That’s right… the STBXW had me arrested. For what you may ask??? For simply having my boys call her to say goodnight. Here is the story…

Wednesday night the kids and myself and my family are celebrating my sons 5th bday by going out for pizza. As I’m loading the kids in the car my mom tells me I have some company. I turn around to see this gigantic Isanti county sheriff blocking out the sun (I think they have a height and weight requirement up here… all the sheriff’s deputies are HUGE dudes). He tells me that I’m being served a harassment order on behalf of my WW. He said that he didn’t see anything in there that would prohibit normal contact with her, just nothing harassing (by the way, the only thing on the order that the judge found merit in was that I call her to often. However the part of the equation that I’m sure was left out for him was that I get to call an unlimited amount of times to speak with my kids between 6:00 and 8:30 when she has them… it is in our mediation agreement which a judge has signed. WW though, never answers her phone so I call every 10 minutes until she either does or my time is up.) I said ok, thank you and took the order. We were late for dinner and some other folks who were meeting us were already there so I just put the order in the house and we left. This was at about 7:00 p.m. By 9:15 p.m. we had gotten home and everyone had left. I got the kids in their jimmies and we brushed teeth and all. As I’m standing at my kitchen counter reading over the front page of the order, noting that the only boxes that the judge had check said I couldn’t harass her… the ones that would prohibit contact of any kind were left un-checked… I dial WW’s cell number so the kids could say good night to her. She answers, I say “Hi, how was your day?” She replies with “Fine, yours?” I say “Wonderful!” in a cheery voice. She asks to talk to the kids so I give them the phone. When they are done talking to her they hang up. I put them to bed, we say prayers, yadda yadda yadda. About two hours later two Cambridge police officers are at my door asking what the problem is. I am totally be-fuddled. “I have no idea.” I tell them. Now, these two officers have been involved a couple of times with us as WW seems to think that the P.D. is her own personal henchmen that she can call whenever she doesn't get her way. The arresting officer asks me “did you get served papers today?” “Yess” I say. “Did you call WW?” he asks. “Yes, my kids did to say goodnight.” I replied. “Did you talk to her at all?” “Yeah, I asked how her day was.” I say. “Why?” He asks me. “Well…. I guess because she is my wife and I care about her.” I say in a very calm and UN-sarcastic way. “Well” he says, “…you violated the order.” So he shows me on the top of the second page (that I hadn’t gotten to yet by the way…) were it says that if this was a no contact order I can’t contact her either directly or otherwise. I plead with him that the front page doesn’t say anything about N/C… just harassing behavior. He tells me that is for a judge to decide and that he has no choice but to take me in. He has to… it isn’t up to his discretion. So, I had to wake my sleeping kids, get some clothes on them, take them downstairs to were the two officers were, put shoes on them, and take them outside to were WW was. Then after they left, the cops cuffed me and put me in the car. They were nice enough to wait until after the kids left so they didn’t have to see that.

Now, the officers were absolutely pissed that they had to arrest me. They have dealt with WW enough now to realize how she is… they knew I was set up. They were extremely nice and as accommodating as they could be under the circumstances. Everyone involved was actually great given what they had to do… the cops, the jailers, the DA’s office… everyone was angry that she did this and that I had to be there. So, after a nice 12 hour stay in the clink… my attorney had the DA drop the charges and I was set free. The DA actually read the order and agreed that it was NOT a N/C order at all and that I should have never been arrested in the first place… the cops had it wrong. I don’t really blame them though, they were only doing what they thought was the right thing and that is a pretty impossible job at times… so no hard feeling on my part. These guys are my neighbors after all… not right next door… but in the same development. They can see how WW is, they can see that this is a crock. At one point while on the way to jail, I said something to the effect that I couldn’t have imagined her being so vindictive and spiteful. While driving, the arresting officer turns completely around and looks at me and says “Couldn’t you…??? You couldn’t have imagined her being this way???” A little stunned, I say “Huh?” He proceeds “Man, I’ve been involved with you guys a couple of times and I could see this coming. She is playing for keeps here…”

Anyway… my attorney is doing back flips with how this makes her look in the custody battle. He tells me that WW did all of this behind her attorneys back and that her attorney would most likely rip WW a new one when she finds out. And the evaluator will not be happy to see that WW find coparenting as harassment and that she feels like I need to be punished for being a good dad. He tells me (my attorney) that she has all but lost her case for custody. So, in that sense, if I had to spend a night in jail in order for the best outcome to happen for my kids in the custody case… I suppose it was worth it. It just wasn’t much fun.

