Beginning of Day 4 for me. Last night I received a call from a MC to set up an appointment and sign up for a couple workshop. After 3+ hours of talking last night to my WH, I realize that not only do I need to deal with my feeling regarding the A (trust, betrayal, etc.) I also have to evaluate why I love him. To me my love for him had predominantly grew out of how much he adored me and how that made me feel so important and beautiful. Well, the last year of relationship has put many strains on that feeling and now the A has demolished any gleen of feeling adored by him. So I know I have to dig deeper to see how deep is my love for him. Really tough questions to deal with pregnant and definately something a MC can help me distinguish from all the other emotions that are going on right now.

He still believes that he could have done worse than many of the people he reads about on MB and that he has made much more progress in 3 days than most WS. I want to celebrate that with him, but don't feel I really should. He has such short attention span that I can't say if 2 weeks or 2 months from now he will still be "on the wagon".

Am I right to feel this way? Do any of you BS actually celebrate steps forward with your WS? How do I do that and still keep focus on the long road ahead?

Anyone?!!!

I think it take some of both.

See, you have a right to be skeptical and 2nd guess things after you've been lied to and deceived. That's natural and in most cases wise.

But if you want your marriage to survive and thrive, you need to celebrate those steps forward and let him know that the "successes" big or small do mean something to you.

All that said, only being 4 days after Dday is kind of soon to be judging intentions and exactly where things are going to go.

As for what he said, an A is an A any way you look at it. Granted, an A that is cut off after a very short amount of time can be much easier to recover from than one that goes on years, but still.......

I think it all sums up with you figuring out exactly what you want. If you want the marriage to be healed, then you have to do everything you can to bring that about. Yes your H has to do alot of things too, but how he performs is beyond your control. Whether he's "still on the wagon" tomorrow or next month is yet to be seen. If you're both serious about this then you can't really keep your distance and see what happens....that keeps you from being directly involved. But too, you're wise not to just believe that it's all over and done with because that can (and usually does) come back to bite you.

You're the only judge of how serious he is about making things right. If you can see that he's making strides towards fixing the damage and being open and honest with you about everything then I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy about progress.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: high_road ]</small>

I think the things most predictive of success for the marriage are if WS is sorry, and if they are willing to work on the marriage, and at least try for no contact. I would celebrate that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>lonestar75: Beginning of Day 4 for me. ...... After 3+ hours of talking last night to my WH, I realize that not only do I need to deal with my feeling regarding the A (trust, betrayal, etc.) I also have to evaluate why I love him. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Day 4. U R only at the very beginning of all this mess. Resolving anything won't happen for a while so you need to get a little patience. The baby will certainly teach you that quality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

U R also right about evaluating both sides. Trust and love are huge qualities that both require 100% of both marriage partners.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>lonestar75: To me my love for him had predominantly grew out of how much he adored me and how that made me feel so important and beautiful. Well, the last year of relationship has put many strains on that feeling and now the A has demolished any gleen of feeling adored by him. So I know I have to dig deeper to see how deep is my love for him. Really tough questions to deal with pregnant and definately something a MC can help me distinguish from all the other emotions that are going on right now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Which love r u referring to? How you love your H or the WS? There is a big difference between the 2 characters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>lonestar75: He still believes that he could have done worse than many of the people he reads about on MB and that he has made much more progress in 3 days than most WS. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yes he could have done worse and what???? You want to give him a pat on the back for it? WRONG!!! U R not going to be a good parent if you reward a child's bad behavior.

My H's youngest sister also used that excuse when she said she was not as bad as the girls she hung out with. Right. All these girls did not graduate, all had at least 1 child out of wedlock and no sign of the father.

When she told me that, I ask her why does she compare herself to someone worse than her? Where is her incentive to improve herself. Why compare yourself with someone lower in the dirt than you are when you have good examples all around you.

SIL shut up after that.
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>lonestar75: I want to celebrate that with him, but don't feel I really should. He has such short attention span that I can't say if 2 weeks or 2 months from now he will still be "on the wagon"..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>lonestar75: Am I right to feel this way? Do any of you BS actually celebrate steps forward with your WS? How do I do that and still keep focus on the long road ahead?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: