Really, Really, Having a couple of low weeks. H and I just struggle so, so, badly. I am the point where I can hardly get thru the day without crying and feel so tired all of the time. I made an appointment with my Dr., but can't get in for a couple of weeks.

My H just can't be considerate, kind, compassionate, and a gentleman. He just can't. I don't think he MEANS it, and we are in MC and he in IC. I just am having trouble coping in between. I try not to be affected by his behaviors but it hurts me, just pushes me down more. We go to MC and I just don't see it helping, we go there and discuss the week, and the things H does that are selfish or hurtful. The MC tells him that it is wrong and selfish and so on. We discuss it, H appologizes, then the next week those same things are done again.

You know what has bothered me so much latley. My daughter is 15 and starting to do things with boys once in awhile. There is one boy she has seen who (she doesn't do things alone, with the family or groups with adult supervision). Anyway, he is so much like my H. Loud and joking always trying to be funny. But, crossing lines and going beyond funny. I see her behaving like me. Trying to "keep things good" and so on. I talk to her about how she should be treated, yet she sees her Mom being treated differently. I talk to her and tell her how she should be treated, and this voice in my head says "don't make the same mistake I did".

H and I were separted for almost a year, and I had even filed for a D. I look at us now and think "I was almost away from this, why did I go back". I thought H had "changed", I really did, but now that we have been back together for almost a year now, I see he really hasn't. I don't think he can.

The strange thing... this last straw that has sort of pushed me over the edge wasn't HUGE, but it feels huge to me. I had gone with my brother, Mom and Dad for a golf day and camping one night by my parents. H had a golf outing for work. I was worried about how long the kids would be alone, and worried about H's drinking at the outing. This has been a huge issue in the past. I had called H around 7:00 pm and we talked. He asked if he should call me later, and I said please call when you are on the way home, so I know the kids aren't alone anymore. He never called.

Just a phone call. And this kind of stuff happens all of the time. The next day he said he was sorry, there was no excuse that he didn't call and so on. But, his appologies feel so empty to me. I feel so empty. I said to him, if you are doing this stuff now, when are marriage is struggling so badly, what will you do in five years when you are "comfortable". He says he feels these things happen because we aren't "comfortable" and aren't getting along.

If my H came home today asked for a D, I would feel relief. I really would. I know how hard being alone is, and it is easier than being with him now.

"Get out your 2x4's" I am the one who had an EA. That is what freaked me enough to get us into MC. Way before the separation. Anyway, I almost some days think about doing something just to give H a reason to put it all on me and walk away. Right now, us being in MC, he knows what his behaviors are and that they are selfish, but if it was something I did, that H could D me and blame me without feeling responsible in some way, then I think he would walk away.

((((Sohard))))

No 2x4s from me..my H used them all to build me a hideaway in our backyard...so am fresh out.

Seriously though, I haven't been around too much lately, however, when I do pop by I seem to gravitate toward fws...or ws for that matter. From what I have read from your story (and I may have missed some stuff) this sentiment that you have expressed in this post is an ongoing thing. I have a thought/question: that his behaviour is repressed anger from DD (I pushed a lot down and it started to come out at about the year mark...lasted for a year...) What has it been like prior to this thoughtless and inconsiderate behaviour? Or is this preA behaviour?

Another thought...don't take offence am just thinking out loud...do you tend to focus mainly on negatives? I ask bc my H USED to have this personality where he saw the worst in everything, had a really negative attitude, and found it very easy to see all the things people were doing wrong. That said through therapy and healing from his A I think that mostly this was projection. He was mostly dissatisfied with himself and had a lot of old wounds that he needed to clean and let heal. Anyway, back to what I was saying...Is there anything positive that you could say about H? Make a list? What does MC say about the future?

Here for you,
AG

Grace,

Thanks for your reply. No, H's behavior has been like this for the whole 19 years of M. This is the 2nd MC which H found because he didn't like the first. Both had/have called H's behavior verbally, and emotionally abusive. I was/am a people pleaser which enabled hiim. It was almost like MC made things worse. Once I realized or "woke up" to what was happening in our M, it has almost made things worse. Although, I was becoming a person I didn't like very much. The MC has told me that it may take two years for H to change his ways, and has asked me to have patience. He has mentioned that it may take another separation, but I know in my heart that would be the last straw. Because MC and others had said "maybe this is what it took for H to wake-up" when we separated the first time.

I have to admit as this goes on, I don't see a lot of good in my H. He doesn't walk in the door yelling and screaming like he used to. But, he is still very impatient with I and the kids a lot of the time. I will try and focus on some positive. As far as being a negative person, I am not. I actually get teased by H and my friends for being such an optomistic person. I always try and see the good in people.

Hello Sohard,

How are you today? A bit more hopeful. Have you talked to H recently about how you are feeling...about really wanting it to work it out but not being able to do it on your own? That you need his actual participation? Does he realize how important for you both it is to be considerate...heck even more so now after A. It just sounds like he is angry about whatever and he targets those closest (I think I am like that too at times...) Does he have unresolved issues that aren't addressed in MC/IC?

I used to be a supremely positive person....ah but things change...all in perspective for me I guess.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, not ignoring you.

Peace and Strength
AG

SH I have only been in this mess for three weeks and I want away from the pain too. Trouble is I love the girl with all my heart and she's made a decision thats not only bad for our kids and me but also for herself.

I MUST try to rescue her and us all or give all trying.

You are a superhero SH. Be proud. Sigh and do what you think is right.

"And if you can't pass the test, you know your worst is better than their best"