Holy moly! What a terrible birthday night! Poor little guy....you too! Poor little guy! Geeze o Pete!

I hope the JUDGE rips her a new one. This is not the time to be playing "poor pitiful Pearl" games, and crying wolf is gonna piss the judge off!

Ijo!

BTW: I had to LOL on the big dude deputies! As the wife of a deputy, I know what you're talking about! It does make one feel better being on the "good guy" side.....

- Kimmy

Huh???? Last I heard, things were going well between the two of you and your flirting with the enemy plan. What happened? Anything? No recent bitterness, sarcasm, snide remarks from you... to add fuel to the fire? Was her outburst truly "out-of-the-blue"?

So what is your objective these days? Still interested in getting your marriage back?

The calling every 10 minutes until she picks up kinda concerns me. Is that really necessary?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jilliana:
<strong> The calling every 10 minutes until she picks up kinda concerns me. Is that really necessary? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A bit of an exageration on my part. I usually call at 7:45 and leave a message on her home phone. Then I try her on her cell, and leave a message. Around 8:15 I try both numbers again. Then agaon around 8:30. That is what, 6 calls in 45 mins.... which is exactly what she claims in the order. She calls it harrasment... I just want to talk to my boys. I have little interest chatting it up with her.

Nothing has really changed. I have still been doing the flirting with the enemy stuff... she was preceptive to it, then told me I was being to nice and that she didn't think we ought to be this way to one another. She has been very cold since. We had a tough time working out the details of our sons birthday... which she was very angry about. Then we had a screening for our son that we both went to in order for him to be able to go to kindergarten (mandatory around here) this fall... she was a class A B*TCH during that deal! That was on Monday, she filed the order on Tuesday. I don't know why she has decided to be such a brat, I have been consistant and polite to her for months now. Even after I got served, when I called to have the kids say goodnight, I was extremely polite to her.

My objective??? Run like hell... my attorney pointed out to me yesterday, after my release, that "...your wife is phsycho!" No sh*t, I've been telling him that for months now. I just want the best for my kids and for this to be OVER. I am still nice and polite, for the sake of building a decent co-parenting relationship with her. But short of that... HELL NO! I want it over!

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

WMWB:

Hm...

...next time you have 2 call your W for the kids 2 say goodnight, maybe ask her how her day went? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I usually don't like playing games like this, but it ac2ally sounds like it could work in your favor long term.

It is amazing 2 contemplate. Here in LA, we're advised not 2 make calls 2 the police about things like illegal fireworks or graffiti on our garage doors because the police have more serious crimes 2 deal with. Around these parts, pard, your WW's antics would put HER in jail more likely than not.

I hope you and your kids are holding up okay.

-ol' 2long

So what's the status of divorce proceedings? When will it officially be OVER?

By the way, I don't buy it for a second. I think you still love her very much and would be open to repairing your marriage and putting your family back together if she were willing.

As much as you deny it, I really get a sense of your boys constantly being put in the middle of your power struggles with each other....and I don't lke it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Go ahead...flip out on me.

Me???? I don't flip out. You know me better than that. There really haven't been many power struggles. I am polite and as fair as I can be with her. I don't bad mouth her, especially in fron of the kids. I was trying to negotiate and cooperate for my sons birthday and she wouldn't. So I wrote her a letter... to which SHE flipped out. At the screening, I was trying find out how the district wanted the paperwork filled out... considering that our kids are keeping a 50-50 split residence. She was acting like a child... making comments under her breath, calling me names, being demanding of the distrct employees. It was amazing to watch, even the employees were kinda like "Whoa... what's with her..???"

No. I don't even see a time when I would want her back. She needs some serious, serious help. She is mean and spiteful, and vindictive. She has fully managed to destroy any love I had left for her. It is gone, over, the lovebank has folded.

