My original story is under Need support/advice in Just Found out.

Here's my update:

For the last month, I've been working very hard on plan A. On the surface, things seemed to be getting better. I stayed out of her email and cell phone. We've been discussing another baby, and are looking to start that process in the next 30-45 days. We've bought a hot tub which delivers next Wed.. I've been working on a deck addition and pergola (like an arbor) for the new tub. We've had date nights, and had a good time. We're planning on going to SF for our anniversary (5th). Things seemed to be moving forward, or so I thought.

I noticed over the last 2 days a certain amount of tension with W. I asked her about it, and she told me she was stressed at work, swamped. Monday & Tuesday she was in Chi, with clients/golf outing. OM wasn't there, as he is no longer a client. Monday night she gets drunk in the hotel bar, some guy hits on her but goes psycho. She calls me to tell me about this scary guy. I am concerned for her, needless to say. She gets someone to escort her to her room. At my request, she calls me late that night to tell me that she's ok. Not a problem for me, I just wanted to know that she's safe.

The next day, she tells me that she broke her cell phone, and will need another. This is at her co.'s expense.

I take her with me on Wed. to run some errands at lunch and she gets a new phone.

Not too bad, eh? Was ok with it all, until this morning.

She's cranky this morning. Says she's pms'ing and swamped at work. She leaves this pm for FL on business and comes back tomorrow night. She left her OLD cell phone on the counter when she left for work.

Before I leave, I look.

Now a little history. DDay was one month ago. She attempted to break contact, but OM amended the agreement to last only one month. They continued to contact each other via email & text. I don't know what was said. I didn't care. I was trying my best plan A.

She sends him a text msg Monday night from the hotel bar: "Can you talk"

He replies: "Sorry, i can't. Did i tell u that i miss seeing u"

Then another text to her: "Call me anytime tomorrow in the office. Good night"

Next morning he sends: "Good morning, did u sleep well?"

Then: "No love for XXXX today? Pouting"

Remember, she "broke" her cell phone that night.

She comes back home that day, and is still tense.

Wed. morning she leaves for work and gets stuck in traffic. She calls him while she's stuck and talks to him for 11 min. She also calls a coworker and her sister. I get stuck in the same traffic and call her. She tells me about calling her sister and coworker. Doesn't mention him.

Five minutes later he sends her a text: "Im glad we are back to talking again. Now if i could just c u 2 give you a huge passionate kiss"

Apparently their month is up. Time to get back to business for them. I'm guessing that their phone conversation was not a good bye.

I am still trying plan A, but I don't know for how long I can keep this up. I feel like a total doormat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by homertyme1:
<strong>She attempted to break contact, but OM amended the agreement to last only one month.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huh? Agreement? What was this, "trial" no contact?

First, stop your involvement in any more baby making.

When she comes home, calmly confront her with all your new evidence from the broken phone. Be ready for an alien attack.

What exposure have you conducted? Is OM married?

Hi homertyme,

After all I went through with my WH and HIS cell phone I can't even look at any cell phone without it being a big trigger.I hate them all. It's just one classic way for deceiving someone.

I can really understand how you feel being in Plan A but it's only been a month,you need to endure it a little more if humanly possible to make a lasting impression if and when you advance to Plan B.We all feel like doormats in this plan but Dr.Harley has his reasons for doing it so keep on keepin on.Come here to vent when you are frustrated or sad.

And I agree with WAT.You should in no way be considering having another child at this point.There is too much pain and suffering going on,do not bring another child into this mess.This is long from being over.

O

Thank you both for your input.

I'm going to keep up my plan a efforts. Thankfully, she's out of town tonight, so I can be alone with my son. I know I'm going to cry my eyes out tonight.

I took out a loan against my retirement to finance the next baby try (we have to go thru IVF). I'm going to put it in a separate account that she won't have access to in case things go south. I can pay it back if we don't use it.

I thought we were in recovery, so we were moving toward having a new baby, or trying at least.

I've been going to MC (alone)for the last 5 weeks. I like this guy, he seems to give me good advice. He did tell me to stay away from her laptop and cell phone, which I have done - until this morning.

