 180 degrees).
Example: If you try to kiss her on the cheek before work and she does not like it, stop doing it.

If you are doing something and seeing a positive result, continue to do it.

Good Morning TR!

I know it's a good morning because I woke up... and so did you! A friend said "better than waking up dead".

I don't know what to tell you about how to go on with your life. You just make up your mind to do it, and then do it!

It gets easier every day.

Take anti-D. They help a lot.

The 180 list is above. Looks like words to live by.

Still standing right beside you...

((((((((((TR))))))))))

K