I just got the paperwork for the scheduling of the remainder of our hearings and I think they said it should be over by about the end of November. However, they are quick to point out that it can waver up to 2 months either way... so worst case scenario would put us back to February! That makes it about a year and a half!

2long-
I agree with you. Even the jailers were upset at the misuse and utter waste of resources caused by her calling the cops on me. I think she should have to pay some kind of restatution... but she won't have too I'm sure. Even me requesting a hearing to fight the restraining order will cost me $300 for the filing fee. And it is so petty and rediculous that it will surely be thrown out in a second. I would really like to see the judge order her to pay that fee instead of me. Again though, I don't see it happening.

I guess that I'm going to be a tad judgmental....


I think that you "use" the boys saying goodnight as an excuse for you to call her.

ANYONE that would call me like that (every 10-15 mins til I answered) would be getting an earful from me. If it were someone that I didn't want to EVER call me (which is the stance that a WS takes with a BS) I would seek some legal action too.

Sorry dude...I think that you are going overboard with the calls...and using the "boys" as an excuse.

STOP CALLING HER!

committed

Commited-

Well, I suppose you are entitled to your opinion. However I will respectfully disagree. I am a very actively invoved father, was before this whole thing started and will be till I die. I feel totally entitled to be able to ask my kids how their day went, what they had for supper, how school was, say goodnight to them and tell them I love them. I didn't sign on to be a part time parent... and I fully don't intent to be. I don't want to talk to her, infact I have even mentioned to her that shedoesn't even have to answer the frigg'n phone! Give it to our son, let him answer. Her and I don't even have to exchange a single word. I just want to tell my kids goodnight, I love you, and I'm thinking about you. It has nothing to do with her. It has to do with my relationship with my kids. Why you can't see that, and she feels like she has to get in the way of that is beyond me. But, thanks for the input nonetheless.

...oh another thing, just for clarity, I don't repeatadly call her when the boys are with me. They call and leave a message for her. If she doesn't call back, that is her deal... not my job or place to maintain her relationship with the kids. However, when they are with her... then yeah, I will call a couple of times until I get to talk to them.

Question:

You said you have 50/50 co-parenting arrangements. Does she also have a timeframe that she can call your place when you have the kids?

Does she call? Does she call as often as you call her?

Yes, the 6:00 to 8:30 rule applies to both of us, phone contact with the kids is unlimited during those hours. And no she doesn't call that often because WE ANSWER THE PHONE!!! If for some reason though, we are outside or not home, and don't pick up... then yeah she will call again once or twice.

Well...

As long as you think you have the right to call her house whenever and for whatever reason you want, SHE has the right to NOT answer..and to actually NOT have it ringing off the hook too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You are leaving her no option but to take it off the hook ...or to BLOCK your calls. Is that what you want? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

AND, I think there might be a little bit more to this story.

JMHO
committed

Adding another question...

Do you call ONLY during that time frame?

I would NOT call her while the boys are with you. There is no reason. If she wants to talk to them, she will call them. If she wants to say goodnight..she will call them.

Wasn't that the what the first post was all about? You called her while the boys were with you?

committed

Hmmm...I don't know. Like I said before, I get a sense that this whole phone dynamic is, in part, a vehicle for staying connected to the drama.

I don't doubt for a second that you always were and always will be an involved, full-time parent, but there's an unhealthy element going on here. Your boys are what...2 and 5? How phone savvy could they be? Is it their idea to call "Mom"...or is there a bit of prompting from you?

You need to let go...if that's truly what you want. Really let go of her. And letting go will not make you a bad or uninvolved father.

