here is my story.
Dating 18 years, married 8 years. Just had a kid - she's one. Discoverd him cheating recently, he says he never meant to leave me (as did the OW as she is married) but I think he is in love with her. He says it has been going on about 3 years (I had to force that out of him as initially he said it was a brief affair) I found out after discovering that they have a place together can you believe that. They have a small house about half an hour out of the town centre which they have decorated alike it's home. I know because I have been there. This I found out when mail to them was accidentally sent to his office address and I was in his office.

He tells me it is over but I don't think so. Initially he told me that family is very important to him so he broke it off with her but I think he is in love with her and would leave me and everything to be with her if she agreed. He is physically here with me but I think his mind is elsewhere. I ahve always thought we had a loving relationship but I guess I was wrong. we have been together about 20 years - how do I get him back or am I misreading him. SUrely he should more of an effort to win back my trust and show me he loves me - what do I do?

Hello sweeney,

Welcome to MB.

If the affair(A) has been going on for 3 years,it will be much more difficult to break off then if it were just months.Your WH(wayward husband)has been living a double life complete with separate home.

So,my suggestions are these:

1) Read all the concepts here at MB especially about Plan A and Plan B and what they mean and how to implement them.

2) Get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.There is a lot of information on how A's happen and how to deal with them.

3) Get into counseling.Whether or not your WH has truly cut off his A with the OW(doubt it) you both have some serious issues to uncover and deal with.This is not something you can do alone or with just us,you need professional help.

4) Exposure...this means telling the OM
's wife.He needs and deserves to know about the inappropriate and painful "relationship" his WW is having.He could be an ally in helping to put a stop to the adultery.Your WH and the OW will be mad but who cares.The more light shed on the A the better chance the fantasy aspects start to fade.Also inform both families about your WH's bad behavior and that you need their help.

5) Take care of yourself.This is most important to be able to endure this trauma and so you can be there for your child.This means seeing a counselor,doctor and eating and sleeping well.Get the support of family and friends. Keep coming back here for support.We are here for you.

Hope this helps as a start.

O

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Sweeney....I agree with Octobergirl's post. I've only been in this for 3 1/2 weeks and if I can say two things.....1) This website and the people posting here have done and said some amazing things. The experienced ones have sound advice and techniques to get through the roughest of times. I was a complete and total wreck until I found solace here. Solace to me means knowledge and expectations. Use this as a means to help understand what's going on and how to handle things. Reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs really shed light on all the things missing in our M and our life. I'm still fighting this unexpected battle and the ammo I have is from wonderful folks here......2) Expose the A. I just did it on Monday and I have seen results already. I learned yesterday that it still takes time for the process to complete, but exposure was the first step and I am amazed how the MB'rs here knew exactly what would happen.

I'm sorry you're going through this and believe me, there are alot of people who are feeling or who have felt your pain. Trust in them, your God and your family and maybe this can help straighten out some of the dips/curves of the roller coaster ride.

God Bless.

youngatheart,

Octobergirl is an experienced and wise MB poster. Heed what she says!!

I would only emphasize: EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE