Plan A still seems to be working. My H is really confused.

He had another conversation with his sister. He told her again that he is confused about what to do with our M. He also told her that he doesn’t know me anymore – that I’ve changed. I don’t “contradict” him anymore about anything. I don’t get angry about anything anymore. He said, “I said something to her that normally would have made her angry, but she didn’t say anything. It was like it never happened.” He also told her that I’ve been looking at my past and my relationship with my parents and that I’m trying to learn and improve myself from it. (probably based on what I told him of my realization about my attitude towards SF). They agreed that it seems that I am “maturing.” He told her that I am intelligent have other great qualities.

It’s true that the WSs (or suspected WS in my case) really notice your efforts in plan A – even though you might not realize it.

He has not been able to contact his advisor/counselor in his hometown to talk about our relationship. He told his sister that he feels as if this guy is avoiding him about this topic. I gathered from the discussion that this guy advised my H in the past that he should be patient and wait to see what happens (to see if his feelings about me change). Somehow this man probably believes that my H has not given this enough time. The sad fact is that my H is still desperate to talk to him. I am hoping that he loses the desire to talk to him – that he will discover that he doesn’t need to anymore. I am afraid that if my H talks to him again and tells him that his feelings for me haven’t changed, that this fellow will advise him to leave me and go to Europe by himself.

At least I have a little more hope and more energy to continue in plan A.

I hope this might give some others hope, too.

How in the world would he expect you to correct the problem if he doesn't tell you about it? Does he expect you to just know, somehow? Or have you ignored his feelings about problems in the past?

How have you treated him in the past and what has he tried to do about it?

This whole thing baffles me and I just can't get a "feel" for it.

ML,

I knew, as I was writing my post, that it was coming across that I was always angry all the time. I thought about re-writing it, but I posted it anyway. Generally, HE is the one that is angry all the time. If I ever do get angry, he gets angry at me twice as much!

Also, he is bossy, demanding, and picky. His other issue is domestic support. He likes to have everything "just so." For instance, the mail has to be in a certain place when he comes home. Most of the time, he comes home and looks for something wrong. It could be the mail out of place, too many shoes by the front door, or the rug too close to the wall.

Physical appearance is another one. His appearance always has to be perfect. He is a perfectionist. I have to look perfect, too. Sometimes I hate to go out with him because there are times that I have to change two or three times before we can leave - or change my hair, or put on more make-up, etc. etc. I hate getting ready because I don't know if he is going to like what I will wear. The same goes for buying clothes. I always wonder when I buy something if he is going to like it or not.

Trust me, I am not a slob, either in the home or in my personal appearance. Maybe I don't pay attention to some details like he does, but I am NOT a slob. I like things to be neat as well. I just don't want to make myself insane.

Sometimes I just ignore his comments or say no to certain things. This is where I "contradict" him. If I do this often enough, it builds up in him and he will be mad at me for weeks.

I am not saying that I am not at fault. I knew that SF was an issue for him, but I never realized how important it was to him, and I never thought that the situation was that bad. I mean, it's not like we had SF once a year. Granted, there were times that I rejected him because I was too tired, etc., but I didn't think it was that often. I thought it was normal. I am learning here about how people look differently at SF. I am really working on this issue for him.

It also does not help that I was working full time and going to school for my MBA. Most of the time I WAS too tired for SF or to do some domestic work "right away." It's hard to keep all of the balls in the air all of the time. I admit that I probably neglected our marriage in a lot of ways. Now that I am done with school, I know I can focus more on our marriage and our home.

And no, he is not the type of person who tells me how he "feels" about anything. I am supposed to "know" most of the time. He has even said that to me in the past. During a period when he is not talking to me, I will ask him, "what's the matter?" He will say, "you should know."