I wanted to start a different thread so as not to threadjack DadsD thread.

Many of you know my story (if not, see the link below). One of the things that has come to my attention since dday is that my father was about ready to leave my mother for another woman prior to his death.

(He was killed in an auto accident 12 years ago. It was very traumatic. In fact, telling my oldest, and only, daughter-4 years old at the time was the hardest thing I had done in my life up to that point.)

Now, I didn't know that my father ever had an A (at least I didn't consciencely know while growing up). Though, I think that knowing that I might be susceptible to one helped me avoid ever having one. (I think I learned that from my grandmother.)

Anyway onto what I'm struggling with...onlywords and I have discussed this topic. She has given me whatever latitude I need to further investigate this situation. But I'm kind of stuck as to what or where I should turn next.

I spoke to the neighbor, who was one of my dads best friends (and is a pretty good friend to me). He is the one who I got what information I have received. Supposedly, my dad told him about this woman and he was happy with her. My dad had told him that he would be leaving my mother but the time wasn't right. The neighbor never got to meet this woman or even get her name. Supposedly, one of our other friends knows her name.

Looking back over my life there are instances where this news kind of helps to make sense of certain life situations. IE, there was a time when an employee that worked for my parents was fired; another time my mother was crying at a surprise anniversary party (and it wasn't a happy cry).

I want to ask my mom, but if she doesn't know, then I don't want to be the one to tell her. What's done is done. Same with my sister. So that leaves me to ask the one guy the neighbor told me knows. I haven't seen him in probably 15-20 years, so I'm not sure how to approach him. Any suggestions?

OK, so what questions are you going to ask me? Why do I want to know? If I find out will that change my feelings towards my deceased father?

Well, I want to know the truth. I want to know what parts of my life were basically untruths. Will it change my feelings? I don't know. I hope not, but...

Thoughts?

RH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Recovering H:

OK, so what questions are you going to ask me? Why do I want to know? If I find out will that change my feelings towards my deceased father?

Well, I want to know the truth. I want to know what parts of my life were basically untruths. Will it change my feelings? I don't know. I hope not, but...

Thoughts?

RH </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A lot of the details about my dad’s A have come out since his death. For me it changed nothing of what I feel for my father – I still love him and I’m still very dissapointed and hurt and sometimes angry at him.

But this is how I felt when he was alive and we had our first, second, and come to think of it – third D-days.

Now that he’s gone there are a lot of people I can turn to for more details. But I see it like this. For me it serves no purpose. Details will not explain anything further than what we already know. The only thing more details will do for us at this point is to keep the wound open and further hurt us, my mother in particular. My mother tends to be the one who seems to scrape for details and I wish she would stop. At this point she’s causing herself pain. We know what he did. He had a long affair with this woman. He spent a large portion of his life, his finances, his attention with her and her son. The details behind it are pretty much irrelevant. For me.

It’s an odd position to be in – to be a little bit grateful that your dad is gone because at the very absolute least you have the comfort in knowing the lies have finally stopped. At least his lies. Because there’s the other issue – going after more detail at this point is fruitless because I simply don’t know who I can trust. So many people knew about this A and said nothing – which for me means that their motives for keeping the secret are suspect – which means their words now are suspect. If I ask questions, what lies are being told on the pretense of protecting my feelings vs protecting themselves and their roles in it.

With SO many lies surrounding these A’s – for me it is impossible to trust anything as absolute truth. People’s individual cowardice and motives are too strong for me to think otherwise.

But that’s the way I see it. I’d probably have a different point of view if my dad were still with us. But he’s not and we – especially my mom – finally have a chance to have a life based on honesty and truth instead of selfishness and lies. We still have a lot to handle in relation to my dad’s OW. Certain financial issues that have to be settled. I’m focusing on that – details, right now would just get in the way.

Rec H,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Rec H:
I want to ask my mom, but if she doesn't know, then I don't want to be the one to tell her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's what I find interesting about your dilemma.

Your Mother may know, she may not know.
As of now you have no idea which is true.

You seem to be leaning toward her not knowing.
OK.

But let's look at the other 50% chance.
What if she already does?

What if she has not ever talked about it to protect you and your sister?
Or her reputation? Or your fathers?

Imagine how ALONE and Frustrated she may be feeling, never being able to talk about something as traumatic as this with ANYONE!
(And You now KNOW how hard this is to go through and deal with even with support).

Just imagine having gone through this (as you have) and NEVER having your feelings validated!
Or ever feeling understood.

Imagine a life of ONLY being able to "pretend" everything is OK, while in your heart and soul "nothing" is.

In her "time" A's were things to be ashamed of and not talked about.
She may never have been able to work through even the early stages of her hurt.
I shudder to think of being "stuck" in the pain of where I've been, indefinitely.

YOU know how much denial and secrecy is involved with A's , even in our day and age.
I can only imagine the "code of silence" and "take it to the grave" mentality of our parents generation.

This may be a secret she has had to bear the burden of for many many years.
All by herself!
Perhaps a positive outcome could come about by Finally being able to share this heavy load and not feel So Alone in protecting this awful "secret" anymore.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Rec H:
What's done is done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you believe this about your W's A as well??

In any case, even if she doesn't know:
Which BS have you talked or communicated with that Did NOT want to know the truth?
NO matter the pain.
I haven't come across one (that really meant it).

