" I am sorry I hurt you but not sorry for the A. I've spent my life doing stuff for other people this A was for me. I might want to continue with it, don't know. I love him and how he makes me feel'.

Nice chat just before bed. Looks like the fog isn't wearing off yet then..... * sad *

I said I love her very much and I'll do anything I can to save our marriage, but I'm not sure how much humilation I could swallow if she sees him again.
* sad *

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

She was reading from the script, Bob.

Hang on. There will be others. Just don't glom on2 them as "truth".

-ol' 2long

Bob if you could go back to my very first post on here in February I said in that post and I quote.

"I've told my H I'm sorry I've hurt him but I haven't said I'm sorry about the A."

Enter JL (Just Learning) who gave me a rather firm 2x4 and started my recovery for real.

Honestly, Bob, it IS a script and all us WS's follow it until we see the light. The light for me was MB and I just hope your w finds it somewhere in herself. I think you need MB just to yourself right now so I don't think you should point her here, even if she was willing.

Jen

Bob I could have said that same thing. I did say, the A was for me, all about me, something that was all mine, for the first time in my life, I was enjoying something for me.

YUCK, BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh I was an IDIOT!!!!!! That was the stupidest statement, and goes to show why I don't make major decisions in my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lucky for you, she is right on track with her FOG. She is sorry. Baby steps. She is going to hate having said that to you. Trust me she will hate it.

You did good with your words, you listened and you didn't LB. Good job Bob.

KY

Bob Pure,
This could have been written by my FWW...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sorry I hurt you but not sorry for the A. I've spent my life doing stiuff for other people thsi A was for me. I might want to continue with it, don;t know. I love him and how he makes me feel'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me translate this to you...

I'm sorry for how guilty I feel

Since I've never been able to set any boundaries and am a "pleaser" to all people, it's OK to hurt you

Since I've bben so giving, it's now time for me to be overly selfish

The rest is fog talk

Mac

Ugh.

That brings back memories.My WH also said painful statements like that to me.The word "entitlement" has been my word of the hour around here.My WH felt this way very much so when confronted with a willing partner in crime.

She willing,he's willing.A coalition of the willing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

O

Hey Bob, you did good. A lot better than I ever did! My WH just got through saying to me a little while ago when we were discussing his A, "But why, what were the reasons, what led me there?" You see, I am to blame for his A. I tried to tell him he made a CHOICE. He doesn't see there is NO JUSTIFICATION for what he has done. Its all fog....He's moving out tomorrow...

You hang in there, have you exposed to the GF yet? Have you exposed to anyone?

All, thanks. Doesn't make me feel a whole lot better but some. My biggest problem is that my WW doesn't know she's reading from the fog script and believes she will feel like this for ever.
Its also horrible because she's been in NC since D-day ( I think, except perhaps a phone call last week) yet it sounds like ther may be more sex between them before the A is properly over.

Thats a pretty big thing for a proud man to take in the name of plan A.

I am glad I didn't LB. I wanted to say that WW was risking our kids happiness and was her selfish pleasure worth that ? But I didn't.

I jut said I love her very much, I will do anything in my power to save our M but I am not sure how long I could bear the humiliation of being told to babysit while she chooses whether or not to continue the A with OM when she meets him through her sport.

Hard times, folks. Strange thing is, we'd been getting on well this evening just before that. I guess we needed to be in order to have that discussion about the A.

We are having a meal with close friends ( who I have exposed the A to) tomorrow evening and WW is evidently uncomfortable about it, but trying not to show it.

" I have to do this sooner or later " she said.

If she feels that way about the OM and the A, why is she persisting in contributing to our familylife ? Cake eating ?

I fear a plan B may need to come in sooner than planned during tournament season....and that will be a nightmare in our situation.

WGUY the A is exposed to all but MIL ( who is old and ill) and the OM GF ( whom I cannot contact yet).

Only optional exposure will be WW sports club coach whom she respects BUT who is an amoral serial womaniser and a friend of OM. Not sure yet whether THAT exposure will backfire or not.

OM GF has to find out asap I agree.

In bed just when she turned out the light I kisser her shoulder and said " please consider hard before you continue the A , love. Be sure you think it is worth deliberately hurting so many people who love you".She sniffed.

I hope no LB. I was not angry or emotional.

Another bit of fog talk was " kids are resilient". Right now she really seems to believe that a D over this A will not be worse for our kids than reconciling in our M.

Also 'we never intended to have sex'. No dear, you dressed in all that sexy underwear and drove to that motel an hour south of us five or six times to talk about the news....

Fog ? Its Treacle ! Or B***s*** more like..

Such rubbish these WS s speak !

Thank you everyone. Good to know its a script, bad to know she feels just the same about OM and the A after nearly 4 four weeks.

Can I say something selfish ? I Really HOPE she is uncomfortable inside her skin right now. I'd hate to think she was really as convinced of her views as she appears.

That would take a LOT of plan A'ing.

BUT:
She is still in our life, our house, My bed
She is still a Mother to our kids (in all except continuing the A talk)
She is making small plans for our future ( school uniforms for next semester, home items etc)
No plans or even words that she will end up with OM
I am much stronger, though still heartbroken
I have not LBed yet

I am attending the tournament next Saturday with my Daughter. WW will hate it, so will OM, but thats the best bit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We'll see how WW reacts to the challenge I set her tonight about deliberately hurting those who love her to continue to see OM and the A and I am keeping my powder dry.

