Well my plan B was working well and my said that she was on her way back but found out she is pregnant. Can you believe no protection and she is a nurse too. I told her that I could not stay married to her with that other man in the picture the rest of my life. I talked to him about adopting the child so I could save my marriage but he does not want to do that. My wife is full or remorse now and realizes what kind of man I really am and she said that she will regret loosing me the rest of her life.Is it possible to stay married with another man's child in the picture. Has anyone done this before. I told her she would also have to do alot of character work to find out why she goes through this cycle of self destruction and that she could not have any emotional connection with this man It would have to be only some guy she had a baby with. But I told her I do not think you are capable of doing this. And maybe in a couple of years maybe we could get back together because then it would be like marrying a woman who already had a child. For now I guess I will consider it over and move on and let her deal with this pile of dog poop she is in. Funny thing is, is that we still have this incredible bond between us and a good friendship. I know other would be revengeful but what would that accomplish we still have 2 children together. Need help

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>

SA,

I've been there where you are. For the sake of our two prior children, I kept the family together and raised that child as my own. I never did find out who the OM was; neither did our daughter.

That daughter is now 34, married, and the mother of 4. She has always been my daughter and her children are my grandchildren.

Her mother was another matter. She kept us on the rollercoaster ride for 15 years before she finially left us to "find herself." She has been through 3 or 4 husbands since and is now living alone.

That was my experience. You have to judge for yourself what you want to do. Do you want to do as I did? Do you want to end it? If you end your marriage, how will you care for your children? Will they stay with you or go to her?

I think your WW and you must sit down and make objectives and goals based on POJA. If you both think you can make the M work, then go for it. If you both feel you should divorce, then make the best plan you can for yourself and your children.

Be excellent to each other and God bless.

Uncontional love is hard because sometimes we are faced with conditions that we just can't tolerate. Firstly, poor baby. That child is starting with such ambivalence and rejection. No child should have to deal with that. no matter what you all do, rememember, it's not the child's fault!

Second, sure folks stay married under those contions all the time. Some know, most don't. Decide whether you love your wife to look beyond this condition. Secondly, ask yourself if you can welcome and raise an innocent child and love her/him in a way that her/his biological father won't. My friend love is a choice. It's an action. that feeling that folks call love comes and goes but the decision to love even when it hurts is what truly brings us blessings and joy.

Think about it. Talk to others who are in this situation (there's a board here for just for that) talk to your wife. Pray about it. DON'T RELY SOLEY ON YOUR FEELINGS. That's how your wife got here. A child's life and your destiny are at stake. Choose wisely and with the counsel of God.

I think it could work but she says she is torn because she is carrying his child but she wants to get back with me. I guess I will have to see after the child is born and how I feel . The guy was a friend of mine

swimming alone,

i wanted to read some of your other posts before responding. you have a lot on your hands right now. seems to me like the top priority is the alcohol problem, especially now that she is pregnant. is that being addressed? did you ever get to an alnon mtg? if not, why not?

there are a lot of stories of marriages surviving even with a child from an affair. i am sure you will hear from more.

my prayers are with you

yes I have been to alanon and am going to counseling. She does not think she has have drinking problem but knows there is something wrong. She does not know when things are going good she starts to mess things up. she said that she is going to go to counseling but she will have to do a lot of work on her part and proove it to me and pursue me cause I am tired of pursuing her and she keeps messing things up

Hi Swim,

Have you checked to see if depression or bi-polar tendancies are happening? Your W sounds a lot like my SILs. At least 3 of them + MIL do this type of destructive actions. When things are going fairly well, they have to stir up chaos. It seems to fill a sick need and takes the rest of the family, work and friends on a wild emotional ride.

There is a lot of info on bi-polar on the internet. Her issue could also be diet related or even hormonal.

Just a thought.

L.

well she is going to counseling and maybe the counselor can figure it out. I really would hate to be in her shoes. tremendous remorse and regret with the lives she has effected and feels in heart it will never work and is having a hard time letting go of me

Hi swimming alone! I am in much the same situation as you are, only reversed! My H was home when he found out OW was pregnant!

I go back and forth daily with the thought of joint custody of the child to I dont want to have anything to do with the child. I definately WILL NOT have the OW in my life...

My H is still on the fence. torn with what to do..wants his family badly, but wants contact with OW...dont even think it is about the child..he just wants OW...

have you been to the Pregnancy board...lots of good people over there...There are a few BH there too in your same situation...

You must think long and hard about what YOU want now...Can you live the rest of your life with a possible OM in it and OM child in it? Lots of things to think about in the next few months...Hang in there

Look into what conditions would make you liable for child support since you are married to the woman and the presumption of financial support may fall to you unless you are separated.

will do that thanks