I am the bs, and although the affair ended the day i found out and she has been only the most positive wife, doing all things she should be I can't help but re-live those details i pried out of her. and they cause me to LB in a huge was. I even call her names "Sl*t" in my sleep.talking in my sleep was a product of 16 weeks in the police academy, when the affair started. 10 month affair co-worker, he since quit soon after i confronted him face to face.the same hour he was given a NC letter,.
my question is how do i get over the details of their affair? I was partly to blame "EN's"..
we are in christian counseling and it has been since may 7 2004 D-Day N/C the night before..
They were just friends..yeah right. she finally told me truth.
at my wits end I do not wanna push her away she has been the rock solid one.Tough cop<me> has been an emotional wreck..

HELP Anyone with some imput..thank you I found this site to be really helpful, I am not alone

Hello Kevsbig,

Sorry that you are here, and that your journey has just begun...I know how painful it is. I also know how horrifying the 'movies' are that we make from the details. There are ways in which to modify your thought patterns and lessen the effects. For example, you input silly voices, change the 'faces' to represent cartoon characters. As time goes by I have read of many who come up with mantras or sayings when a detail pops up. I think what really worked for me is that 'we' replaced them with memories, details, love of our own...and these moments increase as you move along in the journey.

I am not going to lie and say that they go away entirely, but as time roles along you get better at riding them out (especially if W/H is willing to help).

I hope this is a start for you. If you have time (I know that you guys are busy) check out some 'meditation' type books for techniques. You don't necessarily have to meditate, but there is often good advice on quieting the storm.

Peace and Strength,
AG

Hi Kevsbig,

I have obsessed, cried and all over details of affair. My problem was not so much the affair which I do see pictures in my mind and it hurts like crazy but mine is being kept alive because OC is involved and husband is still in contact. I think my marriage will end. You do have hope. I know how hard it is but it can get easier. Try and stay busy. Keep your mind busy. Time is the only thing that will help you. Create good memories with your wife. Go to a movie. Or any activity you enjoy. Try and put affair behind you as much as possible. Try and immagine that it is just a nightmare. You do need to sometimes and sit down and do EN questionaire. You want to ensure that this never happens again. Have your wife give you details of her day so you are comfortable. All the things I am telling you, I wish my husband had done for me. He refused. I do not think we will make it but I think there is hope for you. Basically keep in mind that your wife is human and she made a mistake and you two can focus on what went wrong between you so it does not happen again. An affair can be a wake up call that something was wrong in the relationship that needs to be fixed so that it is better than it was before. I do feel for you because I have obsessed a lot about my husbands affair. I am positive that your wife is also miserable too with guilt. Try and be a little easier on her. Express your feelings but don't blame her for your feelings. Say I feel this because of what happened. Work through it together. Again I am so sorry. I know how bad it hurts.

Part of recovery is allowing the WS to see, feel and witness the horror of your pain.

That is their consequence ---> "Look what I did to the man I love!"

Give her this opportunity.

Name calling is a not-so-good way for you to handle your grief. Instead try calling the AFFAIR names .... not your wife.

The head videos are not going to go away for 6 months to a year. Sorry. But you can deal with them better if you journal.

Keep a journal of all your thoughts.

Over time, months from now, you can go over your previous journal writing and actually appreciate the progress you've made. In your journal, write a minimum of one new thing to be grateful for every day. This gets easier with time. And also journal one thing you have learned every day. No matter how small or insignificant it seems at the time, this all adds up.

Keep posting.

Good job so far.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Kevsbig,

If I understand you right your problem is the nasty thoughts that sneak into your head.
What made them go away in my case was to accept that I was angry. I didn't want to be, I wanted to be "nice and understanding" so I didn't accept the anger inside. One day I stopped doing that. I didn't lash out or kill anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I just said to myself - ok, so I'm angry. That's normal. And the sarcastic thoughts stopped.

About the "visions" of what happened.. replace them with YOU. Do nice things with your W. Make the love making special. Erase those memories with new ones of "us" instead of "them". The funny thing is sometimes the WS is moving along faster and in fact forgetting all about the OP, especially if you do a good plan A, while the BS is still thinking about OP.. funny really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Thnx for the kind words A_GRACE and GENIA, I do and have been doing these things, I guess it takes time to overcome. The WS is being an absolute great wife, but she always was. We are really in love a new beginning/wake up call.
I was away 7 months out of the ten the time of the affair so I had no clue.CELL PHONE RECORDS DO NOT LIE, thats a hint for the suspecting spouses here.
The "movies " start at the most wrong times Ie: cuddling, watching movies.etc. and Ive developed a bad nervous Twitch thats quite embarassing,Dr. Says not enough sleep.
oh well I'll quit complaining, Thanx for your responses and GOD BLESS YOU ALL, yes through this I found God.thats the best feeling I have never Known.

thnx PEPPER, I read your posts regularly. very helpful.
Brownhair I also read your posts and am very angry
to say the least .

will give advice from you all a good try.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The "movies " start at the most wrong times Ie: cuddling, watching movies.etc. and Ive developed a bad nervous Twitch </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh boy do I empathize. The thoughts become a twitch in and of themselves too.

They show up during those moments I think bc a part of use is still on highalert, doesn't want us to forget...is FEARFUL. Takes time. Pepper was bang on with timeframe (ok so it took me longer but lets be optimistic in this case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> we had a few more issues involved)

Posting here to vent is helpful too Kevs.
Later,
AG

Welcome and good luck recovering your marriage.

You found God? So did I! God changed my life and my outlook. My faith deepened. In that way I'm much better off than before.

I recommend Retrovaille, (just posted to a newbie about it this morning) which is a marriage restoring weekend. Also recommend counseling with the Harleys to recover.

Also recommend continued posting here to get support and help and wisdom. There are some really evolved people here to support you.

After all that you put into recovery, there is still no guarantee that you can restore your marriage. But keep the mindset that God loves you and wants the best for you, and that He will let you know the right course.