The whole notion of "protecting" someone for their own good......sounds eerily reminiscent of all the WS I read here.....that they are keeping the secret from their BS "for their own good". Or to protect them.
Sound familiar?

I know, I know just like every person NOT wanting exposure, this is a "special" or different case.
In our minds, any case involving US directly is "unique"....just the way the our emotions works.

Although this would have to be handled delicately, its something to seriously consider.

Anyway, just some food for thought.
later

P.S.
To Dads D:
This is not all that unusual that your Mom Would want to get some details. Yes, she NEEDS more then YOU do.
She is the spouse, you are the child.
Your outlook and take on the situation is Much different then hers.

Details may just "get in your way".

However, they are necessary pains your mother must face in order for her to ever fully heal.
Especially, considering the length and scope of your father's deception.
She is the one who must determine "how much" is enough for herself.
NO one else is qualified to make this decision for her.
(NO offense meant towards you....as her child I realize you only want to spare her further pain). Got it!

Hope things continue to improve for you and your family.
Take care

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

You're right. I want to protect her from the "details" because I see how she reacts when she comes across them. I don't believe she's strong enough right now to hear them. Her reactions scare me - I think mostly because these reactions are escalated by the underlying normal grief over losing her husband.

And then there's the issue of what I spoke of before. Who to trust. There is simply no way to know for sure which details we're hearing are truth, lies meant to deliberately hurt (and we've gotten some of those too) or lies meant to "spare feelings". And since we can't trust really ANY source in this - the quest for the truth is futile - IMO. We've spoken on this before (mom, sis and I) and my mom tends to agree with me for the most part - especially after we hear details that run contrary to details we heard a week ago. You see? This hunt has my mom chasing in circles, driving herself crazy, over more and more lies. If I could have some certainty that what we're told would be fact - then I'd be more open to the quest for the truth. But since I have none, I don't want her to go through that for nothing. She's been through enough.

I fully understand the concept of neccessary pain. But I don't agree that its neccessary to inflict pain on oneself via this hunt for details that for the most part aren't fact but are always painful.

TopRope, you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your Mother may know, she may not know.
As of now you have no idea which is true.
You seem to be leaning toward her not knowing.
OK.

But let's look at the other 50% chance.
What if she already does?
What if she has not ever talked about it to protect you and your sister?
Or her reputation? Or your fathers?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TR: You ask some good questions. Some I have pondered previously, while others are new. Here are my thoughts.

While I think that my mother may not know, I have considered that she has. There was a time at an anniversary party where she broke down uncontrollably (it didn't seem like the happy kind of crying). There is a very good possibility that she didn't talk to me (at least) about this to protect me (or possibly even my father). I've always been the last to know things in my family and it does tick me off. I guess I wish I knew for certain if she knew then I wouldn't be the one either opening the can of worms or reopening it. I don't have many options of where to start. Plus, at this point, while I'm curious, I'm not sure I need to know.

These are all good points about protecting reputations and such.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Imagine how ALONE and Frustrated she may be feeling, never being able to talk about something as traumatic as this with ANYONE!
(And You now KNOW how hard this is to go through and deal with even with support).

Just imagine having gone through this (as you have) and NEVER having your feelings validated!
Or ever feeling understood.

Imagine a life of ONLY being able to "pretend" everything is OK, while in your heart and soul "nothing" is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, this is a distinct possibility. However, we've never had a very close relationship where I would even feel confortable talking about this. I mean, if this is true, it would probably explain alot of why she has acted the way she has. I don't know that I'd be better able to relate, but at least I think I would understand her better.

It would probably explain, why she still has dads ashes under her bed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This may be a secret she has had to bear the burden of for many many years. All by herself! Perhaps a positive outcome could come about by Finally being able to share this heavy load and not feel So Alone in protecting this awful "secret" anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess my thinking is that my sister or at least my aunt from California probably knows. And I'm not sure she would even tell if she did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What's done is done. Do you believe this about your W's A as well?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W's A is done, however, we are working through it. In the case of my father and mother, he's not around for her to work through it with her. I guess, I don't see where you're going with this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In any case, even if she doesn't know. Which BS have you talked or communicated with that Did NOT want to know the truth? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I might see what you're saying. If she already knows, the pain is still there. If she doesn't know then she probably needs to work through it and it might help for me to bring it up. Whew! I don't think I'm there yet...able to bring it up with her that is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The whole notion of "protecting" someone for their own good......sounds eerily reminiscent of all the WS I read here.....that they are keeping the secret from their BS "for their own good". Or to protect them. Sound familiar?

Although this would have to be handled delicately, its something to seriously consider. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it does sound like that and that I should seriously consider it. I guess that's what I've been struggling with and why I laid it out here for additional input. Thanks.

DadsD: I don't know that I'm looking for details of all the sordid past. More of what I'm looking for is to possibly find the OW, to talk to her. To get some insight into my father, what he went through. The last couple of days of his life are partially unaccounted for. He was close to retirement and wanted to retire early (geez, sounds eerily like me), but was always afraid that he would be killed on the job (construction) and basically he was.

I think some of the disimilarities of our two situations are that I believe my father's A was of an exit type, while your fathers was a long time A (almost like he led a double life). I don't know that that really changes anything, but it's just that I have different questions and am not sure that I have felt the betrayal you have. Thanks for your input.

God Bless,
RH