I know OM is married. I know his W's name. I have his cell #, work # and home #. No address, though, but I'm sure I can get it.

I'm confused. W and I have had great times together recently. Our sex life has even picked up. We've talked and made plans for the future, and I want to believe in them. I just wish I knew her side of what's going on. OM may be pushing the issue with her - I don't know. For now, I'll have to rely on my observations to tell me where she's going. If things get worse I'll know it. She doesn't understand just how well I know her.

Please understand this: I'm expending every effort to try and give my wife the benefit of the doubt. She is in the position to betray my trust right now. I'm not going to give her any reason to look at OM as the better person. This, I understand, is what sucks about plan A. I also know that I will be a stronger person when this is over. I just need to give her every reason to choose me.

Don't worry, if things get worse his wife's getting the call. Right now I'm trying like hell to not rock the boat.

I don't understand the selfishness of this. Doesn't she understand the lesson that she's teaching our 21 month old son? He's the most amazing little guy.

Fought with her this morning.

Last night she called and asked that I call her at 7am so she could say good morning to our son. I agreed.

This morning, he was up early. Had his snack, and I got him dressed. Then he heads for the door. It was 7:00. Instead of picking up the phone and calling my wife, I loaded him up and tried calling her from my cell phone. I got her voice mail. I left her a message that we were on our way to day care, and to call back. She didn't call until after I had taken him inside, so she left me a voice mail.

I called her back, and she was pissed at me. I apologized and explained the situation to her. She didn't want to hear it. I felt like she was accusing me of keeping her son from her. I told her I was sorry, I don't know how many times, and that I would make sure that it doesn't happen again (this is the first time its ever happened). I even offered to turn around and go back so she could talk to him. She said that would screw up his day (HOW?????).

I told her I loved her. She said "no you don't" and hung up on me.

The funny thing is - I tried to talk to her about getting some time for her to talk to him today. She said she would be in meetings all day and wouldn't have the time. I tried to find out when she would be at the airport/layovers/change planes, etc., but she would have no part in it.

She's supposed to get home late tonight. Should be interesting. I can see it now:

"dont touch me"
"you dont care enough to let me talk to my son"
"you've taken us backward"
blah blah blah......
oh - and finally: "your actions speak louder than words"

The last one is really tempting to me. Actions???

Explain to me, what actions have I taken to move towards our future?
I've worked my a$$ off on this deck addition.
I tapped half of my retirement for our family.
I'm trying to plan a romantic weekend for our anniversary.
I always make sure she comes home to a clean house. (this i always do).

Her actions? I think we may know them.

I really am going to avoid this conversation tonight. Could me a major LB. Stay calm, stay calm.

Hi HT,

Boy,lots of emotions going round huh? It's so hard to deal with all of this I know.

I have just a few mentionables.

First,your WW is up to her neck in adultery.So,because of that she is feeling good,enjoying her time with you both separately and she would love to have you two men fawning over her eternally,it's called fence sitting and cake eating.She is incapable of making a rational decision to save her life.She cannot even make the choice to leave you for the homewrecking man if it's SO great and meant to be or leave the homewrecking OM for you since you are her H and she has a child with you and a history which is also the right thing to do.

So, how does she help herself feel better about what she is doing,she tries to make you out to be the bad guy.It's all your fault,didn't you know that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Nothing you do or say right now will have much impact.If you call her two minutes after the time she expects,she will blast you for it and tell you you don't care about her.If you bring her flowers,she might say "Why didn't you ever do this before?" and throw them back at you or leave them in the sink.Stuff like that.

THAT is why,as difficult as it is,you cannot LB her if you can possibly help it.You have to look like the guy with all the integrity,dignity and respect in the world and a calm one at that.She will look at every opportunity to demonize you so she can tell herself that what she is doing is justified.Make sense? She wants to believe that the OM is all good and moral and caring when WE all know he is a slime.Don't give her any reason to hate or blame you.

