My wife has recently (kinda) ended a very long EA (you should see her cell phone bill). She still works with the guy.

Now she says that she is very ashamed and needs space to make herself better so that she can love me. She wants to move out.

Ok so I know I should be wary and that she is just trying to get more freedom to see him, however I cannot make her stay if she does not want to, right?

We have been involved in a very long cold war; me the over bearing logician and she; the covert passive aggressive assasin.

I guess the reason I am finally ready to let her go is that I think deep down she knows that I am terrified by the thought of being alone without her. She has used this fear to keep me off balance and the focus away from her.

Basically I'd be passively neutralizing her last, and maybe strongest weapon against me. She might actually have to address the real problems that led to the EA and maybe begin to respect me again.

Or, maybe its all lost anyway and this is just an easy way out for her. Who knows.

Thanks for the time

RS

I think you are absolutely RIGHT ON in your analysis. She is using it to shut you up at best; at worst she is planning on moving out so she can better participate in an affair.

I would do the best plan A you can, but dont' try to stop her at all. Tell her you sure don't want to seperate, but can understand her feelings and will help her find a place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have been involved in a very long cold war; me the over bearing logician and she; the covert passive aggressive assasin.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you doing to change your side of the cold war? Have you tried to meet her needs and end lovebusters in order to attract her back?

Have you exposed this affair?

Yes,

I have taken on a whole new outlook on life instead of being the Prophet who is telling everyone how right I am. I know just try to coach when asked but ONLY then.

In trying to address my own lovebuster (control), I am now trying to reconize that people's opinions are kinda like their children, because eventhough they may not be able to express why their children are special, to simple try to change them is very futile and more than likely to them really mad.

The affair seems to be over, however she still works with the guy. Which tortures me endlessly. She is deeply embarassed by it and has reacted with devastating anger each of the times I have revealed the affair (to my parents and a old friend). The affair consumed some 2600 known minutes in 300+ phone calls in six months.

However I feel I am better, and now even if God does not will us to be together I at least know that I can be a good spouse in the future.

RS

But have you exposed this emotional affair to the OM's wife (if he is married)? This is the surest way to keep this thing from reblooming and heading into a full-force PA.

I know, your wife will be mad. So she'll be mad. Eventually she'll see that you protected your marriage.

If they work together and the affair is not exposed to OM's wife, they will be tempted to pick it up at any time (if it ever broke off).

As for wanting to move, yep, it has "I want to be free to explore my options with OM" written all over it, but sometimes you have to go with your gut meter.

Be sure and let her know you don't want to separate.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Really Sad:
[QB]

The affair seems to be over, however she still works with the guy. Which tortures me endlessly.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RS, this means the affair is not really over. As long as she sees him there is no hope of recovery.

See, an affair is like an alcohol addiction. Her continued contact with the OM at work is like sending an alcoholic into a bar every day and setting a cold beer in front of him.

He is reminded EVERY DAY of that tempting beer and smells it in his veins. He can't EVER get it out of his mind. He is OBSESSED daily with that beer and NEVER recovers. Eventually, he can't withstand the temptation any more, and in an inevitable weak moment, gives in and takes a drink.

This is why it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that all contact ends, no matter what. Recovery is impossible until that happens because she can never withdraw. Harley says he doesnt care if you have to MOVE or change jobs to be away from the OP, contact must end in order recovery to take place.


About exposure, is this OM married? Has his W been notified?