Melody,

Melody,
I have always been cheerful and pleasant. And usually we end up chit chatting about the kids and work and whatever else except us. The only time we "don't get along" as he puts it, is when we talk about us and he says he doesn't love me anymore, and I say I still love him and want to work on the marriage.

WE don't talk except to plan when to exchange the kids, though, as of about 2 months ago. Up until then we talked every day.

Do people get back together after this point, or am I just holding on and hurting myself>?

cm

Melody,
I have always been cheerful and pleasant. And usually we end up chit chatting about the kids and work and whatever else except us. The only time we "don't get along" as he puts it, is when we talk about us and he says he doesn't love me anymore, and I say I still love him and want to work on the marriage.

WE don't talk except to plan when to exchange the kids, though, as of about 2 months ago. Up until then we talked every day.

Do people get back together after this point, or am I just holding on and hurting myself>?

cm

Hi country mama,,

I too believe there is a homewrecker(aka: OW) involved.Men/Women do not go full steam ahead with a one sided divorce plan without a self absorbed reason.Usually there is someone else waiting in the wings with that proverbial "better life" out there once the competition(wife/husband) has been eliminated.They also can lie right to your face(like mine did initially) and say "No,there's no one else".Yeah right.

Unfortunately,there is not much you can do but stall and try to gather information.Also,get yourself an attorney PRONTO.You do not want to be left in the dust without financial support and CS,etc.It's time to cover your own bases.

As long as I have been here,I have seen several WS's go through with the D proceedings,never looking back.Many do stall themselves or waver because of their emotions and wanting to possibly wait and work things out with the BS(betrayed spouse) or are confused and don't want to cut their ties with either party just yet.

What you can do beside stall is be on your best behavior,even though you might want to wring your H's neck,protect yourself legally,get educated about your rights,get support from friends and family and take care of youself to endure the trauma of what is going on.If your H wants to talk,let him and try to be calm.I know that will be hard but if you are non-confrontational,he may let out the real reasons why you're on the road to D.You do have a right,however,to ask for some explanations for you and your children.Yes you may have had some problems before in your marriage,but it's completely unfair for him to file for a D,not having even talked to you about it but also that he did not even give the marriage a chance,especially for the children.

Hang in there.You're in for a long,bumpy road ahead.Stay with us.

O

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks for the advice. I also have an issue in that we hve been house hunting, and Ihave a place I want to buy, but I can't get a loan by mnyslef because I've been a stay at home mom and have no consistent income.

My plan was to get legal separation papers ready, and if I don't get served this week, give them to him Saturday and see if he'll agree to that. Does that sound wacky?

If it weren't for my kids I"d probably have given up by now, but man, kids sure do change how much we're willing to fight for our marriages, don't they, the little devils, I mean angels!

cm

If you are thinking of buying a house, I would go ahead and do it. You should still be in Plan A. Then if WH does decide to leave (which is still in doubt), you and little ones will be able to stay in the house.

So I should still do Plan A even if I get served papers? Do I sign anything? We have no fault divorce in WA and a mandatory 90 day waiting period.

cm

CM

Hi there, Glad you came over here. I go back and forth for more opinions.

You need to call and talk to a lawyer TOMMORROW, girl! I wouldn't sign anything right now if you don't want a divorce. Delay things as much as possible if you can.

Will he still buy a house with you now that he has supposedly filed? Hmmmm, I wouldn't count on that scenario until things play out a little more.

Dig for evidence of an A. There is a great thread on the sure signs of an affair. Look for it down on the list a little.

I have read the list of signs of an A. None of them really apply other than extra money being spent. My H has worked out of town for 6 years now. If there is OW she is 2 1/2 hours away from here. I have suspected, and did have a PI try to follow him, but he moves around a lot for work and I was spending more money for her to search for him than actually watch him. She never found anything when she did find him.

He actually called last night, something he hasn't done for quite a while. I let the machine get it and he left a neutral message, just asking if I'd seen his parents that day (they stopped by when passing thru town) and if the kids were fine.

He never asks me to call him back so I never do. Which, of course, he through at me this weekend, saying I never call him. And get told repeatedly that I'm not loved? I can only take so much!

cm

I really should be going to bed, but I just had to respond to you.

You sound exactly like me a few years ago. Look at my signature at the end of my post.

My H was also living away and working in other city M to F and home on weekend and we aere tired and neglectful of each other. I too rationalised that our marrital problems were due to growing apart. But in retrospect when I look back I see that in some ways I was in denial of the red flags that should have mmade me suspect an affair.

Please consider this. I can see big red flags in your post of another woman. What your H is spurting to you is almost verbatim what mine was saying to me and of course I didn't think there was another woman nvolved either.