*Actions Speak Louder Than Words*

That is one mantra here that we say about a WS.Look to what your WW is doing versus what she says.She is in the fog of infatuation and isn't thinking clearly or rationally.Just remember to give yourself a pat on the back for accomplishing the important tasks in your life,family and home.Don't look to WW for approval right now.She can't really give it.

Also,don't tap into anymore of your retirement funds for anything.That's a huge no no,but I'm sure you must know that? You are sabotaging your future for IVF and hot tubs and decks? I'm sorry if this sounds personal,I don't mean it to be because what you do with your own money is your business BUT I would just suggest that you put a big HALT on any more expenditures when your marriage is on the rocks and the future itself appears to be very uncertain.

Ok,enough of that.I hope this helped a bit.Stay strong,you're doing fine.

O

P.S. If you have not told the OM's wife about the A what are you waiting for?? You are not protecting anyone and it is not helping by keeping their secret! Please consider telling her.EXPOSE to all who are involved.The W deserves to know and can help put a stop to the bad behavior on the OM's side.

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks O

The retirement check is in the mail, unfortunately. I did some checking, and if things do go south in the end it is recoverable. I'll continue with the deck addition - its very therapeutic. I love working with my hands, its such a change from accounting. Quite a talented individual, I must say.....

The IVF funds will go into a separate account which I will only have access to. Call it a reserve for now. If she comes out and recommits to me, we can use it for IVF. If not, it could cover some attorney fees, etc. Or I can pay it back with no penalty.

The OM's wife does deserve to know. I don't know why I haven't called her yet. I think I'm afraid of the fallout. I'm not ready for plan B. I know she'll freak out and throw me out of the house. Question is, how do I get the OM's W to end his part of this without alerting my W. If she does, what's to prevent my W from just finding someone else?

Also, my MC told me not to, and I'm leaning on him pretty heavily right now.

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: homertyme1 ]</small>

Bump

I need help here.....
I called his house and his W answered. I panicked and hung up.

Problem is - How to do this discretely???????

I'm sure that if I could get her to look in his stuff, she'd find all the evidence she wanted, or maybe not if he's deleting their communication.

How do I get her to keep me out of this????

ht
I'm new here but I have to ask you a Question...why can your wife 'throw you" out of the house???? Sorry just dont get that...I know I am in the frustration/angry/dont care stage so my view may be a bit twisted right now, but if YOU are the main child care giver in the family due to her business travel, I dont see any way that can or should happen???
I can understand your reluctance to tell the OM's wife and I expect your wifes anger when she finds out will be not something you would look forward to. I can only say that everyone here says it has to be done.
I guess we both should listen to the experienced people here, but I agree its darn hard isn't it.

No, she can't force me to move out. She has in the past thrown all of my clothes out of the closet. She's threatened to call the police and have me removed/arrested. Don't know how that would go, I've never laid a finger on her - I don't believe in it.

If things were that bad, I'd probably agree to leave just so we didn't expose our son to her shouting.

I know everyone wants me to call his wife. Part of me does too, but I can't bring myself to do it. My heart keeps telling me that WW is a big girl, and she will do the right thing by ending it. We don't discuss OM, she goes on the defensive and to me that seems like a major LB. The other thing is - I don't know her side of the story. Its possible that he's trying to advance, and she stays away from it. I just don't know. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to check up on her. I hate doing that. I feel dirty.

If i call the OM's wife, and my WW finds out, she'll interpret this as an effort to control her. Screwed up, I know, but that's what will happen. It will really push her away. That's not what I want.

I may just lay low this weekend. Work on my plan A. We have a wedding to go to Saturday. If I find anything over the weekend, OM's W may get the call.

Hi H,
Good to hear from you but sorry your news isn’t better. So here’s the thing. I know it’s tough spot to be in but you need to find a way to get control of the emotional aspects of this thing so you can think and act more clearly. You also have to stop being so afraid of what your W may do and start being outraged at what it is she’s doing.

Here’s my take and so sorry that I feel the need to be blunt to the point of sounding rude.