(((mbers)))

Bob, you are doing very well. 4 weeks is nothing in the scheme of things I'm afraid. It's not at all unusual for her to be talking like this. I talked like that for about 4 - 5 months. Here's another one I said "does it matter if I don't love you? - we can still stay married"

It's cringe making when you look back.

You going to the tournament is the best, best, best thing you can do. I think she's been waiting it out because she knows that's when she'll see him again. Well, Bob's put that little plan down the toilet.....

Jenny

Bob -
In early April my wife told me the exact same thing. Talk about crushing !
Fast forward to now a mere 4 months later - were living 300 miles away from where the affair happened ( a major move on her part )- talking, touching , loving and living, together.
Things can and do get better. What she say's now is not the last word. I never would have thought in April or May that we would even be together let alone working as well as were trying.
I wish you luck and will include you in my prayers.
Workingitoutagain

4-5 months ? * gulp *

I can cope with that I guess as long as teh PA doesn't continue. Thats gonna be REAL hard if it does...

I have been exposing selectively as I do not want to wreck WWs previously unimpeachable reputation but I am thinking is she becomes the Karate club gossip she'd have to be pretty brazen to continue her A.

But I DO love her and I don't want some of those unpleasant people gossipping about her. What to do ? * sigh *

Its hard. The most important decisions I've ever had to make and no real idea what the heck I'm doing.

I absolutely agree that WW has only been in NC as she thinks karate is a cast-iron way to meet him again. I bet she wishes she hadn't told me that its 60% about HIM and 40% about the sport. I reminded her of that tonight when she accused me of wanting to stop her sport ( that I have supported generously and enthisiastically for 22 years BTW....)by wanting to prevent contact with OM.

***
WIOA that is great news ! Inspirational to me and wonderful for you and your W !

My faith in the power of prayer is being restored over these dark times, and I thank you and bless you for your prayers for us.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

You do have an idea what the heck you're doing. You're doing everything right.

You said before this stuff is for heroes and it damn well is.

I absolutely shudder to think what would have happened if my H had given up on me. We talked about this this morning and he said he was always confident I would come back (emotionally).

That's why I trumpet our happiness all over the board. I'm so proud of us. I remember my first post to you when I told you we were happy and you said "I'm glad you are" and I could feel you thinking well that's ok for her but they haven't been through what I'm going through.

My A was 18 MONTHS LONG!

Jen

{{{Jen}}}

That means a lot to me, honestly. I am very alone, and frightened but to have a FWW be 'proud' of me means a lot really. * welling up a bit *

It is a heroes gig. Just don't feel very heroic I guess.

If I rescue my WW and my M I will be more proud of myself than almost anything I have ever done.

I yearn for the day when my WW is as proud of me as you are ...

BP,

...it will take her some time, but I do believe that one day, your wife will tell you just how proud she is of you for sticking with her throughout all of this...

But until then, I'm proud of you for doing what your doing...

Keep up your great Plan-A... You CAN do this.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90 that means a lot to me. Thank you.

After my lowest month ever, with the prayers and support of my friends here I seem to be coping somewhat better with this mess, for now at least.

I love that girl, RIF, I truly do. I've tried not to, to help release my pain, but I truly adore her, like the gift from God to me she is.

Mebbe that car wreck was the best thing to happen to me since d-day...

* deep breath * lets see what joys TODAY brings..

Thanks again {{{rif}}}

Come on now BP... try to think "Happy Thoughts!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

* You LOVE your wife
* You LOVE your kids
* You are doing a great Plan-A
* You have a GREAT opportunity to stand up and really LEAD your family through all of this...

I'm sure you can think of many more positive things...

IMHO, your car wreck wasn't a "good thing"... you were very lucky that you didn't kill yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Your family needs you... You might not believe it, but you're doing great... hang in there...

I'm not going to tell you that it will get any "easier", but if you stay the course with your Plan-A, it will get better!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF strange how today's 'happy thoughts' were last months certain foundations...

You are right of course. One step at a time. At least theres the olympics to watch with my WW now. We always love watching & playing sport together( except darn karate!).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> RIF strange how today's 'happy thoughts' were last months certain foundations...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that your love for your wife and kid's WAS a certain foundtation, thus the reason you are in Plan-A...

As far as the Karate classes, why don't you join you W and make it a family activity?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90 right now is not a time to discuss me doing karate. WW very dismissve when I mentioned it. She wants nothing else but for me to keep her life afloat whicle she gets all pleasure and personal satisfaction from her sport. She is desperately clinging to karate since d-day as if it were a religion. She is terrified she may have to stop it or reduce it at some point.

Problem is, RIF90 , that world is a corrupt one where violence, infidelity and 'trophy' affairs are commonplace.

I have prayed that God breaks WWs entrapment by the sport. That needs God's action.

Re: me starting karate my WW is one of the top ten female exponents of her style of Karate in the UK. It would take me five years study to even attend the same class to be taught by her.

Strange, I have always been very proud of her sporting achievements. I never dreamed it would lead to an A.

Its bizarre that every move my WW makes following D-Day is utterly predictable and common to almost all As but I still have almost no confidence that these sad times will ever end positively for us.

I just hope I can stay strong until the fog lifts !