Just because if you ask he says there is no one, it doesn't mean there isn't one. Why is he not involving you in his life. Why does he not call you. Why do ou feel uncomfortable to ring him as if it is an intrusion into his privacy? Why is his life there kept so separate from you.

Consider looking carefully at phone records, bank statements, computer history etcc. Search his wallet (that is how I found out he actually had nice pictures of OW in there).

Consider a surprise visit to hin in other city.

I am sorry but I have to go now. Will post more to you tomorrow.

C&S

[
Why does he not call you.
WEll, up until June he did call me, every single day, and if he couldn't reach me he would continue to call home and cell.


Why do ou feel uncomfortable to ring him as if it is an intrusion into his privacy?

I don't feel uncomfortable calling him; I have always been able to call anytime, and I used to call frequently just to tell him to have a good day. I don't call anymore because he is adament that our marriage is over and I don't see the point.

Consider looking carefully at phone records, bank statements, computer history etcc. Search his wallet (that is how I found out he actually had nice pictures of OW in there).\

I have done that, searched everything including his pickup and travel bag and have never found anything even remotely suspicious. I know that doesn't mean he isn't, I just can't find anything.

Consider a surprise visit to hin in other city.

I know this sounds weird, but I never really know where he works. He is a supt for a company that builds cell towers, and he usually has several jobs at one time, so eve whenhe's away he may be working as many as 50 miles apart during the week. I am very unfamiliar with where he works so I could never just "find" him.

Now this week he is working 4 hours in the complete opposite direction, so I know there's nobody there. I have thought of driving there just to give him a letter and let him know how much I love him and want to work on our marriage. Is this a crazy idea?? Even though he's telling to expect divorce papers this week?

cm

][/QUOTE]

Im sorry county mama,
Just that your story sounded so much like mine I guess I was putting two and two together and getting five. However in my case, Mine was telling me he was staying in one hotel in said city and later I found that he was in a different one all together. (That was after he had moved back home with me, had a flat before that in the other city) He was making regular "work related" trips up there after moving home before I found out. Funny how these trips were no longer needed after Dday and our reconciliation.

Can you put your finger on anything that may have caused his change of attitude since June. Is there anything that may have triggered his feelings?

As far as the trip up to give the letter and tell him you love him, I guess if you are in plan A it is a good idea. However do you think your H would see it as a LB? Or would it be well received.

I am truly sorry for the predicament that you find yourself in.How are you coping? Are you able to eat, sleep etc.. If not see your doctor and get help for your sleep. Consider some IC for you and MC if your H will be in it. If you find yourself getting really down maybe consider antidepressants.

In the meantime I suggest you read all you can on this site and get the book his needs her needs by the author of this site. And keep posting here to vent and for support.

Thinking of you C&S

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: confused&scared ]</small>

C&S

Yes, my situation is similar to yours, and believe me, it's not that I've completely ruled out OW, it's just that I can't find here and there are no overt signs. There have been times during all of this that I actually wished for OW just so that it would all make sense.

No, I cannot pinpoint anything. It's just as he says, we've grown apart. Too much work for him and too tired days for mommy. ALthough, a big part is that I had some post partum after my son, which I didn't even realize until after I was coming out of it. I was crying alot and VERy crabby, and I gues he just got tired of that, especially since he was only around 2 days a week.

I do suspect that he may be depressed, or going through early mid-life, but again, I am in the situation where I cannot do anything to change him, I work on changing myself, and hope and pray that someday SOON he decides to work for the family.

No, I do not sleep, eat some, and cry lots.

Is there a point of no return? If I'm served papers this week is it over? Do I give up or continue to fight? And how? Do marriages reconcile even after filing?? SO much uncertainty and devastation.

Also wondering, how long does this "Fog" take to lift sometimes? Does it lift after serving sombody papers?

My attorney thinks it's very cruel of him to plan to serve me papers at home when he knows I have an attorney, so actually is questioning whether he has one.

From reading other threads, I'm wondering if much of this hasn't been to get ME to file first? NO NO NO I DO NOT want this divorce!!

no papers yet. Am I nuts to keep hoping? And what do I say to him Saturday when he comes to pick up the kids?

cm

bump please

CM,

Did you say you found pix of OW? If so, isn' t that reason enough to explain his behavior? Is he normally irresponsible? Does he approve others t/b irresponsible?

L.

Orchid,
No, I have found nothing except more money being spent, and I have searched and searched and searched.

And he is normally a VERY upstanding guy. He is very conservative adn old fashioned. That's why this is so surprising. I knew ourmarriage was in need of repair, but I NEVER would have thought he would tell me he didn't love me anymore and just quit, without any effort to fix things.

Whenever I tell somebody their reaction is always the same- WHAT??? Not Dave, he loves you and would never leave you!

So can things still be fixed, even though he has moved out and suposedly filing for divorce?