The reason you’re feeling like a doormat is because you’re acting like a doormat. Plan A is about showing love and respect; and about ending the affair. Not about allowing your self to suffer in silence and accepting what ever random abuse your WW wants to throw at you. It’s not about standing by in denial, hoping the affair will end on it’s own. Your W is in an affair and you’re afraid to confront her on it? Further, you haven’t exposed the affair; you haven’t told the OM’s W?

The way things are right now, the only one married in this relationship is you. She goes out of town on business and hangs out in bars; getting hit on by drunks and you don’t say anything? Her phone isn’t on, or she isn’t taking calls at 7:00 AM so you can’t reach her and she reads you the riot act because you didn’t reach her?! And now you’re a bad guy because she didn’t get to speak with her child? And you don’t say anything? Excuse me! You have marriage counseling sessions scheduled, 5 of them! She never shows up for one! Not one? And you don’t say anything?

H, I have to respectfully tell you that I really feel you’re going about this thing in a way that will bring you to no good end. As things are, your W is already gone and your home is just a temporary spot she’s warehousing herself.

Please realize that you’re rapidly approaching the point where you have nothing left to lose.

coach

coach -

Thanks for the slap. If they are back at it then you are 100% correct. I'll confirm that this weekend.

I won't need email confirmation. I'll have to look for something in her cell.

Monday I can call OM's W. I'll feel much better then. It is too late in the day, and he may be home now.

ht

coach has given you some good advice. While not very knowledgable about MB yet and Plan A, I know that it expressly says its not a licence for you to be a doormat. Frankly I dont know if I could do it, or want to do it fort hat matter, however that said, I think you are conflict avoiding right now and rationalising it with excuses.
This is HARD I'm not pretending its not
Pick the phone up, dial the number and keep doing so until OM's wife answers it, then say Mrs XX my name is HT and I so very sorry to inform you that I am the husband of the woman your husband is having an affair with.
Of course she will be upset, wouldn't you, aren't you?? however offer to give her details & that you will ring her back if she wishes tomorrow or tonight whatever if shes needs some time.
I would have done it face to face but the wife of the OM took him to live in another state......which probably saved him from a punch up and me from jail..before I even knew of the A.

aussie -

There is a 95% chance she gets the call on monday.

I'm taking this weekend to recharge myself and focus on my plan a. However, I am committed to getting to the truth. Right now I need more information.

Side note: she's called me 3x while I was trying to write this post. Wanted me to try and help get her home sooner. She's in FL trying to get away from the hurricane. She has made no mention of our disagreement this morning. She actually sounded cheerful.

Hi Homer,
I promise that I won't cut and paste portions of my previous posts to say "I told you so." Around here we get out the 2x4 and go to work. Whack! Whack!

Are you now paying attention! Your marriage has 0% chance of surviving unless you call OM's W and tell her.


If you're nervous that's good. The OM's W will hear that in your voice and you can even preface the conversation by telling her that this is one of the hardest things that you've ever done.

Then tell her the her H and your W are having an affair.

Systematically giver her the evidence. Write down bullit points so that you don't forget something in your nervousness.

Tell her that you and she need to work as a team to save your marriages. Tell her about Marriage Builders. Tell her it is the best place for her to get support.

Tell her in advance that when she confronts her H he will deny it and turn it around on you. He'll portray you as the insanely jealous H who grossly misunderstands a friendship/former working relationship. If you tell her this, it'll help her to believe you.

Set a day and time when you and she can speak after OM is confronted and the dust has settled somewhat.

Tell her that you know that this is impossible to believe. Tell her you know she instinctively wants to trust H and distrust a stranger calling on the phone.

Any other questions?

I have one for you. Do you, Homer, want to save your marriage? If the answer is "yes", then call the OM's W as soon as you finish reading my name.

Mac

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cw -

Nice to read your voice again.

I called. Got the answering machine. Was tempted to do my best Ed McMahon impersonation. Had to let it go.

95% has turned to 99%. The 1% is if I don't survive the weekend. Lots of power tools coming up.

Have a good weekend and I'll post Monday after I talk to her. I don't have a pc at home, but if I have to work this weekend I'll check in.

Guess what -

IT WAS THE WRONG HOUSE!!!!!

Back to square one. I feel like an idiot.