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: Jilliana ]</small>

Dont know if I agree totally with Jilliana or 2long, but have you thought you may be doing using the ligitimate calls to twist the knife a bit?
But regardless, there is nothing wrong with ringing up to say good night to your kids nor having your kids say good night to their Mom, even if you asked them to. Kids love mom & dad so I'd only advise not to use them as pawns in this mess, not for you, not for her, but for their sake.
I do think your lawyer is right though, she is toast at the custody hearing IF you keep yourself clean as a whistle. Keep a diary of calls and action if you dont already.
She may be very very lucky to get even joint custody now, your lawyer will probably pull the police records, get statements from officers etc etc and she is not their fav person obviously & they will probably dump on her from a great height....they hate getting called into the middle of these cases where they see one or the other making false accusations.
However dont gloat about it at all, remember that it MUST all be about the kids now, look I think I know how you feel, but you know, one day she will understand what she has lost and you probably wont be interested, maybe not even in friendship by then, she will be alone. Thats a pretty bleak place to be

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, after a nice 12 hour stay in the clink… my attorney had the DA drop the charges and I was set free. The DA actually read the order and agreed that it was NOT a N/C order at all and that I should have never been arrested in the first place… the cops had it wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So the arrest will NOT be on your record? Follow up on this to make sure it is EXPUNGED. Very important to follow up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she should have to pay some kind of restatution... but she won't have too I'm sure. Even me requesting a hearing to fight the restraining order will cost me $300 for the filing fee. And it is so petty and rediculous that it will surely be thrown out in a second. I would really like to see the judge order her to pay that fee instead of me. Again though, I don't see it happening.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, she will not have to pay any restitution. DO request a hearing to fight the restraining order (unless your atty has already gotten it expunged without a hearing). Follow your atty's advice to the letter...it is particularly unclear how you are to contact your children from 6:00-8:30 under the current agreement withOUT direct contact, which of course, is impossible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get to call an unlimited amount of times to speak with my kids between 6:00 and 8:30 when she has them… it is in our mediation agreement which a judge has signed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is the exact wording in your agreement. The purpose of narrowing parental phone contact to that 2-1/2 hour time period is actually to create autonomy in your separate homes. This eases the stress of the split for the children...meaning, don't call before that and don't call after that. Protect yourself - your calls must not be construed as attempts to harrass. Your best protection is calling ONCE a day during that timeframe when she has the kids. If you call at an inconvenient time (kids in tub or whatever), request a return call back. Under mom's supervision, your 5 yr old can probably already dial your number himself. Same idea in reverse. If calls are not returned, log it, do not call again that evening.

Keep a daily log of calls, including time call placed, length of call, any words exchanged with STBXW, and whether return call requests were honored. Do not slack on this, self-protection includes monitoring this for years. And do NOT repeatedly call within the specific time...if she attempts contact avoidance for you and the children your recourse is through your attorneys with a faithfully kept log of the occurrences. It is best to handwrite the log, varying your writing tools is only better...indicates more accurate monitoring. Hapless, incorrect records can be disproven by phone provider logs and witness statements.

How does the current co-parenting agreement propose you and STBXW decide matters concerning the children? Are there any specific directives - by phone or email?

I don't know how old your kids are, but would it be possible to send a cell phone with them when they go to her house so that way they could answer and it wouldn't techinacally be calling her? I understand if your kids are really young and can't really be trusted with a phone like that but if they are old enough that they won't lose it or make a bunch of calls on it you might want to send it along in thier backpack or something.

WMWB???: Hang in there, some of us understand. I get to play the same phone tag games almost every night. One night this week I called at 8:15, my usual time. Left a message on the machine- its me. Its 8:15 I am calling to tell the boys good night. Please let them call me. Click. 8:45 same message with updated time. 9:15 no answer, the phone is turned off. She is getting the messages and not letting the kids call me. One night the phone was turned off every time til I called and she just happened to pick it up and start dialing before she realized someone was already there. At least I got to talk to them that night. In the just over six months since this crap started I have missed at least attempting to call them twice. When they are with me, if they ask to call they get the phone. If their mother calls, they get the phone. If we aren't home and she leaves a message, they get the message. She doesn't want to play fair but I won't stoop to her level. You stick to your guns. See you back at Divorcing/ Divorced.?.

WMWB: I'm sorry to add my two cents(sense), especially since I do *not* know your story in full, but...
I would have to agree about the whole phone thing. There may be some validity to it--only *you* know, though. I think the quote was somethink like "I think you want to be too close to the drama still." Something to think about.
However, for her to use your children as pawns in some warped, twisted game of devil's chess, well, that just gets *me* pi$$ed. I can only imagine how *you* feel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Best wishes and blessings.